Title:Tears
Author: Barbie Girl aka Becca
Rating: PG
Characters\ Pairings: Buffy, Faith
Spoilers: Post 'Chosen'
Summary: Sometimes you just have to cry
Beta: Mallory & Morganna

Tears

Spike was gone, Anya dead, little girls were bleeding to death on the crispy white sheets of Hypertension, battle scars from warring against evil itself. And through it all tears were shed, by Giles, by Xander, by Willow, by Dawn, tears of grief, tears of relief, they flowed in down cheeks, were brushed away by loved ones and caught on crumpled tissues.

She didn't cry. She stood strong, until she could no longer stand, then she quietly passed out at Giles' feet. He tucked her into one of the empty beds in the bustling hotel and when she woke her face was still dry, her mind too heavy to think, her heart too hurt to cry. And again she was back on her feet, taking care of the girls that needed it the most, bandages, food, plotting what to do next, hugs for Xander, even a moment to comfort Andrew who seemed distraught about being alive, she did it all. Some girls died, some didn't, she helped with small burials, gave a group eulogy, said how they had given their lives in a noble cause. She even saw Faith hastily wipe away a tear as they lowered the girls into the ground, but Buffy didn't cry.

No, there was no time for tears, no time to process what had happened. There was so much to do, so much to figure out. A world full of slayers, it had never been done before, they were embarking on a new frontier. She had started this course; it was her job to see that it went as smoothly as possible. She didn't need sleep, just a strong cup of coffee, and work to busy her hands with. And so it went for ten days, passing out when she needed rest, waking as soon as emotion started to claw in. Her eyes aching from unshed tear, back stiff, head pounding and yet she trudged onward. She worked till she could work no more, till the infection from the stab wound she had left untreated decided to take its toll, till there was no more strength left. The last thing she saw before the darkness was Angel's black boots rushing towards her, and Dawn weakly crying out her name.

"Buffy..." Dawn stood hovering over her, the brunette's head silhouetted in harsh fluorescent lights that caused the slayer to blink, scrunching up her eyes. "Buffy..." The voice sounded distant, an echo of a call. She turned her head, brown hair filling Buffy's vision as she spoke. "She's awake."

Three more anxious faces appeared before her. Buffy tried to sit up, her mind in a fog, eyes still aching against the brightness that encompassed her, intense lights bouncing off of white sheets and shiny machines that beeped quietly. Slowly she became more aware of her surroundings, an IV placed into her hand, a small coolness that flowed into her veins as the bag dripped steadily into the network of tubes. "Wha-" Her voice cracked her mouth dry. Dawn quickly poured a small amount of water into a plastic cup and handed it to her sister. The water felt wonderfully cool and refreshing, gliding down her parched throat. "What happened?" She finally managed.

"Very good question." Buffy blinked again, Xander's face coming into view as she weakly managed to pull herself up, aided by Willow pushing a button on then mechanical bed. His face was worn; dark circles etched into his skin, a picture of fear itself. Buffy couldn't remember the last time that she had seen him look so terrified. "Geez Buff, why didn't you let anyone of us know you took a giant sword to the ribs? If you wanted watery Jell-O and a TV to yourself I am sure we could have worked something out." Buffy tried to force a smile; it was obvious how hard he was trying.

"Yeah." Willow chimed in. "Watery Jell-O happens to be a specialty of mine." There were tears in her eyes.

"Sorry." Buffy apologized sheepishly, glancing at the concerned friends around her.

"Hey...ummm..." Faith approached the group from where she had been sitting in the corner. "If it's alright with everyone I am gonna head back to headquarters." She gestured to the door. "Wes has got his hands full with the wannabes and I'm sure Angel will wanna know sleeping beauty is finally awake." Giles nodded, granting his permission. Faith turned at the door, glancing back to Buffy. "You're not going anywhere on me?"

"When I have watery Jell-O and my own TV? Not a chance."

Their eyes met for a moment, the question deeper than the reply Buffy had given, a connection sparking that had not been dimmed by the slayer essence being spread among the masses. Faith hesitated a moment, her mouth open if about to speak but the word never came. She closed it with a soft plop, knowing now was not the time, not knowing if their ever would be the 'right' time, nothing was ever gonna be 'right' again. So with no other choice she left, frightened for the first time in what felt like forever, since she had turned herself in that fateful night.

"So…." Xander drawled. "I am trying to think of a witty way to break this silent tension thing but I got nothing."

"Bad, bad llama." Dawn chimed in with a small chuckle. Four confused faces turned to her. "Sorry. The visitor room has been playing 'The Emperor's New Groove' like non stop. I'll be quiet now."

