Disclaimer: Still don't own Gundam Wing… damn…

Pairings: One sided R+1, implied 1x2, a mention of 6x9 and one more pairing I will not reveal until the end of the fic ;)

Warnings: Relena POV, implied yaoi and a teeny tiny hint of a sexual situation, some hints of angst, some sappness

A/N: Umm… where did this fic come from? I think mainly the song as if you look at the lyrics they fit Relena to me oh so perfectly plus I don't Relena bash and wanted to create a sympathetic character study of her. It was also the fact I have never had the opportunity to explore the sibling relationship between the Peacecraft's so yeah, this is a little bit of a departure from me.

Dedicated to my beta ELLE for her usual awesomeness and her super quick turnaround time – plus her love for the unnamed pairing ;)

Inspired by the song Afterman by Coheed and Cambria.

The After Man

The staff was wary around me as they placed breakfast down in the large sunroom situated at the back of the rebuilt and remodelled Sanc Royal Palace. I had not been out of bed for some weeks since my discharge from an L2 cluster hospital and the subsequent return to earth. They all looked more than a little concerned for my welfare.

I tried to make them at ease, smiling warmly at the familiar faces but still, I felt their worry. It irked me. I had been ill – I was not dying – and they were treating me with kid gloves. I could not stay in bed any longer, I was not an invalid and since I finally felt able to move around the large palace that I called home without the world spinning, I would do so.

It also meant I was not in bed when my guests arrived. I did not intend to be resting when my visitors appeared so I dressed myself in a comfortable skirt that slid slightly off my hips due to the recent weight loss from my illness and a blouse and descended the stairs.

A spread of breakfast pastries were in front of me, various jams and honey, a few small pots of different teas and a carafe of coffee – I wanted to laugh at the overabundance of items on the table as I selected a freshly baked cinnamon roll and picked it to pieces with my fingers. I had barely eaten in the weeks since collapsing on L2-X2311 and I felt that the staff was over compensating for this with the amount of food placed in front of me.

It had been nearly five weeks since the moment – since I felt the heat and sweeping nausea that resulted with me finding myself on the floor of an auditorium and then a few weeks of hazy memories involving white rooms and concerned faces hovering over me. It was two weeks that I slipped in and out of consciousness while a virus ripped through my system and then I convalesced in the finest hospital in the L2 cluster until I was deemed strong enough to travel and return to home and earth.

Unfortunately, the journey and the stress of re-entry into the atmosphere resulted in a relapse of my condition and I spent more time confined to bed – though this time in my own home, with my own personal physician and attending nurses. I was told I had been too stubborn and impetuous for returning to earth when I was not entirely fit to do so but I had often been told I was stubborn and problematic. This has been told to me by men who were many years superior in age as they felt they could talk down to a twenty three year old woman. However, they often learnt that I was more than able to stand up for myself and I felt my stubbornness was not a bad quality. Indeed, it was a quality I needed in order to be heard and considered as a serious politician rather than thought to be merely a figurehead or a pretty girl who said pretty things about peace.

I picked a bite of the cinnamon roll, the sugary treat still seeming tasteless and unpleasant in my mouth despite being freshly baked and made with care. The waves of nausea may have decreased but I had not regained my appetite. I wanted to scowl at my own torturous body. I have become very aware that I am not a good patient. My body's weakness had been irritating and I have rebelled against doctor's orders on numerous occasions.

I poured black coffee from the carafe and added cream and sugar, stirred and looked deep into it, losing myself in it a moment. My reverie was only broken by Pagan. He was starting to stoop in his old age and I sometimes wished he would take the offer of retirement – he would be well cared for after all these years of service to myself and my family – but he refused. I considered that he would not know where to go if he did not reside with me. He had no children of his own – no grandchildren – so I was as near to family as he would ever have. It saddened me on occasion and made me understand his intention to continue to serve myself as long as he was able.

"Miss Relena, your brother and niece have arrived."

"Show them in, Pagan," I said with a smile.

He departed with a bow and went to retrieve my guests. Usually the sight of my brother was not necessarily one I welcomed. To say that we clash would be an understatement. Indeed, it seems a part of our make up as siblings is a war of words that we both enjoy. Perhaps we both take a perverse pride in knowing that the only other person in the world who can compete with our verbal prowess is linked by blood.

In my recent illness, he had shown himself at times to be an overbearing presence – getting angry with doctors on my behalf and lecturing me for trying to push my barely healed body. I had come to both loath and look forward to his visits that coincided with his availability due to his work within the Preventers.

