At 5:12 a.m., in two separate beds somewhere in the city of Los Angeles, two people woke up simultaneously with the same thought:
"I'm getting married today."
Matthew Albie laid there for a few moments in the dark with eyes wide open. Then he nearly had a heart attack.
"Aaaauuugh," he screamed, simultaneously thrashing, and ultimately falling off the bed as Tom Jeter, Simon Stiles, Dylan Killington, and Alex Dwyer rushed into the suddenly lit room, yelling at the top of their lungs and dumping multiple buckets of ice water on his head.
All five men rolled on the ground – Tom, Simon, Dylan and Alex convulsing with laughter while Matt tried to force his sluggish limbs to recover and stand him in an upright position, screaming, "What the hell? I'm going to kill each of you slowly. How the hell did you get in here anyway?"
At that moment, Daniel Tripp strolled in nonchalantly, twirling Matt's spare housekeys around his right index finger. "Hey Mattie," he said, looking around casually.
"YOU!" Matt bellowed. "You did this?!"
"Yeah," Danny replied. "But in my defense …"
"Blaerphbbtt!" sputtered Matt, as Danny concluded by bringing – until now unnoticed – left hand from behind his back and mashing a coconut cream pie in Matt's face in midsentence.
"In my defense – you ARE getting married today. I told you to let us throw you a bachelor party. Consider this a substitute," Danny shrugged. "Now go take a shower. You're kind of dirty right now. And come on downstairs. We'll have coffee waiting, and then we'll take you to breakfast." And he turned and sauntered out the room. "Come on, guys," he called as the others managed to stop laughing long enough to stagger out after him.
"A pie??" Matt shouted after them. "You guys work at a comedy sketch show and the best you could do is throw a pie in my face??"
Harriet Hayes woke up to a feeling of disorientation. She'd slept fitfully, not used to sleeping alone again after months of practically cohabitating with Matt. But despite her best attempts at seduction – was she losing her touch? she wondered – Matt had adamantly insisted that they spend their last night as single adults apart.
"Don't you want to spend one last night in your old place before we move into our new home?" he'd asked.
"Only if you come with me," she said slyly, pressing flirtatiously against him.
"Oh no. No no no no no," he said, gently pushing her away. "I want to spend one last night at my old place too. Alone. I'm saying goodbye to all those memories – especially the ones that involve me being too stupid to make this wedding happen sooner. And then I'm leaving it all behind and marrying you
"Besides," he said, flashing a grin at her mock pout. "It's tradition."
"I'll show you a tradition, Matt Albie," she said to the air, shaking her fist in the air. Then, unable to help herself, she giggled, threw off the covers, and trudged into the shower. Toweling her hair off afterward, she went downstairs.
Jordan McDeere was already up, showered and dressed, sitting in her living room and talking on the phone – clearly a business call. Waving good morning to Harriet, Jordan handed her a fresh cup of coffee.
"Yes, Mr. White, I agree completely. I'll have to confirm those final figures and get back to you tomorrow. Please say hello to Rose for me," she said, then ended the call. "Sorry about that," she said, turning to Harriet. "Wonders of working on the West Coast for an East Coast-based corporation," she said, grimacing. "Sooo. What are you doing up so early? Couldn't sleep?"
"Eh," shrugged Harriet, taking a sip of coffee, not wanting to sound pathetic about missing Matt's presence next to her. "Maybe just nerves or something."
"Uh huh," grinned Jordan.
"It was fun just hanging out last night," said Harriet. "Danny's sweet for volunteering to take care of Becky by himself. Do you want to check on them?"
"Nah, Danny called me while you were in the shower," she said. "They're doing fine."
"What the heck is Danny doing up this early?" asked Harried curiously.
"I get the feeling we'll get the details later. But apparently, a little payback was in order since your boy refused to let him throw a bachelor party – probably because he suspected Danny would use the occasion to pull off some very public pranks," Jordan said, grinning maniacally.
Both women snickered for a few moments before Jordan's expression turned serious.
"You know, I always pictured you having a big church wedding," Jordan said. "Are you sure you're OK with a civil ceremony?"
