Without love we are not truly living, without her love however, it was as if I was not living at all. To love and to be loved in return, with her, I felt a passion that never ceased to die. I desired every part of her, the way her red hair fell softly past her shoulders, the light brown orbs of her eyes smouldering and how utterly beautiful the sound of her laugh was in my ears. It wasn't supposed to be this difficult, it wasn't supposed to hurt this much but maybe it was because I was selfish. Envy coursed through me to see her with Harry, smiling in his arms as he wrapped them securely around her waist. It had sent my mind into frenzy, of jealousy and yearning I wished 'her and I' would simply become 'us'. I would be the victim of those who had succumbed to love, for I had fallen deeply for someone so far from my grasp. Desperately, I had forced myself to pretend to feel content in Ron's arms, as I had captured his attention. But to no avail, it was a poor attempt to push away what he could never make me feel. Pulling myself away, imagining that her heart had been mine, there was an emptiness that would cause my body to rack with sobs. Only to find myself dreaming of my deepest desire, to be called hers. I would only hope to make her feel so loved, so happy as with one glance from her eyes, I would irrevocably enamoured. Longing and yearning, a love that I could never reveal. For Ginny meant more to me than the truth ever will.
I couldn't remember a moment in time where I didn't feel this certain rush of adrenaline, my knees crumbling from weakness for she paralysed every sense. Ginny had made me feel everything and anything, but I couldn't explain why. I felt at home in her protection, as when I had cried she would wipe the tears that cascaded down my face. In fear or in struggle, when others did not understand Ginny had the ability to make me believe I was more than ordinary. I wasn't just any bookworm who stuck her nose so deep in a book, but an actual person that was worth something. Confidence had been such a struggle when my own boyfriend couldn't be the one to be my shoulder to cry on, I felt as if no one had wanted me. When no one wanted me, she was the only one I wanted. It was a sort of, burning desire. I would forlornly find myself staring at her, analysing every feature so intently. Ginny had made love so simple, effortless for with a her smile, I felt a love that I could never give to Ron. It was only her, it was always her. As Harry is her first love, I intend to be her last.
"Hermione, are you honestly still revising those notes of yours?" I heard a familiar male voice come from behind me. It was too familiar in fact that I almost wish I hadn't heard it at all.
"Yes, Ronald. Because some of us actually want to do well in school." I didn't want to peel my eyes from my Potions book, I'd only be disappointed at what I would see.
"Well some of us, actually want to live life, and not so bloody uptight unlike my girlfriend." I heard Ron babble on, words that have been uttered before but I still couldn't help but be hurt by them.
"If you still want to call me your 'girlfriend', I suggest you let me study as much as I please."
"You're just so… you … sometimes." Ron's mouth was covered with food as always, who was he to tell me such things when he couldn't even do his own homework?
"What do you mean so 'me'?" I rolled my eyes. If Ron didn't notice, if it wasn't for my constant tutoring, he'd be repeating his entire fifth year.
"Ron I don't think you shou-" Harry knew another argument could spark, for both of his friends had short fuses that ignited with only something so absurd could trigger.
"No Harry, let me finish. You're studying as always, following the rules, you know. You're always being that know-it-all self of yours." Ron wanted to set his girlfriend straight, while other Hogwarts couples took strolls down Hogsmeade and lounged by the shores of the Black Lake, they were always in the library.
"If you're so bothered by who I am, then so be it then. From this day forward, I'm no longer your girlfriend. Stake that claim up Lavender Brown's arse for all I care." Angry, infuriated, furious, there weren't enough words that could even begin to describe my impending rage. I could only feel this fuming anger that caused me to desert my books and rush down the grand staircase, anywhere that was far away from Ron Weasley.
"What in God's name did you say now?" Ginny's voice was shuddering with malice.
"Look I was just trying to get her to stop studying all the time. Its been weeks since I dated an actual girl, she won't do anything but throw books at me." Ron leaned against the large upholstered sofa, whisking away the crumbs of pumpkin pastie that landed on his dark grey trousers.
"Maybe if you didn't act like such a troll, Hermione wouldn't need to throw books at you. Stop being a bloody git and apologise." Flicking the back of her brother's head, Ginny's eyes smouldered with anger. She had passed a crying Hermione before entering the Common Room, it was always Ron that caused the tears to cascade down her cheeks.