This, though, was the first time he had brought my beloved niece to visit, knowing to see me as I had been, barely able to raise a hand, would've upset her. Pagan returned, followed by Milliardo whose height seemed more impressive against the stooping figure of the elderly man, and his hand rested gently on the shoulder of his blonde haired daughter.

"Brother," I said in greeting, "may I speak with you alone before I spend time with my beautiful niece?"

I could see a flicker of something across his blue eyes but he nodded in acquiescence. "Of course."

"I shall take Miss Ceria to visit the groundskeeper's dog," Pagan said, offering his arm to Ceria which she accepted as she had been taught to. "She has recently had puppies."

This caused an excited squeal from Ceria who looked askance at her father, silently asking for permission.

"Go ahead."

A few moments later they were leaving the sunroom, Pagan already regaling the story of the puppies and the trouble they had gotten themselves into. I felt like shaking my head at the tale, knowing its exaggeration, my own fondness for his tales as a child filling my head as my eyes returned to Milliardo.

He looked reluctant to join me for a second. I felt he perhaps wanted to use Ceria as a distraction from what I wanted to discuss but my brother could never be accused of cowardice. He could be accused of a many number of things and he had made many mistakes over the years, however, he was not one for stepping away from a confrontation. Milliardo walked over, leaned to kiss my cheek gently in greeting, and then took a seat beside me.

"You look better."

I knew he was only doing the decent thing – I did not look better but I am at least dressed and my make-up covers some of my paleness and the dark circles around my eyes. My hand darted to my skirt, tugging at it and trying to flatten out a small crease rather than meet his scrutinising glance. My brother, the gentleman, charms when he wants.

"I wish I felt better."

He sighed and looked over to the spread of food and hot drinks on the table in front of me. "I see the staff has overreacted to your apparent return to health," he said, an expression that could only be described as a smirk upon his features. "This reminds me why I abdicated my royal title."

I wanted to remind him that his actions during the war effectively made his abdication a formality and he would never have had any right or claim to the Peacecraft throne after his actions aboard Libra but I did not raise this. It was not the moment for that particular heated conversation.

"Help yourself, brother," I said.

"No, thank you. I trust you are eating, Relena?"

"I am trying," I answered, picking up another small bit of cinnamon roll and chewing slowly. He did not press any further.

I took a sip of my coffee that had already started to cool and he observed every small movement. My hands did not shake under his scrutiny. I was no longer that weak. I really wanted to impress on him that I was in recovery and no longer ill but I could feel myself faltering under his gaze. His ice blue eyes saw through everything.

"Did you speak to Chang?" I asked, suddenly unable to tiptoe around the subject that was pertinent and had haunted me during my recovery.

"He denies all knowledge."

"He must know. I can't imagine them not informing their old allies of their intentions. Try again, I beg you."

I could hear the pleading tone in my voice. It made me sound girlish rather than the young woman I'd become.

"If Chang does not wish to speak, I am unlikely to achieve anything."

"You have regular contact with him – with Ceria's lessons –"

Milliardo spoke with some frustration. "He may know but I would think he would rather die than betray their confidences."

I flinched slightly at the aggressive nature of his tone and he looked apologetic for the way he had spoken to me. It was a reminder of the soldier my brother had been, the violence in which he was well versed, the blood on his hands.

"I apologise."

"No need," I said, finally, turning my gaze towards the gardens.

"You have tried Winner, I assume?"

I laughed lightly. "Of course, he calls regularly since my collapse."

It was expected. Quatre was indeed a dear friend, the only person who seemed to understand the glaring spotlight – he had sent regular bouquets of flowers to brighten up the dull white wards on L2 and since my return to earth, my room. I understood that he probably did not pick them himself – that he probably had an assistant do such a minor task – but it was the thought and consideration that I appreciated.

Quatre's eyes had looked sad on the videoscreen when I had asked the question. For me or for them I was unsure. Maybe for himself. He swore he knew nothing and that he was as hurt by the sudden disappearance and the awful circumstances that had brought about it. In my sick and weakened state, I did not protest or press further but I did feel that perhaps he did not tell me everything he knew.

He reached out to touch my hand to regain my attention. "I feel it is time you gave up on Heero."

I could not stop the frown from crossing my face. He had tried to be gentle with his words but I could not help the ice cold stab that went through my heart.

