I do.
Two little words.
Two little words that can mean so much.
When Lorna was a child, she would dress up in her older sister's dresses, loop one of her grandmother's scarves over her head with a giggle, and throw rice all over the living room as she yelled, "I do, I do, I do!" and her sister sang the Wedding March tunelessly. Then her and her sister would collapse on the floor in a heap of giggles, joined by their imaginary husbands, who would quickly vanish when Lorna's mother appeared home and demanded to know why there was rice grained into her carpet.
When she was a teenager, she wore the promise ring that her boyfriend had got her for her sixteenth birthday on her left ring finger and flipped through wedding magazines that she spent all of her Saturday job's pay check on, sighing wistfully at all the beautiful blushing brides. Her boyfriend had broken up with her the next month, but the promise ring stayed exactly where it was.
And then when she was least expecting it, Vince came into her life. Tall, dark and handsome. Everything she had ever wanted in a man who didn't know anything about her – the perfect combination. A whirlwind romance had swept her off of her feet and made her forget all of her worries, made her smile in a time that she felt she would never smile again. Vincent – what was his middle name again...? - Muccio, her dream man.
So why, Lorna thought, twirling her wedding ring around her finger as she tried to sleep one night, why did the words I do make her think of Nicky?
Hot tears ran down her cheeks, smudging her once perfect eye makeup as Nicky stared down at her with those gentle brown eyes, hands that had touched every part of her body now cupping her face. Lorna shook her head, feeling resigned to her fate. "Nobody's gonna love me," she admitted, her voice tapering off at the end. Nicky's concern grew as she frowned at Lorna. People passed them on the stairs, probably wondering why they weren't hiding in the church or the broom closet like usual, but no, it wasn't like that this time. It was something real, something to hold onto in times of need.
Nicky brushes a stray tear away. "I do."
The morning arrived ahead of the answer to her question, and she was awoken by the morning light streaming in through her tiny window, casting shadows and light into the room. Lorna yawned, stretched, and then headed for the showers. Morning always came far too quickly for Lorna. She had always enjoyed sleeping and dreaming, a sweet escape from the harsh realities of the real world. And she had janitorial work to do this morning before everyone else awoke to have their showers and get ready for the day.
Dragging her mop and bucket nosily into the showers, she was given a fright by the curly haired misfit sitting on the sinks, her head leaning back against the mirrors. Upon hearing the clattering of cleaning instruments, she hadn't stirred. Lorna immediately dropped her tools and rushed over to Nicky. "Nicky?!"
She cupped her face in her hands, just like Nicky had done for her. Not drugs again, Lorna prayed, anything but those fucking drugs again. Nicky opened her eyes as she roughly pushed away Lorna's hands from her face. Her eyes, which were thankfully focussed on Lorna's own eyes, were full of fury. "What are you doing?" Nicky asks harshly, her stance changing from relaxed to defensive.
"Oh, thank God," Lorna breathes out, even though she knows Nicky is annoyed. "I thought you'd taken something again. You scared me."
"There's nothing to take around here. Well," Nicky says with a smirk that Lorna does not like the look of, "Nothing illegal."
"What are you talking about?"
"Soso doesn't like her anti-depressants." She shakes her head. "They don't do anything to your head, but you feel kind of numb for a while."
"So she gave them to you." Lorna states, her forehead creasing in anger. She catches sight of herself in the bathroom mirror, sans any makeup or hairstyling and laughs shakily, a bit too high pitched to be genuine. "Look at me, I'm a mess!"
Nicky frowns at Lorna but glances at the mirror, wondering what she could possibly be seeing that she didn't like. Even with no makeup and bedhair, Lorna still looked beautiful to her. And then she cursed herself, because who did she think she was, thinking sappy stuff like that?
In one fluid moment whilst Nicky seems preoccupied, Lorna slips her hand into the pocket of her hoodie and takes the packet of pills. Nicky's feeble attempts to snatch it back prove futile, and Lorna is somewhat relieved. Nicky could always take things from her if she wanted to. She was bigger and she was more ruthless.
"You don't need these." Lorna says firmly, pushing Nicky's hair back out of her eyes whilst Nicky stares ahead blankly. "You're not depressed."
"Everyone's depressed in here," Nicky insists. "It's a natural reaction. Have you had your head too far up your ass to realise that there's anti-suicide posters all around this place?" To prove her point, Nicky tears one from the wall, barely having to move to locate one. She hands it to Lorna, almost as a trade for her pills, an offer which Lorna does not take her up on.
"I'm not depressed." Lorna says, her voice full of hope and optimism. Nicky simply rolls her eyes. "I've got you."
"No," Nicky whispers harshly, her eyebrows raising. "No, you don't get to fucking say that. You've got Muccio."
"Nicky…" Lorna replies. "Please don't."
"Please don't what?" Nicky asks. "Don't act as if I'm not upset?" She shakes her head. "It's not always drugs, you know. Junkie addict liars still have feelings, eh, but you wouldn't know that."
Lorna stares at Nicky, regretting all those things she said to her out in the yard and sighing. She throws the pills down the toilet and flushes before turning back to her. "Nicky, I didn't mean those things.."
"Yeah. Yeah, you did." Nicky wipes her face with her sleeve and shakes her head, her usually kind brown eyes still blaring with anger. "And I meant what I said too. You're completely crazy. Especially if you don't know what you marrying Vince did to me. But you do know, don't you? You just don't care."
Lorna instantly locks eyes with Nicky. "That's not true. I do. I do," Lorna places her hands on Nicky's face, wiping away any tears that have betrayed her careless act. "I do."
Two little words.
Two little words that can mean so little when they're a little too late.
My third OITNB fic! I've been writing a lot since it's summer and I'm in love with this show and pairing. I also realise how much they swear when I'm writing this, haha. It's different for me and my writing, but I think it's important to keep them in character as much as I can at least. I hope you like this. Also, yes, that is a Taylor Swift quote at the last line. Sue me. (But please, if you're reading this Taylor, don't).
I also watched But I'm a Cheerleader yesterday which I loved so if you've seen it send me a PM!