For My Behaviour
Carth wandered through the ship. He was bored. No, not really bored. More... restless. They had been on this empty planet waiting for Yana to complete her training for some weeks now, he'd lost track. It was all fields and plains, populated by farmers and herders. And Jedi.
He was used to life a lot more fast-pace than this. And, after Taris... he just... couldn't keep calm anymore. If the Sith could do that... Well, just say he'd had more than his fair share of kicks in the teeth when it came to Sith 'boundaries'. Whenever people thought they couldn't sink any lower they always found a way. And that was exactly why he wanted to be out fighting them rather than stuck here on this backwater planet discussing Jedi ideals.
Carth gave a low, frustrated sigh. He needed to talk to someone. Bastila was a pain, especially here around the Council, and Canderous, since their last semi-controlled fight on Taris was a definite no - 'justification through victory' indeed - and Mission was, as much as she refused to admit it, just a kid. So that left Yana. Or the Wookiee. Since they touched down on this place he'd probably get as much sense out of either.
He gave a small smile, then shook his head, walking over to the starboard dormitory. He knew she'd be there. All Jedi jokes aside, even she found the Jedi Academy too much pressure to be in twenty-five hours a day.
He knocked on the door. There was no reply. He hesitated, and then shook his head and flicked the door switch. It swished open and he took half a step in.
Yana was sitting on the lower bunk, dressed in simple brown trousers and a black, short-sleeved, off-the-shoulders top. She sat with one leg curled underneath her as she always did, and in front of her was a rug littered with three, heavy-looking weights, the weights she used for practising.
He hesitated, looking at her for a second, "Yana?"
"Shh. I'm meditating."
He raised an eyebrow, glancing at her. She was just sat on the side of her cot, eyes fixed on the opposite wall, silently. He shook his head, almost sceptically, "Really?"
She let out a low sigh. Suddenly his blaster pistol took off from its holster, strung up in midair, followed by the three weights, which all proceeded to orbit around her, rotating slowly, "That better? That look more like meditation to you?"
He gave a small smile. Yana was just in that right Jedi spot. The part where she could be calm, collected and kick ass with a lightsaber, but before the part where she lost all emotion and personality and became just another Jedi drone, "Yes, actually."
"I thought so." She shook her head and the pistol and the weights fell to the rug she had placed for them with a soft thump. She sighed again, "I'm trying... to see through the Force... without closing my eyes."
"Surely that's just... seeing."
She shot him a glance, as if about to snap back, but then a small, wry smile slid onto her lips, "That's what I said." Then she moved her eyes back to the wall again, "But apparently not. I can see through the Force whilst closing my eyes. Just. But I can't see it with them open. I just... I get distracted. I think too much, something catches my eye and my train of thought is just -" she clicked her fingers, showing how fast her train of thought left her.
He looked at her for a moment, considering her. It struck him odd that she was having trouble. Short, formal conversations with other Jedi around the Academy had told him that she was flying through her training with amazing ease, at a speed that was startling the Masters and inspiring the Padawans. Her potential was, apparently, unlimited. Deep inside of him, as bad as it sounded, he was almost glad that she was struggling with something. It made her somehow much more... human.
He paused, watching her. Her light, puzzled frustration was obvious. It was instinct in him to try and assist. But what could he really do?
He hesitated, and then took a small step further into the room, "Is... I mean... Is there anything I could do? Any way I could help? Or should I just... get out of your way."
She shook her head, slowly, but then seemed to change her mind, "Y'know what, yeah, maybe. Could you just... do me a favour? Could you come and stand here?"
Carth frowned, but moved into the room, standing awkwardly in front of her, "Just... here?"
"Yeah, just... stand."
He turned to her slightly, putting his back against the wall, not wanting to stand too close in case... well, in case she didn't want him to stand too close.
Yana settled back down on the bed, on the edge, curling a leg under again, her hands relaxed across her knees. She paused, looking at him for a moment, pulling in deep, slow breaths. She gave him a slow, slightly wicked smile, "Be right back."
Her eyes fluttered closed. Her breathing became so gentle, so slow, that he couldn't even see it. He frowned a little, his eyes running over her, uneasily. He wasn't used to this kind of stuff. He was just a damned soldier. He wasn't used to all this... this... Jedi nonsense.
She'd stood up. He hadn't noticed, and it took him aback a little. She was moving so silently. It was almost as if she wasn't there at all.
"Hold out your hand." Her voice was so quiet, so still.
