1 You On My Mind
Disclaimer: Nothing's mine, everything belongs to Cloud Nine productions and to who knows else. I'm not making any profit out of this story, so please don't sue me.
Author's Note: I know it's really late to post this story, as the whole sub- plot to this (i.e. the events on the show at that point) are waaaaay back in the past. But anyway, I hope you like it despite of that. Feedback appreciated.
„I mean it's not like..." Zandra began and Lex sighed silently. Zandra was now talking half of the day about Amber and her possible relationship with Sasha. Lex had never been too interested in what she was talking about, but somehow it seemed strange to him that Zandra couldn't get off the topic.
"Baby, what's the problem?" He interrupted.
Zandra tried to look innocent. "Ähhm, what?"
"What's that about Amber and the clown-guy you don't like?" He paced through the room slowly, while keeping eye-contact with his girlfriend.
"Meaning yourself?" She asked cynically to change the subject.
"Meaning Sasha, that dorkhead."
"Well, why do you think so?" She turned to the big mirror in the room and checked her hair.
"I've no idea," He waved uncertainly. "Let's say I somehow *sensed* it."
Zandra let off a laugh. "*You* and sensing something?"
He gave her an evil eye but ignored the comment.
"It just seems pretty awkward to me you care that much about Amber's love life, which I have to admit has grown spectacular comparing it to earlier." Lex went on.
"I'm not jealous or something, not at all." She said nervously.
"Oh, never thought of *that*." Lex retorted quickly.
She gave him a look.
"Oh, please!" He snored. "That jerk? What a bad taste do you need to find him actually attractive?"
"Ask Amber." Zandra turned around to face Lex directly. "If you're so interested in Sasha…"
"Well, I'm not the one talking about him constantly," He shot back.
"What do you mean by that?" Zandra asked, hands on her hips.
"Nothing." He answered with heavy sarcasm.
"What are you talking about?" Suddenly, Trudy stood in the room, holding Brady in her arms. "Lex?"
"Wha-What?" He woke with a start.
For a second everything was pitch black. Then he saw Trudy's trembling silhouette. And in that moment he finally gathered that it had been a dream. Just a dream.
"You're okay?" she asked, concerned.
Lex stared off into the darkness, thoughts going wild around in his head.
"If you wouldn't have startled me to death, yes, *then* I would be fine," he replied sharply.
"Well, if *you* wouldn't have talked in your sleep, my child wouldn't be awake right now," Trudy snapped back. "So just stop it."
She turned around, covering her baby protectively with her arms. Lex couldn't help but wonder what it was like to have such a tiny creature himself.
He fell back onto his bed, pressing his hands on the head while thinking that he had to stop this train of thoughts, he had to stop it, it would only drive him crazy; and it was all senseless anyway: she was dead, Zandra was dead and with her the child…
***
As the sun crept over the horizon and life was slowly awakening, he still lay there without having slept a second.
He dreamt about her nearly every night, not to forget the dozens of times that she appeared in middle of the day. It could be a sentence or a word someone said, or a situation that seemed familiar to him, and suddenly she would stand there, between all the others, like a memory, only much more vivid.
And with her came the doubts and the ifs and the what-would-have-beens, torturing him.
He just wanted to move on, leave the past where it belonged. But he wasn't able to.
"Lex." Bray knocked him almost over as he had just decided to stand up from the breakfast table.
"What?" It seemed impossible these days to control the anger.
"We have to talk."
"Well, but maybe I'm not in the mood for talking, chief." He mocked him absentmindedly.
Bray's face gave nothing away.
"It's not your job to be 'in the mood', Lex." He lectured him. "It's your job to keep the mall save. So either you *do* your job or we give it to someone else."
"Yeah, sure, and that would be who?" Lex dropped with sarcasm. "Anyone? What's with our pal Spike here?"
He pointed at the former loco.
"But, oh, shoot, I forgot, he isn't even in the tribe yet. Now that's what I call bad luck."
Ebony smiled.
