FourPetalFlower said they would smash a table if I wrote another funny Ronan/Elesis fanfic. I accepted the challenge.
Sorry I took as long as I did. School kicked up once again and my writing time plateaued. Sadly. But I still got it done.
Enjoy!
One Shot: Suspicions
It was always known that Ronan had many female admirers.
Some of them were very alluring. Some of them were very femme fatale. Some of them were very manipulative.
All of them very dearly wanted to get the indigo spell knight as their (more than) friend. So, not wanting to disappoint anyone, he decided to get to know some of his followers.
One girl was not amused.
Deep down, on the inside, she did sorta kinda enjoy his company. She didn't enjoy the idea that he may go with someone else. So, in her mind, she began to formulate some ideas….
Ah, the day is wonderful. The sun smiles down, there's not a cloud in the sky, and everything is just good. Not a single bad thing had happened to Ronan that morning, which normally meant even worse things would happen later on.
Poor Ronan.
But we don't have time to pity him. We must see how he's doing right now, on his "I shall befriend my admirers" quest. He glanced down at the list. The names ended up totaling 9017 admirers. That could be problematic…
He decided to just pick at random and see where it got him.
Meanwhile, in a bush… Two piercing eyes watch the spell knight walk away…
Pink.
That's what the first house was. All pink. The walls, the roof, the windows, and the flowers. All pink. A man clad in a dark blue tuxedo defiantly stood out. He glanced down at the paper. This was the right address alright.
Eyes glared at him from inside through the window. He swore said person watching him was also drooling. The spell knight patiently waited for someone to arrive at the door.
The sound of a woman yelling, the crashing of plates, and possibly a chainsaw were suddenly heard from the other side of the door. Cats' screeches, flamethrowers, and panicking maids were soon added to that list. The guard master began to question the sanity of the one behind the door. Perhaps he should leave while he could.
Just as he turned around, the door slammed open. A lady clad in a pink, frilly dress soon emerged from the entryway. Her hair was an utter mess, and she wore an overwhelming, horrid smelling perfume. "MY MY COME ON IN!" Her voice was high pitched, and very squeaky.
"N-No thanks. I t-think I got the wrong house…" His voice trailed off as he turned to go.
"THAT'S A LIE! NOW GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW MISTER!"
"Yes ma'am…"
"MA'AM?! I'M NOT THAT OLD!" Her yelling droned on and on as the lady dragged Ronan into the house. Silently, a figure with flaming red hair emerged from the shadows. In her hand, a big ass chainsaw. Her plan: WREAK THE HOUSE!
Sieghart was worried.
His granddaughter had not been seen that morning. His granddaughter had not been seen at lunch. Perhaps she was on a mission, but that was unlikely, because she would have dragged somebody with her as a meatshield.
'I wonder where she could be?' He wondered to himself. Perhaps she was killing the cursed demon known as Dio for him.
NAH.
Perhaps she was annoying the mage by stealing her diary and burning her possessions.
NAH.
Perhaps she had become feminine and taken yet another vow to nonviolence and was now parading around in a sailor uniform.
HELL NO SHE HASN'T!
Maybe… just maybe… She was on a date.
The gladiator shot up from his seat. 'ELESIS IS TOO YOUNG TO DATE! THIS SHALL NEVER HAPPEN!' And so, Sieghart ran off to try to confirm his suspicions.
Ronan fiddled with the things in his pocket. It didn't look like the singers would be ending their song soon, and he had to admit it was the worst music he had ever heard. Ever since he had been "invited" (forced) into the pink house, he was now being treated to a very special "treat" (horrid entertainment).
He sighed and looked down at his watch. 4:28 P.M. He still had a little over an hour before he had to go. It wasn't like he could anyway, considering he was chained down to a fluffy, pink armchair. At least it was comfortable, and his hands were free.
Without warning, one of the walls was smashed into pieces. The maiden of the house had emerged from cooking in the kitchen, clearly aware of the current situation. "Damn bitches think they can steal my guest do they…?"