"Yeah," Harriet said calmly. "I really am. I'll have Matt there—that's what matters. And we'll have you and Danny. As for God? He can watch over us and bless our union wherever we get married."
Jordan nodded. "Well, as long as you're up, we have time for a leisurely breakfast before we hit the spa. Go get dressed and let's blow this joint, baby!" she said as she shoved Harriet back up the stairs.
"What time is it?" Matt asked, turning to Danny as he hopped up and down, unable to contain his nervous energy.
"Oh my god!" yelled Danny, staring at his watch.
"What??" Matt asked in a panic. "What? What?"
"Sometime after you asked me what time it was a minute ago, time suddenly broke free of its boundaries! Three hours have gone by in the past 60 seconds! You missed your own wedding!" Danny cried, gripping Matt by the shoulders and shaking him.
"Get OFF me," Matt said, shrugging out of Danny's grasp. "Not funny. Not funny at all," he repeated as he glanced at the openly amused justice of the peace standing next to him.
"Hold on," Danny said. "It's time, and look. There they are. Now I have the rings, and I know you usually write the lines instead of reciting them, but all you have to remember are the words, 'I do.' Can your remember that? My god, are you shaking?"
"Shut up," Matt said, not looking away from Harriet as she walked toward him, a slight smile gracing her face.
"All four of you are here, then. Are we ready?" the justice of the peace asked.
"Well, Matthew? Are we ready?" Harriet asked in smooth alto voice, looking at him with shining eyes.
"Yeah," Matt replied with certainty. "We're ready," he said firmly, taking her hand and turning to the justice of the peace.
"So, Mrs. Albie," Matt said as they stepped out of the hidden entrance to the courthouse, neatly avoiding any reporters who might've been around. "Shall we go celebrate?"
But before Harriet could answer, she was interrupted by an electronic ringtone.
"Sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry," Jordan said, reaching into her bag for her phone. "That'll be me. Jordan McDeere," she said, motioning them to wait just a second.
"Slow down. What? Now? Can't this … but she's … come on, Jack! OK, OK, fine but this better now take long," she said, hitting the end button angrily, then turning to Harriet apologetically.
"What?" asked Harriet.
"Sweetie," Jordan started. "That was Jack. He wasn't very coherent, but apparently, you and I are needed at the studio right now."
"Hold on. What's going on?" Danny asked.
"I don't know, but he's in a blind panic. I've never seen him like this," Jordan said. "I hate to ask you guys, but … maybe for just a minute?"
"Matt?" Harriet asked, looking at him.
"Sure, let's go get this taken care of. We have the rest of our lives to get on each others nerves," Matt teased.
"No, Matt. Jack was pretty specific. I don't know what's going on, but he only wanted Harriet and myself to come by," Jordan said. "And having you two there isn't likely to calm him down – you know that. Why don't you guys head over to the restaurant, and we'll meet you there as soon as possible. Come on Harriet, I'll drive," she said, tugging at her arm.
Glancing apologetically at Matt once more, Harriet allowed herself to be led away.
"I can't believe he's pulling this. He knew I was getting married today. But it's always an emergency only when he says it's an emergency, and nevermind that the rest of us have lives," grumbled Harriet as she and Jordan walked into Studio 60.
"Come on, he's meeting us in staging area," Jordan said pushing open the doors to the theater.
What greeted Harriet was a loud scream of "Surprise!"
As one, Samantha, Jeannie, Lucy, and Suzanne grabbed her by the hands and pulled Harriet into an enormous group hug – grinning and laughing.
"What the hell?" Harriet said. "What is going on here?"
"Did she fall for it?" Jeannie asked.
"Oooh yeah. Can't believe it worked," Jordan said, grinning.
"What worked?" Harriet asked, curiosity, laughter and irritation warring for supremacy in her voice.
"We needed to get you here before you got married," laughed Samantha.
"No, wait. You got it wrong, dimwit. I just got married. See?" Harriet responded, flashing her new wedding band, sparkling in the light.
"You call that a wedding? No, Harriet," Suzanne said. "You're not really married until you've walked down the aisle in that," she explained, pointing at the wall –
– where an elegant, white silken wedding gown was hanging.
Brows furrowed, Harriet glared at the still-grinning women. "Are you guys all on crack?" she asked.
