Ridin' the Bus
An Invader Zim Fanfiction by KidKourage
What…About…the Bus?
Do you know what? I just finished writing two whole stories that didn't have Dib and Gaz in them. And the three I wrote before that had them only as secondary characters. That was wrong, and I apologize. However, don't slay me yet, all you Dib and Gaz fans out there, because this fic is dedicated entirely to your favorite brother-sister duo of doom! Yay, Dib and Gaz and stuff…forever! Woohoo! To understand this story, you've gotta know a little background about my skool. See the university is broken up into several separate campuses which all have their own graduation requirements, housing, and dining facilities. I happen to be enrolled at the women's college, partially because that means all-girl housing and my parents liked that idea, and partially because they offered me more scholarship money. Anyway, my campus is nice and forested and pleasant to walk through, but basically the food is smelly. There's much better eating at the other skools of the university. However, the only way to get to these fabled dining facilities is to…bum bum bummmmm…take the bus.
The scene is the bus stop closest to KidK's residence hall! And the date is November 11, also known--at least this year--as Veterans Day. You un-college-y kids all know this day as a lovely Monday off, but that's just another one of the bad points about college…I don't get those kinds of days off. Of course, you don't get the entire month of January off or get to leave skool in the middle of May, so I suppose we're even. Anyway, let the Dib and Gaz mayhem begin, because I love Dib and Gaz so muchly!
Dib: Is the bus going to come soon? These college kids are creeping me out. (look! It's Dib!)
Gaz: This from the boy who said he was ready to be in college. (And Gaz! OK, I think I've made my point now)
KidK: You must've meant intellectually, right Dib? Like you're smart enough to pass the classes? I believe that. However, no one is ever ready to be in college physically.
Dib: But you seem to be getting along fine. You know your way around, the frightening upperclassmen don't worry you…
KidK: I've adapted. The key is to have a pattern and stick to it. Pretty soon you get so bored you don't even notice that the people around you are annoying.
Gaz: Can you teach me that trick? I want to not notice Dib anymore. And I also don't want to notice this guy who keeps looking at me!
Creepy Student: I like…purple…heheheheheh…
Gaz: Get a life, pal! You'll need a spare when I remove you from this one!
KidK: Gaz, you don't need any advice on how to deal with college kids. You've already worked it all out perfectly. Now, what campus are we going to again? We've got to make sure we get on the right bus.
Dib: Well, I wanted to check out Busch, since that's where a lot of the science labs are, but it's just so far away! Why is that?
KidK: I have no idea. It's in a different town altogether, even. I guess they ran out of room and had to build Busch across the river. So how about College Avenue instead? They've got fast-food stands in addition to the dining halls.
Gaz: Whose idea was it to ride the bus anyhow? Why can't we just stay here to eat and get it over with?
Dib: Hey, KidK's Mom was nice enough to drive us up here, and since she's coming back for us at four, we may as well spend our limited time having fun at a decent dining hall.
KidK: It's an adventure! I've never ridden the bus before.
Gaz: I've never been to a women's studies class before. That didn't make it fun. (note: I had Shaping a Life on Monday too)
KidK: Point taken. But…you know, I think I remember…there was an arcade at the College Ave student center.
Gaz: We've gotta get there, and fast! Where's the stinking bus?!
KidK: Oh, here comes one! What letters does it have on its marquee?
Dib: I think it says 'E.'
KidK: That's the one! Hurry, before the smelly jocks from the health center take all the good seats!
Bus Slave: Hey, you! You got an ID?
KidK: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Bus Slave: *snort* How 'bout them?
KidK: No…do they look like college students?
Bus Slave: I dunno, they could be dwarfs…that kid's got a really big head, you know.
Dib: I do not have a big head!
Gaz: You have a big ugly growth on your neck…oh, that's your face.
Bus Slave: Impudent fools! If you are not students, you must pay to ride! And the price is very high indeed, so high that little children like you pests cannot pay!
KidK (raising an eyebrow): Oh, really? How much?
Bus Slave: A whole shiny quarter each! Wahahahahaaaaa!
Dib: A quarter? You think a quarter is a lot?
Gaz: Hey, it's a lot when you're playing pinball.
