Dear Jacin,

I like you.

No, wait.

I love you.

I don't know how to say this, though. Well, I guess I just said it. Huh?

What I mean is, I didn't want to be the first person to say it because I didn't want to be that gal to possibly jeopardize our friendship. Heck, we're best friends for Christ's sake, and if I were to lose that, I'd blame myself forever.

But then I thought, if both of us felt this way about each other and had the same notion, no one would fess up. And we'd both be the ones that got away from each other.

I wouldn't want that.

I know that I'm - you know that I'm kind of a hopeless romantic. At least, for you. That I'm crazy. That I'm mentally ill. That I hallucinate. That I-

That I shouldn't even be writing this letter to you. Because I'm exactly those things and more if I mail this to you.

That I'm exactly those things and left embarrassed if I mail this to you.

If I'm exactly those things and heartbroken if I mail this to you.

But I know you too much for you to do that. For you to break my heart, right?

I really really really hope I'm right.

You wouldn't judge me, would you? You would never judge me. You never did judge me. Why would you ever judge me now?

I sound so psychotic. So hopeless. So naive. So foolish. So obsessive.

And I know you hate for me to say this but, so crazy and stupid!

Because why would someone whose future included being a doctor, have a family, being well off, being whole want to merge with one who is full of illness, unpredictability, not whole, craziness.

Just picturing us would be crazy.

But I can't help but picturing us. I'm not stupid, naive, or crazy for saying this but that's what happens when you fall in love with someone. I know, if anything, that I am in love with you, Jacin Clay.

I know there's a 50/50 that you're not in love with me. And although I try to accept it, it breaks my heart every time. And then I try to get you out my mind. But it seems like almost immediately you call or FaceTime me, and I swear that sunshine smile and those icy eyes that ease up make me fall all over again. I swear every time (I think) you compliment me through very hidden careless jokes that it makes my heart beat ten times faster.

But then it makes me feel weak again. Submissive. It makes me feel like my mind is controlling me, and I can't control my mind. That this is just another upper hand my mind has against me. That lingering feeling in the back of my head saying to not get my silly fantasies and dreams up too far in the clouds because it won't happen.

It won't happen.

Regardless if I'm supposedly the most beautiful girl at school. That doesn't mean anything. I want to know if I'm beautiful at all to you. If I matter at all. If I'm special. If I'm more than just your best friend. Because you've never uttered those words to me, as vain as I may come off. But really, it's out of desperateness. I'm not holding anything back anymore as I write this letter with my whole heart. It's not like you'll see it anyway.

It's almost like a magic trick: with this letter that I'm pouring out the entirety of my heart, thoughts, and opinions on, it will release me from this curse. From your curse. From this mess. From my mess by you. From this trance. From your trance.

But I know begrudgingly, almost as if a child had been told for the first time that Santa Claus was not real, that this little dream of mine won't come true. Both the imagination of us and the imagination that this letter will set me free from the mere image of us.

So I'll keep writing these letters for me to have if I feel like this one isn't enough, and one of these days, I hope it sets me free.

A part of me hopes with all my heart that it will set me free.

But a part of me wishes no.

No, I don't wanna be set free. I don't want to let go from the visions of you and I. I don't want to let go of the nightmare visions you chase away. I don't want to let go of the bond we have and can possibly have. I don't want to let go of those perfect hallucinations of us just as much as I wish I could break free from those horrible hallucinations you eventually break me out of.

I feel I want to let go just because I fear of being rejected. Because out of all the boys I could pick, I chose you, Jacin Clay. I chose you. The boy that lives just across the street from me. The boy who I could easily slip this letter to on their window.

But there's something in me saying I shouldn't let go, this feeling won't let me go.

I don't know. I'm getting dizzy just from writing all of this. The mind is a complex one.

My mind is a stupid, imaginative, manipulative, foolish, and cruel one.

But I hope that for once, it's right.

Love, Winter.

This is only a one-shot (that can become a short story depending on if you all think I should continue it). I just decided that when I'm not writing on the Rampion Boyz Chronicles, I could write a small one-shot to practice my writing. I kind of got this idea from Jenny Han's "To all the boys I've loved before" book, which is really good so far and I'd totally recommend. All credit belongs to her, of course. Please favorite and review if you liked this one-shot and think I should continue on with it!