"Don't worry about *that*." Danni threw in. "We'd find someone. You're not exactly the best at that job either."
He hated her. More than Bray even. Bray - well he could at least respect him from time to time, although he detested his naive talk about "a better future".
There was no future, not for him. Or anyone. When would he understand that in this life it only paid to live in the moment?
But, Danni, the new kid in town. She just came in the tribe and tried to take that little power from him that he had gained, in fact the only thing he had retained since…
"Like you know. Since when are you here – five seconds? And still you think you have the right to walk around playing the major's wife." He had decided to hurt her at the only spot possible.
She crossed her arms in front of her chest.
"Hey, I'm in the tribe now, in case you forgot. And that means I have the same rights as everyone here."
"Right. Thanks to our – what do you call it again? – 'democracy'."
He didn't want to say that. Not because he wanted to avoid a fight. He didn't care about that.
No, this time, he wanted to be smarter than Bray.
Only one time, he'd like to have a strategy, like Ebony.
He hated to admit it, but she seemed to have a point when she told him not to rush into things.
It would only make things harder if he made Danni and Bray his enemies.
But, like always, Lex' brain needed a little more time to catch on.
And then it was too late. He had said it, he had meant it, he couldn't take it back.
He glanced into the room, everyone standing there as if they were frozen. Ebony had a look like 'What do you think you're doing?' on her face.
Bray took a deep breath and a few steps towards Lex. They echoed loudly in the complete silence that had captured everyone.
"Democracy. And what do *you* call it?" Lex looked him in the eye and realized that he had gone too far. This time, Bray was really pissed.
And in the same second, he knew he wouldn't give up. So he had provoked a fight? Then there would be fighting.
"There are some fancy words out there. Like 'dictatorship'. Or what do you think is that, what you, your princess and the eso-girl are building up here? When only three people have the absolute power of, and let's not underestimate here, the *world* then I think we can come up with some new stuff, huh?"
He grinned evilly.
"But that's not true!" Salene called out. "They are just our leaders. Like you, Lex."
Lex faced her and knew his plan was working. They were all already nervous and unsure about what he had said.
You think that's the right thing to do? Zandra asked. No.
"Sure, but I'm just the fixer-upper for them. Or do *I* know the formula? Do *I* make the new rules for the 'new' society together with our 'new' king and queen?" He gestured at Bray and Danni. "No! And why? I thought we had that thing called separation of powers. But that seems to be gone, as soon as Bray thinks it'd help him to be the only ruler."
That's not fair, Lex. It's not fair, not fair, not… Stoppit!
Everyone stared at him, shock and disbelief spread over their faces, and for a moment Lex wondered if he had spoken the last word out loud.
But, no. He catched himself on the edge of saying something, gave the other members of the tribe only one of his deadly looks and stormed off.
Bray sighed with frustration and was about to follow him when Ebony stopped him.
"Leave it." She said almost understandingly, but quite categorically, as always. "I'll go."
Bray tried to reply to that, but she cut him of. "I can handle him *way* better than you, believe me."
He pressed his lips together, then nodded.
She smiled as if she'd won a battle, though she knew that the real one lay ahead of her.
But Ebony wouldn't just follow Lex because she wanted to show Bray her good intentions. She also had a personal interest in speaking with Lex alone, and now.
"Hey!" She called after him, forcing him to turn and stop.
"What d'you want?" He was still quite worked up, his voice dripping with sarcasm where none should be.
"I've some questions, you know." She played it cool. "Like: What the hell is wrong with you?
Are you complete brain-dead, has every little bit of rational thinking left your mind?"
She watched his face fall and thought 'Score!'.
Lex was hard to talk to, he always avoided direct questions and hid behind a wall of sharp humour, but the truth was that once you understood his manners, he was really easy to trick. The best way to bother him was to surprise and attack him, without small talk, straight to the subject.
"What do you mean exactly by that?" Also one of his defence tactics, Ebony thought and added it to her mental list. Answer questions with questions.