He hesitated, and then held his hand out, slowly, in front of him.
The young apprentice paused, eyes still closed, and then held out her own. She brushed the air less than a centimetre away from his palm. She stayed still for a moment, and then moved her hand up, over his, brushing over his fingertips and moving to the other side. She was so close he could feel the slight heat coming off her palm. She wasn't touching him. It just felt like she was.
She moved her hand, slowly, until it hovered this time over his cheek. Carth held his breath as she went over his lips, never touching, never even brushing the skin. Her hands went over his eyes and he shut them, reflexively. If it wasn't for the slight heat, he wouldn't even have known she was there.
The heat left and he opened his eyes again, looking at her. Her face was soft, her lips full, her obsidian black hair pulled back in a simple clip. She didn't need makeup, she just looked... natural. She was... quite beautiful. He hadn't really noticed it before.
A lock of her silken hair had fallen over her eyes. Carth hesitated, and then reached out, pushing it gently back behind her ear.
"Stay still."
He raised his eyebrows. Had she just said that? There was no sign of anything on her face, just... stillness.
He gave a small smile, "Sorry."
"Just stay still."
He smiled again. She really was beautiful.
With a small shock he realised the touch of warm amusement he felt at her wasn't just amusement anymore. It was something else. Something like... affection.
Hurriedly, as he always did when he came close to feeling like this, he pushed the image of his wife into his mind. He felt her warm smile on him, her light laugh, her crystal green eyes and her thick, curly brown hair. Morgana Onasi. Except no-one called her Morgana, she hated Morgana, everyone just called her... Morgan. He could still remember her wincing when he repeated her name after the cleric during their ceremony. She was so beautiful, and stubborn - stubborn and spirited. Like her.
Yana opened her eyes. The bright blue orbs caught onto him, taking his eyes. He hesitated, a slight frown touching his features. Her eyes... It was like she was looking... through him. Or even... into him. She reached out to his face again, and this time she did touch him, a gentle, soft brush across the top of his cheek, underneath his eye.
Carth froze to the spot, unable to move. She seemed to hesitate, and then pressed her hand down further, flattening her palm against his cheek, brushing across his light stubble. She moved her hand, slowly, drawing it over his lips to the other cheek, then back across again. He felt uncomfortable and relaxed, uneasy and completely tranquil. Was this it? Was this her seeing through the Force? Was this what all Jedi did? Her and Bastila's 'Force Bond' had been bad enough, what was this about?
Her mouth was slightly open, moving gently, as if she wanted to say something. Her eyes fluttered closed, and she let out a low, shaky breath, "Morgana."
Carth's heart stopped. If he hadn't been against the wall, he knew he would have taken a step back, "What did you say?"
Yana immediately flinched back, recoiling away from him, unexplained fear flashing through her bright blue eyes. She shook her head, quickly, holding out her hands as if to keep him back, "I'm sorry, I... I didn't... I shouldn't have... I'm sorry."
"What did you say."
She shook her head again, desperately, "I didn't... I didn't mean to I just... I just..." she winced, recoiling, her face that was once pure and clear all of emotion contorted by fear and pain, her voice high and trembling, "Force. My head! So much noise!"
"What are you talking about." His own voice shook slightly.
"Fire. Blasters. So much noise, just... everywhere. Telos has fallen."
Another clench on his heart. He shook his head, "Telos?" he repeated, weakly.
Yana shook her head, backing away from him, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry... I just, I really, I just... I can't."
She spun round and ran for the door. He caught her, quickly, and yanked her back, grabbing her just below her shoulders and forcing her back against the wall, paying no attention when his elbow hit the metal lining of the cot behind him, sharply, "Telos IV." He said, firmly, his voice a low growl, "Kwymar. One of the Outer Rim. What do you know of it."
"Nothing."
"Nothing?" he was aware that he was scaring her, aware that she was wincing, recoiling back, trying to pull away from his tight grip, but he couldn't bring himself to care, "How do you know the name Morgana. Where did you get that from."
"Carth, please, I just -"
"Where did you get it from?!"
"From you!"
He looked at her for a moment. His grip on her arms lessened a little. "What do you mean."
"From... from your head. I just... I'm sorry, it was just, just... there, and I... I wasn't looking for it, I just couldn't... I couldn't..."
"Couldn't resist?" he completed, scathingly.
"No!" she cried, emphatically, "No! Nothing like that! I couldn't stop! I tried to pull back but I couldn't, I just didn't know how!"