"I'm not apologising, Hermione's gone mad. When she learns to loosen up a bit, then we'll see." Ron was growing annoyed by each second that passed, it was always Hermione's side that everyone took.
"She doesn't have to learn anything. If you're too stupid to realise that she has feelings, then you're the one that has a lot to learn." Sometimes Ginny wondered how Ron even persuaded Hermione to date him. The wonder became a drifting thought that if she could call Hermione hers, she would do nothing but make her happy.
"Learn what? That I know how to spend my time wisely?" His ears turning slightly red, Ron couldn't stand the thought of always the one being given a lecture on what to learn because he didn't 'know enough about girls.'.
"Says the boy that spends all summer stuffing his face with chicken! Ron just stop eating, you look ridiculous." Ginny swatted away the pumpkin pastie that her brother had been disgustingly feasting on.
"Hey, my pumpkin pastie! You owe me another one, Ginny." Ron looked at his pastie descend to the floor as if in slow motion, what a waste of perfectly good food. Now he'd be starving and it was all his sister's fault.
"You know, if you weren't my brother, I would've hexed you by now." Ginny could use Ron as her duelling club practice target all day if she had the chance.
"Yeah but since I am, you can't." Ron stuck his tongue out as if he was a little boy, Ginny had become too much for him. How did Harry even stand her?
"Ginny, would you maybe want to-" Harry stepped around the Gryffindor common room oak chairs, taking Ginny's hands in his.
"This isn't the time Harry. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a crying girl roaming through Hogwarts I'm looking for." Her boyfriend's efforts unnoticed, Ginny simply pushed away Harry's hands from hers.
"Mate, you really shouldn't ha-" Sighing, Harry turned to his red-haired best friend, sometimes teasing Hermione wouldn't even be teasing. It would just be rude.
"Are you seriously siding with Hermione on this one?" Ron crossed his arms, furrowing his brow in annoyance.
"Bloody hell! Why won't anybody let me finish my damn sentence?" Exasperated, Harry threw his arms in the air.
"Hermione, there you are! I've been running down every staircase for you." I heard the door creak as I saw a silhouette with the gentle voice that felt like home to me.
"Ginny, thank you but I just, I just want to be alone right now." As much as I wanted to see her, I didn't want her to look at the tears that ran down my face.
"You say that all the time, you think by now I know to never leave you? Come here." Ginny stepped closer towards me, engulfing me in her arm.
"I feel so pathetic, always crying like this like I'm some sort of little girl that needs her parents to wipe her tears away." I fell apart before her, burying my head in the crook of her neck.
"No, you're not pathetic. But when mum and dad aren't here, thats when I come to wipe the tears for you." Ginny stepped back, taking her thumb and softly wiping each tear that came after the other.
"I tried so hard, I tried. Every day I would just tell myself that I could learn to love Ron. I could fall in love with him, but nothing, just nothing." My voice began to shake, love was supposed to be simple. It was never supposed to make you feel as if you were nothing.
"It takes a specific person to love Ron, sometimes Mum doesn't even think she's that person." Ginny was joking of course, Mrs. Weasley loved all her children, but sometimes Ron could be too much.
"Really?" I smiled, it was nice to know that others found it difficult to find affection towards Ronald.
"Really. After Ron and Harry flew Dad's flying Ford Anglia, she's convinced that even Fred and George are smarter than him. Now cheer up!" Softly laughing, Ginny gave me another hug, as I silently wished it could always be this way.
"I feel a bit better now that I'm not his 'girlfriend' anymore. I honestly don't know why I even tried to love him when I know I couldnt."
"Maybe its because there's someone better for you, someone that will love you for everything that you are. Don't ever think you're not special or good enough, do you know how many people would want someone as intelligent and caring as you?" I traced every feature on Ginny with my eyes, listening intently at every word she uttered. She could make me feel like I was worth everything in just a few sentences, but who could ever love me?
"But the person I want will never feel the same." I mumbled under my breath.
"Who won't?"
"What?" I looked at the girl I love with confusion.
"You said that the person you want won't feel the same, go on, who is it?" Ginny leaned against the desk, as she looked to the floor. There was a part of me that swore I saw her look disappointed.
"I said that out loud, didn't I?" I had finally caught what I said, I felt my face redden with embarrassment.
