in between the notes i sing (i'm thanking you for everything)
The first swell of music, soft and slow, wraps Kurt in a gentle embrace. He welcomes it, melts into it; it's all that's holding him together right now. He closes his eyes and lets himself feel the music, summoning the emotion from somewhere deep inside, maybe even someplace far beyond.
He thinks about all he's been through, everything it's taken him to get to this place, this here, this now. He savors the satisfaction, relishes the complete joy coursing throughout his body, making him tingle from the top of his perfectly coiffed head all the way down to his elegantly shoed toes. He's surrounded once again by the people he loves, in this place where he had very nearly lost himself entirely, only to find himself again - and not just that, but to be born anew, made whole for the first time in his life. It's all he can do not to sink to the floor and dissolve into tears.
The moment is upon him now. He imagines the kind and loving smiles of the friends seated before him as a spotlight, and a peace he's never felt before descends upon him. This must be what perfection feels like, he thinks - and then it's time for him to begin.
I don't know why I'm frightened – I know my way around here
The cardboard trees, the painted seas – the sound here
Yes, a world to rediscover – but I'm not in any hurry
And I need a moment...
Brittany has her head on Artie's shoulder; her eyes shine at him from across the room, radiating their customary warmth. Artie's smile has never been so wide, or so genuine. Their happiness is palpable. Kurt can feel it, draws it into himself, uses the emotional energy to power through the next lines. Inside, he's shaking, his gut's churning, he's sure his heart is about to burst with feeling - but his outside gives away nothing.
The whispered conversations – in overcrowded hallways
The atmosphere is thrilling here – as always...
Finn, his unlikely brother, and Quinn, the once-fallen blonde goddess, stare with rapt attention. Her hair cascades in golden waves against his arm. Her perfectly shaped lips are slightly open, as though she's receiving the words he's singing like a prayer, taking them into herself.
Kurt thinks she's never looked more beautiful. He must remember to tell her so later.
They all look beautiful, each and every one of them, these unexpected saviors. It had been their voices that had lifted him up when he'd been so close to falling into the deepest, darkest hole imaginable. Not that they knew, of course. Not that they would ever know.
Feel the early morning madness – and the magic in the making
Why, everything's as if we never said goodbye...
Behind Finn and Quinn, Mercedes watches him with a soft expression. Not smiling, but not sad, either. He'd missed her more than he could have possibly imagined during his time away from this place. Sometimes he thought she understood him better than anyone else; she shared his insatiable appetite for gossip, his love of fashion, his joy in all things fabulous. And she had been there for him in a way no one else had when his father had been so perilously close to leaving him, reaching out with a kind of spiritual love and care he'd never before experienced. Knowing her had taught him what it meant to find strength in something outside himself, and that was a lesson he knew he would treasure for the rest of his life.
Santana sits next to Mercedes, and the corners of her mouth are curled up in the faintest of proud smiles. Only she knows, on the deepest possible level, what he's been through, just how difficult his most troubled days here had been. She'd shown the truth of her heart, of who she really was, when she'd schemed and plotted and ultimately blackmailed his worst tormentor into agreeing to let him return – and not only that, but to lead an anti-bullying group that would ensure he'd never again suffer what he'd suffered before. Though she'd never admit it in front of the group, it was her fierce loyalty and relentless will to protect her friends that had been the ultimate key to him finding the way back here. Back to where he belonged. She'd never let him thank her the way he wanted to, with flowers and chocolates; no, that would be far too "mushy" for her. Santana didn't do sentimental. Her emotions, like Quinn's, ran deep, but silent.
He could only hope that she'd hear his gratitude in his voice, see it in his eyes, as he laid his soul bare in song.
I've spent so many mornings – just trying to resist you
I'm trembling now – you can't know how I've missed you
Missed the fairy-tale adventure – in this ever-spinning playground
We were young together...