"I have given up on Heero. I know he and Duo are…" I drifted off, unsure of how to end the sentence. I did not know how to phrase it. I understood they were involved. I understood and was not naïve of the fact that they had sex together. Yet I did not know if that meant they were defined as lovers, boyfriends or merely in some form of mutually beneficial arrangment. Though, that last thought was somewhat unfair – I believed they were in love even if few others did so. "I just need to know where he is. That he is alive and that maybe he is happy."

My fingers tapped idly against the crisp white table cloth and my eyes avoided cold blue eyes to stare out at the grounds as I remembered my seventeen year old self. I may have been naïve at first, certain in my own mind that Heero came to me after the war out of an affection that was more than friendly concern. I felt I could still remember how his firm grip held me as we waltzed – how his hand on my shoulder felt, the one carefully tucked around my waist, those hands that had committed such violence but could be so entirely gentle. I felt I could still remember how his cold unresponsive lips felt against my own as I leaned forward and pressed mine to his. It was the folly of youth. I am aware of that now. An impetuous girl who had been given everything she ever wanted in life and perhaps I misinterpreted the fact that his belief in peace, in the world he fought for, meant that he just wanted to protect me. It was not out of love. So the moment that I kissed him, he moved back from me, startled, and said my name like he always did – the way that sent shivers up my spine.

"Relena…"

I blustered my apology at his rejection. I believe he said something about being sorry but he had feelings for someone else. A prospect that had confused me to some degree. I wasn't aware of a time he could've acquired "feelings" for someone else. He had been my head of security for over a year at this point and he took no vacation. He lived in the palace. I would've been aware if he was entertaining and I couldn't comprehend another opportunity in his life prior to this that he may have had the pleasure of female company that could lead to "feelings". My own girlishness and the sheltered nature of my early life did not contemplate that the "she" would be a "he." I had never considered it would be Duo Maxwell.

It was only weeks after that kiss that I became truly aware of my mistake. It was a formal event and extra Preventer security had been requested. I had not been surprised to find Duo among their number and one of the leaders of the team. Indeed, it heartened me. He had always been good company for Heero, that lively disposition – though at times crude – was Heero's opposite and while Heero could be entirely unsociable to most people, for Duo he somehow bent. I found I had come to enjoy his company at these times despite him varying between calling me "Queen of the World" and "Princess" – despite me holding neither title.

During the event, stifled by the questions of stuffy men, I stepped out onto one of the balconies that overlooked the grounds and took deep breaths to calm my rapidly beating heart. So often I was patronised. So often those men thought I could be pressured into capitulating to their desires. So often I refused to do so. It was then I glanced downwards and saw something that took the breath from my lungs and made my stomach drop. If I had not seen it, at the tender age of seventeen, I would not have believed it.

Heero was dressed formally in a black suit which he wore for any official engagement. It was one I had selected for him, tailored specifically to his frame so that fit him perfectly as every point of his lean muscled body. I could see, standing underneath the arbour, that he was with someone and it did not take a moment to recognise that familiar braid. Duo was in a Preventer uniform though what would be referred to as the "dress" uniform of the organisation. They were standing close, closer than Heero would usually let someone into his personal space and I could tell they were talking. They both seemed oddly suspicious, occasional glances around the garden and I felt that it seemed a little bit of an overreaction. What would anyone say to two former war comrades talking? It would be normal. Then I saw the reason for caution. One of Heero's hands brushed Duo's face in a gesture that confused me as first until I saw his head lean and their lips meet. At first, I felt I had not seen correctly, that it was an impossible occurrence and my brain had somehow perverted this innocent conversation between two friends and made it into something more salacious. Yet, I continued watching as hands roamed and I realised not only that were kissing each other but due to the intensity of such a kiss, I now could ascertain this was who Heero had feelings for.

I now realised many things I had not seen so suddenly that they seemed to flash before my closed eyelids. That Duo was always among additional Preventer security. That Heero's eyes seemed to almost lighten at the sight of the braided man. That Heero allowed Duo to touch him, hand on a shoulder, a poke to the ribs and a brief meeting of hands. It was clear to me now those reasons as I glanced back towards the garden to see the kiss had ceased and they were now talking to each other somewhat earnestly. Despite feeling a sickness in my stomach I did not stop watching as they walked further into the garden, to the shading of the arbour to a bench where I would sit at times reading reports and enjoying a fine summer's day. It took a moment for me to realise what would happen next which I blame entirely on my upbringing. Of course, girls talk and I was aware of certain things that happened between a man and a woman. Yet due to the extreme nature of my position, my own experiences of a sexual nature were the occasional fumbles with boys of rich politicians in my teens prior to becoming Vice Foreign Minister. I had not had time since then to indulge in that behaviour and indeed, I had hoped that Heero would one day want me so I had my heart set on that eventuality.

