Whee! This is my second story today.. :D -finally was able to get back on my computer to write this- I dun really have much to say, so.. enjoy I hope. ?
Written while listening to How To Be Dead by Snow Patrol. Just so you know :D
--
And she's sitting next to you, her hand brushing softly against yours, and the blanket's barely enough to cover you both and she can see her breath in the cold air while you stare down at the city below you. The stars are out and she's smiling and you're smiling and the steam vents spurt and boil over with life, onto the rusty old ceiling covered in a patchwork of metals, while the world below you goes on completely unaware.
She glances down and realizes just how much it would hurt to fall and squeals, holding onto you and snuggling her head into your neck. She'll never admit it, but she's just as scared of heights as you used to be, and you can't help but remember when you were both little. She used to pretend to be so brave and she'd let you hold her hand and you'd feel so much safer until you saw that her legs were shaking even more than yours.
It was strange really, when you thought about it. Strange, but sweet, just how much Sam cared about you. How much she'd always cared about you. It wasn't the same way that Freddie tried to care about you and how he was so obviously in love with you. No, it was so, so much better than that. He would bring you flowers and she would hold your hand when you were scared. She would be brave for you, and he would cry in front of you. Especially because it was somebody like her, who never really acted like they cared about anybody or anything (except ham.)
And you never really thought anything of it; never thought that it was anything except for Sam just caring about you. You always thought that it was just how she acted towards people that she really, really cared about. But now you're sitting here on this roof and running through everything that you've done together over the past five years and you can't help but wonder.
She's holding your hand now, and now you get to be the brave one. You're the one holding onto her and lacing your fingers together while you play with her hair, and you can see your breath and hers as the hit each other in the cold October air.
It's a Friday night and you blew off 3 different parties because you'd promised Sam could sleep over tonight and you're not mad at all about it. It's strange because you're so much happier here than you'd ever be at some stupid party getting wasted with a bunch of idiots who just want to hook up. All the stupid ugly jocks who offer you another beer and another and another until you're waking up in their bed wondering how the fuck you got there.
For a moment you wonder if you're an alien.
It's not that you're prude or something, because you're most definitely not. You just don't like sex. You don't like laying under some sweaty jock with a pimple on his nose who every girl swoons over because he plays football. You hate how he's breathing hard and moaning and you're just sitting there praying for it to be over. You hate how he moans hard and then cums and he gets so much pleasure and he's kissing you and you're just sitting there and you're sore and you just want to get your clothes so you can go home already.
You've never slept with a girl, but you know that you want to. You don't know if you're bi because you've just always been attracted to girls, or because you're so not attracted to guys, but you know that you're bi. Either you're bi or you're gay. No, you're not gay yet, because you still find some way to think about cocks at night when you're in your bed fingering yourself. That won't last that much longer though, you're certain of that.
No, it's not sex that you're chasing after--that's been thrust upon you and is readily available. You lay in bed every night wishing that you had somebody to love. Well, sure, you've had crushes. Who hasn't, honestly? But you wish that you could just fall head over heels for somebody and have them care about you, too. Even if they didn't, you just wished that there was somebody you could sit around and think about and write about and fantasize about for days on end. You wouldn't have to go out or see your friends to be happy cause you'd have your photographs and your imagination and the sweet dream that you had the night before.
Okay, fine, you're a hopeless romantic. It's not like you can deny it or something. God, this is why you never let yourself be by yourself for too long. You get all sad because you're alone and then you start to think about all the most random people and you wish that they would love you just to have somebody love you.
"Sam..?" You ask softly, looking down at her. She rolls over so that she's facing up at you and you can't believe how sweet she looks when she's scared. She's shaking and you just hold her closer to you so that you can feel her heart beating against yours. And you're having one of your moments where you just want to sit there and cry and cry and never stop because something's wrong and something hurts but you have no idea why or what it is. So you sit there and Sam's sitting in your lap now and your chin's on her shoulder, her arms around your back, her breath soft on your bare skin and you're holding her so tight and just trying not to cry.