"I'm not quite your guest-"
"DON'T QUESTION MY LOGIC!" The lady pulled out a machine gun. Oh joy. From the dust came a woman clad in red, wielding a big chainsaw. "NOT EVEN BLOODY MARY CAN HAVE MY GUEST!"
"That's not-"
"I DON'T CARE!" The lady fired her machine gun. The woman in red leaped over the shots, landing behind the armchair Ronan was in and cutting him free with her saw.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOO!" The machine gun maiden charged wildly at the duo, but missed as the red woman dragged the spell knight by his cape out the hole she came in.
As he was dragged hopelessly along, the spell knight thought one thing. 'Why is my life always like this…?'
The girl in red had vanished after the spell knight's rescue. Strangely, Ronan believed he recognized her from somewhere else. He was later certain it was just a mistake of the mind. Anyways, he was off to visit his next admirer. Thank the gods her house was not all pink and bubbly.
In honest truth, it was quite the opposite.
The house was shaded dark blue, roof and all. There were no windows at all, nor plants of any kind. As the aegis knight approached the door, he questioned, once again, the sanity of the owner.
Before his hand knocked on the door, a girl opened it. Black circles were under her eyes. "Come right in," She said. Once again, the girl in red watched the abyss knight enter… she readied the land mines for immediate use.
Little did she know she was being watched as well by a dark haired immortal…
The inside was just as bleak as the outside. Decorations were a minimum it seemed. The sleepy girl wandered into the kitchen to serve coffee for her quest, leaving the dragon knight to sit and ponder about things.
*BOOM*
"NOBODYGETSTODATEMYGRANDAU- Oh hi Ronan."
"Hello Sieghart."
"Say, have you seen Elesis around anywhere?" The gladiator scratched his head as he spoke.
"Nope."
"Well, okay. Bye!" And with that, he left and somehow magically undid the damage he had caused upon entry by rebuilding the wall.
The insomniac maiden returned with several cups of coffee. Strong coffee. Ronan was not supposed to have strong coffee. He would not be able to sleep that night if he did. Alas, he didn't want to be rude and disappoint the girl, so he accepted a cup.
She bowed slightly. "I'm sorry it's so strong. I just need it to stay awake and catch the bumbugs."
"The whats?"
She yawned. "You know the big bugs that try to rip up your bed and eat your shoes and raid your fridge and STEAL YOUR FAIL COLLECTION!" Ronan jumped slightly in his chair at the sudden yelling.
"W-What…?"
The girl yawned again. "Yes… they want my fail collection. My precious fail collection that I spent years making."
"F-Fail collection?!" Ronan realized he may have been in the house of a lunatic. What in Aernas a fail collection was he didn't know. He may never know, but he had to retain what little sanity he had left. "What... i-is that?" He asked.
The girl yawned once again. "You see… it's when… yo-"
*BOOM!*
Tall, red hair, holding a trigger-button-thing to what would most likely be explosives, IT'S THE RED WITCH! The girl in red tossed a rock at me, telling me to get her name right.
IT'S BLOODY MARY! She merely facepalmed while I fixed the fourth wall.
Anyway… The girl in red readied herself to push the button. The hostess was in shock. Ronan was in shock. That random cat just outside the house was in shock. Time seemed to slow as Red's finger slowly closed in on the button. Slowly…ever so slowly….
*CRASH!*
"NEVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!" It's the one… It's the only… GRANDPA-ON-A-MISSION-TO-KEEP-HIS-LOVELY-GRANDAUGHTER-FROM-MARRYING-TO-AN-UKE-HOTTIE.
Wait, what?
Moving on.
Sieghart was glaring evilly at all he saw. "Where… is she…?" Red stared briefly, then ran off. "NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEER!" The gladiator gave chase! Off into the distance they go…
Ronan decided that would be the best time to leave.
The spell knight still did not know who the girl in red was, however at this point in time, he was fairly certain she looked very familiar. Very familiar indeed… Perhaps he was overlooking the idea that the person was one of his admirers.
Which he was overlooking. He just assumed she was a random person out to kill him.
Well, on to the third person!
