Chapter 1

The Diagnosis

Hutch was smiling as he drove home after dropping Starsky off at his house. He was looking forward to being home with his wife, Jennifer, and his three-year old son, Davey. It wasn't too often that he was home in time to eat dinner with them and he was looking forward to the rare treat. He pulled the visor down and pushed the button that opened the garage door. He backed the car in and went inside. Jennifer heard the garage door opening and was waiting for him in the kitchen. Hutch opened the door and hugged her. He looked around for Davey, who usually jumped him as soon as he walked through the door. "Where's Davey?"

"I asked Jeanne to watch him tonight." She bowed her head and took hold of Hutch's hand. "Honey, we need to talk." She led him to the living room and sat down on the couch.

"Have I done something wrong?" Hutch asked. He knew by the look on her face and the sound of her shaky voice that something was bothering her. He was afraid that he made her mad. Although for the life of him, he didn't know what it could have been.

She turned so that she was facing him. She held both of his hands in hers. "I don't know how to say this. I don't know how…" She was trembling all over as she spoke.

Hutch tightened the grip on her hands hoping to give her strength to say whatever it was she obviously didn't want to tell him, "Honey, whatever it is you can tell me."

"Do you remember me telling you I was going to the doctor to see about the headaches and blurry vision I've had lately?"

"Yes, did they find out what's causing them?"

She nodded. "Please, don't say anything until I'm done, okay?" He nodded. "I went to the doctor today…and I have…it's…," she took a deep breath and said, "I have a tumor and it's probably cancer." She leaned forward and he held her close. She cried as he stroked her hair. Those words cut through him more than any knife or bullet ever did. Those words scared him more than staring into the barrel of a gun. He clenched his teeth and his whole body tensed as he held back his own tears. He almost forgot to breathe.

"Shhh. It'll be okay, Honey." He leaned her back and kissed her forehead. "You said probably, maybe it's something else." He wanted it to be anything else.

"The doctor wants me to come back tomorrow and I'd like you to go with me. Do you…"

"Of course I'll be with you. I'll call Chief Sterling in the morning." He used his thumb to wipe away her tears.

"Please, don't tell him anything. I don't want anyone to know yet. Not until I know for sure. I haven't even told Jeanne." She rubbed her forehead as her bottom lip quivered.

He pulled her close and held her again. "I won't say anything to anyone, not even Starsky until you want me to, okay?" She nodded. "I'll tell Sterling and Starsky that I'm not feeling well in the morning." She nodded again. He held her on the couch for a long time. Hutch cooked a light dinner which consisted of baked chicken and a salad.

After dinner, Hutch led Jennifer into the living room. She sat down on the couch and he put on some soft music. He held his hand out as he approached her, "Will you do me the honor of this dance, Mrs. Hutchinson?"

She took his hand and said, "I'd be delighted to, Mr. Hutchinson." When she stood up, he put one arm around her waist and held her hand with the other one. He gently kissed her as he pulled her close to him. After the third dance, Jennifer whispered in his ear, "Will you make love to me?" He smiled and led her into the bedroom.

The next morning, Hutch listened to her rhythmic respirations and watched her sleep for several minutes before he got up. He called Starsky then he called Chief Sterling and told them both that he was not feeling well.

Jeanne and Jennifer were both nurses. They worked part time so that one of them was always off work. It worked out great for them with the schedules their husbands had. Kenny and Davey spent a lot of time at each other's houses.

Jeanne and Jennifer were both off work the next day and Jeanne said that she would be happy to keep Davey since Hutch wasn't feeling well. Jennifer didn't like to keep secrets from her twin sister, but she didn't want to worry her if her headaches turned out to be nothing either. She thanked her for keeping Davey an extra day.

When he parked the car at the doctor's office, Hutch ran around to the passenger side and opened the door for his wife. He held her hand as they walked inside. The receptionist took them straight to his office and told them to have a seat and he would be right in. There were two chairs in the office and Hutch scooted his chair so that he was right next to Jennifer. She put her hand on the armrest of the chair and he held her hand. It wasn't long before the doctor came in and shook hands with Hutch. "Mr. Hutchinson, It's good to meet you. I'm Neil Owens, Jeanne's doctor. I've worked with her many times. She's told me a lot about you over the years." Hutch was too nervous to speak, he politely nodded instead. He was doing all he could to keep himself together. Hutch sat back down as Dr. Owens sat in the chair behind the desk. There was an uncomfortable silence as he glanced through a file in front of him. After what seemed like forever to Hutch, the doctor closed the file, rested his elbows on the desk and rubbed his hands together. "This kind of news is never easy to deliver." He leaned back in his chair and said, "I'm afraid the test is positive, Jeanne. You have a cancerous brain tumor. It's rare and it's inoperable."

Hutch turned his gaze from the doctor to Jennifer who hung her head and shook it slowly from side to side. He looked back at the doctor and asked, "What do we do? How do we treat it?" He heard Jennifer starting to sob as she held her hands up to her head. Hutch got up from his seat and squatted down in front of her. "It'll be okay, Honey. You can fight this. You can beat this." His speech was broken as he was trying not to cry or show the fear and anger that was raging inside him.