So when Heero sat on the bench and Duo slid in between his knees, kneeling on the soft grass, I felt a blush rise to my cheeks and this was when I finally decided I could see no more – fully aware of what would happen next. I turned back towards the house, flustered, and found solace in the bathroom, taking deep breaths and trying to remove the thoughts that had now surfaced in my head.

A cough brought me out of that memory. I was aware that Milliardo was trying to be subtle about my lack of attention and allowed me some moments to collect my thoughts. Despite stating he would not eat any of the food on the laden table, he decided to pour himself coffee with steadier hands than I had at this moment. I folded them in my lap to avoid his careful scrutiny.

"Relena, they were both Gundam pilots," he began gently. More gentle than any conversation we had ever had. "They are alive. They have just decided to disappear. You can understand with the circumstances that led to this."

I knew the circumstances. Duo was an active Preventer and on occasion, during those visits with him arriving in that uniform, I felt a small hint of regret in Heero. That I held him back, that indeed, if he was free, he would've joined the Preventers with Duo if he didn't feel like he had an imagined obligation to me. I also knew that Duo had been gravely injured. The day that I woke to find Heero was gone was one that seemed to rock me harder than any day since the wars. Since my father's death. He had been my constant, those blue eyes that had become kinder, less harsh over the years watching over me, those calloused hands protecting me, that smooth assured voice that spoke with such confidence and surety that he made me believe in the peace I spoke about. If a boy raised in violence could believe in the peace I spoke of then I could too.

He had left a crisp white envelope on my bedside. I frowned at it at first yet rapidly came to the conclusion that there was only one person who would have the ability to sneak into my room in the middle of the night – and that was Heero Yuy. My staff has heavy footfalls. Heero can be entirely silent when necessary.

I have read that note many times since he departed as it is the only solid thing I have of him since he left apart from a teddy bear whose blank eyes look at me inscrutably from a chair in my bedroom. It was brief, to the point, a letter of resignation and to inform me he had to go. That Duo was injured and the chances of survival had been calculated as minimal. Indeed, no one told me the full circumstances for some time. No one told me that Duo had been tortured. No one told me he had been extracted by a Preventer team minutes from death. No had told me that he spent three weeks comatose with Heero in a vigil by his bedside.

If I had known… I blinked and felt a slight moisture in my eyes which I brushed away hastily with a swipe of my hand. If I had known, maybe I would've been those eyes watching over him, those hands to hold him up and that voice to reassure him. It still hurt me to imagine how he felt – there, sitting beside the man he loved wondering if he would live or die. Yet, I was always so sheltered – it was deemed inappropriate information for me. I was not to know the ugly world we still lived in. That splinter cells and rebellions and terrorist groups were still as active and men like Duo Maxwell spent their days fighting them and almost being killed by them. It still sickened me.

It was only after my own illness, my own virus, my fall that was broadcast to the entire earth sphere that I discovered that Duo was alive. It was then I also discovered he had been in recovery until one day he was no longer in the hospital bed. A note had been left with his resignation and then they had both disappeared.

In my semi lucid state during the first few weeks of the virus, I imagined I saw Heero. I imagined that Duo was with him – my brain providing the image of how he would look after the extreme circumstances his body had gone through – nose a little off kilter, bruising, a deep scar across one cheek – and I felt a firm hand against my jaw followed by a subtle brush of lips against my cheek. I blamed the half memory entirely on the virus raging through my body but then sometimes it felt all too real. Even the murmured words seemed to resonate.

"Goodbye, Relena."

I could not decide if my memories had merged. Remembering him saying that when he pointed a gun at me but this time it was so… kind that it had to be present Heero. Not the boy he had been.

I frowned and looked up at Milliardo taking a sip of his coffee calmly. "You have contacted Barton?"

"I did everything you asked, sister, but all three of them are claiming no knowledge. I even contacted the Schbeiker girl, Howard and Sally Po but none of them know where they have gone." He put his coffee cup down and leaned towards me. "I think you have to respect his decision, Relena. Duo nearly died. I cannot blame them for wanting to disappear from this world and find their own peace. Can you?"

The question resonated. I could not blame Heero for leaving me. He had always been there for me yet he was never truly happy in his role. I always felt that I had put him inside a gilded cage and that he needed to be free from it and go to where he belonged. And that was with Duo. I could accept that. Maybe his peace was not protecting me but in the arms of a man who had done the same deeds and fought and bled for this world. For this peace.