"Oh, come *on*. If you only *slightly* remember what we talked about the other day, you know you just acted like a complete idiot. You attack Bray and Danni in front of everyone and play out that one last joker you have. Instead of planning and waiting till you can defeat them, you make them your enemy *now*." She blinked at him.
"Really, Lex, I'm disappointed. And I'm angry at myself."
That had the desired effect on him. "Why are *you* angry at yourself?" He asked, surprise swinging within.
"I did trust you. And mostly, I trusted my instinct that you wouldn't mess it up. I thought you were a lot of smarter than you actually are." She eyed him up and down, trying to lay every bit of disdain she felt for him into it.
"I hope you are happy now." She threw him a last dirty look and walked away.
As she made her way, Ebony had to grin to herself, thinking about the face he had made.
"And?" Bray appeared around the corner.
"He's down. Smashed. Lyin' at the ground." She answered, satisfied.
Bray looked at her unsurely. "I don't know what to say to that. Shall I go 'Oh, great', or tell you that it's not fair, not even to Lex?"
"You're better off with saying nothing, Bray. Save your moral predict, just one time." She gave him a winning smile, which left him with some unease, and disappeared into the direction of the kitchen.
***
You can't go. Not now! Well, I can. You'll see.
He stuffed his belongings into one big bag, as if to convince her, or rather, himself.
He would go, yes, he should've done that long ago. There was no space for him here, there had never been, and he wondered why it had bothered him so little back then, and why it did now so much more.
"You're leaving." It was a statement, not a question. Lex recognized Ryan's voice and turned around.
"As you see." No aggression in that, really. He had no reason for that, not anymore.
Ryan nodded, like he was accepting something that he knew was about to happen. "When?"
Lex was surprised, and at the same time somewhat disappointed, that there wasn't anything else coming. No questions why he was going, when or if he was returning, nothing.
But why should they care anyway, you damned fool, he said to himself, as you never cared about them. You get what you give, that's just fair.
"Now." He replied shortly.
"I, y'know, wish you luck, Lex." Ryan said clumsily, but completely honest.
Lex looked at him, suddenly seeing him as a real friend, not as the one he had always put down.
"Thank you." He said, meaning it the first time, the last time.
He shouldered his rucksack and walked out of his room and past Ryan, forcing himself not to look back. He wouldn't miss that place, and why should he.
It's your home, you know that. Now I know and it's too late, kinda ironic, huh?
"Bye." Ryan said silently. At least a goodbye. He turned his head to look at him one last time and nodded slowly.
"Bye."
***
The morning was clear, no smoke hang over the city. Lex walked out of the mall and breathed the air in and out.
Disclaimer: Nothing's mine, everything belongs to Cloud Nine productions and to who knows else. I'm not making any profit out of this story, so please don't sue me.
Author's Note: I know it's really late to post this story, as the whole sub- plot to this (i.e. the events on the show at that point) are waaaaay back in the past. But anyway, I hope you like it despite of that. Feedback appreciated.
„I mean it's not like..." Zandra began and Lex sighed silently. Zandra was now talking half of the day about Amber and her possible relationship with Sasha. Lex had never been too interested in what she was talking about, but somehow it seemed strange to him that Zandra couldn't get off the topic.
"Baby, what's the problem?" He interrupted.
Zandra tried to look innocent. "Ähhm, what?"
"What's that about Amber and the clown-guy you don't like?" He paced through the room slowly, while keeping eye-contact with his girlfriend.
"Meaning yourself?" She asked cynically to change the subject.
"Meaning Sasha, that dorkhead."
"Well, why do you think so?" She turned to the big mirror in the room and checked her hair.
"I've no idea," He waved uncertainly. "Let's say I somehow *sensed* it."
Zandra let off a laugh. "*You* and sensing something?"
He gave her an evil eye but ignored the comment.
"It just seems pretty awkward to me you care that much about Amber's love life, which I have to admit has grown spectacular comparing it to earlier." Lex went on.
"I'm not jealous or something, not at all." She said nervously.
"Oh, never thought of *that*." Lex retorted quickly.