Doctor Owens looked at Jennifer. Her tear-filled eyes met his then she looked at Dr. Owens, "I can't…I can't tell him." She said as she leaned forward and allowed Hutch to hold her.

Hutch was facing Jennifer and his back was turned toward the doctor. He turned his head and asked, "Tell me what?"

Dr. Owens hesitated then said, "I'm afraid there is no current cure for this particular type of cancer, Mr. Hutchinson. It's too deep inside the brain."

Hutch held Jennifer tighter and patted her back. He choked back his own tears. "I'm going to leave you two alone for a few minutes," Dr. Owens said as he stood up. He quietly closed the door as he left.

"Oh, Hutch, I'm sorry."

He brushed the long soft-brown hair out of her emerald-green eyes. "You're sorry. You have nothing to be sorry about." His voice was soft and soothing. He stayed there holding her for a long time. Dr. Owens came back and in and explained to Jennifer and Hutch what they could expect.

Hutch took the next day off work and Jeanne said she would keep Davey again. Jennifer was a nurse and knew full well what she could expect over the next four to six months. This kind of brain cancer was very aggressive. There was no miracle cure or pill she could take to make it all go away. Chemotherapy would do nothing but make her sicker the little time she did have left. Dr. Owens had told Hutch all this in his office the day before, but she knew that he didn't comprehend it all. It was too much for anyone to take in. They talked and he held her as she cried a lot that morning. She decided it was time to tell Jeanne and Starsky. Jennifer wanted Hutch to tell Starsky first, and then they would tell Jeanne together that night. "Are you going to be okay when I leave to meet Starsky?" He asked her.

"Honey, it's not going to happen overnight, I'll be fine. To be honest, I'd like a little alone time for a while."

He kissed her hand, "Your wish is my command." He went into the bedroom and called the station; the dispatcher patch him through to Starsky.

"Patch him through," Starsky said when he received the call on his radio.

"Starsk, I need to see you. Can you meet me at Miller Park in a half hour?"

"Sure, Hutch. Hey, you okay? You don't sound too good."

"Just meet me, please, it's important."

"I'll be there, Buddy."

Starsky pulled up to the park a little before two and saw Hutch sitting at a picnic table with his arms crossed and his head resting on them. He tapped his horn to let Hutch know he was there. Hutch lifted his head and walked toward Starsky. Starsky could see that Hutch's eyes were red and watery. He put his hand on Hutch's shoulder, "Hutch, what is it? What's wrong, Buddy?"

Until this very moment, Hutch wasn't sure he believed what Dr. Owens said. He didn't want to believe it. His chin quivered and his eyes became watery. He couldn't say anything. Tears filled his eyes as he reached for Starsky and hugged him. Starsky didn't know what was going on, but he knew his partner and best friend was hurting and he hugged him tightly until Hutch could finally get the words out, "Starsk, I'm gonna lose her."

"You mean… she wants a divorce?"

"She has cancer, Starsk," Hutch mumbled through his tears.

Starsky's eyes filled with tears too. "Oh, Hutch, no."

Hutch nodded. "She's…she's going to die, Starsk." He couldn't believe he said it. When he said those words, he felt as if they burned a hole into his very soul. He hated himself for even thinking that, let alone saying those words.

"Is that why you were out the past two days?"

"She didn't want anyone to know until we knew for sure."

"It's okay, I understand." He patted Hutch's back.

Hutch took a deep breath and broke the embrace. He sniffed and wiped the tears away with eyes with his hand. They walked to the picnic table and sat down. "Jennifer wants us to come to your place tonight and tell Jeanne."

"Yeah, sure," Starsky agreed. This news would be devastating to Jeanne. Then Starsky thought of their boys, Kenny and Davey. His mind was racing with so many thoughts and questions he didn't know what he was thinking. His first priority was to listen to Hutch right now and let him talk. Hutch's voice was slow and calm as he explained about going to the doctor the day before and how the doctor told them that she had roughly four to six months to live. The doctor would give her something to help with her headaches when they got worse. Starsky wanted to tell Hutch that it would all be okay, that maybe there was a mistake with the tests, but he knew that wasn't true. Everything was anything but all right.

"I'll call Huggy and see if he can take the boys out for pizza or something tonight, Hutch," Starsky said after it appeared that Hutch had said all he could manage to get out.

"Don't tell him anything yet, okay? Jennifer doesn't want a lot people to know just yet."

"Sure, Buddy; whatever you two want."

Hutch nodded and put his elbows on the table. He put his right hand over his left and rested his forehead on his hands. "Oh, God, Starsk, what am I going to do?" His whole body shook as he let the tears flow once again.

Starsky put his arms around Hutch and said, "Let it out, Buddy. I'm here for you." Starsky stayed with Hutch until the end of his shift.

Hutch wiped his tears and said, "I guess I'd better get back. We'll be at your place about six, okay?" Starsky nodded. He walked with Hutch to their cars.

