Pimp Daddy Tonks: A Hogwarts Tale
"Artemis Tonks Shacklebolt! What in the name of a House-Elf is taking you so blasted long?!" The young metamorphic-mage's mother shouted up the stairs at him. "I'm warning you, that train isn't going to wait around!"
"Hold on, let me try one more nose!" Artemis squeezed his eyes shut and felt the bones in his face reconstruct. "Oh yes, I think this is the one I'll use! It's quite dashing."
"You'd better be dashing down here or…."
"I'll be forced to call you Nymphadora?" Artemis grinned as he apparated to the landing.
His mother couldn't restrain a smile beneath her presently shoulder-length striped purple hair. Also a metamorphic-mage, she was constantly trying to find a suitable look.
"I don't think I was ever as impudent as you are." She said, grinning.
"I think you were." Kingsley Shacklebolt strode over to his wife and put a muscular arm around his wife's shoulder. "But I never imagined I would have such a son. Then I married you so it was inevitable." His voice rumbled.
"That's a compliment, Mum." Artemis Tonks Shacklebolt winked at his mother. "All right-y, let's get this charming lad to platform 9 and three quarters!" He offered an arm to his mother. "Shall we?"
Artemis grinned at his mother through the train window. She waved goodbye and held Kingsley's hand. A. Tonks Shacklebolt rolled his eyes and returned to his seat. His nearest and dearest called him Tonks. He thought Shacklebolt was too long, Artemis was just stupid, but Tonks fit him just right. This year, he had big plans. It was his seventh and final year at Hogwarts and he knew exactly what needed to be done.
"Bring on the women." He said to his friend Sirius Potter.
Sirius grinned mischievously. He had inherited his messy black hair from his father and his bright brown eyes from his mother, Ginny. Next to him sat his cousin, Albus Weasley, son of Ron and Hermione. He, like his father, had red hair, and like his mother, it was a fro. Nobody called Albus by his proper name, everyone called him Afro Albus, which eventually faded into Fro. The three of them had grown up together and had spent much of their adolescence ogling at Wanking Wizard magazine, photos of naked witches that had been enchanted to call their names.
A girl knocked on the door and came in.
"Sorry boys, there's nowhere else to sit." The girl sat down next to Tonks, who looked at her short, purple hair and was strongly reminded of his mother.
"You're from America, aren't you?" Fro asked.
"Yup." She turned to look at Tonks. "Say, you're a metamorph too!" She clapped.
Tonks grinned. He was sure that Sirius, Fro and he all shared one thought "endless possibilities."
In the present seventh grade class, there were six metamorphic mages, and now this girl. Tonks was the only male metamorphic mage. He had big plans for the other five.
"What's your name?" He asked the girl lazily.
"Reggie. Short for Regina and if you even try to call me by that name I will beat you to within an inch of your life." She flexed muscles that even metamorphic mages had to work towards.
"Gotcha chicka." Tonks winked. "Where did you go before Hogwarts?"
"King George's Academy. El parentos decided to move in my last year there. So considerate." She pulled a face.
"It's our last year too." Sirius said, ruffling his hair, like his grandfather had been want to do.
"Is it now? You Brits sure are tiny."
The three boys' mouths dropped.
"I'm just playing with you." She pulled a book out of her bag. "So, what are the teachers like?"
"What are you taking?" Sirius asked. He knew all of the teachers personally, as his father was Defense Against the Dark Arts professor.
"Charms, Defense, Transfiguration, Potions, Astronomy, Care of Magical Creatures, and Arithmancy."
"Jeez, you're taking a lot." Fro's eyes widened.
"Professor Longbottom teaches Charms. He's kind of forgetful, but he's nice enough."
"And just how long is his bottom?"
"Rather. Professor Potter teaches Defense."
"Potter as in Harry Potter?"
"Yup. My dad. The famous and talented Harry Potter." Sirius grinned, loving the attention.
"Awesome. So your dad killed old Dark Man. That's gotta be a story worth hearing first person."
"If you can get him to tell it. You're more likely to hear it from Professor Granger. She teaches Transfiguration. Professor Snape teaches Potions, he's getting old, but he's still a jerk. Professor Sinistra teaches Astronomy. She's not bad. Professor Hagrid… he's really big, part-giant… teaches Creatures. You'll like him. And, actually, Professor Granger teaches Arithmancy too. She doesn't get many breaks, that one."
"Who's head of the school?"
"Headmistress McGonagall. Strict, nothing like Dumbledore apparently, but she's good."
"That's what counts."
"What house are you in?"
"No idea. You?"
"We're all in Gryffindor, of course." Fro said proudly.
"Yes, that was so obvious because I know everything psychically." Reggie's voice was heavy with sarcasm.
"So you're going to be sorted today?" Tonks' eyebrows lifted.
"Mmhmm." She looked down at her book.
"Sucks to be you." Tonks looked away.
Reggie slowly looked up. "Why?"
"Well, after McGonagall took up the throne… she may be a good teacher and all but she really likes her… what would you call it?"
"Tests." Sirius continued seriously. They had pulled this on countless first years, and all of them had gone into the Great Hall practically crying.
"Oh, well then." Reggie looked back down in her book. "If you three could pass them, I'm sure I won't have a problem."
"Americans, so cocky." Fro grinned.
"You honestly think that I didn't know about the Sorting Hat? Gods, I'm not totally ignorant. My father went to Hogwarts with your parents, might I add."
"And who was he?"
"The biggest asshole that ever lived. Draco Malfoy."