Resident Evil and all of it's characters and locations belong to Capcom.
Sunday morning. 6:35 AM. RPD Locker Room.
Kevin Ryman lay on his back in his uniform shirt and boxers on the old, wooden bench. His sunglasses on in an attempt to block out the glow of the fluorescent bulbs over head. His head is pounding, and he can smell his own hungover breath. What was the Pryor line? Like somebody shit in your mouth?
"MORNIN', PARTNER!" Officer Forest Speyer shouted as he entered the room.
"Shit! What's wrong with you?!" Kevin spit out, leaning up in his elbows.
"Or should I say, MOURNIN', partner?"
Kevin stared at him blankly through his Wayfarers.
"Y'know, mournin' spelled m-o-u-r-n-i-n?" Forest explained.
"Yeah, I got it."
"Why so glum, champ?" Forest asked far too loudly for Kevin's throbbing head; a goofy smile on his face as he as sat down next to him.
"Y'know, the real question is, how in the hell are you so lively at 6:30 on a Sunday fuckin' morning?"
Forest erupted in a roaring guffaw, a trademark of this particular precinct of the Raccoon Police Department. Speyer wasn't from around here, but Kevin wasn't exactly sure where he was from. Somewhere down south. Kentucky or something.
"Partner, I'm ain't but joshin ya on this fine Sabbath mornin'. Now, I wonder how it's you spent your Saturday night?" Forest asked with a Cheshire grin in his face.
"Nnnnnnnnph..." Kevin groaned as he stretched onto his back once again. That alone caused Forest to break out into another cackle.
"Welp, I guess that tells me all I need to know, cuz."
"Mmph."
"Now tell me this. You get any action?"
No groan this time.
Forest's eyebrows perked up as he turned to look at his hungover partner. Kevin had a big grin on his face regardless.
"Aaaaaaw, my man! C'mon, spill it, man. I knew you wouldn't let me down."
Kevin shot straight up and excitedly took off his his shades, grimacing as the light hit his exposed eyes.
"Okay, but you can't say shit to anybody. Not Jan. Not Jill. Especially not Jill. And Dean. Especially, especially, not fuckin Dean. Okay?"
"Damn, cuz, you got it. I won't tell a soul a thing."
"Tell what?" asked Jan, the senior cop on this shift, as she walked into the near abandoned locker room.
Kevin gave Forest a disgusted look.
"What, man?" Forest asked, barely maintaining his composure. "It's just Jan. We can trust Jan. Right?"
"Cut the shit, Speyer. I'm not promising anything when it comes to you two. So, spill it, rookie."
"Ya see?" added Forest.
"Okay, okay!" Kevin irritably exclaimed. "Will you two hold it down? Shit!"
Forest and Jan both seemed to lean in with anticipation.
"Okay, remember last week?" Kevin began. "Redfield brought his sister by? Claire?"
"Oh, noooooo. Kevin, you didn't." Jan said, already seeing where the story was headed.
"Shoot, yeah, I remember. How could I forget them long legs? Plus, as a fellow redhead, I'm always interested to see how two particular shades of carpet match up. If ya catch my drift."
"Shit, you pig! She's only 17! And barely! She just had a birthday last month!" Jan screeched.
"Plus, that analogy needs a little wor- SEVENTEEN?!" Kevin broke off mid-sentence. "She's only seventeen?! She looks 25!"
"You know how it is these days with these young girls, Kevin. The girl down the block from me got pregnant at FIFTEEN!" Said Jan.
"Oh my god..." Kevin said flatly.
"I know. I was shocked too. Her mother asked me to speak to her, but I said-"
"I don't give a shit about the girl, Jan!" Kevin interrupted. "I'm more worried about the underaged girl I had sex with!"
The door opened as Kevin said that, and Dean stepped into the room with a smile on his face.
"Oh, this is gonna be a marvelous day." Dean deadpanned, looking right at Kevin. "Jan, fill me in!"
"Kevin fucked Redfield's kid sister."
"Ryman! Little Claire?! You didn't!"
"Well...'fuck' is a strong word." Kevin said.
"I would agree with that." Forest quipped. "And I wouldn't exactly say she's "Little Claire" any more either."
"Oh. She's fat?" Dean asked.
"Brother, in all the right areas."
"Tell me more." Dean said with an astonished look on his face.
"Jesus! Enough you two!" Jan interrupted. "Kevin, you said you didn't have sex with her? Then what happened?"
"Well, I ate her pussy out."
"My God, Kevin!"
"Hang on, I think you got a little red hair sticking out the corner of your mouth there." Forest joked.
"Then, she was going down on me, but..."
Silence and tension filled the room.
"What, Ryman?" Dean asked. "C'mon you can trust us."
Kevin cleared his throat.
"Well, she fell asleep during it."
A beat of silence hit the room before it was replaced with booming laughter from all three of Kevin's colleagues.
" She fell asleep with your dick in her mouth?!" Forest asked with tears running down his face, almost breathless.
"Yeah, so what?! She just couldn't handle the alcohol is all!" Kevin shouted as he stood and moved to his open locker. "And I'm sure she was exhausted from the pleasure I brought upon her nether regions!"
"Yeah, I'm sure your unusually small dick had NOTHING to do with it." Dean jabbed.
Kevin turned from his open locker to face the group.
"Well, if my dick is so small, why is she coming over again tonight? Or, CUMMING over again tonight? And that's the non-traditional spelling of c-u-m-m-i-n-g!"
All three were stunned. Jan was the first to speak.
"Kevin, c'mon. She may be barely illegal, but she's still under age! You know how much trouble you would be in?"
"All the shit I put up with with Redfield, what could be sweeter satisfaction the next time he pisses me off than knowing I fucked his kid sister? Twice!"
"You're a sick, evil man." Jan said.
"And, technically, you're only gonna fuck her once." Dean added.
"Well, I jerked off on her tits after she fell asleep last night. I think that counts as one."
The group groan collectively. Kevin closed his locker, only to find Jill Valentine leaning against the row of lockers, arms folded and an expression of disbelief on her face. The other three officers quickly stood up and went to opposite sides of the room, leaving Kevin and Jill alone. Kevin put his dark shades back on, cleared his throat and spoke.
"So...are we still on for this Friday, or..."