Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion, Gainax, and your life, Anno. Also, you should've stop trying to make Gendo as magnificent bastard as possible. I already cringed at the whole stupidity displayed by the whole cast in 3.33/Q just to make him looks so smart in comparison.
A/N: Alright. I think it would be necessary to explain some things in this fic
1. Where did i get the idea to create something...cracked like this? It's simple: I always thought that Rei is an ultimate example of epic failure that also somewhat functioned as revolutionary force of good proportions. I read that Rei was supposed to be the triumphant example of Creepy obedience Waifu and deconstructed Japanese's definition of ideal woman. Exotically beautiful, efficient in her job...and also there's something very inhuman about her, and she's not just obedience: She has no regard to her own life since she's expendable as hell. The result? Not only people saw Rei as a poor girl instead of just a creep due to everything that's wrong with her is completely out of her control, she also defined the new definition of Moe fetish! How ironic is that? Which resulted in another point:
2. I realized that Gendo is somewhat projected a bit part of Anno. Both are hypocrite in some regards (Gendo, for all his badassness, is actually adult Shinji that decided to disregard love instead of desperately searching for it, and Anno...well, he has a...bipolar relation with Eva fans. Where else can you find a guy who called Otakus demented while made a living with their money that spent for EVA merchandise?), and they made Rei for specific purpose: Gendo for his own version of Instrumentality, and Anno to show how wrong Otaku's definition of ideal waifu. Both failed spectacularly in their mission, and at the end, Rei disobeyed her creators (and her very own nature in Anno's case). Very interesting relations. Which (loosely) made yet another point:
3. Anno is not perfect, and he took everything too seriously.. I always have this perseption about him due to some minor picky things about Evangelion (For example, why all Bridge Bunnies didn't saw the unnecessarily cruelness of Unit-03's destruction that caused by Gendo's orders? Disarmed (literally) Unit-00 without disconnected Rei first, had the Dummy Plug activated without knocked out Shinji first so at least he wouldn't feel the sensation of crushing EVA-03 and Toji etc...and all Bridge Bunnies were still sided with Gendo against Shinji! Gee, thanks, assholes!), but Q cemented my view of him. As my disclaimer said, i feel that the whole cast aside from Gendo and maybe Kaworu got a huge IQ drop after the near third impact just to make the plot going. I mean...some things they did violated common sense. Like, treated Shinji cruelry instead of just telling him everything that's going on in the first place inadvertently caused by him. And Anno got depressed again from making Q? Again, he took everything too seriously. Which conceed in the final point:
4. With all those previous points, i got an idea: What if everything that's wrong with Evangelion happens not because of budget problems, but because of something else? What if instead of simply depressed, Anno is legit bonkers? What if some genius things in Evangelion caused by another unrelated incidents that barely has anything to do with Evangelion? So i decided to make a fanfic that satirized Evangelion and Rei's misguided popularity and effect on Anime industry...but i took too many cracks. So, shit happens.
Alright, that's the explanation for this. Let's get down with this story.
" It's time, Rei."
Rei looked at the face of the man who just said those three words. A certain Japanese. Average height, at his late 30s. He sported a beard, a messed up one, showed little care with how he appeared to people, or how little he regarded others, or how little he thought of himself. He wore sunglasses in the dark room, further showed detachment to reality.
If only his eyes were on the size of windshields, an irony that always found on Japanese's comics and animations, then Gendo Ikari would be a perfect choice to the guise for the identity of the mysterious man.
" Mr. Anno..."
" Yes, it's me, Rei. Come to me."
Rei obeyed the order of the man, Hideaki Anno, who was still suffering from depressions after the troublesome production of Nadia, thanks to the extreme meddling from the executive.
Rei was naked, just like her scene with Gendo in End of Evangelion. Not that taboo is something that bothered her, as the scene on her apartment with Shinji proved. What's the real concern was Anno himself. A depressed 30+ years old with the naked, barely legal beauty (i refuse to believe that Asuka and Rei were only 14. There's no way that 14 years old can have a body that will make supermodel jealous. Or the animators are perverts. Or Japan, that's why.) is not a formula for something good. And he asked her to 'come' to him. Oh, man, this's not gonna be gooood...
