Author's note: This is just a bit of fun. Smash Wiz Hits is based on Smash Hits which used to ask popstars very random questions back in the eighties. I dont own the rights to Harry Potter...obviously.
Voldemort: the Smash-Wiz Hits Interview
This Christmas you'd better hang on to your wizard hats because everyone's favourite Dark Lord is releasing a charity pop single! That's right, on December 21st 1996; Voldemort releases his first single, 'Voldemania'. We sent Smash-Wiz Hits reporter, Dave Gumpsey to interview the man (?) himself about life, love, dark magic and Wizard Chess. Here's how the brave reporter got on…
Arriving at Voldemort's headquarters is an intimidating experience to say the least. Upon arrival I am given a thorough examination by two large, hooded Death Eaters and forced to remove my 'Dumbledore Rocks!' T-shirt, despite my protests that I am wearing it simply to be ironic. After the Death Eaters were sure of my pure blood ancestry I was blind folded and led to Voldemort's lair.
Lounging on a chair made of bones and sipping some suspiciously red liquid, Voldemort refused to open the curtains for the duration of the interview. However, he appeared to be in high spirits as he cheekily pretended to perform the crucio curse on me before answering a series of questions:
I: So, Voldemort. You're getting pretty famous now. Do you ever get recognised on the street?
V: Ahem. You will address me as "My Lord", sonny. As to whether I get recognised, well I rarely venture out on to the streets anymore. After that terrible incident in Topshop where fifteen girls fainted, I decided to stay in and order my clothes off the internet.
I: So you don't go out at all?
V: Well, there's a very good Hag Bar down in Knockturn Alley, but I've been so busy lately, what with my evil plans and everything, so…
I: What do you do to unwind?
V: Oh, killings mostly. That's my favourite thing. I read a lot of dark books too, you know, the kind that scream when you open them. And chess. I play a mean game of Wizards chess. In fact, I've never been beaten. It's mostly because of their terrible fear of getting murdered but I like to think that sometimes its just pure talent!
I: So my Lord, what made you decide to bring out a charity single?
V: Oh, well you know I just thought there's so much rubbish in the charts, not like in the good old days. So I said to Snape, (we were watching an Oasis concert) I said "I could sing better than him!" It turned out that Snape was a pretty decent electric guitarist. We put Lucious on bass and allowed Wormtail to have a tambourine. Voila!
I: I understand that the charity you're raising money for is called 'Save the Death Eaters'. But aren't most of the Death Eaters already very rich?
V: That depends on what you mean by 'rich'. To me, 'rich' is someone with at least seven storeys on their house. Most of the Death Eaters don't even have five. Wormtail can't even afford a toothbrush! I mean, not that he's ever brushed his teeth anyway, but still…
I: Some have criticized your lyrics for being too controversial…
V: Oh most people are PC thugs! Just because I included the line "kill all the mudbloods", people have labelled me as this prejudiced, evil man. In reality, I don't care about your gender, race or sexuality, just so long as you are pure blood and you do anything I say. I mean, that's completely fair, isn't it?
I: Err… Your vocal style is quite unusual…
V: Isn't it? You know, the funny thing is that back in the day I had this really gravely voice, but for this record, Snape suggested that I go higher pitched and it just worked. Like Freddie Mercury. A really evil Freddie Mercury.
I: I hear you were in a band in your younger days. Is this true?
V: Oh yes, back in the fifties when I was fresh out of Hogwarts, a few of my accomplices and I formed a skiffle band called 'Flight From Death'. Believe it or not, at concerts we were supported by another band called 'the Quarrymen', who as we all know, later became 'the Beatles'. 'Flight From Death' split up after I murdered the bass player for playing a wrong note. Infuriatingly, I noticed that 'the Beatles' began stealing my songs, simply changing the lyrics slightly. For instance, 'All You Need Is Hate', 'She Hates You Yeah Yeah Yeah' and 'I Wanna Cut off Your Hand' were all created by me, until 'the Beatles' turned them into sentimental drivel. I was going to have them all killed but I got distracted by my horcrux plans.
