The disclaimer saying that I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters is in summer reruns. This is just a crazy little sequel to 'Mutant Television'.
Another Public Message From BMZ
"Hello out there in TV Land!" Fred cheerfully waved to the viewers. "Once again it's BMZ! The show that gives you what you want!"
"Good! Can I have a cyanide tablet so I can get out of this nightmare?" Rogue groaned.
"Today folks we'd like to introduce some special guests here on BMZ," Lance said pointing to the X-Men on the couch. "We got the X-Men! Cyclops, Jean Grey, Iceman, Rogue, Nightcrawler and Shadowcat."
"I'd like to say we're happy to be here but it's a total lie," Scott grumbled. Jean hit him on the arm.
"Now you're all wondering what the X-Men our rivals are doing on this show," Pietro said. "Well our groups are working together for a better future for mutant kind! We have a truce going on to promote peace and harmony! To bring together the oneness of the world…"
"Quit laying it on so thick, Pietro!" Wanda snapped. "The only reason the X-Men are here is that they got busted with us thanks to your stupid animal act!"
"As if we'd come here willingly!" Kitty rolled her eyes. "Toad you are just so lucky that zoo official friend of yours got caught renting all those animals to other people!"
"In hindsight, renting those hippos at that rich kid's pool party was not a smart idea," Fred sighed. "Did you know hippos are extremely territorial and a lot more people die of hippo attacks than crocodile attacks?"
"It certainly was true at that party," Pyro quipped. "That crocodile didn't even bite off a whole arm! Just a couple of fingers! Whereas the hippos tore off several…"
"In other words the courts gave us a choice," Bobby interrupted. "Do a public service show or jail. I still say we should have chosen jail! I mean if we keep hanging out with these guys we're just gonna end up there anyway!"
"What do you mean?" Pyro was setting a nearby chair on fire.
"I rest my case!" Bobby snapped as he froze the fire out. "Pyro we told you! We have to pay for those! Cut it out!"
"Don't whine to me. I wanted to clean trash off the highway nooooooo," Rogue grumbled. "We had to do this!"
"I don't know why all of you are complaining!" Scott snapped. "I'm the one that got mauled by a giraffe and they charged me with assaulting an animal!"
"Oh Scott stop being such a drama freak," Kurt rolled his eyes. "That giraffe barely touched you! Now that evil penguin on the other hand…"
"Nightcrawler!" Rogue snapped.
"But it nearly bit my tail off!" Kurt protested.
"Can we like get on with this?" Kitty asked. "How long is this show on for?"
"Usually or supposed to be?" Todd asked. "Because we do tend to run short on account of the occasional fight or fire around here."
"Kitty we're only three minutes into a thirty minute show," Wanda said. "Suck it up."
"Okay let's start with our first segment," Lance said. "Why it's not a good idea to rent wild animals for a party."
"Uh Lance, we can't show the clip," Todd said. "The FCC called us before the show went on and most of the video is either too graphic or it's evidence for the courts."
"But it's running non stop on the internet!" Lance said.
"That's another reason," Todd shrugged. "Copyright infringement."
"Like that's ever stopped us before," Pietro rolled his eyes.
"Hold on, I've got this," Scott held up his hand and looked into the camera. "Kids don't rent wild animals for parties. Because you might end up being forced to work with these animals!"
"I can just feel the love around here," Todd quipped.
"Let's go onto the next segment shall we?" Jean intervened. "How about we talk about mutation and the feelings teenagers go through when they experience them?"
"How about we just lie down and take a nap while we're at it?" Todd asked. "Because that's what the audience is going to do!"
"Toad," Jean gave him a look before turning her attention back to the camera. "I understand that many of you don't understand the effects mutation has on people."
"I know the effects her talking has on me," Todd yawned.
"Mutation can be a scary process," Jean began. "Frightening, isolating…You feel like you're alone and no one can relate to you. But there are people out there who can help. You don't have to go through it alone. Mutation is a natural process and should be celebrated. Not hidden away or ignored."
"ZZNNNNNNNNNNAAAAKKK" Todd snored very loudly with his large mouth open sprawled on the couch. Jean telekinetically threw a book at him. "Hey!"
"Lance will you tell your idiot team mate to knock it off?" Jean snapped. "HEY!"
"Huh?" Lance roused out of a daydream. "Sorry Jean I kind of nodded off there. Did you want something?"