"No, Dawnie." Buffy assured her sister as she reached her weak arms out for an embrace that Dawn promptly returned. "It's fine." She spoke into Dawn's brunette locks, caressing the silky hair softly, comforting her the same way her mother had done a million times. Guilt surged within Buffy as she felt the first tear drop on the thin hospital gown. She tried to think of a way to apologize but she couldn't, she couldn't stand to explain that it hurt too much to think or to care, that it hurt too much to live. So instead she continued to repeat that "It's fine, Dawn. Everything will be okay. It's fine."

"I was so scared." The brunette confessed, burying her head in her sister's shoulder. "I can't loose you too."

The stark honesty of those words made the Scoobies watching the intimate scene shuffle their feet awkwardly. Buffy even saw Giles out of the corner of her eyes whip off his glasses and she assumed start cleaning them. Finally Dawn pulled back as Willow quickly passed a small box of tissues to her. "You carry a whole box with you? What? Was I at death's door? Did I want him to play chess? " Buffy joked feebly.

"Well you certainly wanted something…" Xander muttered, a sharp edge to his voice that Buffy wasn't used to.

"Now is not the time." Giles forewarned, taking command of the situation.

Xander whirled on him. "So when is the time? Next time she lands herself in the hospital? I mean is this gonna be a weekly occurrence? Should I just clear my calendar? Maybe we can write up a nice little to do list. 'Buffy gets hurt and makes sure not to tell anyone' check, 'Has to be all superpower chick' check, 'Rush Buffy to the hospital' check, 'Watch stupid Disney movies while waiting to find out if your best friend is gonna be dead or not' double check!" He stood shaking with rage and fear.

"That is quite enough!" Giles bellowed, tearing of his glasses. "If you can't control yourself then I best suggest you - that you leave." He gestured with his glasses to the open door.

Xander didn't say anything, but gave Buffy a sad backward glance has he staggered from the room, looking as if he had just been kicked in the gut. Giles followed him, somberly closing the door behind him. Buffy knew that expression, Giles had worn it a thousand times with her, lecture time.

Willow, who looked visibly shaken, spoke up first, tears filling her eyes. "I'm sorry Buffy. I-I didn't mean to." She hurled the tissue box into the nearest trashcan, glaring at it as thought it was the cause of all the turmoil. "I just started carrying them after Sunnydale… ya know." Seeing pain fill Buffy's face she silently berated herself for bringing it up. "Just seems like everyone is a little emotional these days is all."

"Yeah." Dawn piped up. "Like Xander having a rantfest at my sick sister."

"I'm sure he didn't mean all of that." Willow defended her best friend even though she was sure he meant some of it. In fact she was having some of the same fears, of course she would never articulate them so badly, or at least she hoped she wouldn't.

Dawn snorted in disbelief.

Willow's attention shifted from the youngest Summers to Buffy who was watching the scene with wary eyes. "He didn't, Buffy. He has been messed up since Anya and two weeks at a hospital can get on anyone's nerves."

"Yeah I'm sure he didn't mean to-" Buffy agreed before she noticed something. "Two weeks! I've been here for two weeks! What do you mean- two weeks?"

Willow apologized sheepishly. "Sorry. Forgot you didn't know. But on the plus you look very rested." She nodded vigorously. Buffy turned to Dawn who caught Willow eye and started bobbing her head too in agreement.

"You guys are really bad liars." Buffy sighed, suddenly feeling very tired. She let them cluck over her, comforting her about everyone having seen her bed head, and fill her in on the past two weeks, which turned out to be extremely quite, before her eyes closed and giving into slumber.

Light filtered into the dark room, silhouetting a body, the shadow falling across the floor. Buffy shifted, squinting her eyes, expecting to find another nurse, or that maybe Dawn had come back, or even the Easter bunny, but she sure as hell didn't expect to find Faith. "What happened?" She questioned, pressing the button causing the bed to prop her up and then pulling the cord attached to the florescent light above her bed.

"Nothing." Faith shrugged setting down a black duffle bag on the floor. "Just thought you might want some company is all."

"What time is it?" Buffy asked, stifling a yawn.

"Late." Faith settled herself down in one of the stiff backed chairs besides Buffy's bed. "Or a little too early for comfort if you're a vamp. Angel left about a half an hour ago."

"I didn't see him. I mean, I didn't mean to act like-"

"Don't sweat it, B. He didn't want to wake you. He has been keeping watch since Dawn and Will left."

"Keeping watch?" Buffy snorted. "What am I under surveillance now? You my new prison guard? Should I call you 'warden'?"

"Think of it more of a babysitter sorta thing. Who knows if you're good maybe I will sneak you up a pizza later, that is if you promise not to spill the beans."

"I think I might have to decline your offer." Buffy replied with frosted voice. "I don't need a babysitter or anything else. Now if you could just run your little self on back to slay central and tell them that I can get back to my beauty rest." She rolled to her one side, refusing to look at Faith.

"You need something." Faith stood, feet planted firmly on the ground. "And hey I'm not sure I can be the one to give it to you but I just thought maybe you would want someone to talk to."

