Rating: R
Summary: Chakotay finds a new avocation to fill the void left by Kathryn after he lets her go. She's not happy. Things happen. Some angst.
Author's note: This may be an example of what a fellow writer described as self-indulgent fiction. Heartfelt thanks to my etching teachers for showing me the fun of intense process.
Copyright April 2001 Cassatt
Intaglio n. pl. glios ... (1) c. printing done from a plate in which the image is sunk below the surface. [graphic technique raised to an art form by German artists in mid to late 1400's
Chakotay finished replicating the last of the items he needed with a sigh of satisfaction. He packed them in the bag, pulled on his boots and left his quarters. His holodeck time started in five minutes and he had no intention of being late. When Kathryn ran into him in the corridor he did his best to brush her off as pleasantly as possible.
"Chakotay, I thought we might have some tea. Talk about the party next week." She smiled sincerely but he chose to ignore the effect it had deep in his solar plexus.
"I'm sorry, Captain, but I have holodeck time reserved and I'm almost late. Perhaps tomorrow, lunch?" He waited just long enough for her to acknowledge the appointment before walking quickly to the turbolift. He certainly wouldn't call it a date.
Kathryn heard his use of her title with a sinking heart. She watched him enter the lift, his eyes looking everywhere but into hers. She crossed her arms tightly, turned and entered her quarters. Holodeck time. Dressed in the clothes he wore five years ago. She noticed the bag he carried. Some black smudges on his shirt. How he looked in the belt. How his eyes were sparkling. But not for her.
She didn't really mean to do it, but found herself sitting in front of the computer console drinking coffee, hacking into the holodeck databases. After the experience of Seven using a holographic image of Chakotay a few months previous, Kathryn felt an undeniable need to follow up on any uncomfortable feeling she got from a crew member seeming a bit too interested in their holodeck time. It really had nothing to do with the fact this was Chakotay and she had just been snubbed. Really.
Access denied. Command code required. She input her command codes one by one but none of them worked. She prodded a little further. Encrypted?! A holodeck program? Now her curiosity was beyond peaked. And the ache in her stomach reminded her of what she had discovered after accessing Seven's program. Still she persevered. She remembered a command code Chakotay named after the Maquis and tried it.
Holodeck program Chakotay 1472. Workshop two. Holocharacters: 1. Kathryn Janeway. 2. Albrecht Duerer. Access of personality subroutines denied.
So. He had made a hologram. Of her. She checked the physical parameters. The hologram wore her clothing of five years before. Her heart began to flutter.
Chakotay engaged the privacy lock on holodeck one then sat down at the table, emptying his bag. Out came his tools, the copper plate, his carefully replicated paper both for preliminary work and the final product. He also pulled out an apron and the most exciting thing, to him, his tube of ink. All of this had cost him valuable replicator rations but he was certain it was worth it. His personal outlook had changed in the past two weeks since he had developed the holodeck program. For the better.
He still felt a slight ache in his heart at what he had lost. Opportunities. The woman he loved. Not to mention all he had lost even before this journey. And in looking recently for something to replace the hole in his chest he remembered Kathryn's da Vinci program. The man embodied everything Chakotay admired. A man who made the best of whatever situation he found himself in. Who defied authorities when necessary. Who created, and imagined possibilities far beyond the physical parameters he lived in. He accessed the program and went looking for something he had noticed years before. A print hanging on the wall just inside the doorway. He and da Vinci had a long talk about it. He felt his juices begin to flow. He studied everything he could, even created a holographic print master to teach him.
In a way, it reminded him of the woodworking he had done on New Earth. The carvings. The attention to craftsmanship, to detail. He took to engraving like the proverbial duck to water. But now he was going to use real materials rather than holographic ones. To have something permanent. His alone to keep for ever.
Kathryn had barely gotten the blue dress on when she felt the shimmer of the transporter beam. She hadn't had time for shoes and hoped it wouldn't confuse him.
"Computer, initiate holocharacter Kathryn Janeway," Chakotay repeated with a touch of frustration. He didn't have time to waste with a computer malfunction.
Suddenly, to his surprise, Kathryn was walking through the door of the workshop. She was supposed to appear in front of the window, as usual. Her personality subroutines must be expanding. This was something he hadn't counted on and hoped it wouldn't be troublesome.
He motioned her to the stool. "Sit, like yesterday, please," he instructed. She hesitated for a moment, then sat. Then he noticed her hair. "Computer, alter hair Kathryn three." Nothing happened.
Kathryn's heart stopped. She had forgotten to check the parameters for hair. She had no idea what hair style he had programmed, but clearly it wasn't her present one. This didn't surprise her, she'd always had the feeling he hated her recent hair style. In fact, she did too. It was just the most practical. She tried to remain passive, sitting and waiting to see what he'd do next.
She wasn't prepared. He asked the computer to create a brush then approached her and began to brush out her hair, gently, lovingly, muttering something about getting rid of the helmet. Words that she barely noticed for the feel of his hands running through her hair. Tears were pricking her eyelids and her heart was fluttering again. The most she could do was breathe. She felt herself relax into it and allowed it this time, closing her eyes.
He stopped brushing. She was afraid to open her eyes and look at him, certain her emotions would not be masked. So what he did next startled her even more. She felt him cup her face just as lovingly and gently as he had touched her hair. He turned her head slightly, then tucked her hair behind her left ear. Her heart was hammering now. His skin felt warm against her own. She was suddenly inundated with feelings and images, his hands moving from her cheeks down her neck... she stopped them immediately with a sharp intake of breath. She felt him move away. She risked opening her eyes to look at him.
"No," he said softly, "keep your head turned and tilted slightly down." He met the eyes of the hologram and had a momentary lapse of concentration. Her eyes quickly left his and he returned to the present. She didn't place her head correctly so he went to fix it, taking her chin in his hand. At that moment she met his eyes again. He felt himself wavering, as he had done the day before, wanting to steal a kiss, to feel what it might feel like to kiss Kathryn. No, no.
