Disclaimer: Yeah, right, sure I own 'em. In my dreams. Cordelia, Angel, and any other characters mentioned here are the property of Joss Whedon, WGN, and Mutant Enemy Inc. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's notes: Written for Dana's Lyric Wheel. Lyrics are from Portishead's "It's a Fire". Section I had to choose from is included at the end of the story.
The office was dark. And although Angel was fascinated by the tempered glass of his windows that allowed his days to be bathed in light, the shadows were welcoming arms. They were home. He had lived like this for several centuries, after all; this was what he was used to. The sun made him feel guilty - like he didn't quite deserve it. So he had never been able to fully enjoy it without that nagging thought in the back of his head.
He heard footsteps from behind, and smiled at the skyline. Cordelia, approaching from behind. He didn't turn - he didn't need to. They had surpassed the need for eye contact long ago. In fact, he was pretty sure they could have an entire conversation without even speaking. That was how deeply Cordelia Chase had ingrained herself within him.
"How's it going, champ?" she murmured. "Didn't feel like that drink after all?" Angel turned slowly.
"You know me," he teased. "This salvation I desire keeps getting me down."
"Mmm, dark and broody - just how I like 'em." Cordelia took a few steps forward to rest her hands on Angel's chest. She glided them along until her right palm rested just above his heart, where it should have been beating. "This is why?" she asked. He covered her hand with his,
"That's part of it," he said softly, eyeing her lips. He was talking about the curse now. The curse that prevented them from having everything they had ever wanted. They never talked about it. Not really. It had only been discussed with the entire group - never between just the two of them; it was denial at its height. But that was just the way they were. Still, she pushed herself up onto her tip-toes and kissed him lightly. He had to stop himself from just grabbing her and pulling her against him and never letting her go, because that would mean admitting just how needy he was. He acknowledged it, to himself and himself alone, but he had to maintain some semblance of control around the others after all.
She knew it, though. She just gazed at him with those big brown eyes of hers and she saw right through him. Always had. And that was what he loved most about her. She didn't take bullshit from anyone, least of all him. She wouldn't let him hide from himself and from everybody else. She made him realize the need to recognize mistakes, and to fix them, but to let everyone else help, because he didn't have to do everything by himself after all. He supposed that, in a way, he should resent her for that. He'd never been dependent on anyone before Cordelia - not even Buffy. If anything, Buffy had been dependent on him. What would he do now, if something were to happen to this amazing woman in front of him?
Knowing him, he'd go join an evil law firm. Just for kicks.
Angel heaved a sigh. In a fluid but uncommunicated movement, he sank down onto the couch, Cordelia sitting right next to him. She sat close, leaning on him slightly, and he felt the heat from her body radiating outward to warm his own. It's a fire, he thought. One that would probably thrive on whatever you tried to put it out with. Not that that stopped him from scooting even a little closer. He could handle fire.
"You know," Cordelia began. "I never would have predicted last year." Angel chuckled.
"No kidding." His voice was teasing, but hers was suddenly completely serious. She shook her head.
"No, I mean...us. I look back, and I see that even before I went psychotic with the evilness, you and I...we were falling apart. I just can't fathom how that ever happened." She turned to look at him. "I love you, Angel," she said. Angel took her hand in his, unable to stop a small smile from creeping across his face.
"I know that Cordelia," he murmured. "And I love you, too." She looked down at their entwined fingers - her dark, California-tanned hand starkly contrasting his vampire-white one.
"I just thought you should hear the words directly," she said. "And maybe I wanted to hear them from you. Even though I knew, I just...I didn't. I thought that I was being stupid and childish and selfish expecting it."
"Stupid and childish are two words I would never use to describe you."