Jennifer bent her head down as Hutch pulled into Starsky's driveway. Hutch reached out his hand and patted her leg. "You want to put this off?"

She shook her head no. Jennifer lifted her head up, took a deep breath, looked at Hutch and said, "No. She deserves to know."

Hutch nodded and slid out of the driver's seat. He opened the car door for Jennifer and took her hand when she offered it. He steadied her by putting his hand against the small of her back when she paused. "Starsky and I will be with you," he whispered. She nodded and continued to walk up the cement path to the house.

Hutch never knocked when he entered Starsky's house and this time was no different. He saw Starsky and they nodded at each other. "Oh, there you two are," Jeanne said as she emerged from the kitchen. "Starsky said you were coming by tonight. Hutch, I hope you're feeling better."

"I'm fine," Hutch said as he walked Jennifer to the couch.

Jennifer squinted and rubbed her forehead as she sat on the couch.

Jeanne looked at Starsky, who turned away from her gaze. She then looked at Hutch who was unusually attentive toward Jennifer which made her know something was wrong. "Hey, what's wrong?" She asked the other three. "You three look like you've seen a ghost."

Jennifer bowed her head and leaned into Hutch's chest. Hutch held her close to him. Jennifer nodded but didn't say a word. Starsky walked toward Jeanne and put his hand on her shoulder. He glanced at Hutch who nodded. "Honey, Jennifer went to the doctor about those headaches and blurry vision she's been having." He paused, not really wanting to say the rest of what he knew needed to be said.

"And?" Jeanne said sounding concerned as she looked at all three of them.

"It's cancer," Starsky said. He held her up as her knees started to give out. He guided her to the couch. Hutch stood up so Jeanne could sit next to Jennifer. The two women clung to each other.

"They…" Jeanne started to say but Jennifer cut her off.

"No, they can't. It's too deep there's nothing they can do."

Hutch sat on the arm of the couch and put his hand on Jennifer's shoulder and Starsky sat next to Jeanne. There are seven stages people go through when facing their own mortality or that of someone they love. They are shock/ denial, pain/guilt, anger/bargaining, depression/reflection/loneliness, reconstruction/working through, acceptance/hope. These stages can vary in length and sometimes people go through them more than once and not everyone goes through all the stages. The first one is usually denial. Jennifer and Jeanne were both nurses and they have seen their share of people with cancer. They came to the realization pretty quickly that there had been no mistakes in any of the tests. Starsky and Hutch had seen their share of loss too and also knew that the tests were right. The four of them seemed to get past the denial stage pretty quickly. There really was no denying Jennifer's headaches and blurry vision. Dr. Owens had shown Hutch and Jennifer the x-ray at the office. They talked about letting Chief Sterling know in the morning. They would also let the Dobey's know within a few days.

They were unaware of how much time had passed until the front door opened and two little boys came running in followed by a very tired looking Huggy. Davey hugged his dad. "Are you better? Aunt Jeanne said you were sick."

Hutch looked at his blond-haired, hazel-eyed son, put on a fake smile and said, "Yes, Daddy's better."

Huggy could see right through the fake smiles and knew something had upset the four of them. He looked at Starsky and nodded toward the front door. Starsky looked at Hutch and Jeanne and told them he would be right back. Hutch gave him an approving nod.

Starsky stood on the front porch, leaned against the railing and shuffled his feet. "Starsky, what's up?" Huggy finally asked.

In a matter-of-fact tone, Starsky said, "Jennifer has a type of brain cancer, Hug."

"No."

"Hutch says the doctor's can't do anything because it's too deep." Huggy looked at Starsky waiting for him to tell him more. "They're giving her four-to-six months." Starsky's legs felt weak and he sat on the railing before they totally gave out on him.

Huggy reached out his hand and steadied his friend. "What can I do, Starsky? Tell me what, I'll do anything."

"Thanks, Hug. We don't want the boys to know just yet. We talked earlier and we're going to let Chief Sterling know tomorrow. We may need someone to keep an eye on the boys while we work out what we are going to do."

"You got it, and anything else you think of."

Starsky patted Huggy's arm and said, "Thanks."

"I think you have your hands full tonight, but you come by my humble establishment soon, okay?"

"Will do."

Huggy left. He wanted to go in the house and tell Jennifer how sorry he was and hug her, but he didn't want to upset any of them any more than they already were.

Jennifer and Hutch took Davey home not long after Huggy dropped them off. After they put Davey to bed, Jennifer was brushing her hair and she said, "Honey, I want you to go back to work tomorrow. You can't stay out much longer and Starsky needs you."

"Starsky will be just fine a few days without me."

She put the brush down and slid under the covers. She rolled onto her side so that she was facing him, "I'll be all right. Jeanne's off tomorrow and we want to take the boys to the park. I'm off the next two days, but I'm going back to work myself. I want you to go back to work."

He tenderly brushed her hair back and kissed her. "Are you sure?"

"Positive." She rolled over and turned out the night light.

Hutch rolled onto his back, folded his hands and placed them on his stomach and stared at the ceiling. A single tear rolled down his left cheek.