His gaze finds Rachel's, and as always, he's struck by the kindness in her face. He realizes now that she is the sister of his soul, the one who knows his secret dreams and fears so intimately because they mirror her own. It is her determination, her ambition, and her drive for success that has made every single person in this room a better performer, a better singer, a better dancer; if he's being honest, just being in the presence of her talent has enhanced theirs. But more than that, it's the warmth of her open, giving spirit that's made them all better people. If Mercedes gives the group its soul, Rachel is its living, beating heart. It's true that no one wants things more than Rachel does; it's also true that no one cares more.
I'm coming out of make-up – the lights already burning
Not long until the cameras will start turning
And the early morning madness – and the magic in the making
Yes - everything's as if we never said goodbye
He looks back to Finn, with Quinn beside him. He knows they aren't meant to be together, that they won't last past high school, or even through the rest of it; and while that saddens him, he knows they're just too different to make things work as a couple. In the end, they're on two different levels, and she's in love with someone else, but too caught up in too many things to realize or admit it - but in this moment, they're united in their happiness for him, and it's enough to make his heart swell just a little bit more in his already over-full chest.
I don't want to be alone – that's all in the past
This world's waited long enough – I've come home at last!
Mike and Tina have their hands laced together, and he doesn't miss the way their fingers clench tighter as he belts out the thrilling, triumphant declaration at the heart of the song. It's the kind of subtle response he's come to know and love from them. Mike is as quiet as Tina is demonstrative, yet there's a certain symmetry to the way they are together. He's not entirely sure that they've got what it takes to see the other side of forever, but he's rooting for them to beat the odds just the same.
And this time will be BIGGER – and brighter than we knew it
So watch me fly – we all know I can do it
Could I stop my hands from shaking? Has there ever been a moment
With more to...live for?
Artie and Brittany continue to beam at him. He feels nearly overcome with gratitude for their presence in his life. Artie's cheerful refusal to let his disability be a limitation on his dreams in any way, shape or form has always been a source of inspiration to Kurt, just as Brittany's childlike innocence and enthusiasm make him want to always embrace the happiness in just being alive. Everyone knows, even the two of them, that Santana is Brittany's true love, that Artie's really only a placeholder as the two cheerleaders search for the way back to each other, but it's not going to keep the wheelchair-bound boy and the sweet blonde dancer from remaining friends for the rest of their lives.
They're all going to remain friends for the rest of their lives. If there's anything Kurt knows down to the marrow of his bones, to the very center of his being, it's that.
The whispered conversations – in overcrowded hallways
So much to say, not just today, but always
Yes – so much to say, but where were the words to say it all? He didn't lack for vocabulary – maybe he wasn't Rachel Berry, but he knew his way around a thesaurus – but at times like these, with the raw power of his own emotions threatening to overpower him, he was at a loss, nearly speechless. Only the music, only a song, could save him, keep him from disappearing into his own head, give him the means to say what he wanted to say, even if it meant borrowing the words from someone else.
We'll have early morning madness – we'll have magic in the making
Yes – everything's as if we never said goodbye
And there was Mr. Schuester, the man whose passion had brought this group of misfits and wayward souls together and transformed them into a family, as transfixed by his performance as the rest, as though he was seeing Kurt for the first time. And maybe he was. Maybe he saw each of them in a new way, a different way, every time they stood here in this room and sang their hearts out. Maybe he was learning as much from them as they were from him, a little more each day. Maybe they'd all been learning how to live, all together, one song, one note, one voice at a time.
And maybe in between all those songs, all those notes, they were thanking each other just for being there.
Yes – everything's as if we never said goodbye
We taught the world new ways to dream.
Yes, Kurt thinks, as the last note rings in the air and fades away into a split-second of silence, before his friends erupt from their seats, clapping and cheering in a standing ovation to rival any ever seen in a Broadway theater. This is definitely what perfection feels like.
They all surge forward to surround him, and he's lost in a crushing hug. He wants them never to let go.