For fifteen years a pink marshmallow has invaded our hearts. With his power to suck up enemies, Kirby of the Stars is a gallant hero of our age.
But What If . . . Kirby was a human?
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Kirby of the Stars
星のカービィ
WHAT IF #1
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He was not your average teenager, by any stretch of the imagination.
This teenager seemed to have a fascination with the colour pink.
This teenager also always has an appetite of unlimited proportions, but had a great metabolism to make up for it.
He also liked marshmallows. Pink, of course.
Kirby Pupu (you can imagine the names he was called) also liked to dance. When he daydreamed in class, he either imagined he was eating or breakdancing after victory over an evil penguin . . .
"Mister Kirby, give the answer to the question in five seconds or you will be in serious trouble," Miss Deedee, a woman with atrocious fashion sense, called out to Kirby.
Breaking away from his breakdancing, cake eating visions, Kirby leapt from his seat.
"The answer is . . . um . . . puyo?" Kirby replied, confused. The class had a good chuckle at the expense of Kirby. Miss Deedee rolled her eyes. She hated that word he always seemed to say when he could not get the correct answer.
"No, Mr. Pupu. The answer to the question is Caesar. You will stay back ten minutes per incorrect answer you give me, since it is obvious you haven't been paying attention. Capiche?" Miss DeeDee said, quickly and menacingly.
X X X
Time ticked away slowly.
Twenty minutes seemed like two eternities.
Especially when he had to write 'puyo' over and over again on the boast, with chalk that made him cringe every time he wrote with it.
All that was keeping him half-sane was the thought of cakedancing.
Eating cake. While breakdancing.
Miss DeeDee looked up from her novel, 'If They Smile, You Know You're Doing Something Wrong'.
"I'm sick of being your caretaker in my own time. Leave and never say that god-forsaken word in my class," Miss DeeDee said, rather tonelessly.
Kirby jumped his way out of the classroom, with grace and childishness present in each step. Any onlooker might have thought he was a ballerina.
X X X
Kirby was not a ballerina, however.
Kirby was now outside his school, with a couple of students still trickling out of the school. Out of his lunchbox, Kirby grabbed a piece of chocolate mud cake. A smile appeared on Kirby's face before he began to dance.
Kirby proceeded to breakdance, spinning his legs around with one hand on the ground at a time. He had to swap his hands over every couple seconds, along with the cake, which always landed in the non-occupied hand. The cake then was thrown into the air, with Kirby's mouth catching the cake. He continued to do the breakdancing while taking one bite out of the cake each time he swapped hands. The cake piece did not fall during this time.
While a small crowd had usually gathered by now, because Kirby was late out, only one person was watching him.
The cake was finished when Kirby used his hands to push himself back up onto two legs, with the blonde hair girl clapping.
"Did you just breakdance while . . . eating cake?" the girl asked, giggling at the thought.
"Yeah, cakedancing," Kirby explained. He grabbed a series of poster with a picture of him doing the dance he was just doing.
"Cakedancing. It's growing to cult-ish sizes. Takes a real ar and timing. What's your name?" Kirby explained and asked her.
Tiff was the girl's name.
'What kind of parent would name their child that?' Kirby thought to himself. He gave his name to Tiff, which she then thought:
'What kind of parent names their child after a vacuum cleaner?'
Then, something completely random that was beyond the realm of possibilities occurred. A portal ripped open in the sky with many random creatures coming out, including a royally dressed penguin.
Everyone screamed as creatures randomly landed in parts of the city.
Kirby blinked a couple times while Tiff ran away.
"That was random," he said to himself.
In front of Kirby, a small, cute, orange blob known as a Scarfy stood at attention.
"Aww, isn't that a –" the cakedancer began to say. The Scarfy launched itself at Kirby, biting down on Kirby's hand.
"GAH!" Kirby yelped. Kirby tried to shake the Scarfy off. He tried several alternatives, including smashing his backpack against the small creature. As a last attempt, something comparable to a vacuum flushed out of his mouth. The Scarfy sucked into his mouth, but it was too big to fit in the mouth of Kirby.
Kirby tapped the back of his head, trying to get the Scarfy out. The Scarfy dropped to the ground and the teenager smashed it with all his might with his right foot.
The enemy went flying in the air, crashing and exploding into a monstrous royal penguin that looked vaguely familiar. The bird turned around in annoyance, giving Kirby the death stare.
"Do you know who you are dealing with, young mortal?" the penguin roared with fury. Kirby titled his head to his right, confused.
"Bah! I am the illustrious King Dedede!" the penguin declared. Dedede's name sounded familiar to the teenager, but he just couldn't remember from . . .
Kirby saw Dedede charge toward him at the last moment, but it was just enough to start breakdancing like he was doing before. His legs spun with the change of his hands, and while Kirby thought he had Dedede, the King grabbed Kirby's legs and pounded Kirby's head right into the ground!
"Oof! . . . how am I going to defeat this penguin?" Kirby asked himself.
He knew he could not eat Dedede whole. Kirby also realized his dancing skills would not be much use against Dedede.
A thought struck Kirby.
"Hmm . . . maybe . . . just maybe . . . hey, Gramps, are you too old to catch me?" Kirby mocked.
Kirby ran a few metres away from Dedede and mooned him, revealing the 'cheeky' side of Kirby.
"You rascal!" Dedede cried out.
And so a chase scene ensured. Kirby could just barely keep ahead of Dedede, with the penguin almost catching up to him several times.
The chase scene did not last very long, since Kirby arrived at his destination in mind.
He ran into'BBQs R Us' and grabbed a random barbeque that could be wheeled out of the shop.
Dedede stopped outside of the Barbeque shop with horror growing on his face. Kirby wheeled out the Barbeque and winked at Dedede. For a moment, he imagined the Penguin as a nice juicy ham.
"Time to fry this birdie," Kirby said. "I always wanted to try Barbeque Penguin."
And so another chase scene ensured, this time in Kirby's advantage.
X X X
Hours later, the rift had sucked all the enemies back in, 'coincidentally' after their King had been deep fried.
It was now night and all the starts had come out to sparkle. The night sky was wonderful, as Kirby took a bite out of a deep fried penguin.
"Now kids, bullying is just wrong. Cooking bad guys is a-okay," Kirby said, to no one in particular, while take a bite out of the delicious former King.
"I thought I would find you here," the female voice of Tiff said. She seemd to come out of nowhere, jumping out tfrom behind a bush.
"How did you find me?" Kirby asked, curious.
"I stalked you," Tiff said, matter-of-faculty. Kirby shrugged. Stalking seemed so normal after today's events. Kirby broke off a part of the fried Dedede.
"Here, try this," Kirby suggested. He handed part of Dedede over to Tiff. Tiff smiled as she sunk her teeth into the penguin and ripped part of the piece away.
"Tastes like chicken," Tiff said, thinking it was indeed chicken.
"Penguin, actually."
Tiff blinked. With a thought of disgust, she spat Dedede out . . .
IF Kirby was human: His mouth would not be big enough to suck up enemies and he would have to fry them . . .