Miroku's adventure in the woods A/N:
This work was originally published on AO3 - 2017-03-17 Crack, crack, cracky crack. Have a totally pointless fic.
Inspired by A Lesson Painfully Learned by ColhanTheDeviant Gift for Lord Yaulendil who requested the plot - blame them for existence of this work, not me :3 o0o0o0o0o0o
The forest was old, trees and bushes were growing wildly and were efficiently obscuring the view. Miroku was smiling while crawling under the thick canopy of branches and leaves, heading in destination only he knew. He was pretty sure he had seen a person around here - he was far, but had seen long wavy hair and rich robes.
A princes in the forest. Alone. Without a guard. Lonely.
He, as a man of honor, simply had to make sure she was fine and keep her company.
He saw a violet robe through the bushes and reached out his hand to touch the rear of the woman - it was just too much temptation for him to resist since she was bent down, her back on him, her butt practically begging to be groped. He squeezed gently the soft flesh.
"What do you think you are doing?" asked a voice, one of a man. Miroku looked around but failed to see anyone around. Was her companion hidden behind a tree? Or maybe, like Inuyasha, he was sitting on a branch?
He glanced up, but saw no one. Then he turned to look at the woman. No, it wasn't a woman. It wasn't even a human.
"Monk, I am most shocked," said Naraku as he moved away from him and straightened his back. "I heard about you being a womanizer, but never thought you are..."
Kagura appeared in a gust of wind. "That's his habit, be seems to grope everything that has a rear side," she said while fanning herself and looking at them both with bored expression. Kanna walked from behind her.
He's a pervert," she said, her voice quiet and emotionless. Miroku could see his pale face in her mirror.
"Most unbecoming," commented a Kikyou while passing by, her soul collectors flowing around her.
A movement caught Miroku's attention. He turned his head to the left to see Kohaku standing beside a tree, his sickle in his lowered hand. The young boy was simply staring at him with his vacant eyes. The monk stood up and hid his hands behind him.
"I thought you were a woman..." he started. "But since I stumbled upon you it means that Heavens want me to take care of you."
"How? By squeezing my butt?" Naraku asked, obviously annoyed. Miroku caught the prayer beads wrapped around his wrist. "Ah, so first you grope, and then suck your victims in your Wind Tunnel?"
"That's quite smart," Byakuya appeared beside Naraku. He looked quite impressed. "There's no one to tell the tale."
Miroku froze for a second.
"Naraku!" a well-known roar of a silver-haired hanyou could be heard and a second later the rest of the gang ran from behind the bushes left from the monk. "You won't escape us now!"
"Look, the backup came," commented Hakudoshi who was brushing Entei's mane in a deep shadow of a tree a few meters to the left. Miroku wondered briefly how he could not notice him earlier. His friends ran to his side, all ready to fight. Hakudoshi's voice was as lively as always.
"Great!" Naraku threw his hands and a few tentacles in the air. "First the monk grabs my butt, then the rest of you come to pesk me, mighty demon Naraku!"
"Hm," said Sesshomaru who was walking past Kohaku. Ah-Un behind him made a low rumble, Rin on his back waved to everyone and smiled. Jaken was running behind them, but turned to wave his staff at Naraku upon hearing his words.
"You, insolent half-breed!" he cried. "How can you think you're on the same level with powerful demons like Lord Sesshomaru?! Wait, he groped you?" he asked, pointing the staff at Miroku. Miroku felt a sudden rush of blood to his face. Somehow everyone was more focused on the mistake he had made than at the fact their enemy was standing just a few meters away from them. "Ugh! Humans are so weird! Lord Sesshomaru, wait for me!" Jaken ran off when he noticed his party was already far away.
Inuyasha lowered Tessaiga and looked at Miroku. "Oi, you really groped Naraku?"
"Eww," Kagome said when Miroku gave a small nod.
"Monk!" Sango groaned. "Is there no end to your lecherous behavior?"
"That's disgusting!" Shippou said from Kagome's shoulder.
"Even his comapnions think the same we think," Byakuya nodded and patted Naraku's shoulder. "See? We all are on your side."
"I am not on Naraku's side!" Inuyasha growled and scowled as he turned to face his enemies.
"Maybe you should put him on a leash or something?" Kagura suggested with a small smile.
"Was someone talking abour leashes?" a whirlwind came from North and Kouga stopped beside Kagome. "Hi, pretty. So, are you leashing Inuyasha at last?"
"Kouga!" Inuyasha magically materialized between the wolf demon and the young miko.
"No, we are not," Kagome said from behind him. "Miroku grabbed Naraku's butt and we're thinking about controlling his 'cursed hand' somehow."
Kouga turned to look at the monk. Naraku shook his head and crossed his hands in front of himself.
"And here I was thinking you were a holy man..." the wolf demon uttered. "I can't let you travel with my Kagome."
"She isn't yours, fleabag!"
Suddenly Miroku felt an arm resting around his shoulders and saw Jakotsu beside him.
"You know, I understand you, Naraku has a nice ass," he said with a smile
"Eh..." Miroku started. "It wasn't like I..."
"But you should at least buy him a dinner before grabbing it. You know, manners are important," Jakotsu continued.
"If you want a long-lasting relationship, that is," Renkotsu added from behind them where he was sitting on Ginkotsu.
"Exactly," said Akitoki Hojo who stepped from the forest just beside Kouga. "Good manners are very important."
"Yeah," Kagura nodded. "I agree."
"And respect for personal space of other people," Bankotsu nudged Miroku's other side.
"Yeah!" Naraku nodded and looked at everyone with watery eyes. "You can't sneak upon people like this!"
"And you can't just grab their asses like this," Kagome chimed in.
"What she said!" Inuyasha nodded in agreement.
Miroku groaned as everyone around him looked at him.
"Shame," commented Kanna.
And them, from a very far distance, Miroku herd Inuyasha's voice.
"Sango, I think you hit him with that thing too hard this time. He fell to the ground like a bag of shit."
"You would too if he'd surprise you like that!" replied a distant voice of the demon slayer.
"Shh, guys, he's regaining consciousness," called Kagome. "Miroku, do you hear me?"