Where in the world is Chris Hansen when we need him?
Anno then placed his right hand on Rei's chest, squished her left breast. It's clear that she didn't enjoy it one little bit.
Anno, you're fucked up. This's even worst than when Shinji pleased himself with-
Nah. That's still worst than this. Wait. Ahhh...now i see for why he groped those...mountains.
Anno's face is pleased, but before you called him a rapist, it's clear that it's not from the arousal of touching a literal angel inappropriately. Well, it's clear if you know about what he was thinking anyway. He thought to himself about those pesky Otakus who jerked off to Bulma, Ranma and other animated hottie, who nearly destroyed Anime's integrity, who made Anime not got the respect deserved. Now, Neon Genesis Evangelion has been a massive success, and in some way saved Anime industry, he only had one thing left to do:
To destroys this Angel. To destroy their definition of a perfect woman.
That was the original intention for why Anno created this goddess blue-haired literal angel. Anno intended to show the light to those anime-obsessed freaks on how misguided they're about their description of ideal waifu: Beautiful, obedience, never try to rebel. Indeed. Anno deliberately made Rei to bee (yes. The extra e is necessary for unknown reason. No, don't ask me why it's necessary if myself don't know the reason for it being necessary.) too beautiful and creepy at the same time, explicitly a jailbait and too obedience to the point of being literally expendable. But instead, he created a new template for the things he despised the most:
Moe waifu fetishes.
Instead of creeped out by Rei, the fans were sympathized with her. Instead of showed Otakus how wrong their definition of perfect woman was, she further defined it. Worst, instead of destroyed the definition of Moe, she CODIFIED the term of moe. Also, the fans wouldn't bought the fact that Rei and Asuka were only 14. Damn that Dawson Casting trope. After all, no 14 years old could make skintight suit has that many...curves.
Now, Gainax had been planned to use her and Asuka as the greatest merchandizing device, and for covering the money that mysteriously lost on the production level of NGE (Plot Twist: Anno stole them all. Why? I know the truth. That's why. I'm the creator of this fic, after all. What, you still don't believe me? Okay, PM me at for further explanations.). Anno had no choice but to kill her, so his master plan wouldn't be made futile in the end.
Now, he was ready for the next step.
The left hand now also squished Rei's breast, the right one in that. It was, again, clear that Rei's not pleased at all with this strange behavior from him. But she chose to stay in her place, waiting for further development before she made her move.
Her breasts then pelled off. Followed by the rest of her skin.
Anno's hands are now not focused themselves on her breasts. They're now affixed with her neck. They're now squished her life out.
" Rei, the forbidden combination of Adam and Lilith...there's no more episodes. You're now going to do your last purpose: To destroys Otaku's dream. Let's begin, Rei. Leave your body, and shatters their dream with you exist no more. Your soul is mine."
Rei's struggled with her imminent death, but she understood his intentions, and sympathize with it. After all, she was his creation. She understood his plan in destroying Anime cliches and showed the reality on how creepy those were. He had succeeded with the concept of Child Soldiers. And now he's going to succeed with her being obedience waifu.
But Rei then realized something: She's not Gendo's doll, she's not Gendo's bitch, and she's not going to be Anno's tool.
Of course, Shinji and Asuka screaming on their megaphone about what they can do with the merchandizing and further appearance made her realized on what she would miss with her life.
" Rei! Please, fight back! You're not expendable!" Said Shinji. He was on the verge of shedding his tear from her complete obedience. He cannot believe that she's really that willess in real life. And the pelled off skins. Oh god, the pelled off skin. If Maya was here, she would vomitted.
" Baka Wondergirl! So you think he can just killed you once our series's over? And you said that you're not Gendo's doll? So you're not Gendo's doll, but Anno's instead? Oh, the irony! Oh, and you will missed those houses you can buy with those money from our fame, those attentions from press and people, those clothes and shoes, jewelries, and blablabla and blablabla..."
Rei's head is experienced a conflict between continuing her life and enjoying the hell out of it or finished her last purpose. It's true that material posession is something that's not in her primary priorities, and her priorities are focused on doing the absolute necessary things: Eat vegetables, sleep, acts, repeat. Maybe watching television whenever Evangelion's on the screen. That's how she lived her life. But the ice cream that Shinji and Asuka gave to her every Sunday made her realized on how nice it is to do things that's not an absolute necessary. And the attentions from all the boys that oggling her were not shameful and embarassing. Rather, they filled her need of being...noticed. And it was nice.
But Anno has been nice to her. Surely, he forced her to method acting by living in the set for her apartment, but unlike Gendo, he allowed her to interact with people. He said nice things to her once the take is done, and he even said that she's actually beautiful despite his intents to make her creepy. Perhaps it's his best decision to decide the next thing she needs to do once the show is done. And it was death. A meaningful death to end all the shenanigans of Otakus.
But she remembered the last two episodes of Evangelion.
Anno finally goes bonker from his depression, destroyed every set of Evangelion and burned all the money for the funding of the show. He then forced Shinji, Asuka and her to drew all the scenes by themselves, driving them crazy. If Asuka didn't got the idea to recycle the earlier animations, they would've went as bonker as their character. The explanation for them was that Anno did all of these to get the exact feeling of the horrors that was needed in the story.
But Rei knows better. She eavesdropped him when she took a bathroom break. It was all a master plan so he can be declared as genius. A genius that was so genius, he can make the greatest show by the smallest budget ever.
Oh, and there's no bonus for all those 15+ hours of drawing, drawing, drawing, and Fucking drawing.
Rei realized on what an asshole Anno is. She then finally decided on what she needs to do.
She bitchslapped him so hard that he flied to the moon (he asked for it...literally), immersed herself in LCL, and returns with her skin and breasts returned, good as new. Needless to say, a dead cult that was worshipping a certain...bust was reborn on the same day it died.
" Rei!" Shinji screamed in joy once she joined them. He then hugged her with all the strength he had, ignored the fact that she's so nude, her... blue patch were visible to anyone. But it doesn't matter. Rei is back, and she's no one's bitch anymore.
Asuka, who was about to apply a jacket to her, was grinned her teeth and tightened her grasp at the sight of Shinji embracing Rei. But as she about to punched both of them, she realized that Rei's back, and that's all matter. She then decided to join the embracing of the return of Ayanami.
" So...Ikari, Soryu..." Said Rei. With the said jacket covered her body. She also got a panties now, in case you guys wonder.
" Ah, come on, Rei! We already know each other for so long, we eats ice cream together every sunday, we went to mall every saturday. We already had lots of fun together. Don't be so formal." Said Asuka.
" Fine. Shinji, Asuka...what should we do now?" Said Rei in her usual monotone tone.
" Hmmm...i don't know, Rei." Shinji answered. " I mean, we really don't have anything to do after all of this, actually. Our merchandizing are being handled by Gainax, and we don't have a new season or movie soon."
" I thought we're going to have some work with the other adaptations, like some video games or mangas?"
" Nah. We're replaced by similar looking actors in those cases." Shinji answered.
" Oh." Rei sighed. No wonder those video game based on adaptations has 80% chance of being sucks. Well, at least she wouldn't do the porn.
" So, we really don't have something to do, huh, Shinji?"
" Well...do you, um, do you have any idea too, Asuka?"
" Don't look at me! I only want to have some fun after nearly killed myself in that bath. Damn Anno and his obsession with method acting. I thought that the shards were fake, but as soon as the blood spraying from my wrists... Fuck him."
The three then took a deep thought about what they're going to do in their career. Indeed, with the method acting maniac's gone, they should be just having fun. But they still need something to do for their future.
" Well, Rei."
" Yes, Shinji?"
" Do you have any idea yourself?"
" Perhaps. But it would be something considered as...childish and improbable."
" Well, at least we'll get some laugh if it's so ridiculous. Spit it out, Rei!" Said Asuka with her spirit.
" I'm thinking about building clone factory."
The two of the rest of them can only facefaulted at the idea.
"...What?" Rei, what's actually lies on your head? Said Shinji in, well, his head.
" Are you out of your mind, Wondergirl? You know that we've had enough of those motherfucking clones on our mutherfucking show!"
Indeed. The clones are real, thanks to Anno's patented method acting. And as beings with no soul...and a brain of a monkey, they can do nothing but peeing all around the set. Also, it always thought that Shinji and other males...packages are bananas. Tasty bananas. Edible bananas. As of today, Makoto's still waiting for his operation schedule.
" Well, perhaps a clone factory is an oversimplifying, and i should've made myself clear. What i mean is a factory that will make a different kind of characters based on my DNA. I heard from critics that my character's popularity's going to defined the anime industry and created a new template character."
" Heh. For someone who solely exist as a plot device, that's a huge achievement." Said Asuka salty, although without any real hatred.
" Perhaps i must said that you have no reasons in the plot outside of fighting and getting depressed like the rest of us?"
" Hei! I was just joking, Ayanami!"
" Now, now, you two." Shinji decided to grown a spine and stop the catfight before it even begin. " Rei...that idea is crazy enough to work to...MAKE US RICH AS HELL!"
" ...Shinji?" Asuka is somehow amused and creeped out at the sudden outburst of the younger Ikari.
" I can see the future. Animes with chibi Ayanami. High School anime with aloof robot girl from outer space hanging out with high school physical god. Slice of life Animes with aloof blue haired girl. Oh, man, we're going to be so rich, we can buy Japan with our money and still have a pocket change to buy Australia. So, we're going to do it. Right, Asuka?"
" Well, i guess so."
" Good. And you, Rei?"
" Well..well..HELL YEAH!"
Not startled at all by the OOCness of Rei, since they've seen weirder shit, the three of them then walked out of the building, screaming " Show me the money" while doing cossacks. It's going to be bright future for them, after all.
And so, tons of moe characters were born. But real Ayanami's still the best.
Meanwhile, on the moon.
Anno's pissed. His master plan has been ruined by Ayanami Rei. Now, those darned otakus are left free to please themselves with Ayanami and Soryu's bed accessories, now that he's stuck in the moon with nothing but a twitching telephone box dancing breakdance around him.
Wait, what?
The telephone box then salivated on Anno, basically humping over him, and then spitted an american, wearing a black coat and a red necktie.
Needless to say, Anno is not amused at this weak attempt to copy the insanity that is called End of Evangelion.
" Hello, my name's Chris Hansen. Why don't you take a seat over there?"
Anno can do nothing but do what he ordered him to do. But then, he realized:
" What seat?"
Chris Hansen then realized something: He's on the moon.
" I thought you were fondling a naked 14 years old in a dark room on...Japan? Or hell, anywhere on earth?"
" I got bitchslapped by her to here. Also, she's actually 18."
" Oh. Dawson casting?"
" Yeah. You found it on TV tropes?"
" Yeah, man. It's addictive. I clicked like 50 links everyday."
" Still better than ejaculating on the dolls."
" So...what's my purpose here?"
" Look, i don't have any time to explain this lunacy, so why don't you talk with that phone booth over there? That thing just humped me and scared me for life much more than Nadia's production already. You may got your best material from it instead!"
Chris Hansen can only look at the phonebooth for 5 minutes, before he ate it by himself, regurgated flying toasters with jetpack from his stomach. Those toasters then vomitted rainbows all over the space, created rainbow bridge that connected all solar system to the moon. All thing that Anno knew from all these bullshit is that he shouldn't have skipped his medicine doses at this time. It's only going to looks worse from here.