"No need for that, we're crazy enough as it is," said Jeannie. "Worry about it later. You have to be at the church in two hours, and we have to get dressed as well," she said, pushing her into a chair.
"Church? What church? We're not going to a church. Matt and I decided to get married, and we just did," she insisted, still sitting down.
"Not," said Suzanne, "according to Matt."
"What?"
"He booked a church," Jordan told her.
"What?"
"And planned a reception" added Samantha.
"Huh?
"And picked the flowers …" said Lucy.
"And not to make fun of my boss," Suzanne added, "but he also picked out that dress, and that's kind of weird."
"Harriet," Jordan explained. "Matt is doing something very, very sweet. He planned out a full on church wedding for you – nothing huge, but will all the bells and whistles. A ceremony, flowers, cake, family and close friends, a reception … stop sitting there with your mouth gaping open, and get ready. Because you don't want to be late."
"Look at it this way, Matt," Simon said as the men stood around outside the church. "You're already married legally, so you don't have to worry about her not showing up."
"Shut up," mumbled Matt as he tried to steady his shaking hands enough to light his cigarette. "Shit, somebody give me hand here?"
"Sure," said Danny, snatching the cigarette from Matt's mouth and grounding it under his shoe. Smacking Matt upside the head, he said, "You quit, remember?"
Matt turned as a firm hand gripped his shoulder. "Take it easy, man," a short, solidly built man with close-cropped blond hair said. "This is a really great thing you're doing for my sister. I'm glad you two finally got your act together."
"Yeah, well, that remains to be seen. But I appreciate your coming out, Bobby," Matt replied. "Harriet needed somebody from her family to give her away. Still, I'll be glad when this is over and we can get a drink."
They looked up as Tom walked out of the church, holding his phone. "Time to face the music, Matt, and I don't mean the Beach Boys … Jeannie just called. They're 10 minutes away. Let's go inside."
Danny and Bobby moved to either side of Matt, and taking a firm grip on his arms, dragged him into the church, ignoring him as he looked around with a panicked look in his eyes.
As the limousine pulled up to the church, an elderly gentleman in black opened the door. Jordan exited first, smiling. "Thank you!" she beamed.
Harriet was next, but her expression was somewhat more akin to shock. "Reverend Teale?" she asked.
"Hello, Harriet. I'm so pleased to see you again," he said, smiling at her. "I have to say, that's some young man you're marrying."
"Well, he's not that young, but he's definitely something else," cracked Harriet.
"My dear," replied the pastor, "at my age, you're all young. And this particular young man has quite a way with words. He came to see me, asked me to perform the ceremony, and sat there and took it like a man for the next three hours as I grilled him. And he managed to convince me that he was the one for you.
"You know, for a heathen," he said, winking, "not bad at all."
"And you're all right with doing this ceremony for us, even with Matthew not being a believer?" asked Harriet, surprised.
"Oh, I won't be alone up there," replied Teale. "Matt has a rabbi waiting inside. This is a first for me—I've never done a dual faith ceremony before. Like I said, Matt can be very persuasive.
"Now come on," he continued, walking toward the church. "You shouldn't keep a guy like that waiting. Not too long, anyway!"
"My man," thought Harriet as she and the girls followed him in, "is certainly something else."
As with many grooms, Matt would have no recollection of actually participating in his own wedding ceremony in the years ahead, and while the video record made it appear that he had responded coherently when necessary, his only impression of that 20 minutes was of looking into his wife's eyes, surrounded by the light jasmine fragrance she'd always favored, dumbfounded at his absolute good fortune.
That, and the yank on his neck when his supposedly loving wife grabbed his necktie and pulled him into a deep, long kiss.
Harriet, on the other hand, would only smile beatifically when asked about her wedding ceremony. Unless she and Matt were with their friends, in which case she would delight in making him blush, proclaiming with a wicked grin on her face: "I have never wanted to jump Matt's bones so much in my entire life, and if we hadn't been in a church with a reverend and a rabbi, you guys would have gotten quite a show!"
And everybody would exclaim: "Eeeeewwwwww!!" Their friends quickly learned to avoid that question, but every now and then a new person in their circle would make the mistake of asking.