Kathryn saw his indecision, surprised on one hand. She watched his internal struggle, so plainly written across his features. Still not quite certain what her purpose in this holoprogram was, she was beginning to think it was not about New Earth, or even their relationship. It was something else entirely. Yet he didn't move a muscle, didn't release her chin or move her head. His face was inches from her own and he was staring at her mouth. She saw the decision made the nanosecond before his lips touched hers. Her stomach fell completely down to her toes while her heart leapt out of her chest. Stars were forming behind closed eyelids. She returned the kiss, powerless to do anything else even if it had occurred to her. Which it didn't. He suddenly pulled back, calling out sharply, "Computer, freeze program!"
She didn't move. She watched Chakotay out of the corner of her eye. He was running his hand through his hair harshly, pacing back and forth in front of the table, muttering loud enough for her to hear.
"Damn it, Chakotay, what the hell are you doing...thinking this is okay! You know you don't do holosex..." He sat heavily down on his stool and put his head in his hands. "Everyone else on this damned ship does it, including her... should never have encouraged that... think that because she does it that makes it okay for you to use her, too? Damn."
Kathryn's heart was once again hammering, her emotions in complete turmoil. She briefly realized that she still was able to maintain the facade of a frozen holographic program. This thought did not comfort her.
Chakotay took a deep breath, forgave himself for the lapse of judgment and focused on the table top. On his tools. His unfinished drawing.
"Computer, continue program." He got up, turned the hologram's head in the direction he needed, fixed her hair one more time, instructed her to lower her eyes, adjusted the light source and returned to his stool. He picked up his drawing and began to work.
Kathryn saw out of the corner of her eye what he was doing. Making a portrait of her. She knew that her emotional control was almost nonexistent. She felt tears filling her eyes and willed them to stay in place and not fall. He had lied to her last year, convinced her to pursue her 'romance' with holo-Michael, though he found the whole thing distasteful. Likely more than distasteful. He convinced her because he cared about her. He still loved her. Still. After everything she had put him through. Still. Her mind wandered over the past seven years and settled squarely on him. He thought she had holosex with Michael. How could she bring up the topic, now, after all this time? How could she tell him the truth? How could she tell him how important he was, how much a part of her he was, how much she needed him? Now, after all this time? She wanted to run out of the holodeck and go back to her quarters, bury herself under her covers and give in to the turmoil...
He finished the drawing fairly quickly and told the hologram she could get up. She seemed a bit more fidgety than the day before. Perhaps he would need to purge some of the personality subroutines if he planned to continue to use her as a model. He barely noticed what she was doing as he prepared to transfer his drawing to the copper plate. It wasn't until he had run the plate and tracing through the press that he realized she hadn't moved from the area in front of the window. She was watching his every move. It made him quite uncomfortable and he ordered the computer to shut down her program. But she didn't leave, only fidgeted some more, standing in front of the window, watching him. He sighed. His holo-programming skills definitely needed improvement.
He returned to his work table, deciding to ignore her, and began to work on the engraving. He still had another two hours of time and hoped he could get the plate engraved and one proof done before bed. As he worked his mind returned to the kiss. He was amazed that it felt so real, that his heart had become involved, his stomach had turned over, his lips tingled. He could easily imagine he had been kissing Kathryn. How disgusting was that, he asked himself. He could have sworn he even tasted coffee but decided that clearly was just part of his overactive imagination.
"Would you like some tea?" The hologram was standing next to him now.
She could make tea? It certainly wasn't Kathryn then, he laughed to himself. "That would be nice, thank you. There's a container in the cupboard over the stove that says "5". Just put a teaspoon of that into the ball for me. Help yourself to anything you find."
"I'll give it a try," she answered with a small smile.
"Thank you." He returned the smile.
She wanted to touch him, to stroke his head, to tell him everything that was going on inside of her at that moment. She still felt his lips on hers. Still felt her stomach's reaction to the kiss. She was in deep deep trouble. He would never forgive her for intruding, for invading his private time and space. He could never know what they had shared so briefly.
She went into the kitchen area and began the tea preparations. With some privacy, she allowed herself to release some of the pent up tears, kicking herself for her curiosity, for her need to know everything that everyone did on the ship. She still wondered if the picture of her was something symbolic or just something he wanted to do for himself. He had images of her already. So would she ask him, or let it go. She already found out more than she'd planned.
Chakotay was handed a steaming cup of tea which smelled wonderful. His number five blend always reminded him of his mother. He found himself unconsciously smiling as he sipped.
"So the tea is good?" holo-Kathryn asked him.
"It's very good. Thank you again. I didn't know you could make tea..."
"I can boil water," she replied a little defensively.
He was startled at how like Kathryn she was. "I apologize. Of course, you can, here's the proof," he assured her, trying to give her a warm smile which he only partially felt. He sipped again and studied the copper plate, thinking about how to render her hair.
"So what are you doing?"
"Doing? At the moment or the project as a whole?" He thought it kind of an inexact question for a programmed being.
"Why are you making a picture of me?"
He studied her over the rim of his mug. What could it hurt to answer truthfully, he thought. Kathryn would never know what he said here. "Well, I'm making a picture of Ka...you for a couple of reasons. First, I needed to have some direction to my life, and I was interested in printmaking, so I asked Mr. da Vinci for some advice. He told me what he knew and introduced me to a great printmaker, who taught me the rest. Secondly, I, um, wanted to create something special with, you, something I would always have - that no one could take away from me. For a while there I used to dream that I would have...children, and that you would be their mother. But, well, now I know that will never happen. I found letting go of that dream was very difficult. So I decided that we would create something together instead. With the added bonus that I'd have an image of you to keep forever. Understand?" He really didn't expect her to.
And he really really didn't expect the reaction he got. The hologram turned away rapidly and left the workshop, slamming the door behind her. After a stunned minute he got up to follow, why - he wasn't sure. He didn't find her anywhere in the woods. He was at a loss to explain how she had managed to disappear. It wasn't like she could end her own program. But he had work to do. He returned to his copper image, gouging out lines and shapes with energy and focus. Unfortunately, he didn't finish in time to print a proof. That would have to wait until the next night. He knew there was more holodeck time available, even though it was during gamma shift. He'd just nap for a few hours after work. He didn't care if he'd be tired on the bridge the following morning.
In the corridor outside holodeck one Kathryn suddenly remembered she had no shoes on. She asked for a site to site quickly and with relief she materialized in her quarters. She felt nothing, she kept telling herself that, as she filled her tub with hot water and lots of salts. She felt nothing as she stripped, tossing the blue dress on the bed unceremoniously. Or as she put her hair up off her neck and got out a new towel. Even with tears falling down her cheeks she felt nothing. She listened to herself right up until the moment the hot water soothed her into complete relaxation. Then it all came crashing down around her.
Chakotay loved her. Had loved her. Or still loved her. Deeply. Unconditionally. More than she had admitted to herself. Much more. He had done whatever she needed him to do. Even to the point of letting her go. For good. Except now she had kissed him and been kissed by him. Now he had awakened something deep within her. Something she had denied for too long. Now when it was too late, she learned what she had missed. What she had denied them both. She cried until the water cooled, pulled herself out of the tub and fell into bed without even putting a gown on. She didn't care, she just wanted oblivion as soon as possible.
Part Two
Within an hour of beginning, alpha shift on the bridge the next day became something merely to endure by both members of the command team. For Kathryn's part, she had on her Captain's mask, firmly, definitely, unalterably. Seeing Chakotay arrive on the bridge giving a pleasant good morning to everyone, her heart thudded to a stop until she begged it to beat again. He greeted her just as pleasantly as everyone else. She answered him with a clipped response then retreated to her sanctuary.
Chakotay looked at the closing ready room doors with a little dismay. Kathryn had certainly seemed in a very bad mood and he knew it was his job to try and find out what the problem was. They were traversing a very quiet part of space so there was no crisis that could be upsetting her. If it was a personnel problem it was up to him to fix it. If it was something personal, he was her closest friend so it was up to him to offer an ear. He reluctantly rang her chime, not exactly in a mood to comfort.
She granted him entrance. Their conversation went downhill rather quickly. Once she bit his head off for asking if she was all right he mentally threw up his hands in frustration. He offered that perhaps Neelix would be the best person to discuss the upcoming party. She got even more angry. He decided retreat was the better part of valor and told her he'd be taking a walk during his lunch time, then left the ready room without being dismissed.
He plopped himself down in his command chair and ended up biting off Tom's head when the helmsman turned around and commented on the morning ambiance of the bridge. Chakotay made a decision to survive the day as quietly as he could, reserving his energies for the work he planned to do later that night.
Kathryn looked at the closed ready room doors and kicked herself. Hard. She considered taking a PADD and hitting herself over the head with it. She also considered calling him back to apologize. She was fully aware that her reactions to him were based solely on the fact that she was dying of grief deep inside herself. Would that she could turn back the clock about three or four years and take the opportunities she had been given with an open heart. She almost felt as though she would sell her soul for the chance. Not a good place for a starship Captain to be.
She tried to drink another cup of coffee, but for the first time in a long time it tasted lousy. The bitterness sat sourly on her tongue. She just couldn't stop herself from feeling like crying. All the time. It disgusted her. She dumped the cup into recycling and left the ready room. Chakotay would barely meet her eyes and seeing that her throat closed. She managed to choke out an order that he was to keep bridge command, she was going to the mess hall. He merely nodded in response.
Neelix greeted her with his usual enthusiasm, having finished with the breakfast rush and taking a small breather, leisurely cutting up fruit in the galley. She declined his offer of coffee, joining him behind the counter, sitting on a stool. He raised his eyebrows in surprise at her uncharacteristically casual pose.
"Don't worry, Neelix, I'm just feeling a bit tired out today," she assured him.
"Didn't get much sleep?"
"I did. Maybe it wasn't restful enough."
"Captain, are you all right?" He could see that she wasn't, but he couldn't put his finger on what was off. He didn't believe it was fatigue. She had existed and thrived on much less rest than what she likely got last night.
She saw red. Was she that obvious? Couldn't she keep her emotional state hidden for more than a couple of hours? How would she make it through the day... "I'm fine, damn it! And I wish everyone would stop asking me that!" As soon as the words were out of her mouth she wished for the flagellating PADD again. Maybe one of his spoons would do the trick, she thought.
"I apologize, ma'am. And, pardon the intrusion, if you feel the need to talk, my galley is open, any time. Now, what can I do for you this morning?"
She was touched by his offer, tempted to take him up on it. He probably could relate to her situation, having lost Kes, twice. "I'm the one who should apologize Neelix. I just need... some time, to sort through a few personal... issues. I wish I could take you up on your offer, but it would be inappropriate. But thank you. So what you can do for me is to discuss the party next week..."
Neelix knew immediately that her issues involved the commander. He saw her struggle to keep tears from forming. Perhaps he would discretely mention something to the First Officer. If Commander Chakotay was hurting the Captain, Neelix would not stand for it. No matter what was appropriate.
"Captain to the bridge," Chakotay's urgent voice came over the comm.
Kathryn's adrenaline began to pump as she tapped her chest. "On my way." In the turbolift she felt like screaming. How could the day get worse?
Once on the bridge she got her answer. "Report," she barked. Chakotay stood and turned, addressing her as she came down the steps.
"Three alien ships are hailing us. Claiming we have violated their space. Their weapons are charged, our shields have been raised only in response. They appear to be uninterested in negotiating with me, but would like to discuss it with you nonetheless. I take that as a good sign, Captain."
"I'd agree with you there, Chakotay. Although why can't we ever get through a sector without someone claiming they own it?" She raised her hand in resignation. "I know, I know, rhetorical only." She actually saw a smile forming on his face and felt a warm glow at the sight of one dimple. "Harry, open a channel."
"Open, Captain."
An extremely elongated face, slightly orange in color appeared on the viewscreen. "I am Famee'ra of the High Order Wo'ela. You have violated our sovereign space. What explanation do you give?"
"I am Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. I apologize for our violation. We were ignorant of your sovereignty and beg your forgiveness. Is there any way we can negotiate our way through this sector? We are very far from our home planet and are merely trying to return, our journey is years long, sir." She crossed fingers inside her folded arms.
"Negotiations can proceed under the following conditions. You and your next highest ranking officer will come to our planet. Just the two highest officers."
Kathryn looked at Chakotay. His face was unreadable but he met her eyes clearly. She dreaded being alone with him. She could feel the disapproval coming from Tuvok's direction and understood his concerns. She addressed the alien again.
"Would you send data giving us the exact boundaries of your sovereign space? Then we can make an informed decision, sir."
"Of course." Famee'ra looked off screen and the sounds of Voyager's computer responding were heard. Kathryn turned to Harry.
"Captain, it would take us approximately 1 year, 4 months to circumnavigate the sector. Two months to traverse it on the course we've plotted."
She nodded and met Chakotay's eyes again. He raised his eyebrows and shrugged slightly. "Seems like a no-brainer, Captain." She had to agree.
"Very well, Mr. Famee'ra. My first officer, Commander Chakotay, and I will come to your planet to negotiate. Please transmit the coordinates at your convenience."
"You will be welcome, Captain Janeway, and I send warm wishes that strong relations will be forged during your meetings. Wo'ela two-three out." The screen went blank.
She felt the beginnings of a bad headache as Tuvok's voice was heard. "Captain, Commander, I must voice my concern that the two highest officers leaving the ship goes against Starfleet regulations." She turned around.
"I understand Tuvok. If there were any other way I'd do it. There's not. I trust you will do the best you can to secure our safety, as always. Chakotay, as soon as the coordinates are plotted, set a course and come to my ready room. Gentlemen, the bridge is yours." She retreated as quickly as possible, noticing that Chakotay had said not a word once the decision was made. He likely was wishing he would be doing anything other than spending the day and possibly evening in her company. She pulled out a hypospray from her desk drawer and injected herself with a pre-approved pain killer.
Chakotay wasn't sure how he felt about the day ahead. Spending time alone with Kathryn was always challenging, emotionally, and being her protector under these circumstances highly stressful. He was still feeling slightly guilty for what he'd done with the holographic projection of her the night before, ashamed he had shown such little control. During the last half hour, memories of the kiss had begun to haunt him, and feelings he had long buried overwhelmed him whenever Kathryn stepped close, or looked him in the eye. Afraid she could read him easily, he concentrated on keeping his face as stony as possible. Gods, this day could be excruciating.
"Commander, I've got the coordinates, we should arrive in one hour at warp 4," Harry called from Ops.
"Harry, Tom, you know what to do. Warp 4. And let's start scanning as soon as we can, keeping shields up." He took a deep breath and headed for the ready room.
The doors opened and his first vision was Kathryn with her head in her hands, elbows on her desk. She looked up quickly and greeted him as he sat.
"Captain, I'm almost afraid to ask..."
"Because I'll bite your head off?" She smiled slightly, grateful to see the smile returned.
"Yes, something like that. But I'll brave it this time. Are you all right?"
"I'm not sure how to answer that, Chakotay," she said too truthfully. "I have the beginnings of a headache. And, well, I really don't want to negotiate with aliens today..."
He chuckled. "Just another day in the Delta Quadrant. I'm sorry about your headache. A trip to sickbay..."
She interrupted him. "Already taken care of. The Doctor consented to give me a pain killer to keep in my desk. So how long until we get there?"
"About an hour."
"I think we should pack a bag, don't you? This may take awhile..." She watched him mentally leave her for a moment or two. "Did you have plans for tonight?"
He knew she was right and he was very disappointed. "No," he lied. He'd try and rebook the holodeck for the following night to be safe.
She knew he was lying. He probably had more holodeck time set aside. She wasn't at all sure how she felt about it. She knew one thing, however, she was hurt that he lied. How had things gotten so terrible between them? She knew the answer, just didn't see any way around it all. This day was going to be very difficult.
Part Three
The planet was, luckily, M class. The Wo'ela had a complex society, with hereditary royalty ruling a class based social structure. They had one monotheistic religion, yet were as technologically advanced as the Federation. The one thing the Wo'ela authorities had not shared with their new Federation acquaintances was the fact they were telepathic.
Kathryn and Chakotay were shown directly to the monarch's counsel chambers. They were greeted by three aliens, two of whom they assumed were male only because of the lack of hair on their heads and flat chests. The third one had yellow hair and what appeared to be small breasts. The universal translator had difficulties with their titles, but not of the fourth alien in the room, the one sitting on a large chair. This was Queen Dam'ron. She wore a large, jeweled pendant around her neck but that was the only distinctive difference shown. She also had yellow hair, though with silver streaks in it and looking closely one could detect small lines etched into the orange skin of her face. She waved the three greeters out of the room.
"Welcome, Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay, to my planet. Let me first thank you for the restraint shown to my guard ships. No weapons were fired. From what I've been told any fight would have been quite equal in force."
"Our policy is to always try diplomacy first, force second. I appreciate your restraint as well, there are more than a few species in this quadrant who don't see things as you do," Kathryn answered her in her best Captain's mode.
"Quite true, Captain." The Queen rose from her chair and motioned them to follow her. They went through a different door to a room much more comfortable in appearance. She told them to leave their bags and brought them to some soft chairs surrounding a low table. Fabrics which looked like brocade upholstered much of the furniture. There were alien looking weapons hanging on the walls, as well as artwork depicting the Deity they were told about. At least that's the image they assumed was being portrayed. After sitting, the Queen touched her pendant and an alien looking very much younger than the others came in with a tray and drinks. He poured their cups and retreated. She picked up two cups, handing them over.
Chakotay pulled out his tricorder. "Sovereign, I ask your permission to be certain these are safe for us to consume?" She nodded with a smile. The scans proved benign. They sipped the neon pink beverage along with the Queen. It was slightly sweet and surprisingly refreshing.
"So, Federation people, you wonder what it is that can be offered for safe passage through our sector," the Queen began. "We have no need for technology, or foodstuffs, or even people."
Kathryn glanced sharply at Chakotay, both thinking of the hell of Quarro.
"What we do have need of is knowledge, knowledge of other cultures, of other worlds, and in that regard, I think you may be able to provide us with many many hours of discussion. We have never met any peoples from as far away as you claim."
Again they looked at each other. This seemed too easy. "Sovereign," Kathryn spoke first, "I must ask you, what would this knowledge be used for?"
"Used for?"
"Yes, will it be only used as a curious distraction for your intellectuals, or will it be used to, say, learn new ways of dominating other races? For the entire history of my planet has periods of what we now call 'unenlightenment' - times where races and cultures were destroyed. I have to be careful of what happens to the information once we give it. We have an ultimate protocol that we try to adhere to. Our Prime Directive."
"Yes, your Prime Directive is interesting, is it not? I know all about it. I don't think our discussions will violate it."
Chakotay felt uneasy at this admission. "How do you know of the Prime Directive?"
"We've heard of it from some others here in this part of space."
He wasn't certain he believed her, but he also wasn't certain why.
"Besides, perhaps I am leading you a bit astray. I do not wish to discuss your entire world's history, only one particular topic today. One that we are in the midst of a bit of disagreement about. Some parts of my society have one opinion, I have another which, of course, is the ultimate law. However, I am not entirely without a curious mind. I'd like to know how this issue is and has been dealt with in your history. Perhaps I may learn something. Perhaps you will?"
This sounded a bit better to Kathryn. "What topic?"
"Representational expression."
Again, it appeared the universal translator was having some difficulties. Kathryn looked at Chakotay, meeting his eyes for a moment and they both understood at the same time. She turned back to the Queen. "I'm afraid that terminology is foreign to us. We believe you are referring to what we call 'art'? The depictions you have on your walls here?"
Dam'ron smiled as broadly as a very narrow face would allow. "Yes. What an odd word for it, but it appears as though we understand each other. Art. And so what do you call those who produce the art?"
"Artists. And you?"
"Makers. So - we have an understanding. Excellent! Are you in need of nourishment?"
By now it was actually well past lunch time and they both nodded. Once again, they were led to another room, where they sat around a table and food was brought in, scanned and deemed acceptable. The Queen did not pursue the art topic while they were eating, but asked them many questions about their journey, sharing very little in return about her society that they didn't already know. It wasn't until they were finished and returned to the comfortable room that the actual discussion began.
"So you see," Dam'ron was trying to explain, "I believe that the makers need to follow the highest law we have. Their expressions should only be of the Deity, there is no other purpose to aspire to. Makers are but a conduit for the Deity. It is clearly written in the Great Tome."
Kathryn sighed deeply. Her knowledge of art history was not the best. She was aware that Chakotay had the same opinions about art for art's sake as she did and didn't know how knowledgeable he was either. This could be a very long afternoon and night. Chakotay spoke up in the lull.
"Sovereign, I'm afraid my expertise in art history is quite limited. Do you have a computer interface we can use to access the ship's database? I know there are some periods in Earth history that may be of interest to you," he said in his most charming manner.
"Of course, of course, come right over here..." She led them to a wall, tapped what appeared to be nothing and a panel lit up. Tapping again, the wall dropped silently and a console became visible. She touched the console a few times while Kathryn called Harry over the comm. The Queen agreed to let Voyager upload rather than having her computer tap into the ship's database, to both Kathryn and Chakotay's relief. Explaining a breach of security that great to Tuvok would not have been pleasant. Harry uploaded everything he could find on art history, both ancient and modern.
Queen Dam'ron pulled out a few smaller consoles and brought them to the low table. They attached their tricorders to them to act as a translator and the discussion began. They showed her artwork from the times of the Medieval period and into the Renaissance, when religious iconography was the acceptable art form. They discussed da Vinci and his protests, his visions, his creativity that was centuries ahead of his time. They discussed what happened after the Medieval and Renaissance periods. This part of the discussion went on for hours.
The Queen was adamant in her beliefs but listened when they showed her what happened when creativities were subsequently unleashed once religious restraints were gone. She seemed unconvinced. Chakotay brought the Impressionists in, talking about how they were viewed during their time as radicals, laughed at and ridiculed for their vision. How their work was idolized in the following centuries. As an example of creativity. The purity of true creativity. He wasn't at all prepared for the Queen's next comment.
"Commander, maybe it would help me if you'd share a personal story. Why you create artwork," she said with a smile.
He didn't know what to say. Kathryn didn't know what he had been doing and he didn't want her to know. He was even more shocked at what he heard next.
"Queen Dam'ron, I apologize for the Commander, he's just a bit surprised - as I am. To answer your question, I believe he does it for personal pleasure and to create something of beauty. Two of the oldest reasons in our culture for creating artwork. His subject is not that beautiful but his work is. And it seems you've just let us know that your species is telepathic?" Kathryn deliberately did not meet Chakotay's eyes. Taking a year and two months off their journey was more important than whatever trouble this would make between them. More trouble than they already had, that is. Although what could be more trouble than the end of a future together?
The Queen made a noise. "Yes, we do possess some telepathic abilities..." In fact at the moment she was detecting some fairly strong emotions coming from these two new acquaintances. Very strong. Tumultuous. Angry. "Let's take a break from the discussion." She touched her pendant and the young man returned. "Please take our guests to their room. Captain, Commander, we'll resume this after dinner, which will be in an hour and a half, your time frame. Just relax until then." She watched the two of them following her servant out, refusing to meet each other's eyes. Maybe she misunderstood the visions she had seen earlier of the two of them kissing...
Part Four
Kathryn felt as though someone was literally sitting on her chest as she followed the young alien. The heaviness was almost unbearable. She stole glances at Chakotay, walking at her side. His face was more unreadable than ever. She could feel the anger however. She steeled herself, lifting her chin and putting her shoulders back. She would let him vent at her. If he would.
They were taken through one door, together. Kathryn's heart sank. Please, don't put us in one room, please. She only got a partial reprieve. There was one sitting area, with a soft couch and chairs and a balcony. Two bedrooms. One bathroom. The alien showed them how to contact him, how the water was to be accessed, how to adjust the temperature of the rooms. She thanked him and watched as the door closed. Turning around she saw that Chakotay had walked out to the balcony, where he stood leaning on the wall, looking out over the city. She took a few very deep breaths and went to join him.
He did not acknowledge her presence.
"Please Chakotay, talk to me." She faced him, but crossed her arms in self-protection. There had been so many times in their years together when the strain between them was horrific, but somehow this was worse. She felt as though they were standing on the edge of a cliff. One false step and it would all be over. Forever. She watched the emotions pass across his face, his eyes close briefly, his lips purse ever so slightly. He continued to stare at the view.
"You know, Kathryn, I thought I had accepted the almost complete lack of privacy on that ship years ago. I thought I had found a way to have some parts of my life... kept to myself. I guess I was wrong. I'll add it to the list." He wondered what would happen if he just climbed over the wall and tried to float away. Would he care if he survived? He had no idea what the hell he was feeling any longer. Numb had replaced the anger.
"What list?" She had to keep him talking, that was clear to her. Even if it hurt. She could see him start to shut down. "What list..."
He made an indecipherable noise. "The list of things that I've been proven wrong about. Some days it's quite long. Some days short."
"I don't think you're wrong about much."
"And I don't think you're being very truthful..." he answered, finally turning toward her. "But what the hell, right? You're the Captain, you can do whatever you want, rewrite history any way you want, find out what ever you want about anyone..."
She heard the rise in his voice and her heart began to pound even more loudly in her ears. "Chakotay, I..."
He interrupted her. "Why? Why did you pry, Kathryn? What do you think you know? You answered the Queen as though you knew exactly what I've been doing and why... I haven't told anyone. What the hell have you been up to?!" He knew that he was making no sense but he didn't care. The kiss floated through his mind but he quickly ignored the memory. Over the wall was looking good again...
"You're right. You deserve an explanation. I'll give it if you promise to do one thing."
He laughed derisively. "That figures. Okay, I'll bite. What?"
She knew she deserved that, yet still her eyes filled. She took another deep breath but couldn't look at him. "Please try and remember that I ... care very much about you. I would never deliberately hurt you."
He hit the wall with the palm of his hand, grateful to feel the sting. He figured she thought that taking a knife and slowly, over the course of years, turning it in his heart didn't constitute pain inflicted. He shook his head to clear the vision and the ache in his chest. "I'll try and remember that," he answered her finally.
She didn't want to talk to him there. She reached out and took his hand, her throat tightening at the feel of him, and gently pulled him inside to sit with her on the couch. She thanked the gods above that he allowed it. He sat next to her with his hands clasped between his knees and waited. She felt the tip of a phaser touch her temple.
"Chakotay, I don't know how to say this, so I'm just going to try and get it out." She cleared her throat. "Last night, when I asked you in for tea and you refused, well, I got a little worried. I can't tell you why and it really doesn't matter anyhow. What matters is what I did about it. I... I hacked into the holodeck database. I found your program..." She watched him turn away from her with a small shake of his head, then prop his chin on his thumbs, covering his mouth and nose with his hands, trying to breathe. She hesitated, then continued. "I, I noticed that you had created a hologram of me, and that worried me some more, and made me curious when I saw what you had me wearing, what you were wearing, so, well, so I programmed the computer to delete the holographic me and arranged for a transport into the holodeck whenever you called up the character." She stopped and waited for the reaction.
He turned slowly toward her, his eyes like steel, deep, black steel. "You did what?" She had never heard his voice so low.
Chakotay briefly wondered how he was able to continue sitting there next to her. He really wasn't sure he understood her correctly.
"Chakotay, I... it was me, last night, in your workshop..." She could feel tears rolling down her cheeks and hadn't even realized they were being formed.
"You were there instead of the holographic you..." As the reality sunk in he got up, leaving the couch, needing to move, wanting to hit something, anything. He found himself pacing and glancing at Kathryn he saw her head was down in her hands. It looked as though she was crying. That made no sense to him. Why she'd be crying. It only made him angrier.
"Please, yell at me, say something, do something," she cried out, raising her eyes to his. "Please..."
He snapped. "What can I say, Kathryn," he yelled. "You invaded my privacy, you took the last thing I had that was mine, all mine, and played with it. Did you enjoy yourself?!" The kiss suddenly came back, in full force. He was mortified. And angrier. "You even let me kiss you, knowingly, you let me beat myself up for it! Is this when I'm supposed to remember that you care about me?!"
She jumped up, not caring that she was crying, only scared beyond belief that they were heading over the cliff. She grabbed his arm to stop his pacing but he shook her off. "Don't, Chakotay, don't. I can't give you excuses for what I did, I don't even know why I did it, not really. But, please, don't think that the kiss was something to be ashamed of, because it wasn't... it wasn't... it made all the difference...please..." She began to sob, she couldn't control it any longer, she just felt herself falling to her knees, knowing beyond a doubt that she couldn't fix this, she was heading down, through the air, waiting for the crash, but instead of her past life flashing before her it was her future, alone, that played out before her eyes...
He was stunned out of his anger. Kathryn was crumpled at his feet, sobbing, over him. He sank down slowly and took her by the shoulders, pulling her to him, drawn by some need, some force he could never quite let go of, wrapping his arms around her and holding her tightly as she collapsed against him. He cried with her until she put her arms around his chest, holding him just as tightly. Suddenly everything shifted.
Her lips and his began to kiss whatever was nearest, his chest, her hair, her forehead, his neck, her cheek, their lips together, finding each other, opening, tasting each other deeply. His hand tangled in her hair, holding her head, hers snaked back to his chest and up behind his head. She raised onto her knees and wrapped her arm around his neck, pulling herself even deeper into him. He held her as tightly as possible, feeling their hearts pounding against each other. Barriers crashed to the floor. They finally had to take some substantial breaths and broke the liplock, not letting go, she got both arms around his neck and put her head on his shoulder while he held her as he'd always dreamed of doing, even as she began to cry again, quietly.
"Sh-h-h, Kathryn, don't cry," he said softly in her ear.
"I'm sorry, Chakotay, I'm so sorry... I love you, please believe me..." She was beyond caring, needing him to know that, whatever happened.
Chakotay felt like shouting for joy. Instead he allowed his happiness to fill him up as he enjoyed the pure sensation of holding the woman he loved, knowing he could kiss her if he wanted to, touch her to be sure she was really there, love her as he'd always wanted to. And have her love him in return. He tested these concepts by running his hands up and down her back, and rather than her tensing up, she sighed and held him tighter. He let his hands roam lower and she moved slowly against him, sighing and kissing his neck softly. Physical desire was overwhelming them as the emotional trauma was calming down. Long ignored desire, now igniting with love freely expressed.
Kathryn pulled her head away from his neck and fell on his mouth, meeting his tongue with hers again, not wanting to or willing to stop tasting him, the heat surging through her body, centered between her legs, feeling almost desperate to make love with him. "Kathryn..." he said softly into her mouth.
"What..." she answered, nibbling on his lower lip.
"Look at me," he asked. She raised her eyes to his. Irises locked together, unwilling to be released. He stroked her cheek with his thumb, cupping her face. "I love you."
The blue ones became wet again. "Still?" She asked. "Last night you said..."
He put his thumb on her lips. "Sh-h-h. Yes. Still. Always. Last night I was explaining to what I thought was a hologram the trouble I had as I tried to let go of you. In my heart. I was lying to myself. After all, I had just given in to the temptation of kissing the hologram, wanting to know what it might feel like to kiss you. If I'd truly let go, there would've been no temptation."
"That kiss... it turned me completely upside down, Chakotay. By the time I went to bed, I was so sure that I'd lost you forever, that I'd blown every chance I was ever given. If you hadn't given in to temptation I don't know what would have happened."
"Well, I think we need to talk some more but... I don't want to right now. I think we have about a half hour or more until we're due for dinner?"
She broke eye contact to put her head back on his shoulder. She kissed his neck and ran her hand through his hair. She felt him holding her tightly and gently at the same time, marveling at how that could be. "I think my knees are dead," she said with a small chuckle. "But I don't want to move."
"Come on then, my legs are probably asleep, let's try and get to the couch. Get comfortable. We deserve a little break..."
So they took off jackets and boots and lay together on the couch, kissing both urgently and softly, slowly learning how their bodies felt to the touch, keeping the intense desire at bay for the most part, just being for then.
Part Five
Queen Dam'ron felt it as soon as they entered the room. Everything had changed between them. Though their primary thoughts were on the task at hand, and by extension her, behind each of their thoughts was an acute awareness of the other, with emotions of deep love flowing through it all. She didn't look too deeply, not wanting to intrude, but occasional visions of them being in each other's arms popped into her head at the most inopportune moments. Particularly during dinner, when conversation was fairly light, more talk about the ship Voyager, a bit more about their crew, their family as they referred to the group.
The discussion after dinner took up where it had abruptly left off earlier. Chakotay was very willing now to talk about why he had become interested in the creative process, how it related to his prior woodworking experiences. It seemed to him and to Kathryn that the Queen didn't quite understand how his description could apply to the makers of her planet, creating artworks dictated by a religious committee. She was correct, it didn't apply. Nor did she seem that interested in changing her rules to let it apply.
Kathryn wanted to know if these 'discussions' were actually getting Voyager through Wo'elan space or if the Queen just wanted some distraction from a dull life. She herself was having a hard enough time keeping her concentration on the issues being discussed. Her mind kept wandering to the man next to her, pleading passionately for the rights of artists to create what they want. She wondered if he believed her. She'd kept him at arm's length for so many years, how could he believe that she loved him? He'd given up, though not entirely by his explanation.
She contemplated what she could do to convince him. A bath together might do it. She could replicate him some copper plates, or give him some of her holodeck time. And tonight, no matter where they spent it, the night would be spent together. She hoped. She suddenly remembered the Queen was telepathic and felt a blush move across her face. Instantly she tried to block out all thoughts of Chakotay in her bed and return to the discussion around her.
Dam'ron and Chakotay were talking about creativity in technology and science. Her field of interest. And meeting his eye he winked and gave her a small smile, sending her mind off again. The Queen's voice brought her back.
"I'm tired and wish to end the discussion for tonight. We'll finish up after breakfast and I'll give you my decision at that time. Thank you both for a very enlightening day."
As they walked back to their guest quarters he took her hand in his, enjoying the freedom to do it. "I noticed you left us for awhile tonight, Kathryn."
"Yes, well, I'm afraid the Queen noticed as well. Unfortunately, she probably knew exactly where I went."
He laughed softly. "Oh? And you think I didn't?"
"I don't see how you could know..."
"Care to wager?"
"Who are you, Tom? Sure, I'll wager. How do you know I'll answer you honestly?"
"Because if you don't I'll be able to see it in your eyes and ..." Their door opened and they entered.
"And what?"
He turned toward her quickly, pushing her against the wall, pinning her there, his mouth descending to hers, kissing her deeply just long enough for a moan to come from her throat. He pulled back. "And then I'll sleep alone tonight..."
"I think that's what our pilot would call 'dirty pool'. Okay, tell me where I went then..."
"Hm-m-m, I believe you went first into that big bathtub behind us. With me. After that you fell into bed with me and you were bothered by thoughts of making passionate love..." He captured her mouth again, persuading her with his tongue that he knew exactly what he was talking about.
"Close enough," she conceded softly, her heart pounding in tandem with his, her body heat rising, her legs turning to jelly as his mouth traveled across her cheek and headed down her neck, pulling at her turtleneck with his teeth, nipping her earlobe. He was rotating his hips against hers, his hardness pushing into her lower lips and she felt a climax building, right there against the wall, fully clothed. What he could do to her was astounding, she thought dimly. She almost came as she wondered what being naked in bed with him was going to be like, if this was any indication.
"Kathryn..." he pleaded his case by just breathing her name into her ear.
"Yes... now, Chakotay..."
He picked her up and carried her to one of the beds as she unzipped his jacket and tugged at his tunics...
"You know, this bathtub is almost as big as the one in my quarters," she said as she floated back, pulling herself onto him until she had her arms around his neck and her body resting full length on his. The hot, soapy water caressed them, washed between them as they both were rocked in the slight current she had caused. He ran his hands down her back, then held her hips, pulling her against him as they kissed deeply, their bodies humming in tandem once more. She could feel his arousal begin again, could feel her own arousal spiraling just as quickly. Two hours making love in bed and here they were starting all over.
"Are you inviting me to join you in your bathtub when we get back?" He knew he was only partly kidding. They hadn't discussed the future yet, or what would actually happen when they were on the ship.
"Yes, I'm inviting you to my bathtub. To share it. With me. Together. Naked..." She rocked against him, pleased to hear his soft groan. "I don't want to give this up, not after everything we've been through to get here." She felt his marvelous hands moving up and down her body, closing her eyes at the sheer pleasure of his touch. "I'm not giving you up," she said as she opened them to look directly down into his deep brown ones. "I hope you feel the same..."
"Spirits, Kathryn, how can you even ask me that," he said softly, touching her face reverently. "I love you. But I'm not going to just do this once a week, or whenever it's convenient. I want to spend every night holding you, to wake up with you each morning. Telling people or not we can work out. But between you and me I don't want any confusion. You're the woman I want to spend the rest of my life loving. If that's not what you want tell me now."
She felt tears once more threatening, as she watched him openly hand her his heart. In so many ways he was much braver than she was. She vowed to tell him that over the years ahead. "I don't deserve you, Chakotay... but if you'll have me as I am, then yes, that's exactly what I want, too. I want to sleep in your arms every night and know that we're together, in every sense of the word. I don't know what to tell anyone either, let's just see how that goes. But I love you, madly, completely. Please believe me."
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tightly to him. "Thank you, Kathryn..." he whispered. She pulled her head back and smiled, then kissed him, falling deeper and deeper into him. They began to make heavier waves in the tub...
Part Six
The following night found Chakotay back on the holodeck in his workshop, finishing up the engraving of Kathryn. He looked at it with an entirely different perspective than when he started it. This was no longer the woman he lost. This was his lover. The emptiness in his chest, at first filled by this work, was now filled more fully by Kathryn. He bent to fix a few strands of hair that weren't quite right.
Lips softly caressed the back of his neck as a hand slid across his shoulder. "Computer, delete holocharacter Kathryn Janeway," he called out not raising his head.
"Very funny, mister..." Kathryn said, kissing the top of his head.
He looked up. "Oh, it's really you. Excuse me for the confusion." He grinned broadly.
"Ha ha. Here, I made you some tea. Number five."
He took the steaming mug and once again inhaled the aroma. "Thank you. So is that why you're here, to make me some tea? Wanted to prove to me that you could do it?"
She gave him a grinning version of the death glare. "Not exactly. Three reasons. One, I missed you. Two, I wanted to see the first proof be made. Three, we got a message from Queen Dam'ron."
"A message? I thought everything was taken care of this morning... but speaking of the proof, just a minute..." He got up, taking two pieces of his paper and putting them in a tub of water to soak. Returning, he saw the serious face she was wearing. "Okay, what's in the message? Did we misinterpret something? Do we have to go around this sector? What?"
Kathryn looked at him for another moment, then reached into her top and pulled out the small red jewel that was hanging on a chain around her neck. "You do have yours on, don't you?"
"Of course, she told us to never take it off. I hadn't decided whether to honor that request for the rest of my life or anything, but for now, it reminds me of us. I feel it against my chest under my uniform. It helped me get through today, on the bridge."
She smiled, hearing the reverence in his voice. How she had come to deserve such an honor she still wasn't quite sure. How he would react to what she was about to tell him, she really wasn't sure. She pulled the PADD from her pocket and handed it over. "Here. And before you read it, know that she sent it without encryption, to the bridge. Just after you left early. The entire bridge crew heard this."
He tapped the surface of the PADD and read. He didn't believe it. He read it again. He looked at Kathryn. Her arms were folded but she was smiling. She shrugged. "So," he said carefully, "the entire bridge crew heard this? How do you feel about that?"
"Well, I admit it was pretty embarrassing, especially without you there, or maybe that was a good thing, I don't know. Tuvok's eyebrows practically shot to the ceiling. Tom smirked but gave us his congratulations. Harry did the same, though he seemed a bit shy about it, then Tom..."
He interrupted this. "No, how do you feel about it?"
"I feel like a newly married woman, I guess. I just wish we'd known it was happening at the time. I've had an hour or so to let it sink in, and I admit, I'm pretty happy about it," she answered with a deep smile. "About the crew knowing? It doesn't bother me as much as I thought it might. At least we won't have to sneak around, hubby. How do you feel about it?"
His answer was to pull her into his arms and hold her tightly. He couldn't even find the words. His prayers had been answered.
"One more thing," she whispered in his ear, "Tuvok had to inform me that the marriage is legal and binding under Federation law."
"So perhaps the party next week should be renegotiated? A wedding reception instead?" He spoke before thinking and tensed, waiting for her response.
She pulled away and laughed. "That's a great idea! I'll go talk to Neelix right now, he'll be so excited..."
"Kathryn," he said, taking her face in his hands, "are you certain?"
She kissed the inside of his palm. "Absolutely. You are, aren't you?"
"Without a doubt."
"Good. So let me go and I'll be back in about a half hour. In time to see the proof done?" She leaned in and kissed him, deeply, passionately, finally pulling back.
He nodded and she turned and left. Shaking his head in disbelief, he looked back at his copper plate. He decided her eyes needed a little bit of a sparkle to them, and bent to the task.
The End.