Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story cept for my crazy ideas!
A/N: I got this idea from Alisyn's "Isildur's Ring". I thought it was so funny, I decided to do one myself.
The True Story of How the Fellowship Got Into Lothlorien:
Told by Haldir…
Ok. So you wanna know the story? That's why you're here, right? You wanna know my story! Ok, here we go. I swear, this is how it really happened. Ok. I was on my way to work, you know, to go guard the Lorien entrance. So I'm just standing there, right? And it's just me. Me and this huge realm I gotta protect. I started thinking, 'hey, I'm kinda lonely here, I think I want some backup.' So I call up Mrs. Galadriel on my nifty walkie-talkie and told her I needed some backup. I wanted my brothers to come help. She said they'd be there ASAP. After that, I was like, 'ASAP? What's that?' Then I stood there for what seemed like hours. But it was only a couple of minutes. Really. But it felt like days to me…
But anyway, then it hit me! After the acorn. ASAP meant After Some Apple Pie! Duh! My brothers were coming over after they ate apple pie! I was all, 'woah, dude! I am so good at these kinda things!' then I heard something rustling around in the woods, ok? I got all freaked out, right? Then these 2 elves came up behind me. I was like, 'woah!' then I looked at them. They looked at me. Then I looked at them. They looked at me. I was all, 'dude! Stop that!' And they just stood there. It was kinda like an awkward silence deal goin on.
Then I said, 'brothers!' And they still stood there. I was looking at one of them, and I was all, 'dude! My brother's a girl!' I got really confused, right? Cuz I mean wouldn't you? I was thinking maybe that apple pie changed him. So like after I thought that, I remember my Tolkien book. So I was all flipping through it, and I read that those 2 girlie lookin elves behind me were supposed to be my brothers. But they weren't. They were girls. So then I remember Peter Jackson's script and flipped through that, and read the part that said, 'insert 2 female elves behind Haldir.'
Hey! Haldir is MY name! Oh, right, those 2 girlie elves… I got really confused. I guess Peter Jackson confused me. It's his fault! But anyway, I put the book away, and looked at them again. And dude, get this, they were like… lifeless. They never moved at all! I mean, when I stand and watch guard, I gotta like move. You know, twitch, tap my foot, and play with my hair, who can stand there lifeless like that? Obviously they can! And I was about to like, say something, and then one of my girl brothers told me to watch guard. I was all, 'woah! You can talk!'
Then it got quite for a while. Then I looked at them again, and I was gonna ask them what ASAP meant. But one of them cut me off and said it meant As Soon As Possible. I was like, 'no way!' and she was all, 'way.' And I was like, 'way what?' And dude! This is the creepy part, the other elf, just stood there. Silent. Like, the whole entire time we were talking! I got all freaked out, cuz I mean, he was still standing quiet. Then I asked him, or her, (haha) if he, or she was my brother. And I think it was a guy, cuz he said, 'huh?' So, like I asked again, and he was all, 'huh?' So I kept asking him, right? Because I really wanted to know if he was my brother or not, and he kept on saying, 'huh?'
So I just gave up after that. Then it got all quiet again. For like the longest time, so I asked him one more time. And you'll never guess what he said! 'Huh?' Again! Then it got kinda annoying. I just totally gave up. Seriously. Then we were really silent for a long time. I mean really, really long. Seriously, hours! This time, I swear it was hours! And dude, while I was standing there, I was thinking about apple pie again, ok? I was asking the other elves if they liked apple pie. Then that same guy said, 'huh?' Again! So I started laughing. Then that other elf looked at me.
I got kinda scared. Cuz I mean, like, it was one of those creepy death stares. And I still wasn't sure if they were my brothers or night, right? So like I didn't want this random wood elf eyeing me. But she was. Then I remembered my walkie-talkie, so I was gonna like call up Mrs. Galadriel again to ask her if these two chicks were my brothers. So I took out the walkie-talkie out of my cloak, ok? And I like called her. And dude, she said they were my brothers! But I didn't remember what she said after that, cuz one of the elves, dude that same one, said, 'huh?'. I told him to quit sayin that. And he was all, 'huh?' again. I was about to like blow up and yell at him. Well, not literally blow up, but I was getting really, really, really mad. Just as I opened my mouth I heard this sound.
Like I heard all this whispering stuff. It was like this really raspy whisper. I thought somebody was talking with their mouth full of apple pie or somethin. I pulled out my bow and arrow, and I hit one of my elf friends. I was all, 'sorry man. I didn't mean to hit you.' And he was like, 'huh?' I tried to ignore it, but then I noticed something moving in the forest. Dude! There were a lot of somethings moving in the forest! I counted at least like, 100! But then the elf dude said there was only 8. Whatever man. I was all, 'woah! Dude, somethin's moving back there!' One of my elf friends said that it was the Fellowship. I was all, 'what a fellowship?' The elf looked at me and rolled their eyes… what?!
This 'fellowship' got closer and closer to where we were standing. And the apple pie mumbling got louder and louder. I gotta admit dude, I was pretty scared. I like felt my heart beating really loud. And I readied my bow and pointed at arrow at the general direction of the sound. I was all acting powerful and said,' don't shoot yet dudes!' Then the same elf said, 'huh?'. So then like I saw this dwarf, right? And I hate to say, but we elves don't like dwarves. So I pointed my arrow at him.
He was talking about eyes and ears. And foxes and hawks too. It was that voice with the apple pie in his mouth! It was the dwarf! I stuck my arrow in that stupid dwarf's face. Then he made a funny sound. Something like, 'woo.' Hahahahahahahahahahhaahahahaha. I thought it was so funny man! Oh right, then one of the elves, the one that talked, told me to say something meaningful to the dwarf. So you know what I said!?
'The dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark!' Yeah! Cuz I mean, we can. We're elves. And we can shoot in the dark. Man I was so proud of that remark. Then that dwarf growled at me. I wanted to ask it he liked apple pie. But I didn't. I didn't ask because this ranger guy walked up to me and started speaking elvish to me. I was looking all meaningful and mean! Yeah! Go me! I wish cameras were invented so I could show you how awesome I felt! I was all, 'yeah!!!!'
Oh, right. That ranger was talking about protection or something. From what? Uh…… I forgot. But then that elf in the background said, 'huh?' I couldn't help but laugh. Wanna know why? Cuz there was this other elf in this fellowship. He looked like a Mirkwood elf. Then it hit me! It was my high school pal, Legolas! Man, I haven't seen him in ages! I asked how he was doin, but he just stood there in the background while that ranger was mumbling to me.
Then the talking elf whacked me and gave me this piece of paper. They said to read it to the ranger. So I did. And this is what it said. 'You have entered the realm of the lady of the wood. You cannot go back. Come. She is waiting.' Haha! Pretty cool huh? Yeah! Then everybody started following me to Lothlorien. Cuz I mean. I am the guardian. I know my way around man. I asked the fellowship if they liked apple pie. Then one of the short ones said, 'yeah! I love apple pie!' I was all, "rock on man!' Then that same bloody elf said, 'huh?'.
Anyway, we got them safely to Mrs. Galadriel. She said thanks for leading them in there. I always get this warm fuzzy feeling after I do something good. Mrs. Galadriel said she'd give me a raise soon! Whatever a raise is… I think she means that she'll make me taller! Good! I wanna be taller! I told the other elves I was gonna get taller. Then he said, 'huh?'
So that's my story. Plain as day dude! And that's how it really happened too! I swear! It was so cool man. I'm such a good story teller too! See you later guys. Thanks for listening to my story!