It had been almost an entire year. Ten months and six days, to be exact. In that amount of time she had moved approximately 2,600 miles to chase her dreams of being a Chief Medical Examiner. She had met a group of friends who made her laugh and accepted her into their already established social circles, and explored an incredible city that, if she was honest with herself, she had fallen in love with. She loved how diverse San Francisco was and how the temperature always managed to be moderate instead of the extremes of Toronto. The wine from the nearby Napa Valley didn't hurt, either.
When she stepped back and considered all of these particular things, she was content and had every reason to be. She was a young, intelligent forensic pathologist who was in a position that most of her colleagues could only dream of.
All of these things, however, couldn't fill the void left behind by a certain snarky police officer. While Holly tried to push the memory of Gail Peck away and out of her mind on a daily basis, she couldn't help the tug the woman still had on her heart strings, even 10 months and six days later. These new friends of hers, who she had become close with, had tried endlessly to set her up on dates and Holly always obliged, toying with the idea that someone might be able to take her mind away from the one person who stole her heart back in Toronto. Each person she dated, however, failed to make her feel the way Gail did. Each person failed to make Holly feel as alive as she did when she was with Gail. Through their own ups and downs in the brief amount of time that they were together, Gail made Holly feel like a whole person and without her in San Francisco, she felt like something was still missing from a seemingly perfect picture.
She had been back to Toronto once, about two months after she started her job in San Francisco. It had been a rash decision to buy the airline ticket and fly overnight to the other side of the continent, but everything in her needed to see Gail. She needed to feel her in her arms and feel the warmth the other woman gave her. It wasn't enough to have their Skype dates, to talk on the phone or text during the day. Holly had a physical, tactile need to be with Gail, and so she found herself outside the officer's apartment at three in the morning her time, six in the morning Toronto time. She was exhausted after not sleeping on the plane,which she blamed on her nerves, and now that she had reached her destination, she was frozen in place. She didn't know what to do, how to open the door, and most importantly, what to say to the woman she was in love with.
Before she could think too much longer about how to approach the apartment complex before her, the blonde figure appeared at the front door and froze as soon as she turned and saw Holly standing on the sidewalk.
"Holly…?" she whispered, still frozen in place and trying to comprehend what was happening. "What are you...what are you doing here?" Holly was frozen too. Her mouth opened, but she couldn't formulate words. In all honesty, she didn't really know what she was doing there.
"I...I don't really…I just...well...uh..." she was still failing at forming coherent sentences, captivated by Gail's beauty, and marveling at it in person.
"Are you okay? Did something happen? Oh my god, did something happen at work? Wait, Holly please tell me you're okay and you're not here to tell me you're terminally ill or something because I swear to god, that's not how this is supposed to happen and-" the rambling officer was cut off by Holly's lips meeting hers, capturing her breath and Holly remembered all at once why she had traveled back to her old city.
"I miss you, Gail," she said, cupping the blonde's face and placing another kiss on her lips. "And no, I'm not terminally ill. I just had to go see about a girl." The comment made Gail narrow her eyes, staring back at the beautiful brunette in front of her.
"Did you just quote Good Will Hunting?" she asked, pulling back a little to take in every part of Holly. When the brunette just smiled and nodded, Gail rolled her eyes. "You are such a nerd, Holly Stewart."
The memory is quickly interrupted by a loud knock on the doctor's office door. She opens her eyes, realizing how fast her heart is racing and tries to get herself together and collect her thoughts.
"It's open," she says, and sees John Simmons, the chief of the San Francisco Police Department, poke his head through the door with a smile. "Oh, Chief Simmons! Good morning," she says, smiling and getting up to shake his hand.
"Good morning, Dr. Stewart. Oh, no need to get up! I just wanted to see if you had read my email about the conference in Toronto?" he asked, putting his hands on the back of the chairs in front of Holly's desk to brace himself. He was a fairly large man, about 6'3" and almost 225 pounds of solid muscle. As intimidating as he looked, Holly had grown to know him as a dedicated police officer and a loving family man to his three daughters and beautiful wife.
"I did indeed, sir. I was just looking at it," she said, hesitancy clear in her voice. She glanced back at her screen, and tried her best not to think of Gail and all of the memories associated with Toronto.
