A note from Izuki
Yo. It's about here that in a normal humour fic I'd be saying "No flames plox" or "This is my first fic, so be gentile!"Fact is, I'd like some flames for this if it deserves them. It'd make a change.For those of you visiting from you have seen this fic before. It's still mine, and I still don't expect Nintendo to really care about what I do in it.
Be warned, this fic contains many clichés, including (but not limited to):Unsuitable PairingsAdder getting beatenSturm rising from the deadand stuff.
This fic has reached chapter five back on AWN, and isn't likely to move from there anytime soon.
Final Warning: This is a humour fic. Isn't it better if (name deleted to protect the innocent) does (action deleted to protect the guilty) to (name deleted to protect me) here than in a serious story?
Because that would be disturbing...
However, I will keep the fic at the lowest rating I can. If I need to, I'll post any chapters with unsuitable material on another site, or add a warning tag.
Advance Wars: Random Edit-
Chapter 1: Just what is going on here?
"Get back here with my bagel!"
Not among the most imposing things for an evil overlord to scream, but at this point Sturm was beyond caring. He'd been shot at, attacked by his trusted second in command, kicked by some children, and finally used as a surrogate lamppost by one of Black Hole's many roaming dogs.
After summoning the energy to walk to Bates Motel and rent a room, the former commander had wandered downstairs, using the last of his money to buy a bagel (stale) and a milkshake (banana). A major problem came with the fact that Sturm wore a mask that stopped him from eating (he could still drink by pouring liquids down a special tube. Sturm did this, and promptly got brain-freeze.) Eventually deciding to keep the bagel as a weapon against further dog attacks, everyone's favourite evil overlord wandered upstairs and collapsed on the bed.
Which promptly broke, causing the dog that had been sleeping underneath to leave with Sturm's only weapon.
"WORMS!"
VVV&Don't you just hate page breaks?&VVV
Sturm had no way of knowing that the time he had mistaken for one planetary rotation was actually something closer to ninety of them. Or, to be more exact, the precise day after the squad of Orange Star soldiers sent to recover his metal plated cadaver had decided "Smeg this for a game of soldiers" and crossed the border into Omega Land, helping to strike the final blow against the Bolt Guard.
He also had no way of knowing that his trusted COs had, instead of turning on the traitor and destroying him (at the expense of their own lives) snuck out the back door or vanished into evil thin air depending on their experience at this kind of thing.
Hawke and Lash had taken the second option: vanishing and re-appearing in Omega Land's most evil room: Jugger's shower (fortunately for our not-so-evil commanders, Jugger was busy painting Kindle's nails at the time).
Adder had run screaming and waving his arms, slid (like a snake) down the banister, landed in a heap, and continued screaming until he crashed through the front window of Bates Motel. He was then forced to work as cook to pay back the damage, throwing Bates's "All our bread is cooked on site" policy into doubt.
Flak had managed to resist the temptation to "Nnnggrr! Braaaawrr! Smaarrrrgh!" everything in sight and after a short run of improbable adventures, begun work in The Lash Memorial Astrophysics Lab. When polishing the particle accelerator one evening, Flak somehow managed to generate a high velocity bowl of petunias within the Bates Motel kitchen, and a small whale precisely 200 metres above the lab. Flak and Adder both were severely injured by their ordeals, but Flak has had his body surgically removed and replaced with a tank, while Adder has been dipped in wax and put in a museum. The police don't have a clue.
VVV&Always turning up when you don't expect them&VVV
After a night of slightly unsettling dreams (you really don't want to know the details. And if you do, I won't tell you. One of those prophetic dreams.) Sturm wandered downstairs again. The police had set up a barrier around the serving hatch, so after a moment's thought Sturm checked out and began to wander the Island of Black Hole.
Black Hole had obviously changed since Sturm had last been the supreme commander. For one thing, the people weren't saluting as he passed. For another thing, the hourly performance of "All hail Sturm, he rules j00" had been cancelled. Thirdly, a giant fish had appeared and slapped Sturm in the mask.