"No. I just wish he would let me know where he was."

"I'm sure one day he will. They just need time."

The solemn conversation was stalled when the sound of both an excited Ceria and an excited puppy filled the air. Pagan was following Ceria who was currently holding a small brown wriggling animal trying to jump from her arms. I think Milliardo suddenly realised his mistake of visiting as now his daughter was entirely in love with the small pup and that would mean he would be taking it home. He gave me a half-hearted glare and I decided a small demure shrug was the required response.

"I will leave you for your aunt/niece time," he said, rising to his feet as I did the same. He lightly kissed my forehead and then walked to his daughter patting her on the shoulder gently and kissing her too. "Please be good for your aunt and Pagan and if you are… we shall discuss the puppy when I return."

I could never deny that my brother was a clever man as this promise would guarantee good behaviour. I believe I could convince her to eat something more than the supply of cakes and treats that the kitchen produced if the puppy was in the bargain.

"Shall we play in the garden?" I asked and got an enthusiastic response. "Pagan, you and Ceria go outside and I'll join you once I've shown my brother out."

Pagan didn't protest despite it being his duty to see Milliardo out and he went through the large doors at the back of the sunroom, opening them to the gardens as I walked the short distance to the main hallway of the palace. I knew Pagan would enjoy any opportunity to spend time with the youngest Peacecraft.

We didn't speak until we arrived at the doorway. He looked at me closely. "Relena… you need to find your after man."

I blinked slightly at the odd phrasing. "After man?"

"The man after Heero. The one who can love you in return."

I wanted to say something about the intense pressure that surrounded me on a daily basis. How I barely saw anyone my own age as I dealt with old politicians. That I did not regularly get opportunities to mix with someone who make a potential suitor for me, never mind a potential partner, never mind someone I could love. Those protests died on my lips as he hugged me and left, leaving me standing in the hall for a few moments before I composed myself enough to find Ceria, Pagan and the puppy in the garden.

Finally, I sat on the bench in the arbour, smiled and watched Ceria run after the puppy – amused by her tomboyishness despite the pretty dress she wore. Milliardo knew my opinion that he and Lucrezia occasionally forget they have a girl and that at times she needed to dress up and be a Princess rather than a soldier but as she tumbled around on the grass with the puppy, all I could do was smile.

My after man. The man after Heero. I thought briefly that no man could compare with him in my heart. Yes, I had given up on a romantic relationship when I saw that kiss in this spot and then Duo sliding between his legs but I still loved him dearly as a friend. And few men could compare to that. The Heero Yuy sized shadow was one that would be difficult to live up to.

I thought on this, watching the fun before me and shouting encouragement to Ceria until a staff member approached swiftly across the garden.

"There is a videocall from Mr. Winner."

"I'm just going to take a call," I informed Ceria, "keep playing!"

A few moments later I sat at the desk in my office on the first floor of the palace. It had been some time since I had stepped in here but it reminded me I was ready for work again after the respite of my illness.

"Quatre," I said warmly on sitting down in front of the screen and observing his expression.

"You look well, Relena."

It was then I realised I blushed ever so slightly at his compliment. "Thank you, as always, you are too kind."

"Did you receive the latest flowers?"

I nodded, surprised that he was aware of the latest bouquet. "They were beautiful."

"Next time I would like to be able to give you them in person. I am travelling through Sanc next week if you have the time."

Suddenly, I realised something I had been ever so naïve of. In all my years of my heart belonging to Heero, I had ignored the friendly conversations that I had with Quatre. That we often confided in one another in long videocalls that were not just about business. It hit me in a sudden fit of clarity that I liked Quatre. Yes, as a friend, but also as potentially more.

"Would you go to dinner with me?" I blurted out then almost felt like slapping my hand to my mouth.

"Dinner?" he said quizzically and I wondered whether I had overstepped a boundary. "I could make reservations at the private room at La Grillade for Thursday. 8.00 pm?"

"Yes, that fits into my schedule."

I almost wanted to hit myself as I had no current schedule and felt a faint blush grace my cheeks.

"Good. I will look forward to it, Relena."

"And I will too, Quatre."

We disconnected the call and I slumped back into my office chair, smiling and twirling some hair around my finger. I had to accept that Heero was gone and he belonged with Duo wherever that was but that did not seem as awful a thought all of a sudden. Maybe I had found my after man.

And maybe, just maybe, he was Quatre Raberba Winner.