"Scott will you…?" Jean turned to her boyfriend and heard a soft snore. "Scott…? Are you snoring? SCOTT!" She whacked him on the back of her head. "WAKE UP!"
"What? What?" Scott looked back and forth.
"Oh forget it!" Jean grunted. "Just go to the next segment!"
"And now because we really were desperate to put something on this show that was somewhat educational," Pietro said. "Helpful Hints with Blob and Rogue! Take it away!"
"I'd love to…" Rogue grumbled as she and Fred stood in front of a counter. "Take it far away from him as possible!"
"Hey you're no Kelly Ripa yourself so make any cracks!" Fred snapped. Then he smiled for the camera. "Hello friends. You know its that time of year again when we're out in the sun to have some fun! Unfortunately so are the mosquitoes."
"Yeah and not everyone is lucky enough to have Toad around to eat 'em," Rogue quipped.
"Or have deadly toxic skin that would drain the life force of anything it touches," Fred added. "I mean seriously Rogue I've never even seen a housefly come close to you! The last bugs that bit you had to go to the hospital!"
"Speaking of hospitals, I can send you to one real fast if you don't stop with the cracks!" Rogue glared at him.
"Any-who," Fred went on. "Here's a tip that's cheap and surprising! Take an ordinary bottle of Listerine and spray it on any non-wood surface outdoors. Swings, plastic table and chairs, door frames and voila! Watch those mosquitoes go bye bye! I haven't tried it on my skin yet but like I said with Toad around I don't need to."
"You stole this bit from an e-mail didn't you?" Rogue said.
"That and we're hoping to get a sponsorship," Fred nodded. "Or at the very least some free mouthwash. Seriously Rogue, your coffee breath can wake up half of San Francisco!"
"Well unlike you Blob I don't brush my teeth after every meal!" Rogue admitted. "Not everyone can do that twenty four times a day!"
"Hoo, fat joke. Real professional here…" Fred gritted his teeth. "By the way Rogue, Dracula called. He wants you to stop infringing on his trademark."
"Oh really?" Rogue glared at him. "Well the circus also called. They want to know if you're finished using their main tent as a bib!"
"At least when I go out for a snack, all the blood banks in the state don't go on red alert!" Fred snapped.
"When you go out for a snack, supermarkets close!" Rogue snapped.
"That was one time and I was with my cousins!" Fred snapped. "And it was my Uncle Bubba Jane that owned that store and told us to eat whatever we wanted instead of paying us!"
"Well that was a stupid…Wait did you just say Uncle Bubba Jane?" Bobby remarked.
"Some of Blob's relatives have gender confusion issues," Lance told him.
"Too bad none of them have any confusion on how to use a fork," Rogue remarked.
"Okay you can call me fat all you want and my cousin Prissy cause she's the head of a Fat Pride organization," Fred glared. "But only half my relatives have a weight problem!"
"And the other half have a low brain cell count problem," Rogue quipped. "Looks like you got the worst of both worlds!"
"OKAY THAT'S IT!" Fred ripped the counter from the floor with his hands. Since it was bolted he took some of the floor with it.
"BRING IT ON BLOBBO!" Rogue shouted.
"NO! STOP IT! STOP! COME ON ROGUE KNOCK IT OFF!" X-Men and Brotherhood alike raced to stop the two from tearing up the set.
"Truce smuce! I wanna kick his butt!" Rogue shouted as she struggled against Kurt and Wanda's grip. "True it's an easy target…Not to mention the size of Rhode Island!"
"NIGHTCRAWLER GET HER OUT OF HERE!" Jean shouted. "I can't hold Blob with my powers much longer!"
"Okay Rogue! Time to go to your dressing room!" Kurt said. Wanda let go just in time for Kurt to teleport Rogue away.
"She provoked me! You saw it!" Fred shouted.
"Fred you get out of here too!" Lance shouted. "Go on a chicken and donut run or something!"
"I don't want chicken and donuts!" Fred grunted. "I want pizza and sushi!"
"Fine! Just go! We can take it from here!" Lance groaned. Fred reluctantly left what was left of the set. "Summers can't you control her?"
"Her? What about the Blob?" Scott snapped. "He's the one who…"
"Scott! Lance! Focus!" Jean shouted. "The purpose of this show is to keep us out of jail! Remember? Let's just go onto the next segment."
