When No One Is Watching
Moments of Avatar: The Last Airbender
At times, Zuko remembers his Uncle Iroh telling him, "Zuko, a hero is not one who fights for glory or honor, and certainly not for riches or power. True heroism is determined by what a man does when no one is watching." Zuko doesn't remember when Uncle told him this, but it comes to mind on certain occasions.
At times like this, it is ignored.
Zuko lies on the ground, looking up at the young Avatar. Zuko's swords lie next to him alongside his Blue Spirit mask. How did he get here? Last he remembered, he was leading the Avatar away from Zhao's fortress, and then…
An archer.
The boy with the arrow tattoos is looking patiently at Zuko after asking his question.
"If we had known each other back then, do you think we could have been friends too?"
Uncle's voice echoes in Zuko's head, "True heroism is determined by what a man does when no one-"
Zuko lunges to his feet and launches a stream of fire at the young airbender, but the nimble boy has anticipated the move; by the time Zuko's back leaves the ground, the Avatar has already dodged and is bounding away through the trees.
Zuko is left alone in the middle of the forest.
At times like this, it is an annoyance.
Zuko sways atop his stolen ostrich-horse, eyes blurring from fatigue, hunger, and thirst. The animal isn't much better off; its knees nearly buckle with every other step, it seems. Keeping his balance is becoming harder with every minute.
Then, the scent of cooking meat reaches his nose. Zuko instantly perks up, searching for the source. Within a moment, his eyes fall upon a campfire with meat taken from some small creature sizzling merrily atop it. Zuko's eyes skip past the man tending the flames – irrelevant – and instead focus on the meat. His hand drops to his broadswords and he prepares to take the food.
Then the man turns from the fire and kneels down in front of somebody, half-obscured by a tree, whom Zuko had not noticed before. He snaps his eyes over, evaluating this new threat, and then freezes. The man is smiling, laying his hand on the belly of a woman leaning against the tree. It is swollen, and the man rubs the bump with an expression of tenderness and care.
She's pregnant, Zuko realizes.
It shouldn't matter. Zuko needs food. They do too, undoubtedly, but they aren't Zuko. Zuko is the Prince of the Fire Nation, even exiled, and these two aren't even farmers. They're itinerants. Peasants of the lowest order. What is theirs should rightfully be his to demand.
And they have a child on the way.
"True heroism is determined by what a man does when no one is watching."
Somehow, the thought of taking food from that child – even while it remains unborn – is a step too far for Zuko. He releases the broadswords and rides on, his stomach raising any number of reasons why he should turn back.
No matter. He rides on nonetheless.
At times like this, it opens the way to confusion.
Jin's face falls as they run up to the fountain and see that the lanterns are dark.
"I can't believe it!" she cries, "They aren't lit!" Her face falls and she looks at the ground, crestfallen. Zuko looks at her, seeing her disappointment, and then to the fountain.
"True heroism is determined by what a man does when no one is watching."
Zuko groans internally – this isn't about heroism, Uncle! – but thinking of the look on Jin's face when she saw that her favorite spot had let her down, he gives in.
He looks back to Jin and tells her to close her eyes. She grins teasingly as he adds – "And don't peek!" – but goes along with it, placing her hands over her eyes. The smile stirs something in his chest.
Zuko walks forward so that he can see all of the lanterns. He puts his hands together, closes his eyes, and lets his inner fire well up inside of him.
His eyes open and he begins to bend, precise bolts of flame launching from his fingertips and settling calmly in the lanterns scattered around the fountain. When he is done, he has not missed a single lantern, and none of his bending went astray. He allows himself a moment of pride at the display of accuracy before turning back to Jin.
"Okay," he tells her, "now you can look."
The girl lowers her hands. Her eyes and mouth open wide and she gasps, "Oh, wow!" Her expression is one of wonder, and Zuko can't help but let the corners of his mouth turn up in response. She walks up beside him, trying to look everywhere at once while she asks him what he did to light them so quickly. He gives her a mysterious smile and turns to gaze at the little flickering lights.