Her voice comes out softer than yours, and it's shaking and she's shaking against you, but she sounds so sweet and vulnerable like this and you love what it does to you. "U..uhm.. c..can we go back inside now?" She's given up even trying to be brave. It's so sweet and cute and you just wish that you could hug her for hours.
Part of you wants to say that no, we can't go back inside now. Because when you go back inside she's just going to be strong and funny and she'll be the girl who never takes anything seriously again. Yeah, you love that. That's what you love so much about her, but you love when she's like this. You love when you're allowed to be strong and when you're allowed to take care of her.
"Yeah.. sure." You say, grinning at her and pulling her up. You hold her hand and she holds yours and you tiptoe back to the stairwell.
--
She's sprawled over you on the couch, her hair all over your legs and your arms and hers all tangled up as you read to her from the book you're holding open with a single hand, the other laced with hers. You're sitting up and she's laying down, her eyes half closed as she smiles. She absolutely refuses to read (she claims that she can't.) but she always talks you into reading books to her, which you think is probably the cutest thing in the world. She's smiling and you're smiling back even as you talk, and you wonder if you really can tell if a person's smiling or not just by the tone of their voice.
She gets up suddenly, eyes wide open now, and she looks at you for a moment, hair messy but somehow just adding to her perfection. You look at her and she's still looking back at you, until she pushes a piece of your hair behind your ear and smiles, kissing you on the cheek.
It's strange, the feeling that jolts vaguely through your body--it feels tired, as though you nervous system can't even be bothered to issue that jolt anymore, but your brain's still telling it to so it does. And it's unbelievable how much stronger some things are when you're tired; when you're barely aware of what's happening anymore and the smallest actions mean so much to you. When you'll cry over the littlest things or sit and smile until you fall asleep.
What's stranger is that she's too tired to even try to be crazy or funny or like the normal Sam in any way, shape or form. At least, that's what you figure it is. Maybe you're just special and this is how she is on the inside and she trusts you enough to let you in far enough to show you.
You turn to smile at her, but she's already back in your lap, fast asleep. She's curled up in a ball so her bare thighs are pressed up against yours and you can feel her shivering as you start to doze off. You're holding her like you always dream about and you're pulling a blanket over her and she's falling away from you in your sleep but your arms pull her back onto you, the blanket covering both of you, as you snuggle into a pillow and fall asleep.
God, she's so warm and soft and you wish that you could fall asleep with Sam on top of you every single night.
--
Spencer wakes you up the next morning by putting a plate of bacon on the table beside the couch and just walking away. Sam's up within five minutes, and she's shaking you awake squealing, "Carly, there's bacon! There's bacon and it's warm and it's like magic Carly, magic! Because it wasn't there last night but now it is!"
God, she is so irresistible. You're looking up at her and amazingly enough she hasn't gotten off of you yet, so you're laying on your couch with Sam on top of you. Which isn't really that big of a deal, but you can't get over it. She's soft and warm and sweet and smells a bit fruity and she's looking down at you and smiling and you wish that she would love you. Crap, it's the hopeless romantic. But it's true. You wish that she would love you and she would kiss you goodnight every night instead of just when she was exhausted and nearly delirious.
But then she's getting off of you and you're feeling your heart drooping and your fingers grope the pages of the book that fell on the floor after you fell asleep. She's sitting on the edge of the couch and you're still laying there under the blanket and the strangest silence falls over the room. It creeps up on you and falls like snow. You don't even realize it's there but it's there and it's soft and magical because it's this moment of understanding between you and Sam. And her hand's finding yours and she's holding it in hers and she's picking it up and she's kissing it, and you can feel your cheeks burning, but you try not to let her see. You don't want her to know just how much power she has over you.
And then it's over and she's ripping into pieces of bacon and squealing about how amazing it is and about how much she absolutely loves pork and meat and just food in general.
You just sit there and think about how much you wish she'd add that she loves you, too. More than all the pork and meat and food in the whole world. Your fingers grasp the cover and you tug it up from underneath the couch, pulling it onto your chest. The yellow pages are curling from all the times you've read it but the cover still reads easily, "Romeo and Juliet"
She let you read her Shakespeare.