"What is the next segment?" Wanda asked. "I can't tell because Pyro burned our scripts."
"We had scripts?" Bobby asked.
"Like we were gonna read them anyway," Todd rolled his eyes.
"It's the cooking segment," Kitty said. "Something I've been looking forward to!"
"You and the good people at Poison Control," Todd quipped.
"Kitty don't take this the wrong way but we got a court order specifically to keep you at least fifty feet away from this segment," Pietro took out a piece of paper.
"What?" Kitty shouted. "This is like totally unfair! Scott!"
"Don't complain to me! Who do you think gave them the idea for the restraining order in the first place?" Scott snapped. "Move it!"
"Fine! Stupid show! Stupid unfair…" Kitty stormed off the set.
"And now the segment that probably sounded a lot better on the drawing board," Wanda sighed. "Cooking with Pyro and Iceman."
"Hello there mates!" Pyro said cheerfully in front of a kitchen set. "I'm Pyro and I'm here to teach you all how to make tasty treats!"
"And I'm Iceman and I'm here to keep Pyro from burning the set down," Bobby said.
"First up how to grill without a barbecue," Pyro took out a flamethrower. "All you got to do is…."
"NO!" Bobby immediately froze the flamethrower before Pyro turned it on.
"Fine you get the picture," Pyro sniffed. "A lot of people like their meat raw anyway. Next up is a lovely dessert I call banana flambé!"
"Don't even think about it!" Bobby growled.
"You really know how to take the fun out of this segment don't you?" Pyro gave him a look. "Microwave smores. Can I do that? Or is that on the no no list too?"
"Uh yeah, okay," Bobby relented. "You can do that. Just remember you can't turn on the…"
"I know, I know! I got the memo!" Pyro said. "I'm just gonna show them how to do this! Just take some graham crackers, some large marshmallows, chocolate squares. Most people use milk chocolate but I like dark chocolate because it's healthier for you. Got all those antioxidants! You stack them up like this! Put them in the microwave like this and then you turn it on for about thirty seconds."
"I can do that!" Kitty popped up and before anyone could stop her, she turned on the microwave.
"Kitty no! Don't touch that!" Lance shouted. "The wiring…"
BEEEP!
FOOOOOOOM!
"Isn't working…" Lance winced as the microwave caught on fire.
"Somebody didn't read the memo," Pyro snickered.
"Kitty ruining another meal," Todd quipped sarcastically. "Boy did that come out of left field!"
"You're gonna get a left hook if you don't shut up!" Kitty shouted.
"And here comes our first arson conviction…" Kurt sighed as the set started to catch on fire.
"HOW COME SHE CAN SET THE SET ON FIRE AND I CAN'T?" Pyro yelled. "THIS IS DISCRIMINATION! I'LL SHOW YOU!"
FOOOOOOOM! RARRRRRR!
"Oh goody," Wanda groaned as a giant fire dragon appeared. "Mister Flickers is back!"
"PYRO YOU MANIAC!" Bobby tried to put out the fire but this time it was harder than usual.
"Cyclops we have a problem!" Kurt teleported back and then saw the set was on fire. "All right we have two problems!"
"Two? What's the other…?" Scott began.
CRASH!
Fred went sailing through the other wall of the set. "I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH MY DONUTS!" Rogue shook her bare fist and displayed more of her stolen strength by throwing the couch at Fred.
"Oh right," Scott blinked.
"HA HA HA! GET 'EM MISTER FLICKERS! HA HA HA!"
"ROGUE I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T CALM DOWN I WILL KNOCK YOU OUT!" Jean tried to use her powers to restrain her team mate.
"How? By talking her to sleep?" Pietro quipped.
"YOU'RE NEXT QUICKSILVER!" Jean shouted as she chased after him. "YOU KNOW WHAT? ROGUE I'M WITH YOU! HELP ME KILL QUICKSILVER!"
"FINALLY! YOU SAID SOMETHING THAT MADE SENSE!" Rogue agreed.
"Why do I even hang around these people?" Wanda groaned. "Seriously? Why don't I just run off to another state or something?"
"Not even twenty minutes and the set's already destroyed," Todd looked at his watch. "This is a new record."
"Professor is this stupid truce over yet?" Scott shouted into the camera.
"If it's not it will be pretty soon," Lance remarked.
"Not soon enough!" Scott yelled.