KidK: Here's your bloody quarters, and may you never have a day's luck with them! (My Fair Lady ref) Come on, guys, let's get us some seats.
Bus Slave: Soon I will be the queen of the bus system, and I will sit on my throne on a mountain of shiny quarters!!! Eeeheeheeheeheeeee!
Jock: Der, can we, like, get on with this, lady? I've gotta football practice to be at, like now.
Bus Slave (back to 'normal'): Yes, sir.
Our heroes take their seats toward the middle of the double-length bus, and the ride gets underway.
KidK: Oh, man, I forgot to call Zim! Geez, he's gonna be mad…
Dib: You have a calling schedule?
KidK: Well, yes. I'm supposed to call my Mom right after class, and then call Zim before I go to lunch. That's because you guys have your lunch period at about that time, so it's OK to call then.
Dib: But…a schedule? Doesn't that seem even a little bit, I don't know…weird to you? Like he wants to know where you are every second? I'll bet he put some kind of alien device inside your brain or something, and he needs to check on it often to make sure it's still functioning.
Gaz: Or he could just care what's going on with his best friend.
Dib: Or that. But I still think there's something fishy about this…
KidK (to the communicator): Hey, Zim, what's up? Enjoying your day off?
Zim: Yes, it's so convenient of the humans to allow their offspring these vacation days every once in a while. Gives me all the more time to plot their doom.
KidK: So, what was so important that you couldn't spend the day with me? I mean, Dib and Gaz were nice enough to come.
Zim: Why would I wish to go anywhere with the Dib-monkey? I have so much better things to do. Like, for example, this amazing foot-enlarging device that will make humans' feet so big they'll crush the cities for me!
Dib: I heard that, Zim! And it'll never work!
Zim: Yes it will.
Dib: No it won't.
Zim: Yes it will!
Dib: No it won't!
Gir (in the background): Master, look! My feetses growed! Wheeheeheeheee! Stomp stomp stomp! (crash sound effect) Oops.
Zim: Gir, that was the Voot Cruiser! Stop moving around! No, no, don't do a victory dance! Stop it!
KidK: I can see you're busy. I'll call you back later, OK?
Zim: Yes, yes, you do that. Gir watch out for the--*fizzzzzzzzzz*
KidK: Well, that's the end of that conversation.
Geek (leaning over the aisle): Hey…huhuh…that's a neat gadget you've got there, kid…what's it do?
Gaz: None of your business! Ugh, do you ever shower?
Geek: I was only asking about the cool game-thing…is it a computer?
Gaz: I told you to go away! Can't you see I'm trying to beat this last level? If I lose now I'm holding you personally responsible!
Geek: It doesn't look like your average Game-Boy…
Gaz: That's because it's a Game-Boy Advance. Duh! Happy now?
Geek: No…I want one! Can I play yours for a minute? Just a little minute?
Gaz: …………………
Dib: Well, guy-with-a-death-wish, now you've done it.
Gaz: NO! Nobody touches my Game-Boy Advance but me! Now stop talking to me or you'll regret it!
Geek: You've got issues.
KidK: Mister Geeky Guy, just quit while you've a head.
Geek: What?
Dib: Nobody really expected you to get it. That was a pun, or play on words.
KidK: Dib, you quoted Terry Pratchett! You've been reading Discworld?
Dib: Yeah, I got Jingo from the library. We had book reports and it was an excuse to read something good for a change.
KidK: Oooo, book reports on Pratchett are hard. On account of there's so much to summarize because of all the different but equally crucial subplots going on at the same time. And teachers never seem to appreciate the irony.
Dib: Oh, Miz Bitters liked how the book dealt with international intrigue. She said it was like an allegory of the underhanded way governments deal with each other under the table and how someday the ball will drop and then we're all toast. She also seemed to enjoy the satiric take on law enforcement, and she laughed out loud when I mentioned that Pratchett uses the personification of Death as a character in every one of his novels.
KidK: Really? Gosh, I underestimated her. I suppose sometimes 'doom' is the right answer.
Dib: Well, Zim was certainly interested in my report. A little too interested, if you ask me. He was taking notes on how the spies tried to fool each other and how the police force managed to sneak up on the enemy army.
KidK: He probably thinks Jingo is an actual story of something that really happened and wants to use its winning tactics against us when the time comes. But of course since you've read the book too, that'll never work.
Dib: Of course not. (note: Read it! I only want to expand your horizons!)
Gaz: Should this ride be taking this long? Isn't this College Avenue place supposed to be only ten minutes away by car?
KidK: Yeah, and the bus lady's certainly driving faster than a car.
Bus Slave: Get outta the way, you stinking SUVs! I am the queen of the road and you will obey me! What? What?! Give me the bird, will you? I'll run you off the road!
Dib: This really restores my faith in public transportation. Whoa!
KidK: Bumpy ride, huh?
Gaz: Get off me, Dib! You threw off my aim!
Bus Slave: Well, here we are! Now get off my bus and go get a job! The queen commands you, so do it!
KidK: Thank you for a very exciting ride, Miz Bus Slave.
Dib: Yes, it was quite an adventure.
Bus Slave: I am not your slave! I rule the skool!
Gaz: Nice hat.
Bus Slave: Oh, you really think so?
Gaz: No.
They get off the bus and take a good look at their surroundings. Then KidK makes a very crucial observation.
KidK: This is not College Avenue.
Gaz: It's not? What is it, then?
KidK: Well, I've only been to this campus once, but I'd recognize these new, airy, un-dilapidated buildings anywhere. This is Busch.
Gaz: And who was it that said that bus was the right one to take?
Dib (nervous): Ahahaha…maybe that was an 'F' after all…
Gaz: You did this on purpose! You said you wanted to come here, so you told us to get on the wrong bus!
Dib: No I didn't--it was an honest mistake! Really!
KidK: Well, it doesn't really matter. We're here now, so we should make the best of it. And, indeed, Busch supposedly has the best food of any of the five skools!
Gaz: But…does it have an arcade?
KidK: I don't know. We can look for one if you want.
Gaz: Of course I want! Now let's go get some food so we can start looking.
KidK: OK, I think the student center is that way.
Ten minutes later--
KidK: I could be wrong…
Dib: Wow, this must be where they teach the astronomy and rocket science classes! Look at that telescope!
Gaz: Yeah, yeah, real nice and whatnot. Let's go!
Dib: But I want to see how it works! Hey, you! Student guy! Can I see the telescope?
Student Guy: Errrrr…nope.
Dib (exasperated): Why not?
Student Guy: Because…ummmm…because.
Dib: 'Because?' That's a pretty sorry reason, pal. What major are you, anyway?
Student Guy: English…but I heard astronomy was easy, so I'm takin' it for my cores. Science stinks, you know?
Dib: …what are you talking about?! Science is the most important field of all! Without it, how would we know anything about…anything?! What kind of a university is this, allowing people like you to fill up its finest classes and ruin them for those who are truly passionate about the stars? (ooo, 'Nny-ish rant! Well, people do say they look alike…) I'll bet you don't even believe in aliens, do you?
Student Guy: Aliens? No way, little dude. There's just no chance that there could be life on other planets.
Dib (practically hysterical--his belief system's been questioned): Why not? What are they teaching you here?!
Student Guy: The prof says that the conditions needed to support intelligent life like mankind are so highly specified that really Earth is a million to one chance in the universe.
Dib: But, if you'd noticed, million to one chances have a tendency to crop up nine times out of ten.
KidK: More quoting! That is so cute. (and that is a quote in itself…)
Gaz: And who said mankind is intelligent life?
Student Guy: Ummmm…the prof?
Dib (blankly): Just let me use the telescope.
Astronomy Prof: What's all that noise over there?
Student Guy: This kid wants to use our telescope.
Astronomy Prof: Sorry, son, but it's a very delicate machine and we can't just let small children mess around with it.
KidK: But this isn't just any ordinary kid, sir. Perhaps you've heard of Professor Membrane, world-famous genius scientist?
Astronomy Prof: Everybody's heard of him! I saw his dissertation on genetic engineering, and it was brilliant! Those flying sheep were amazing until they exploded!
KidK: Well, this is his son Dib.
Astronomy Prof: The son of the great Professor Membrane? Here in my classroom?! Hey, why didn't you let them in sooner? Sorry for the inconvenience; these students couldn't find the North Star with the highest-resolution telescope on the planet.
Dib: Sweet! I'm gonna use this thing to spy on Zim's house!
KidK: You mean my house? Dibby, you've been there.
Dib: But he's there all alone! Who knows what evil he may be plotting?
Astronomy Prof: Did you say 'evil?' What kind of evil?
Dib: Well, listen closely and I'll let you in on one of the greatest discoveries mankind has ever known…
About fifteen minutes later…
Dib: They laughed at me! Closed-minded college rejects! We'll see who's laughing when Zim's evil masters send their army to destroy our civilization and enslave us all to work in their horrible radioactive mine shafts!
Gaz: Can we eat now?
KidK: Yes. Now where was that student center again…?
Dib: I think it's over there. See, the big building that has 'Student Center' painted on it.
KidK: Oh, right! I have no sense of direction. Let's eat!
Later, after a lovely meal…
Dib: I can't believe they had a real Chinese food stand in there! I am so enrolling here in six years if Harvard and Princeton burn to the ground!
KidK: Yeah, the pizza's good too. Well, science-y people do have a tendency to stay up really late working on stuff and then have to order fast food at two in the morning…I know Zim does, though he orders me to get him Pop-Tarts.
Dib: That's one stereotype I agree with. The guy from the Lung Wah Restaurant back home knows our address by heart now.
Gaz: So it's you who always calls for food when I'm trying to sleep! You've escaped my vengeance for so long because I figured it was Dad! Now let's look for that arcade.
KidK: You know, now that I think of it…there isn't one here. It's one of the only things this campus doesn't have that you'd think it should. We'd better just try to take the bus to College Ave again.
Gaz: Well, let's make sure we get on the right one this time.
At the bus stop!
Computer Whiz 1: So I upgraded all the modems in the library, and now the connections are twice as fast!
Computer Whiz 2: That's nothing. I was the one who invented the air-vibration-detecting burglar alarms in the residence halls!
Average Kid: One time I made a rainbow by spraying my hose in the sunlight…
All the Science Geniuses: ………………….
Gaz: Look, see? That bus is the 'E.' Hurry up before it leaves!
And then they were on another bus ride…how lovely.
Bus Slave: You non-student kids gotta--
Dib: Yeah, we know. We've gotta pay a whole shiny quarter to ride.
Bus Slave: Darn right! That Rita thinks she's gonna be queen of the quarters, but she's got another think comin' if she thinks she can beat out ole' Victor here! I am Victor! And so I shall be victorious!
KidK: Yes, yes, very clever and all. Just drive the bus.
Gaz: Or you will pay.
Cheerleader: Ooooo, lookit the cute little kids! Are they, like, your little brother and sister or some junk?
KidK: Well, they're not my siblings, but neither do I think of them as 'some junk.' They're my friends.
Cheerleader: Oh, that's so sweeeeeet. I used to tell the kids I babysat that they were my best friends too! How much are you getting, like, paid to watch them on a skool day?
Gaz: Shut up. I'm trying to concentrate.
Cheerleader: Are you playing a game, little girl? What game is it, 'Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen in Las Vegas?'
Gaz: No, actually it's 'Killer Vampires of Bloody Fury.' This is the level where the vampire sucks the blood of the entire cheerleading squad! Wanna see?
Cheerleader (tiny voice): No.
KidK: Wow, Gaz, you're really good at this!
Gaz: Ha. And the skool counselor says I'm not a people-person…
Dib: Um, why have we stopped?
Bus Slave: Oh, dear god, no! Not…midday traffic! Sorry, kids, but this is gonna be a while.
Crazy Guy: But…but I'm claustrophobic! I'll die if I don't get some air soon! I can't live much longer in this tiny enclosed space! Eeeeee!
Everyone Else: ………………….
Nerd: Huh huh…hey kid, wanna see my stain-resistance, waterproof, ultra-accurate space watch that I made with things found around the home?
Dib: No.
Nerd: Aw, come on and look! It works in space!
