Harry Potter Meets X-Files
Author: Skulz
Rating: R (Parental Advisory; Explicit Content)
Genre: Humor
Summary: It's Harry's fifth year at Hogwarts, and there are TWO new Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers this year, none other than: MULDER AND SCULLY!
Disclaimer: Harry Potter, Ron Weasly, Hermione Granger, Hagrid, Professor Dumbledore, Dudley Dursley, Dobby the house-elf, and Professor Snape belong to J. K. Rowling, agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions and FOX.
Spoilers: The baby back ribs thing was taken off Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, and we all know that Scully's short.
Author's Note: Another crazy idea I came up with while surfing ff.net
Dedication: For Jim
Chapter 1: Return To Hogwarts
Harry Potter sat at the Griffindor table in the Great Hall. He grumbled, "Wonder who the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is this year." Harry was on his fifth year at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And out of the four previous years he had been at this school, there had been four different DADA teachers. Harry played with the peas and potatoes on his plate, acting bored, but really he was anxious and excited to know about all his new teachers, and how Hagrid had been doing lately.
"I heard there weren't going to be any defense teachers this year!" Ron said.
"Well that's just bullshit!" Hermione replied, "Of course there are going to be defense teachers! What the hell kind of school do you think they're running here?" Hermione had decided to take up a new attitude during summer break, which included swearing, and kicking other's asses.
"Hermione Granger! Did I hear some profanity here?" Professor Snape snapped.
"What of it?" Hermione told him.
"Fifty points off Griffindor!" he shouted.
"Fuck you," Hermione told him.
"Fifty MORE points!" Snape yelled.
"Jesus Christ! Do you think I care?"
"Just say the word, and I'll go."
"Go!"
"Eenie, meanie, minie."
"Moe."
"A famous clown?"
"Bobo."
"Your mama was a?"
"Mudblood-I mean hoe."
"Griffindor is now down three hundred points," Snape proudly announced, patting Hermione on the head.
"Get your hairy palms off me!" the girl squealed, pushing Snape to the ground, and kicking him several times for pleasure. Ron got up from where he sat, staring in awe at the bruised and bloody professor Snape.
"Hermione! What the crap!" Ron exclaimed.
"We didn't need him anyway, he was a pussy!" Hermione snapped, and tore off her robe, revealing a sluttish outfit that exposed more than necessary. Harry and Ron stared, wide-eyed at the new Hermione. "What the fuck are you two gawking at?" she asked.
"You're a prostitute!" Harry cried, and fainted, right there on the floor.
End of Chapter 1
Author: Skulz
Rating: R (Parental Advisory; Explicit Content)
Genre: Humor
Summary: It's Harry's fifth year at Hogwarts, and there are TWO new Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers this year, none other than: MULDER AND SCULLY!
Disclaimer: Harry Potter, Ron Weasly, Hermione Granger, Hagrid, Professor Dumbledore, Dudley Dursley, Dobby the house-elf, and Professor Snape belong to J. K. Rowling, agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions and FOX.
Spoilers: The baby back ribs thing was taken off Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, and we all know that Scully's short.
Author's Note: Another crazy idea I came up with while surfing ff.net
Dedication: For Jim
Chapter 1: Return To Hogwarts
Harry Potter sat at the Griffindor table in the Great Hall. He grumbled, "Wonder who the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is this year." Harry was on his fifth year at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And out of the four previous years he had been at this school, there had been four different DADA teachers. Harry played with the peas and potatoes on his plate, acting bored, but really he was anxious and excited to know about all his new teachers, and how Hagrid had been doing lately.
"I heard there weren't going to be any defense teachers this year!" Ron said.
"Well that's just bullshit!" Hermione replied, "Of course there are going to be defense teachers! What the hell kind of school do you think they're running here?" Hermione had decided to take up a new attitude during summer break, which included swearing, and kicking other's asses.
"Hermione Granger! Did I hear some profanity here?" Professor Snape snapped.
"What of it?" Hermione told him.
"Fifty points off Griffindor!" he shouted.
"Fuck you," Hermione told him.
"Fifty MORE points!" Snape yelled.
"Jesus Christ! Do you think I care?"
"Just say the word, and I'll go."
"Go!"
"Eenie, meanie, minie."
"Moe."
"A famous clown?"
"Bobo."
"Your mama was a?"
"Mudblood-I mean hoe."
"Griffindor is now down three hundred points," Snape proudly announced, patting Hermione on the head.
"Get your hairy palms off me!" the girl squealed, pushing Snape to the ground, and kicking him several times for pleasure. Ron got up from where he sat, staring in awe at the bruised and bloody professor Snape.
"Hermione! What the crap!" Ron exclaimed.
"We didn't need him anyway, he was a pussy!" Hermione snapped, and tore off her robe, revealing a sluttish outfit that exposed more than necessary. Harry and Ron stared, wide-eyed at the new Hermione. "What the fuck are you two gawking at?" she asked.
"You're a prostitute!" Harry cried, and fainted, right there on the floor.
End of Chapter 1