"I'm afraid so, but at least its not Ron. So come on, who is it? Who's stolen the heart of one beautiful Ms. Hermione Granger?" Silently, Ginny wished it was her that had stolen Hermione's heart. But it could never belong to her, not now, not ever.
"I don't think I should tell you, I don't think I can either." I looked away from her, my eyes glued to my feet as I shifted uncomfortably.
"We're best friends right? You can tell me anything, you know that." I locked eyes with her vibrant brown ones. I felt Ginny's hands brush against my arm.
"Yes, but Ginny, I just cant." I couldn't tell her, she had accepted me for all that I am, but I don't think she could accept me for falling in love with her.
"Are you sure you can't or you just don't want to?" Ginny was so understanding, so caring that I told her everything. Everything except what I kept buried inside.
"A bit of both." I replied, wanting to avoid the subject. I couldn't just say any name, I couldn't pretend to love someone anymore.
"Alright, but since I'm such a good person, you'll eventually tell me, won't you?" Ginny didn't want to pry, or maybe she did. Maybe if she knew that girl she loves isn't in love with her, she could move on. But even in strife and effort, the several attempts to abandon the she had for Hermione had gone unsuccessful.
"Thats for me to know and for you to find out." I grinned, I didn't want to reveal too much. I had dreamed of the day I would tell her, everything from the very beginning at the perfect moment, yet if I truly did tell her, the reaction I hoped for might not conquer reality.
"It's a challenge I'll just have to take. Now come on, I have no idea how you ended up finding this abandoned classroom on the fifth floor, but lets get out of here." Ginny's soft, slender fingers pulled against mine, leading me towards the door.
"Thank you, Ginny. For everything, you always know what to do. I don't think anyone would do what you do for me." There wasn't anyone that was ever there for me like Ginny was, I admired her for how selfless she was even when the rest of the world was selfish.
"Sometimes I wish I was Ron." Ginny mumbled, it first sounded incoherent but eventually her words rung through my ears.
"You do?" I don't know exactly if I had heard her correctly, but I would do anything for her to take his place. He never had a place to begin with, but it was the thought that I had to force myself to feel something for Ron that became so unnerving.
"I mean, well. I mean…. not as your boyfriend, but just as someone that can treat you better. Yeah, that's what I meant." Ginny's voice grew with embarrassment and nervousness, she always made her feel nervous
"Yeah, definitely." Lying to myself wasn't much use, in honesty, I frequently imagined Ginny taking the place of Ron when he had his arms around me.
"I didn't see that before." I saw Ginny look past me, pointing off into the distance.
"See what?" I asked, turning my head to follow her eyes to where it had landed.
"There's something over there, just by that cupboard." Ginny walked closer to an object covered with a white dusty sheet, subconsciously I followed.
"It's probably just another cabinet." She seemed so interested in whatever it was, maybe there was something hiding underneath.
"No it's too tall to be a cabinet, help me lift this?" Ginny had taken the large sheet in her hands, motioning me to do the same on the opposite side.
"Ginny, its the Mirror of Erised. Harry found this in our first year." The sheet had been lifted, revealing an ancient mirror with a golden arch. The phrase 'Erised stra ehru out ube cafru out on woshi' had been engraved on the arch.
"I show not your face, but your heart's desire." Ginny whispered, everything had grown so quiet for I concentrated on nothing but her voice.
"I've actually never really tried this, sometimes I'm just scared of what I'll see." I knew what I would see, I knew that it would be her and I, in each other's arms not wanting to let go. That was what hurt the most, never wanting to let go when I couldn't even hold her.
"Scared to see that what the mirror shows might not even be real or possible? I know I am." Ginny would see a vision before her that unbeknownst to her, was possible. Yet their love would be in fate's hands now, deciding the right time when to let her fall into the right arms of the person that is deeply in love with her.
My heart's desire, I knew was something that couldn't be grasped. It was too far, too impossible. The thought of being able to call my desire mine, would only cause me to create scenarios in my mind that wouldn't happen. I often found myself wondering what it would be like to hear her say 'I love you' or what it would feel like to hold her in my arms and let our fingers fall into place with each other. The more I wondered, the more reality came crumbling at my hands. But Ginny knew how to put me together, because with her, I felt whole.