He arrived at the house thinking one thing: Finally! A normal and completely not insane looking house! Well, looks are deceiving Ronan.
Upon approaching the house, he noticed one thing: There was no front door. Now, this is a curious notion. Who in Arneas does not have a front door?
The answer: Somebody who doesn't need one.
The resident of that house was a space-time witch who enjoyed her little minutes of privacy whenever she could get them, hence the lack of front door.
Of course she has to greet her quest, so here she comes now!
The space time witch appeared out of seemingly nowhere, wearing a frilly pink dress and speaking with a British accent. Pink hair, and pink eyes as well.
"My, who are you?"
Ronan was teleported into the puny little house, which was nearly not as puny from the inside as it was the outside. In fact, it was more like a giant tower. The witch offered him tea and went off to gather her alchemy set. This can't be good.
Within a few minutes, it had come to his attention that his tea was laced with sleeping potion. He remembered little before passing out.
"For the last time, you can't!" Sieghart had his granddaughter tied up and slung over his shoulder for immediate return to Grand Chase headquarters.
"You're over controlling." The red-haired girl replied with a pouty face. "Now put me down!" The gladiator glared at her.
"Not until you hit 18 will I allow you to date young lady!"
More glares, this time from the red-head's side. "I AM NOT A YOUNG LADY!" People began to stare at the unusual sight. Suddenly, the knight perked up. "My fangirl senses are tingling."
The gladiator glanced at her. "Huh?" All too late of a response, as the spearmaiden had kicked Sieghart square in the face, leaping into the air and dashing off.
It was mostly likely not a good situation Ronan was in. Considering he was tied on an operation table wearing nothing but boxers probably increased that chance.
The dimension witch was looming over him with an evil smirk on her face. "Finally, a new test subject…" She began. "…One who can withstand the kitten cannon, hopefully."
Ronan gulped. "K-Kitten cannon?"
"Yes, kitten cannon. Like, a cannon…. That launches kittens. It's an obvious name."
"Why would somebody invent that?"
The witch gave a blank stare. "I don't know. I really don't know."
Ronan stared back. "But you invented it."
More stares were exchanged, in silence. Then the witch stated, "Let's just get this over with." Leaping backwards 20 feet, the witch landed on a large cannon. It was loaded and pointed directly at the poor royal guard master.
*BOOM!*
A small little kitten crawled out of the cannon, walked up to Ronan, and licked his foot.
Well that was awfully anti-climactic.
"Awwwwww, you're such a cute little kitten." The kitten stared adorably up at the spell knight.
*CRASH!*
"FOR THE MOTHERLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAND!" Cried a red-headed knight crashing through the ceiling.
"THIS IS STUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUPID!" Cried the gladiator coming in behind her.
The witch was confused. "We're in a separate dimension! How does that even work!" She was punched in the face by the almighty goddess of rage, in red.
"Don't question…. My logic."
It was then it occurred to Ronan who was standing in front of him.
"Elesis, is that you?"
Elesis dropped down to her knees, raised her arms to the heavens, and cried out, "FINALLY, SOMEBODY CALLS ME BY MY FREAKING NAME FOR ONCE IN THIS FANFIC!" Congratulations Elesis, you've obtained life achievement no XX: Go a whole fanfic without being called by name-
Nope wait. You were just called by your name.
Ah, the sun sets on a wonderful day today. Elesis is dragging Ronan as a meatshield to make up for his obliviousness to her crush on him. Sieghart is sparring with Dio to relieve stress, and Lass is nowhere to be found.
Many things were accomplished today. Sieghart protected his granddaughter, Elesis finally earned the attention of her crush, and Ronan learned his lesson about fangirls.
I mean, admirers. I swear I didn't say fangirls.
And now, the camera shifts to the silver haired thief, who is sitting on a couch in an unknown location. He says, "I know you're all expected me to say something totally irrelevant to anything to end this fanfic in a humorous fashion, but I won't. Deal with it." As he got up to leave, the time-space witch came flying out of the sky, and landed right on top of Lass.
As the dust cleared, one could say that our humorous ending has been achieved.