"Telos IV was my home. It's where I lived, years ago, with my family, with my son and my wife, Morgana. What else did you see."
"I... I didn't..."
"They died in the Sith's attack. In Admiral Karath's slaughter. Is that what you saw?"
"I just..."
"Did you see me finding my wife? Did you see her injuries? Did you see the Medics get there too late?"
"Carth!"
He stopped, raising an eyebrow.
She shook her head, slowly, her whole body shaking, "You're scaring me."
Carth looked at her. Her usually warm face was white. Her breathing quick and shallow. Her eyes wide, pleading. He paused, and then shook his head, a spark of his anger still remaining, "Why d'you not know how to stop."
She took in a deep, fortifying breath, "I'm just an Apprentice, Carth. There's... there's things I don't know about the Force. I've never... I've never looked into anyone's head before. I didn't know how to pull back out."
He looked at her for a long time. Then he let go of her, slowly, somewhat reluctantly, "Your masters should have taught you that. If you're gunna go around getting stuck in people's heads." Then he hesitated, looking at her, his expression softening, "Are you alright."
She didn't look at him, her eyes on the floor. He hesitated again, and then took a step forwards, putting his hands on her arms, feeling fresh stabs of guilt as she flinched back slightly. He paused, looking at her, and then moved his eyes to her arms. There were red prints across her bare skin, painful looking sores were he had grabbed her.
A cold feeling went through him, knowing he had marked her, and he quickly moved his hands down to the finger marks, rubbing them, briskly but gently, wiping the marks away. He did the same to her other arm, and then looked up at her, awkwardly, "Better?"
She nodded slightly, her eyes still on the floor.
He sighed again, and then put a gentle hand on her cheek, making sure it barely brushed her, like she had done to him, "I'm sorry. I'm... I'm so sorry."
She didn't reply. For a moment he thought she was angry. But then she reached out, her hand brushing against his arm. He frowned and glanced down. A dark red blotch was spreading along the elbow of his coat. He yanked it off, rolling up his sleeve to look at his arm. A long, thin cut sliced down his forearm to the tip of his elbow. He glanced at the metal edge of the bunk behind him. He must've hit it harder than he thought.
Carth shook his head, dabbing at the blood dripping down his arm, distastefully, but then Yana put a hand on his. He glanced up at her, and she nodded at the wound, "Let me see."
"It's just a scratch."
"Let me see." She repeated, firmly.
He hesitated, and then nodded, slowly. She put her hands on his skin, now so cold they almost made him flinch, and drew her thumbs down to either side of the cut.
He looked at her, carefully, firmly suppressing his wince as she got just that little bit too close. She felt it and stayed back. Then she closed her eyes, putting her hands out over his wound, one slightly crossing over the other, and let out a long, slow breath.
Carth looked at her for a moment, frowning. Then a slight heat seemed to move through him, a soft glow, starting at the wound and then spreading out, covering his whole body. The heat was gentle, soothing, moving softly over him like a caress. Then it concentrated once again on his wound, bringing up a low shiver in the base of his spine. It grew hotter, never enough to feel uncomfortable or to hurt, but just to soothe, cutting out all memory of pain. He watched the wound in amazement. It was shrinking, shrinking down in on itself, slowly disappearing.
Yana frowned slightly as she pushed the Force - because it had to be the Force - through him, letting it calm his mind and heal his body. Then she opened her eyes. It was done. She went to her locker and brought out a small handkerchief, dabbing at the blood still remaining on his arm. When she had wiped the liquid away, the skin underneath it was completely clean.
Carth looked up at her. Her eyes still lingered on the floor. Yana's teeth were biting at her lower lip, and she was picking at the cuticle on her thumb.
She glanced up at him for a second, and then immediately lowered her gaze. She nodded at his healed arm, hesitantly. "For my behaviour." She said, quietly.
She paused for a second, and then nodded again, and turned, heading for the door.
"Yana."
She stopped, turning round to him. He looked at her for a second, and then moved over to her, swiftly, leaned down and kissed her. He stayed soft, very soft, not wanting to scare her again, just brushing his lips over hers, not even trying with his tongue, just lips. She stayed stiff for a moment, and then seemed to relax slightly, leaning into it a little. He was kissing her, another woman, the first in many years, but that was okay. There wasn't anything emotional behind it, it was just... just something to show he cared. That was all.
Carth let the kiss go on for a moment, and then drew back and looked at her, hands on her shoulders, firmly, "For mine."