Suddenly, he feels her hand slip into his. He turns with a quizzical frown on his face and sees a slight smile on her face. She leans in closer and his brain fuses.
He holds up the coupon Uncle gave him to give to her and starts babbling – in a very level and collected tone, but babbling nonetheless – about how he got her a coupon for a free cup of tea, barely registering her genuine gratitude at the gift through his haze of mild panic.
"Don't thank me," he insists, rubbing the back of his neck and looking awkwardly away, "it was my Uncle's idea. He thinks you're our most valuable customer."
"Your Uncle is a good teacher," Jin assures him in a warm tone of voice. Her hand touches his cheek, pulling his face around. "I have something for you, too. Now it's your turn to close your eyes."
Zuko feels his gaze harden for a moment before letting his eyes slide shut. Then he feels Jin's lips on his.
It's only a little peck of a kiss, but even so it melts whatever was left of his brain. She immediately leans back, not wanting to push him, but he finds himself following her and returning the kiss. For the merest of moments, with the fountain burbling, the lights flickering, and him kissing Jin, he forgets about the rest of his life and simply lets himself go.
Then his brain recovers some semblance of order and he stumbles back, feeling the shock of the moment plaster itself across his face. He turns away, his face hardening once more against the feeling that the bottom of his stomach just fell out. "What's wrong?" asks Jin.
The worry in her voice worsens the sensation, and all he can grate out is, "It's complicated." Mai…what about Mai? And…I'm a prince! I…I'm Fire Nation, this is…this is wrong… "I have to go," he manages, and runs away from Jin and all the strange and improper feelings she inspires him. He leaves the pretty little girl with that smile full of wonder by the fountain with the floating lights and flees to the dark. He doesn't stop until he's back at the little apartment he and Uncle share. Maybe things will make more sense after a night's sleep.
At times like this, it challenges him.
Uncle would probably like that, if he knew what was troubling his nephew. He rarely offers a proverb without intending for it to provoke thought. He would say that it indicates Zuko's growth as a man.
But it complicates things that should be so simple!
"Who are you? And what do you want?!"
It is a measure of Uncle's frustration that his usual serenity has cracked so completely. Zuko supposes that he should be proud that he's accomplished by accident what so many Earth Kingdom generals failed to do intentionally: cause the Dragon of the West to lose his level head. At the moment, though, he just can't summon it.
This is the Avatar's bison. Zuko has it! He can bring the creature out now and use it to lure the Avatar into a trap! But…Uncle's question of "And then what?" still rings in Zuko's ears. And the questions that came after bother him worse.
My destiny…is it truly mine? Or am I just doing what Father has set me to do? Is that what I want?
Of course he wants to go home! He should be restored to his rightful place on Father's right hand! It is his destiny, and no fat old man is going to stop it!
But…why is that so important? Is it really?
Sometimes, he really hates the voice of doubt that Uncle has somehow managed to seed in Zuko's thoughts.
"True heroism is determined by what a man does when nobody is watching."
Uncle is watching. But no matter what Zuko decides to do, Uncle will never tell another soul. Uncle will always stand by Zuko. There is nobody to judge. Nobody to see who will condemn the choice outright.
Nobody is watching.
Zuko howls in frustration and throws his broadswords and mask to the floor.
Then he sets the bison free.
At times like this…it struggles.
Azula's words ring in Zuko's head after she leaves, mingling with Uncle's.
"But Zuko – Prince Zuko – you're a lot of things, but you're not a traitor. Are you? It's not too late for you, Zuko. You can still redeem yourself."
"The kind of redemption she offers is not for you!"
A traitor…no, he's…he's not a traitor. Is he? No, he only wants what is best for his country! And redemption. His mistakes, his failures…they could all be wiped away!