"I have friends." Buffy bit out the word, making it clear the rouge slayer was not counted among them. "Why would I ever talk to you?"

"Maybe because they are too close? Maybe because even if you want off that pedestal they put you on they won't ever let you? Maybe because unlike them I actually understand what you are going through?"

"You!" Buffy turned, sitting up. "How could you have any idea of what I am going through! You just came in at the last moment. You haven't been here since day one. You weren't the one with all of it placed on your shoulders."

"Maybe not." Faith conceded. "But I know what you've lost."

"Yeah I'm sure you do, except for the fact that your boyfriend is back at Hypertension. Hell he is probably having doughnuts with Giles and Wes right about now."

"Yours probably is too."

"Don't" Buffy shook with rage, her voice fading out before gaining strength. "Don't bring the jealous vampire crap into this."

"Hey" Faith took a step back, hands in the air. "All I'm saying is you still got people who care for you."

"So what? I'm just supposed to forget that Spike went down in a tower of flames?"

"No. You are supposed to deal which is something you're not doing."

"Oh because you are such an expert at 'dealing'?" Buffy pressed the sword of past pains into Faith's gut. "Sorry but I think I will get my advice from someone who isn't a murderer."

Faith let out a chuckle. "Figures."

"What?" Buffy glared, annoyed that Faith hadn't taken the bait, that she was actually laughing.

"That you would go for the murderer card. You always were predictable like that."

"Well don't want to bore you with my predictability so why don't you just leave already?"

"Why don't you just let me say what I came here to say?"

Buffy sighed. "Then will you leave?" Faith nodded. "Fine then talk."

Faith paced the floor, hear heavy boots smacking loudly with every step, a finger hooked in to her belt buckle. "Okay." She finally stopped pacing, eyes on Buffy, as if she had just gotten straight in her head what she wanted to say.

"I'm all ears." Buffy spoke, sounding as thought she wanted nothing more than to get this over with.

"The way I see it B is that this isn't just about Spike..."

Buffy sat up, outraged. "How dare you come in here and tell me-"

"I just said it isn't all about Spike." Faith cut short her tirade. "I figure him going down like that has got to have left a big part of you back in Sunnydale. But it's more than that and you know it, whether or not you are ready to admit it. Part of it is got to be about what you lost, and I don't mean the house or the nights bang Mr. Grateful Dead. I mean you have been the 'It' girl for awhile now and suddenly you have a whole more girls just stepping all over your show with power that you gave them."

Buffy looked like she wanted to interject but said nothing as Faith continued. "Now I know I didn't really get my power the old-fashion way, I mean I was born into this scene with you already in the lead role but even I feel the change. Here we are with a freaking army of slayers and there is so much shit we can accomplish. And it just sorta makes all the other sacrifices seem small, like the shit we did isn't gonna be a freaking footnote. Only thing we are gonna be noted for is giving them their power, they are gonna get the glory, gonna be the ones to change the world, not you and I."

Hate flamed in Buffy's eyes, her voice laden with venom. "What do you know about sacrifice? You just take and think about yourself first and to hell with everyone else."

Faith met her gaze. "I know that just wasn't your power you decided to play share time with."

"So what? So you do one thing and suddenly you know what the cost of being a slayer is? I gave up everything! Angel, Spike, even my life. So you had to work on the good side for a change and that meant you had to let go of a part of you? So what! I've done it everyday for eight years!"

"And it kills you! It kills you to know that you aren't special anymore, that you might have done your job and that you might not be valuable anymore! That you did all of that and now you have all these kids crawling on your turf!"

"Get out." Buffy commanded eyes filling with tears.

Faith nodded, picking up the duffel bag and setting it on Buffy's bed. Her voice was softer as she spoke, pain mirroring Buffy's "I wasn't trying to say that what you did was wrong. Not trying to say it was right either. But its what you had to do, I know that feeling, its part of being a slayer. Maybe you aren't the star anymore, maybe you just have to be normal. All I'm trying to do is remind you that's what you always wanted, that you shouldn't cave just when you got a real life."

Buffy couldn't speak, anger and self-pity still too strong.

"Here I got you this." Faith gestured to the bag. "I know it's not the same but..." Her voice trailed off, as she slowly turned walking across the room to the door.

With curious fingers, Buffy unzipped the bag and pulled out a stuff pig. Suddenly the dam broke, as tears fell down her cheeks. She didn't try to stop them or hold back any longer, she let herself cry, let herself grieve over those she lost and the life she left behind. "Faith?" She called, catching the rogue slayer with her hand on the doorknob. Faith looked back. "Thank you." Buffy knew it wasn't enough, but left the rest go unsaid.

Faith nodded. "You're not going anywhere on me?" She asked with a broken smile.

Buffy shook her head, tears still falling. No, she wasn't going anywhere.

The End.