-Drift-

-Pezberry Oneshot-

The cigarette burns away between her fingertips, she inhales death. She could care less about how much time she has to live, the sooner its over, the better. Everything around her is a wreck, broken liquor bottles form a sea. She can only remember the time she consumed the bottle sitting beside her, as it consumed her. The night with Rachel, an empty movie theater room and the feelings that she left unsaid roaming between them. She remembers the spark she felt when Rachels fingers glided across her hand. It was only an innocent accident but to Santana, it was too much. Too much to be so close to her without touching her. She was breaking apart so quietly in front of her.

It was only when Rachel fell asleep on her shoulder that she whispered.

"I love you"

Even though Rachel couldn't hear her, it still help Santana make it through the rest of the night. She wanted to wake her with a kiss and just before she worked up the courage Rachel rubbed her eyes awake. The first time Santana ever got to see Rachel wake up to her, the only time she ever got to see that kind of beauty.

"Sorry San if I caused you any kind of discomfort."

"You didn't, I promise."

Santana promised Rachel a lot of things, and she always kept those promises especially when they were dear to Rachel. Even if it hurt herself, she didn't mind feeling pain for her and she still doesn't. Maybe that's why tomorrow she will be going to see the girl of her dreams marry Quinn. Quinn, one of her dearest best friends I guess that is what hurts her the most. Quinn knew, she knew Santana loves Rachel since they were all kids but still she took her away. All Quinn could say to her through the phone was...

"I'm so sorry"

It didn't settle anything in Santana's heart, she fell out of order like she had been doing everyday she didn't have Rachel. Maybe if Rachel knew how she felt this whole time, she would have stopped the pain but its too late to go back, and she regrets it so much that it strangles her.

Rachel is so happy though isn't that all that Santana wanted. Yes but she just wanted Rachel to be happy with her. Santana knows deep down she could have made her happy she knows that she loves her more than Quinn. Even though it has broken her apart, she doesn't want to ruin what they have.

She looks back to the conversation she had with Rachel when she found out about the wedding, a month ago. There is a broken bottle for that too.

"Santana you know you are special to me right?"

"Well I would hope so"

"That is why you are going to be the first to know."

"First to know what?"

"Me and Quinn are getting married, don't tell anyone yet its a surprise."

"I won't"

"You promise"

"Yes I promise" Santana wanted to cry for the first time in her life and she swore, no she felt her heart crack but nothing leaked out. She held it inside for the sake of Rachels happiness not her own. Santana kept it inside like she said she would and a week later everyone knew about the engagement.

"I appreciate you not telling anyone thank you Santana. I love you."

"I love you too."

Santana needed something to get rid of the agony that was filling her, and she found a temporary cure at a party Brittany took her to. Santana never would admit but she was a very lonely person all she had was Rachel and Brittany but rarely Quinn. Everyone else could care so much less about her. Santana didn't care about them though, only Rachel and Brittany. At the party a stranger handed her a cup, Santana drunk it without knowing what it was she was too broken to care. The drink made her feel free, fee from anything that could ever cause her harm. When it wore away she needed more and that is how her addiction took place.

Now she is sitting in her wrecked home, waiting for death to come, but before than she has to carry out Rachel's last promise.

So for now she has to live for Rachel.

"I love you, I still love you." The words from Santana that will never reach Rachel, linger in the air and they never leave her side and they never will.