I: What sort of music do you like then?
V: I like Gothic stuff and Heavy Metal. Anything about killings, really. Though I don't like songs about suicide. Why on earth would anyone actually want to die?
I: What are your plans for 1997?
V: I aim to cause some general havoc, kill lots of mudbloods and of course, murder Harry Potter. Oh and I'd like to get fit this year too, maybe join some dance classes.
I: What is it that you hate so much about Harry Potter?
V: Well, aside from him just being a general prat, he's thwarted me more times than I can count. He made me loose my powers! I'm also a tad jealous of all that hair he has…
I: Incidentally my Lord, what were you doing during the years that you didn't have a body?
V: Oh, I just wandered around a lot, really. I practiced my high pitched laugh and my stylist and I worked on my new look. I mean, this was quite an important time for me, really. I was still sporting the seventies look with flowery robes and long hair. Of course, when I got my body back I was quite buff, but unfortunately, I was bald: mega cringe! My stylist decided I should go for a more Gothic look with black robes for my day wear and a designer suit for appearing at premiers and in people's visions.
I: What eyeliner do you use?
V: Max Factor. It's the best. Actually, a lot of people think I wear a lot of white powder but it's just the lack of light! And no, before you ask, I haven't had a nose job. I didn't want a nose. Noses are so common: everyone has one, nowadays.
I: Now we're going to ask you a few random questions to find out about the real Dark Lord. First of all: have you ever kissed anyone?
V: Yes. It was awful. I was sick for days and days afterwards. It was someone I had to extract information from. And Bellatrix has kissed me a few times though I've crucioed her for it afterwards. Also…Once, me and the Death Eaters were playing truth or dare… I didn't want to admit to once showing mercy to a little girl…Well…Long story short…I had to kiss Wormtail. Of course, kissing is out of the question now that I have no lips, thank goodness!
I: What is your favourite book?
V: I'm a big fan of 'Pet Semetery' by Stephen King which explores the theme of people returning from the dead and becoming evil. It's a story I can really relate to.
I: What is your favourite film?
V: I hate films. What is the point in recreating destruction on screen when you can do it in real life? In saying that I do have rather a soft spot for 'ET'.
I: And finally my Lord, what is your most embarrassing moment?
V: Oh dear, well I don't even like to think of this but it happened at the graveyard when I got my body back. The crazy wand battle had just taken place and I was a little shaken. Harry Potter was running away to get back to the portkey and the Death Eaters were dong a terrible job of trying to catch him. Frustrated, I ran to catch him myself, but as you know, I wasn't wearing shoes or socks. Just as Potter disappeared with that body, I stubbed my big toe on a small grave stone. The pain was unbelievable. I thought: "is this what crucio feels like?" The Death Eaters were desperately trying not to laugh. Macnair let out a titter and he has regretted it to this day. So will you if you mention it to anyone.
I: Er, well thank you for talking to us, my Lord. This has been most illuminating. You've been very misunderstood in the press and I hope this interview shows people what an ordinary, fun-loving guy you are. I'll be sure to buy your single, 'Voldemania' when it comes out on the 21st of December.
V: You won't be alive at that time.
I: What?
V: Nothing. Nagini! Feeding time!
This is where Dave's interview ends. His tape recorder was found in a forest in Scotland, covered in blood. If anyone has any information as to Dave Gumpsey's whereabouts we urge you to contact the Ministry of Magic immediately. His family are extremely worried. Unfortunately, in light of the publication of this interview, Smash-Wiz Hits has had to close down for the time being. Voldemort did not want the transcript to be published and is on the lookout for anyone in possession of this article. There is some speculation that he only invited Dave to his headquarters as food for Nagini, and as a way to pass the time. We urge you to be discreet and keep this magazine out of sight. We felt obliged to bring you this article because it is better to laugh at Voldemort than to fear him.
This interview was brought to you in association with Potterwatch.
Until next time.
Keep each other safe.
Keep faith.
Support Harry Potter.