"I know I speak for the rest of the department when I say we would be thrilled to have you there, Holly. It's late notice, I know but if there's any way you can swing it…" he said, smiling sheepishly. Holly took a deep breath. The chief was right - it was a great opportunity, especially as a Chief Medical Examiner and not just a forensic pathologist. She had been asked to speak about the role of heroin in death and its complications when performing autopsies, something the doctor had become extremely familiar with in a city riddled with a heroin problem. "And Holly, if you want to take a little extra time and see some friends while you're there, that would be more than okay. You've been working your ass off ever since you arrived here. Everyone needs a break, even our rockstar CME." She couldn't help but smile at the charming man, and started to nod her head, pushing her glasses back up the bridge of her nose.
"I'll move some things around my schedule and get myself there. You're completely right," she said, using her hands to emphasize her point, "this would be great for the department and after the last couple of weeks with that double homicide, a break wouldn't be the worst thing in the world." She smiled her lopsided grin that she was known for as the man patted her hand before turning around and heading back for the door.
"Fantastic! I'll have Grace coordinate your travel arrangements," he said as he headed out the door, closing it on his way out. Holly took a deep breath, and closed her eyes. 'Toronto', she thought to herself. She pulled her phone out to text Rachel and Lisa, letting them know she would be in town. Her finger hovered above the police officer's name as she tried to decide whether to contact the woman or not. Her stomach turned and the knot in her throat became too large to swallow. 'Fuck', she thought as she exited the screen and locked her phone, throwing it on the chair in the corner of her office.
She started pacing her office, trying to decide whether to text Gail or leave it alone. See the woman, or not have her heart ripped into pieces when she would inevitably have to say goodbye, again. The last time had been hard enough, and she wasn't sure she could go through that again.
Her rambling thoughts were interrupted by her office phone ringing. Once more, like she had numerous times already this morning, Holly took a deep breath and answered the phone as she sat back down at her desk.
"Dr. Holly Stewart," she answered, a little exasperated.
"Holly, the stress in your voice in practically seeping through the phone," the voice on the other end said. Holly recognized it right away, and forced a smile on her face.
"It's good to hear your voice too, Rachel. I know that's what you really meant to say." Holly leaned back in her chair, visibly relaxing after hearing the sound of her friend's voice.
"Well, I can't help but notice that you sound like you're sifting your way through a shit pile, Holly. Is everything okay?"
"Yes, everything's fine. It's just, now I'm stressed about this conference in Toronto and-"
"You're worried about seeing Gail…" Holly paused, not expecting her friend to be as blunt as she was.
"Er...well...ugh, yes. Every part of me wants to see her, but I can't go through the 'goodbye' part again, Rach. That part is just too much." Holly teared up at the thought of it. She remembered saying goodbye after her impromptu visit months ago and how she couldn't sleep for weeks afterwards, missing everything about Gail Peck. Because of this, the two had decided it was best to not keep in contact. It was too hard on the both of them to pretend like they could be friends or be okay with a long distance relationship.
"Holly, I'm going to give you a dose of tough love because you're my best friend and I care about you, okay?" When Holly didn't say anything, Rachel took it as her cue to continue. "I know you love Gail, and I'd be willing to bet that Gail loves you as well. But you know what? You're not going to Toronto just to see Gail. You're going for a medical conference. For your career, Holly. This isn't about love or rekindling love or fretting about whether you might run into her. This is about you and everything you've worked so hard for." Holly sighed. She knew her friend was right, but she still just didn't know what to say.
"I know, Rach. I always try to remember why I came all the way out here and you know my career is everything to me. But-"
"No, Holly, no 'buts'. You have to stop doing this to yourself. Focus. Focus on the conference and my beautiful face when you take me out to dinner." Holly sneered at the comment.
"Oh, so I'm the visitor and I have to take you out to dinner? Seems a little messed up…"
"Payback for all of the solid life advice I give you all the time," Rachel countered. Holly couldn't help but smile. Rachel always seemed to know what to say to her when she felt like she couldn't function. "Plus, you're the big wig Chief Medical Examiner now. You've got to be loaded, Dr. Stewart."
"Except that I spend it all on blow and hoes."
"Uh huh, whatever. You're still taking me to dinner." Holly smiled and sighed. She missed having her oldest friends around and the banter that always seemed to pick up right where it left off.
"Fine. As long as there's good wine."
"Knowing you, Holly Stewart, there will be more than enough good wine." Holly noticed her other office line was ringing, so she said goodbye to Rachel, telling her they would make plans once she knew her conference schedule. She hung up and found Grace on the other line, ready to make travel arrangements. Holly sighed. Ready or not, she was heading to Toronto.