The mirror looked as if it hadn't aged a day, for a heart's desire could feel timeless. It was daunting, the vast piece of glass that could show you whatever you wanted or needed. Yet so many have wasted their lives before it, not knowing that their longing would be nothing but a vision in a mirror. As I stood before it, I saw two people. Myself and the one I love, we look for once, happy. Her fingers, intertwined with mine with the smile I had fallen so deeply for. There was a blush that crept upon my cheek, but it wasn't truly me, it was the vision I had longed to see. Her lips that looked so gentle, so soft pressed on the corner of my mouth. It looked so real, as if I had been staring at a memory. Yet it truly wasn't, for I've never been as happy as the person I saw in the mirror.
"Hermione, what did you see?" I heard Ginny's voice sound throughout the abandoned classroom.
"You know how you said that what the mirror shows you might not even be real? I wish that wasn't true." I had seen everything I wanted, yet I gelt a pang of guilt. I wasn't supposed to fall in love with her, Ginny didn't belong to me.
"I looked at you while you were staring at the mirror, there was this smile on your face, it was a smile that I've never seen before." There were very few instances that Ginny had seen Hermione truly happy, for never was it a smile, only shoulders that sunk so low and a frown tugged at her lips.
"For once, it was a smile I didn't have to force. You go on, try it." I fiddled with the hem of my jumper, stepping aside. I couldn't look at it anymore, as much as I wanted to.
It was Harry that Ginny was supposed to be in love. Supposed to for the love she had was reserved for someone else. For someone that had chestnut hair that fell softly down her shoulders, warm brown eyes that smouldered in the light and a laugh that was never boisterous but beautiful because it was from Hermione. It started as admiration, really. Ginny admired how intelligent was, how hardworking, as Hermione's compassion was something she, herself could never match. Even when people constantly judged her, Hermione did everything she could to help those who came crawling back to her, pleading for a tutor. It was the simple things that eventually led her mind to wander effortlessly. Ginny felt certain desires to slip her fingers into Hermione's hands, but in one though, it was the guilt of needing her instead of Harry.
Ginny stood before the mirror, an image displaying a vision only her heart yearned for. It was of two girls, both very much happy and in love. One girl was herself and the other, it was Hermione. The two looked to each other with love, as Ginny was familiar with it for she looked at Hermione that way. A kiss from Hermione's lips was pressed onto her shoulder, yet the real her felt no kiss at all. Ginny's eyes were beaming, as if it was Christmas day. It was an vision she could stare at for days on end, because all she could ever have with Hermione were moments. Moments that were counted by seconds, minutes even but never a lifetime.
"What do you see?" I stepped closer towards her, smelling the light aroma of lavender and vanilla.
"Everything I could possibly want, I could possibly need. But even then, there's not anything that could make it come true." Ginny stepped back from the mirror, tearing her eyes away as if it was the most difficult thing she had to do.
"You can do anything, Ginny, you know that. You just have to want it badly enough." I forced a small smile, hoping to at least make her smile too.
"What if what I desire isn't right?" Ginny locked her eyes on mine, her words now just an audible whisper.
"The thing that you saw in the mirror, whatever it was, when you looked at it, did it feel wrong?" There will always be a part of me that will wish that I was the one she saw in that mirror, but I know it will never be me.
"No, but how can something seem so wrong yet feel so right?" It wasn't wrong in Ginny's eyes, but to Harry, to Ron, to her entire family, it could be.
"Sometimes it's good to be wrong, maybe it'll make us realise that our heart was right all along." Guilt coursed through me each day, desiring a love that was wrong but persisted to make my heart race.
"What if it doesn't?" Ginny's voice broke, it became sort of a raspy whisper.
"Then I guess we keep living, asking ourselves what might have been." It was a frequent question I, even today, still ask myself. What might have been Ginny had chosen her, or what might have been if I had chosen Ron?
What might have been, if you fell in love with me too. Ginny fought with every effort of her being to suppress the burning sensation in her chest, why did it hurt so much to know that what you truly want isn't even possible?
Pick me, choose me, love me. I closed my eyes briefly, breathing deeply as I tried to wash away every emotion that pushed and pulled me to every direction. Love is about choices, about making your own happy ending. We choose love because for a moment, we fell just a little bit less alone.