"But, you see, I am. I have these dreams - these stupid, childish dreams where you and I live happily ever after with a big house and lots of babies. And I know that's just not physically possible, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it. But the thing is...I know I could have that with someone else. Anyone else. But when I think about it...I don't want it. I would give it all up, Angel, to be with you. Which is ridiculous, because there I would be, getting older and older, and there would be you, still your gorgeous, young self, still alive once I'm dead, and how fair is that to you?" She paused for a breath. "So, you see, that's where childish and stupid and selfish comes in. Because it's ridiculous for me to expect you to sacrifice the same things. And I hate to be the one bringing all this up, but we've always avoided talking about it in the past, and it needs to be talked about. Especially now, when I could just walk out of here and start over. I need to know if that's what I need to do before it's too late."
Angel was speechless. He blinked, letting her words sink in. Cordy, walk away and leave? No. He wouldn't let it happen. But she had brought up all the issues that had always lay unspoken between them - the issues that had caused him to leave Buffy, the one woman he had thought he was meant to be with forever.
Was that how he felt about Cordelia? Well, that was a dumb question. Everything that had happened to him since last year had just cemented the fact that he was hopeless without her around to guide him. She kept him focused, guided him along, and yet loved him with a depth he never thought he would experience. The answer was an obvious one. By giving her that very answer, he sealed her fate and his own - her growing older and him watching her die. He hated the thought of tying her down like that.
"I have dreams, too," he admitted. "But these dreams...they pass me by. I gave up the chance to be with Buffy not once but twice, and sometimes I think - was that it? Do I not get another chance? Cordelia, I don't want you to live with regret all your life if you choose to spend it with me. But at the same time, I don't want to ever let you go. You see, I'm selfish, too - because I just want to go on like we are now, never thinking about the future. Living this life, not living one twenty years from now."
"Angel, this life is a farce," Cordy said bluntly. "We pretend like your curse doesn't exist, like my mortality doesn't exist. It's ridiculous. We're digging our own graves. Already it feels like I can't breath through this mask that I wear, pretending everything's peachy. Well, it's not. There are factors and realities that come with me being human and you being a vampire. We have to prepare to deal with what's coming, preferably sooner rather than later, so we'll be ready when it comes." She shifted on the couch, standing on her knees, then moved so that she was straddling Angel's thighs. She sat on his lap and got right up in his face, so that there could be no way to misunderstand or misinterpret her words.
"Here's the bottom line: I love you. And love, quite often, requires sacrifices. I understand what type of sacrifice I have to make if it means being with you. I'm not naiive - I'm not Buffy. I'm me. And believe me when I say that I've thought about it. Alot. And in the end, it just comes down to this: Given the choice between having a family and a normal life or having you? I choose you."
"Cordy..." She held a finger up to his lips.
"Ahh," she warned. "Don't you 'Cordy' me. I need to know that you're willing to make the same sacrifices." A silly, goofy grin spread across Angel's face, and he pulled her forward, kissing her deeply.
"Always." She crawled out of his lap and snuggled up beside him on the couch. Her hand ran absently up and down his thigh, and Angel felt that familiar fire return, and he welcomed it with open arms. He held her silently, stroking her hair, watching the skyline out the window of his office. Outside, the city sparkled like a thousand diamonds scattered across the horizon. But, looking down, Angel saw that it did not shine quite as brightly as her smile.
"So," he said. "You think this is going to work." She cupped his face in her hand.
"I can see no reason for it to fail," she said. He smiled turned his head to press a kiss to her palm.
"You my girl?" he asked. She smiled back in return.
"Always," she replied.
Portishead - "It's a Fire"It's a fire
These dreams they pass me by
This salvation I desire
Keeps getting me down
'Cuz we need to
Recognize mistakes
For time and time again
So let it be known for all we believe in
I can see no reason for it to fail
'Cuz this life is a farce
I can't breathe through this mask
Like a fool
So breathe on, sister breathe on
From this oneself
Testify or tell
Its fooling us now
So let it be known for what we believe in
I can see no reason for it to fail '
Cuz this life is a farce
I can't breathe through this mask
Like a fool
So breathe on, little sister, breathe on
Ohh so breathe on, little sister, like a fool