"At the end of this day, you will have your honor back! You will have Father's love. You will have everything you want."
"Zuko. I am begging you. Look into your heart and see what it is that you truly want."
Everything he wants…his honor. And Father…Father will love him again.
But is this really what I want? I've been…happy…at the tea shop. I've…I've had peace. How long has it been since I last had peace?
Peace? TEA SHOP?! What absurdity is this?! Prince Zuko of the Fire Nation, heir to the throne, pining after a tea shop?! And peace…well, Uncle could tell you all about peace, couldn't he? He's so very peaceful that he'd lay off the entire siege of Ba Sing Se because his son died in battle! And now look at him! A fat, lazy, failure, exiled from the nation he devoted so much of his life to because he failed at one critical moment.
Is Zuko going to fail his nation in this moment?
"The only way we win is together."
Can he really doom his nation at a stroke?
"True heroism is determined by what a man does when no one is watching."
And no one but Uncle is watching. And if Zuko chooses Azula, Uncle is going to prison. If Zuko chooses the Avatar, Uncle will never say a word against it. Again, nobody is watching.
Why is nobody watching? Why is nobody ever watching? Why does he have to make all of these decisions by himself?! WHY?! What is he always alone in these moments? Why can't he ever have anybody to make the choice with him?
And why can it never hurt any less?
What do I really want?
What does he truly deserve?
"You are weak…"
"Why would Father want you back?"
"…and you will learn respect!"
"Remember this: no matter how things may seem to change…"
"You're just a banished prince!"
"…never forget who you are."
"Ever since I lost my son…"
"Maybe you could be free of it."
"…I have come to think of you as my own."
"Who are you? And what do you want?"
And Zuko makes his choice.
At times like this, it changes the entire world.
My great-grandfather was Avatar Roku.
…no. Still doesn't give him any great insight.
"Understanding the struggle between your two great-grandfathers can help you better understand the battle within yourself."
So why doesn't it make any sense, Uncle?
Good and evil, struggling within himself...only Zuko is born with the ability to cleanse his family's sins and restore balance…truly, Uncle was at his cryptic best. If only it could be more helpful.
But…he doesn't mean more helpful. Everything Uncle says is as helpful as it could be, isn't it? It's just hard.
But that's why it isn't helpful, isn't it? Helping is supposed to make things easier!
Or…perhaps that isn't necessarily so. Maybe how easy it is isn't supposed to equal how right it is. But…why should the right way be so hard?
Zuko has always struggled to be good. He spoke out at Father's war meeting to protect the lives of soldiers against senseless sacrifice by high command! He refused to duel Father because they are family! Killing one's Father isn't right! And those had hard consequences…
Zuko runs his fingers across his scar. Oh, yes, the consequences were very hard.
By contrast, Zuko's hunt for the Avatar…oh, the search itself was hard, but it gave him a purpose. He always knew what to do. He always knew what his goal was. Deciding what to do was simple, easy.
So why does it make everything seem so wrong?
He didn't worry at the war meeting if speaking out was wrong. He didn't hesitate to refuse to fight Father. He knew they were the right things to do. He never wondered, or questioned, or…regretted.
You aren't supposed to regret your destiny. So why does he always question and regret what he does in the course of his destiny to hunt the Avatar? It is what he is fated to do. Why is it so hard?
But…he never did choose that destiny. Father gave it to him. Maybe that's it. Maybe if you're living a destiny that somebody else gave you, you're doing it wrong.
Maybe the right way is so important because it's so hard.
"True heroism is determined by what a man does when no one is watching."
A tiny smile creeps over Zuko's face. "Thank you, Uncle," he whispers, a tear rolling down his cheek.
Then he stands, dashing the tear away and walking over to his bed. He unpins the crown that marks him as prince, feeling hair fall freely down around his face. Then he removes the armor plates from his shoulders, walks over to his desk, and spreads out a piece of parchment. The Day of Black Sun is upon the Fire Nation, and Zuko doesn't have much time.