--
Fine, maybe you're falling for her. How could you not though, honestly? She's sweet and fun and funny and smarter than she'll let on. And you're the only one that she'll be gentle and fragile around. You're special to her, and you love how that makes you feel. You're something amazing and important and she trusts you and she believes in you.
She loves you.
It's like what you sit around dreaming about. How could you never notice it before? You've been waiting for this amazing love story to bloom but it's been right here with you the whole time. It's right here and she's right here and she's never been anywhere else but you've been too oblivious to notice it.
You're laying back in your bed and smiling softly, completely lost in this amazing new fantasy and this new possibility. And then you're bucking your hips into the air and your hand's down your sweatpants and the other's cupping your breast and fuck. Fuck fucking fuck.
All you can think about is her.
You're laying there moaning her name softly and you're wishing she was here with you and that you could fuck her and she would fuck you and then she'd tell you that she loves you and you'd smile and kiss her and she'd say that she loves you too.
You can't stop thinking about her. She's the only thing going through your mind.
And then you're rolling over and you're hugging a pillow and you're crying. You're crying and you're crying and you can't stop and you can't even fully grasp why but you just know that you are. You know why. It's because you know that she'll never love you the way you want her to. She's too good for you. She's perfect and untouchable and nobody's ever had her before, and you spend your time partying and you can't count on both hands how many guys you've slept with. You hand yourself out like candy and they take you like children and you shouldn't even be allowed near somebody like her because she deserves so much better than that.
But god. You want to be with her.
--
Her lips are against yours and your body's pressed against her and the locker next to yours on the empty fourth floor. Her hands hold yours and she's just barely grinding against you. She was scared and gentle and it was barely a kiss at first but then you grabbed her and pulled her to you and kissed her back.
But it was short. God, why did it have to be so short? "Carly.." Is all she says at first, and that's all she needs to say. She has your full attention and all of your heart and you'll do anything she asks of you. You belong to her completely and it's amazing really, how much control she has over you.
The first thing you notice is that her eyes are swollen and bloodshot. That's the only thing you look at. She's been crying. She's been crying and oh god, who hurt her? Why was she crying? You're going to keep her save and nobody makes your Sam cry, nobody.
"Are you going out with Mark on Friday?" She blurts, looking at you as though begging for it not to be true.
But it is, and you can't lie to her. You didn't want to even bother trying because she would never, never like you. Never. Not a chance in the world, so you just said yes to the first person who asked. Throwing yourself back into the parties and the booze and sleeping with anybody who asked for it. It was your way of masking the pain, and it worked well enough.
"I.. I.. uhm.." That's all you can say while your heart sits there and actually, truly hurts you as you watch her crumble and fall apart. No, no, no no. This isn't what you wanted. This isn't how you wanted it to be at all. You didn't want to hurt her but you didn't even think that you would because she could never like somebody like you.
Stupid.
You're so stupid. You're so so so so stupid. Of course she likes you. Of course she loves you. She's always loved you, you idiot. Why couldn't you ever see that? She's always cared too much to be just your friend, no matter how long you've known her or how close you guys are. Why couldn't you see that? Why? Why why why Carly, why? What if you just can't fix it anymore, because you've hurt her and now she'll be too scared to be with you at all?
You never wanted to hurt her. You wanted her to be happy and you wanted to see her smile and you thought that that could never happen if you just went ahead and told her how hard you're falling for her.
"Because I like you." She says simply, her voice soft and you know for sure now just how much you've hurt her. She always ignored everything she heard about you and who you did at what party but that was when you'd drifted apart and this was now. This was when you belonged to each other because you were best friends again and you were sober and you weren't sleeping around. And you just broke her. Sam isn't supposed to ever break, ever. No matter what happens she's always stayed strong for you and she's never really been truly sad in front of you, ever, but now she's standing here and you've never seen somebody as hurt as you're seeing her right now.
You just look at her and she looks back at you and she's biting her lip and oh my god, no, don't cry. Don't cry, don't cry. You can't take watching her cry. This is bad enough, please don't cry Sam. But she's starting to again; you can see the tears welling up in those gorgeous eyes of her and no, you can't see her like this.
