"Holy shit," declared a rumpled Juliet Butler, wandering into the Fowl's dining room with a bowl of Frosted Flakes in hand.

Juliet's cursing was not unusual for this hour of the day. The tall, pretty professional wrestler was not much of a morning person, and it was, after all, barely past eleven AM. Fourteen-year old Artemis Fowl the Second already sat at the table reading the newspaper, having showered, dressed and eaten three hours ago.

"Your brother would disapprove of your using such language, you know. Good morning to you, too, by the way, and yes, I did sleep well, thank you."

Juliet dismissed his admonishment with a wave of her electric blue-manicured hand and sat down next to Artemis. "Whatever, like Butler can talk. Where do you think I learned it all? But that's not important. Look out the window! Is that an owl out on the windowsill? I don't think I've ever seen one outside during the day before."

Artemis obediently looked out the window where there was, in fact, an owl. It was a Tyto alba, to be exact, more commonly referred to as a barn owl. A rare sight in Ireland at any time of day, and it appeared to be looking back at them. Juliet rose and crept toward the window, trying to see how close she could get without scaring the creature.

Artemis made a noise of mild interest. "That's rather fascina- er, I mean...That's cool," he said tentatively. Artemis handled the word "cool" the way middle aged parents do when they're trying to look hip in front of their kids' friends. Juliet nodded approvingly at his effort. Lately she had taken up the hobby of training the Fowl heir to use slang in normal conversation, in the hopes that he wouldn't be too much of a freak when he started high school. "Barn owls aren't very common, you know. Perhaps it's been living in the stable."

He watched her move slowly toward the window where the bird hadn't moved from its perch, its intelligent eyes watching the girl's approach. It didn't look frightened, however; if anything, Artemis thought it looked rather impatient, if it were possible for a bird to do that. With both teenagers watching, it leaned over and tapped its beak audibly on the glass.

"Ohmigod, that's so cool," Juliet whispered, finally reaching the window and marveling at the fact that it wasn't flying away. "Why's it doing that? That's not normal, is it?" she asked as the owl ruffled its feathers, annoyed, and tapped the window again more insistently.

"I'm not sure," Artemis admitted. "Probably not."

"Aww, maybe it's hurt. Like it can't fly or something. I'm gonna get a closer look."

"Or maybe it has rabies," Artemis retorted. "Oh, don't open the window. What if it gets loose inside? If it does, you're the one who has to chase it out," he grumbled, but Juliet had already flipped the latch and lifted the pane.

"I can't leave a poor defenseless little animal outside if it's sick or hurt or whatever! Hey there little guy..." she crooned. A moment later there was a shriek and Juliet leapt away from the window. The owl swooped in and headed directly for Artemis, who yelped and covered his head with the newspaper defensively, and narrowly missed Juliet's Frosted Flakes as it landed in a clatter of talons and silverware on the breakfast table. Artemis stared warily at the bird in front of him as if it were a feathery ticking time bomb.

"I so was not expecting that," said Juliet weakly.

"Oh, you neither?" Artemis hissed. The owl let out an ear-splitting shree! and held out its leg in exasperation, and that's when Artemis noticed the cream colored envelope tied to its foot. He stared for a minute, trying to comprehend the situation. Was he seriously supposed to take it? Certainly, he had heard of pigeons that used to be trained to carry messages in a similar fashion as this, but who had heard of trying such a thing with owls? And who who would even bother in this day and age, with so much technology available?

Artemis realized he probably looked like an idiot still holding the paper over his head, so he set it down and, with great caution, reached out and relieved the owl of its burden. It waited until the letter was off its foot before giving the boy a hard nip for taking so long and flapping irritably back through the open window, leaving nothing but a couple of downy feathers and a small puncture wound on Artemis' hand to prove that the bizarre event had actually occurred. There was a long, stunned silence.

"Well," said Juliet finally, snapping out of her daze and returning to her usual chipper self. "That doesn't happen every day." She shut the window and bounded over to Artemis, who hadn't quite recovered from the shock of the unexpected assault and was gazing at the envelope like he'd never seen one before in his life.

"So what did the carrier-owl bring you? Who's it from?" She prodded his shoulder. "If you don't want to open it, I'll do it for you." When this evoked no response, the girl peered at the letter over Artemis's shoulder and read aloud, "Master A. Fowl, Jr., the second floor bedroom of the East Wing, Fowl Manor, Dublin County." She gave Artemis a funny look. "I think it's kind of creepy how they know where you sleep." The expression on Artemis' face indicated that he rather agreed. She flipped it over. "Huh. No return address," she said curiously. "Buuut there's a nifty wax seal with an H...and some animals on it...I think it's like a...whaddoyacallem'... a coat of arms!" she said as if Artemis couldn't see this for himself. "You gonna open it?"

Artemis took the envelope from Juliet and, feeling strangely nervous, pried it open. Three pieces of paper fell out. No, not paper... thought Artemis as he felt the thickness and texture of it. More like...parchment? How strange. He couldn't think of anyone who used the stuff anymore. Of course, the sender's use of parchment was almost normal compared to the method of delivery. Picking up the first sheet, he read:

HOGWARTS SCHOOL

of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore

(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,

Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)

Dear Master Fowl,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. As you are not registered with the Ministry of Magic as a member of the magical community, a school representative will be arriving at your place of residence at 4 o'clock this afternoon, Monday, June 20, to explain the terms of your enrollment. Until you have been fully informed of your situation, we must firmly insist that you act with utmost discretion regarding Hogwarts School and all with which it is associated. Willful failure to do so will result in legal repercussions and, in certain circumstances, the possible rescinding of your acceptance. We thank you for your cooperation in matters of secrecy and look forward to seeing you at the start of term, which will take place on 1 September.

Sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall,

Deputy Headmistress

The second sheet read "First Year Required Materials" and had a list of such nonsense items as a wand, cauldron, robes, and a book list. The third was a train ticket for the "Hogwarts Express" which was due to leave from a place called Platform 9 3/4.

Artemis didn't quite know what to make of it. He reread the name of the school, to make sure that he hadn't misunderstood, but there it was. Hogwarts, school of witchcraft and wizardry. His first impression was that this supposed acceptance letter was some sort of elaborate joke. Honestly? Hog warts? How repulsive. And what in the world was a mugwump anyway? Obviously, the mysterious sender was familiar with the layout of Fowl Manor, to the point where they knew which bedroom was Artemis'. The mention of "wizardry" made Artemis think that the letter was referring to the fact that he still possessed stolen time tunnel magic. But for what purpose? As far as he knew, only three people knew that Artemis had retained his magic after the return journey from Limbo: Butler, and his parents, whom he had felt deserved the complete truth about his strange and unexplained disappearance. Artemis had found that he was tired of keeping secrets from his family.

Holly, Qwan and No 1 had all known about his ill-gained power, but Holly had been left with the impression that his magic had been lost and Artemis assumed that she had passed the news on to the rest of the fairies during her debriefing. Perhaps this was some sort of veiled threat, and someone was going to try and blackmail him. But if this was the case, then why didn't the letter contain a demand, or at least instructions? Of course, the sender had - rather courteously for a blackmailer - requested that he keep the letter a secret, under threat of "legal repercussions". And had mentioned that a "school representative" would be paying him a visit later today. Was this representative to be a negotiator of some sort? Frankly, Artemis was stymied.

Juliet had finished scrutinizing the letter as well and was looking just as mind-boggled as Artemis felt.

"This is some kind of joke, right?"

"It must be."

"But who goes to the trouble of training an owl to deliver you a letter, just for a laugh?"

"I really don't know," Artemis sighed, tucking the pieces of parchment back into the envelope. "Someone eccentric? It's peculiar, to say the least."

"Hmm," said Juliet as she took a bite of her now-soggy cereal. "I'd tell your parents about it, just the same. Probably Butler too, if someone's actually gonna show up at four."

"Yes," said Artemis absently. "Yes, I should go do that now." He drifted out of the dining room lost in thought, leaving Juliet to her breakfast.

But Artemis did not go immediately to inform Butler or his parents about the strange letter and the impending arrival of a mysterious visitor. Instead he headed to his computer where he pulled up Google search engine and typed in "Hogwarts".

Your search returned no matches, Google informed him. Did you mean: hog warts? Well, no. But he tried it anyway. Which led him to numerous veterinary sites about how to treat pig-related fungal infections. Lovely.

Next Artemis tried "Albus Dumbledore", again with no luck. "Minerva McGonagall" yielded plenty of hits, displaying many Minervasand McGonagalls respectively, but no one that seemed to match the person he was looking for.

Artemis sighed and slumped back into his swivel chair, kneading his forehead wearily. Did neither of these people actually exist? No birth certificates, criminal records, marriage licenses? Finally, he typed in "school of witchcraft and wizardry". He found plenty of sites relating to Wiccan rituals, weird religious cults that claimed to be "schools of witchcraft", and even ghost stories, but nothing that seemed like the sort of legitimate educational institution Hogwarts claimed to be.

After failing to find anything informative on the Internet, Artemis contacted Holly via communicator to see if she had any ideas on the subject, but she was extremely busy catching up on three years' worth of paperwork.

In a harried tone of voice, she told him she had no idea who was sending him prank letters. She hadn't even bothered formally briefing the LEP about his magic-snatching, since the matter had been resolved so quickly, but had told Qwan and No. 1 afterwards that Artemis had wound up losing his power.

"I'm sorry Artemis but I really can't talk now," Holly said quickly. Artemis could hear the telephone ringing in the background. She went to go grab it but accidentally knocked over a coffee mug on an important-looking document. "D'arvit!" Holly dropped the communicator, there was some indistinct muttering in Gnommish, and she reappeared, looking frazzled. "Look, I've really got to go! Let me know if anything else happens, okay? Bye!" She ended the connection, cutting Artemis off mid-question.

Another dead-end later, Artemis was feeling a little bit frustrated. He wasn't used to being so completely in the dark about, well, anything. When he needed information, the Internet and a bit of well-placed hacking had never let him down before. It was now 12:15. Artemis, conceding defeat, decided that he had better go tell his parents that a stranger would be coming to the manor with information about his acceptance to wizard school.

A/N: Here it is! My first story, woot! Was it good? Was it bad? Tell me! Don't just sit around and think "Wow, this fic sucks... next."

Yes, I know, it's annoying when authors ask for reviews, buuuut... if you wanted to give me a little extra incentive, I would indeed appreciate it. =] I'll make more of an effort if I know people are waiting to hear what happens...

Disclaimer: S'not mine. It's Eoin Colfer's and JKR's. (btw, are disclaimers actually required on this site? Doesn't the fact that this is "Fan" fiction sort of make it obvious?)