He has a letter to write.
At times like this, it barely needs to be said.
"I'm sorry it has to end this way, brother!" she had sneered.
"No," he had quietly replied, "you're not."
She isn't. She really, really, isn't.
Zuko sets himself to redirect Azula's lightning, hardening himself against the thought of murdering his own sister. Azula might not be sorry about it coming to this, but he certainly is.
But then, Azula fires the bolt, not at him, but off to his right. He freezes for the merest fraction of a second. Azula may be slipping today, but her aim's been as spot-on as ever. Zuko's eyes slide off to his right, and he sees, just behind and to the right of him…
Katara?!
What is she doing? Why is she on the field? Didn't Zuko tell her that he could take Azula? Hasn't Katara been watching what's been happening? Zuko was about to win!
But these thoughts are irrelevant, truthfully. As soon as Zuko saw where the bolt was headed, he was running to get in its way. He doesn't need to think about it; this is just something that's right. Something that he knows is right down to his very bones in the same way that he knew speaking up at the war meeting when he was thirteen was the right thing to do.
He also knows that it's stupid. Sozin's comet is flying overhead; there's almost no chance that Katara can defeat Azula on her own if Zuko fumbles this. She's clever and a master waterbender, but Agni Kai arenas aren't built for anything other than straight-up power contests between firebenders. They don't reward resourcefulness. And Zuko knows that trying to redirect lightning without a solid stance is just asking to die. More than that, Azula is wide open. Zuko could kill her with a thought right now, because she's left herself completely undefended to strike at Katara. She's counting on Zuko to leap to Katara's defense; that, or she's just come completely unhinged. But he's playing right into her hands, sacrificing both his shot at her and likely his own life just to protect an asset that's vastly outmatched. It's stupid. But taking the shot would mean sacrificing Katara. Sacrificing a friend.
And that's not an option.
Zuko leaps, crying out, "NO!" He catches the bolt, bringing it down through his body, but he already knows that he's messed it up. The charge is moving too high.
But that's alright. He's remembering something from a long time ago; something he heard so long ago that he doesn't even remember where or when. Something Uncle told him. And this time, it isn't in Uncle's voice. This time, it's just a thought of Zuko's.
When no one is watching.
If Katara dies, then nobody saw. Nobody will have been watching, and no one will criticize. And truthfully, it wouldn't matter to him if there was someone. As the current passes through Zuko's chest, it's alright, because he knows he did the right thing. He doesn't even care that he manages to get some of the charge into the sky. Hoping is meaningless; the outcome isn't what's important here. Zuko is dying and Katara is probably doomed, but that's alright, because he knows this was the right choice.
He hears Katara's anguished cry and Azula's mad cackling, but that's alright.
Strangely, the right way was easy, for once. Easy like letting out a breath that was held for too long. A long-awaited, desperately-needed release.
When no one is watching.
A/N: I should note that this story reflects my personal interpretation of Zuko's thoughts and feelings at the moments depicted; it might not match yours. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy it; I had fun writing it. And yes, Iroh used the usual definition of integrity to define heroism in this fic.
This story was originally conceived after I finished writing Chapter 4 of the Avatar fic mentioned on my profile. After I was done, I went online to search for inspiration, and got sucked into the vortex that is the Zuko Tribute section of YouTube. There's some good stuff there. I recommend "Zuko Will Not Bow" and "Hero of Fire" in particular, they're excellent.
I hope you all enjoy this first foray of mine into the arena of Fanfiction writing. In fact, why not leave a review to tell me what you did and did not like? Like most writers, I do atrophy without feedback, so by letting me know what you think you are prolonging my existence. I would be very grateful to you if you'd be so good as to do so. I'm also likely to visit your profile and check up on your stories if you review me, if that makes a difference to you.
But that's all for now. See you later!