And you're pulling your hands away from hers and she thinks that you're trying to run away, so she holds your arms even tighter and pushes you against the lockers again, and you're trying to get out of her grasps and she's crying now and she's staring at you and you can't take looking at her like this.
Your arm's free and she's slamming you against the lockers and oh god, just stop crying, you're begging, but she's just crying harder and harder and harder.
You're grabbing at her head and she's shouting at you not to touch her, you stupid slut, but you're pulling her towards you and your lips are on hers and you're kissing her. You're kissing her hard and you can taste her salty tears and you just want to kiss her until she stops crying. You want to kiss her until she stops hurting and until you can taste her smile and she's holding you and you're smiling too.
She's realizing everything now, you think, and she's kissing you back. She's kissing you back and this isn't how you planned for it to happen but it's happening and she's tugging on your lip with her teeth between involuntary sobs and you just wish that she would never have to hurt again.
Her tongue's against yours and you're holding her close and you can feel your body heating up and it's changing from a moment of weakness to just a hot makeout and she can tell and she's sliding her hands down your sides and god, how does she do this to you? And you're pushing your hips against hers and your arms are still around her neck, holding her to you, as though you're afraid she'll leave if you don't.
You feel something cool under your fingertips and it's the chain to the necklace that you gave her for her birthday last year and you've never seen her without it, and you wonder vaguely if she wears it at night and thinks about you before she falls asleep.
Sam's taking your hand in hers now and she's pulling you towards the empty locker room and you're following, amazed that you're so aroused and still able to walk like a normal human being. She's pulling open the door and you can hear the click of somebody's shoes in the hallway you were just in as she pushes you up against the wall of gym lockers and your shirt's off before you even realize that her hands were touching your bare skin, her lips on your neck and oh god, it feels so good when she bites it like that, so you tell her and she does it again, harder.
Somehow, you guess you got her shirt off too because you can feel her bra and her skin pressing up against you and it feels exponentially better than all the times you've hugged her with clothes on and felt her pressing against you.
You're moaning her name and she smiles, unclipping your bra and rubbing a nipple between two of her fingers, and you're moaning louder now and for a moment you hope that you don't get caught, but then you're lost again.
Christ, this was never in any of the "Carly, I love you!" fantasies but you're loving it this way.
She's taking your other nipple into her mouth, her tongue flicking against it and you shiver, and you realize that it's never been even half as good as this with a guy. Her hand's wandering down into your skirt and normally you would've stopping and asked for more foreplay but you're so fucking wet and it's amazing.
She's just got a single finger on you but she found your clit already and jesus christ, that feels so fucking good. Christ, she's a virgin, you're remembering, and then you're wondering how the hell she got so fucking good if she's never done anybody before.
--
You're laying next to her in your bed and she's smiling and you're smiling back at her. You're holding her hand and she scoots closer to you, kissing you and then grinning and she's whispering, "Goodnight." and she's snuggling into your neck, pulling your arm around her while she breathes on you, and you can still feel yourself getting goosebumps and your heart's beating faster because you're still so scared that you're going to do something wrong.
She's so soft and warm and she's yours. She's all yours.
She tilts her head up at you again for a moment, and her hair's tickling your chin, and she asks, "Can we finish that Smakesphere thing tomorrow?"
It's all you can do not to laugh. "Sure."
And then she's smiling and she's back where she was and she's already fast asleep and she's hugging you and oh god, she's so sweet. You still can't get over just how different she is when she's with you, and it's amazing and adorable and..
And now she's all yours. She's yours. She's yours.
You kiss the top of her head and wrap your arms back around her, and you fall asleep smiling.
--
Oh.. wow. o.o I wasn't expecting this to be so long.. Or have sex. XD God.. How'd it get to be 3 AM?! O.O Jeez. I started writing this at like.. 12:30. ..Wow.
Errr.. Sorry if you hate teh sexyness.. D: I've never written a sex scene before.. -nervous laughter- Uhmm.. God.. I don't even remember half of what I just wrote. o.o That's crazy. It just like.. came out, you know?
Uhm.. leave a review I guess?
I hope you didn't have to like.. kill yourself from the suckishness XD D: