Sinister vs. The Author
by Benji The Vampire Confuser
Sinister belongs to Marvel.
One minute I was happily plotting my next devastating interference with the life of the Summers clan, and the next I was plunged into battle with a self-referential being.
I guess it would be best to start at the beginning. As I said, I was minding my own business, spying on the X-Men, when suddenly I heard arrogant laughter behind me. Now I'm not one to begrudge anyone a good laugh now and again, but if anyone is going to laugh arrogantly in any story starring me, it will be me.
"Oh come down off your high horse, pale face, and get some sun." an arrogant voice mocked me.
Oh please, I thought, with growing panic, Not him, please don't let this be a Star Trek crossover pitting me against Q. Silently, I offered up this prayer; If it's not Q, I'll gladly capture Ratliff and make him pay for his crimes against humanity. Please.
Slowly, I turned to face my adversary. It wasn't Q. It was someone a thousand times worse. Of course I didn't know this at the time. I turned to face, a college student. "Who the hell are you? And how did you get in here?" I asked.
The boy favored me with a smarmy grin and said; "I am the Author. And go where I please."
"Not in my secret hideout whelp." I said, using my most intimidating voice. Then I grabbed his ear. "Now I want some answers young man."
"Ow, ow ow!" the boy vanished and appeared a couple feet away. "There will be none of that in my story Sinister." he said.
Then it clicked, this was the writer of the fan-fic I now found myself in. Now, any other schmuck would have realized right away that if one just played along with the author's game, he'd finish the story, go away, and leave one in peace. But I'm an arrogant super-villain.
"Your story?" I smiled. "Impudent whelp. Any story with me in it is my story." Suddenly I was wearing a top hat and tails, holding a cane, and doing a tap routine. This was going to be a very long day.
After the tap number, (Actually I'm rather proud of myself. I never knew I could tap that well.) I decided to play along, at least for a while. "All right," I sighed in resignation, "What do you want?"
"Want?" the Author laughed. "I want to see you humiliated in front of everybody on the net!"
Suddenly, something occurred to me. "Are you Abyss?"
"What?" the Author asked incredulously. "Abyss? You think I'm Abyss? Do you think Abyss would hide behind a silly name like, The Author? No, Sinister, I'm sorry, but I am not Abyss!" Then he smiled, as if remembering something funny, probably some of Abyss' work now that I think about it. "I'm inspired by Abyss. but we're getting off the subject. You're familiar with the term, what goes around comes around?"
"Duh." Did I just say that? Terrific, it's bad enough he intends to humiliate me, but he'd making me act out of character.
"Exactly," he said, "I might as well go whole hog eh? Anyway, back to what goes around comes around, here it comes. For years you've tortured the Summer's family by doing horrible things to them, and tortured us by letting Scott live. Now you are finally going to get what's coming to you."
Well, I'd definitely had enough of this. "Look you," I growled. I didn't often lose my temper, but the Author was pushing all the right buttons (pun). "I didn't want to be a super-villain anyway!" Which is true, all I ever wanted out of life was to be the worlds greatest scientist. "You know what I wanted to be?" What the hell, it was time for some character development anyway. "I wanted to be...a lumberjack!" I wanted to be a what?
Behind me, a very humiliated looking bunch of Marauders came in dressed as Mounties. This was going to hurt. Suddenly, I was dressed as a lumberjack, and standing on a log in a river. This was really going to hurt.
"Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbiaaaaaah!" My balance left me, and I fell into the river. As I waded, sputtering to the bank, I prayed for the ordeal to end. "End this now, and I'll...and I'll..." I would what? I'd already promised to experiment on Ratliff, what greater service could I give mankind? What else could-
My thoughts were abruptly interrupted by the barrel of a shotgun being shoved up my nose. "You done taken a wrong turn city boy." Oh dear god no.
I have too much taste to tell you what happened. If you've ever seen deliverance, you know. Finally I was returned to my lab. But the ordeal wasn't over yet. My equipment, which I'd spent a life time inventing, was being destroyed by Gremlins.
"Christ, at least it can't get any worse." I instantly regretted that statement.
To make a long story short, my next and last torture, was just that. I was abducted by Aliens, and subjected to tests that even I wouldn't perform on living subjects. Well, maybe William Shatner.
After that, the Author pronounced himself satisfied, and left. I sighed and sat down in my chair, which is where I am now. I think I'll take a nap. I've had a hard day. Wait minute, I open my eyes a tad, and then open them wide. The bastard left the Gremlins here!
The End
AN: Stephan Ratliff is a man who wrote incredibly bad Star Trek fan-fic. His work was the favorite of many MISTer's. Abyss was (maybe still is) the author of many a hilarious X-Men fic, usually starring the Left Handed Scientist. (Sinister means left-handed. Really it does. Look it up.)