Dib: How do you know? Have you ever been to space?
Nerd: Well…no…but I'll bet it works there! I'm gonna be a rocket scientist when I grow up.
KidK: When you grow up? You're in college! You've gotta be at least twenty years old. I think that phrase is a little inappropriate now.
Nerd: You think so?
KidK: Yes.
Nerd: Do you think people will stop beating me up if I don't say things like 'when I grow up?'
KidK: Mister, to get people to stop beating you up, you'd need to stop being interested in science, and change your voice so it's not so nasal, and alter your entire mode of dress--in short, you'd have to stop being yourself. Is such a sacrifice really worth it? And even then jocks are always looking for smaller guys to pick on. That's just how the world works, however sad that may be. The trick is not to let it bother you. (in the absence of 'Nny, this will have to suffice for today's philosophy lesson)
Nerd: Oh…cool! A girl just talked to me for like a whole minute! This is the best day ever! I can't wait to tell the guys in my physics class!
KidK: *sigh*
Nerd: Hey…wanna see my space watch?
KidK: No thanks. My friend's got one just like it, actually.
Dib: Zim has a space watch?! Give that thing here! I've got to conduct an analysis, and quickly! Zim may think he's gotten one step ahead of me, but he won't use this watch to conquer the world!
Nerd: Hey! That's my space watch!
Dib: Would you rather have your space watch and be enslaved by murderous aliens, or would you rather give me the space watch and go free?
Nerd: …aliens! Sweet! I can't wait to meet them!
Dib: Let me tell you something about these aliens…
A very long time passes as the bus slowly inches through the traffic.
Nerd (shaking uncontrollably): They're…coming…nyaaarg…moooo…
Dib (completely unconcerned): How long have we been on this bus?
KidK: I don't know, but it's been too long for my liking. Hey, what happened to Gaz?
Bus Slave: Now listen, little girl, I can't make the bus go faster. We'd have to be able to fly to get out of this traffic.
Gaz: Then…make…us…fly! There's arcade games to be played, and if we don't get there soon it'll be time to go home!
Bus Slave: You just take your seat, kid. Ole' Victor will have us outta this soon enough.
Gaz: 'Soon enough' isn't soon enough! We have to get moving now!
KidK: Uh oh, I think Gaz has bus rage.
Dib: This happened once before when we went to a game convention in New York! Hey, bus man, whatever you do, don't let her--
Gaz (pushing the bus slave off his seat): Move! It's my turn to play!
Dib: …drive.
Suddenly, the bus is hurtling along at top speed down the crowded street, weaving in and out between the lanes amongst the throng of honking, angry motorists stuck in gridlock. How? Well, I know from experience that driving a real vehicle is just a slightly more complicated version of playing racing games…
Gaz: Why do the lanes have to be this wide?! If they just made them the right size, more cars could fit on the road!
Dib: I don't think you're supposed to be cutting people off like that, sis!
Gaz: Fat lot you know about driving, Dib! I've played games harder than this! Hey, get out of the way, you stupid pedestrians! Uh oh, red light.
Dib: You're stopping at the red light?! After all the other horribly illegal things you've already done?!
Gaz (shrugging): There's no point in getting anyone killed. I like to finish a level with all my lives intact. Remember, however--I could have just sped up. OK, people, here we go!
Cheerleader: Oh, god! My mascara's running!
Nerd: I can't find my pocket protector!
Crazy Guy: We're all gonna diiiiiiiie!
KidK: Whee! This is better than Great Adventure! (I'm sane, you know.)
Ten minutes later, Gaz is happily playing World Cup Soccer Pinball at the College Avenue student center arcade.
Dib: Well…those were several minutes of my life that I won't want to remember tomorrow.
KidK: I think we should just be glad we have a tomorrow at this point. (she glances at her watch) Uh oh, look at the time! We'd better start thinking about catching a bus back to Douglass.
Dib: Can't we walk?
KidK: Afraid not. That'd probably take hours.
Gaz: Let's go. This arcade is lame anyway. Well, at least I got the high score on that bus-driving game. So, guys, which way to the bus stop?
KidK and Dib: …………………………
The End!
1/16/01--4:36 PM