"Aaaah! Don't do that!" Yelled the fish, clutching it's left fin.
"Aaaah! Don't do that!" Yelled the Sturm, clutching his mask. "This was only cleaned last week!"
The fish looked oddly at Black Hole's former commander. Sturm reciprocated to the oversized Salmon.
"Excuse me, you're a fish."
"Why, yes I am. I hadn't realised that."
Sturm sighed, releasing a small flow of blue smoke. The fish pouted.
"Don't get like that! I'm your conscience!"
Sturm wasn't impressed.
"But, "he cunningly muttered "You're a fish."
"I thought we'd established this bit already? I am your conscience and my shape does not matter. Ever met this Pinocchio kid?"
"Who?"
The fish smiled. He was going to enjoy telling this part.
VVV&This site really hates Page Breaks&VVV
"So Jiminy Cricket was really created by Lash in one of her insane inventing sprees when she was supposed to be reinforcing the Black Cannons so they didn't have such an obvious weak point but instead she created a series of evil consciences including a miniature giant space hamster and a one winged angel that all became good and broke free by using a time machine allowing the Russians to win the space race?"
The giant piscine conscience wiped his face with a flipper.
"Didn't I tell you not to repeat that?"
"Sorry."
The fish sighed.
"Basically, you've got some explaining to do. Black Hole's troops have ravaged Omega Land, and have destroyed it much more than you're allowed to do without updating your Overlord Permit to level 21."
"I've never been to Omega Land." Sturm replied.
"Verdant forests, clear blue oceans, massive desert made by an evil pillar of……evil? Ring a bell?"
"No. I've been asleep for three months apparently."
The fish looked embarrassed.
"Oh. Maybe I should refer this to Grand Badger…"
"Who?"
"Von Bolt's conscience."
"Who?"
"Your evil overlordish replacement."
VVV&So I've had to get creative&VVV
In a city in Omega Land there is a block of flats. At the base of this block of flats is a garage. In this garage is everyone's favourite super-genius-goth-girl, working on an evil looking device of evil.
"What are you up to now?"
Lash's reply came from under the evil device of evil, as she was fixing the tires.
"Creating a device to destroy the author."
"Pardon?"
Lash pushed herself up to reply, and smacked her head on the base of the previously mentioned evil looking….evil thing of evil.
She cursed.
Hawke (for that was the speaker) almost looked shocked before he replied in his quiet monotone.
"Don't swear. It is a vulgar habit."
Lash spent a few moments wondering how to reply to this. Hawke remained still
"So…." She began. "I'm allowed to destroy entire continents, waste the annual military budget of North America in a single battle, and giggle randomly without you having a problem, but I'm not allowed to shout a single curse in a moment of extreme personal agony?"
"Precisely. Who did you learn that word from, anyway?"
"Adder said it."
Hawke looked as annoyed as he ever does.
"Then it may be time for me to find our former comrade…" He muttered as he stormed out of the garage.
Lash watched him leave.
"Tee hee hee! Silly person I would describe with a curse or even a line of asterisks if this site would let me."
VVV&And use stuff like this. Seriously, it's getting on my nerves&VVV
Sturm was extremely upset. He was no longer the leader of Black Hole, the allied nations had probably killed his former sub-commanders, his conscience had gone to converse with the Grand Badger, and Hawke….was still a smeg head (the fish had informed him of this). Sturm was also skint. Poorer than the lowliest of Black Hole's war orphans (some had given him 50p earlier) Sturm had no option but to get a job.
But what jobs were there for level 17c Evil Overlords? Street sweeper didn't appeal to him, vaguely Darth Vaderish evil lord was boring, and DJ for a Goth Rave would need a supplemental music/mind control degree. There was only one option left, and it involved high calibre weapons, beer, and cleaning solvents…