She gave him a look.
"Oh, please!" He snored. "That jerk? What a bad taste do you need to find him actually attractive?"
"Ask Amber." Zandra turned around to face Lex directly. "If you're so interested in Sasha…"
"Well, I'm not the one talking about him constantly," He shot back.
"What do you mean by that?" Zandra asked, hands on her hips.
"Nothing." He answered with heavy sarcasm.
"What are you talking about?" Suddenly, Trudy stood in the room, holding Brady in her arms. "Lex?"
"Wha-What?" He woke with a start.
For a second everything was pitch black. Then he saw Trudy's trembling silhouette. And in that moment he finally gathered that it had been a dream. Just a dream.
"You're okay?" she asked, concerned.
Lex stared off into the darkness, thoughts going wild around in his head.
"If you wouldn't have startled me to death, yes, *then* I would be fine," he replied sharply.
"Well, if *you* wouldn't have talked in your sleep, my child wouldn't be awake right now," Trudy snapped back. "So just stop it."
She turned around, covering her baby protectively with her arms. Lex couldn't help but wonder what it was like to have such a tiny creature himself.
He fell back onto his bed, pressing his hands on the head while thinking that he had to stop this train of thoughts, he had to stop it, it would only drive him crazy; and it was all senseless anyway: she was dead, Zandra was dead and with her the child…
***
As the sun crept over the horizon and life was slowly awakening, he still lay there without having slept a second.
He dreamt about her nearly every night, not to forget the dozens of times that she appeared in middle of the day. It could be a sentence or a word someone said, or a situation that seemed familiar to him, and suddenly she would stand there, between all the others, like a memory, only much more vivid.
And with her came the doubts and the ifs and the what-would-have-beens, torturing him.
He just wanted to move on, leave the past where it belonged. But he wasn't able to.
"Lex." Bray knocked him almost over as he had just decided to stand up from the breakfast table.
"What?" It seemed impossible these days to control the anger.
"We have to talk."
"Well, but maybe I'm not in the mood for talking, chief." He mocked him absentmindedly.
Bray's face gave nothing away.
"It's not your job to be 'in the mood', Lex." He lectured him. "It's your job to keep the mall save. So either you *do* your job or we give it to someone else."
"Yeah, sure, and that would be who?" Lex dropped with sarcasm. "Anyone? What's with our pal Spike here?"
He pointed at the former loco.
"But, oh, shoot, I forgot, he isn't even in the tribe yet. Now that's what I call bad luck."
Ebony smiled.
"Don't worry about *that*." Danni threw in. "We'd find someone. You're not exactly the best at that job either."
He hated her. More than Bray even. Bray - well he could at least respect him from time to time, although he detested his naive talk about "a better future".
There was no future, not for him. Or anyone. When would he understand that in this life it only paid to live in the moment?
But, Danni, the new kid in town. She just came in the tribe and tried to take that little power from him that he had gained, in fact the only thing he had retained since…
"Like you know. Since when are you here – five seconds? And still you think you have the right to walk around playing the major's wife." He had decided to hurt her at the only spot possible.
She crossed her arms in front of her chest.
"Hey, I'm in the tribe now, in case you forgot. And that means I have the same rights as everyone here."
"Right. Thanks to our – what do you call it again? – 'democracy'."
He didn't want to say that. Not because he wanted to avoid a fight. He didn't care about that.
No, this time, he wanted to be smarter than Bray.
Only one time, he'd like to have a strategy, like Ebony.
He hated to admit it, but she seemed to have a point when she told him not to rush into things.
It would only make things harder if he made Danni and Bray his enemies.
But, like always, Lex' brain needed a little more time to catch on.
And then it was too late. He had said it, he had meant it, he couldn't take it back.
He glanced into the room, everyone standing there as if they were frozen. Ebony had a look like 'What do you think you're doing?' on her face.
Bray took a deep breath and a few steps towards Lex. They echoed loudly in the complete silence that had captured everyone.
"Democracy. And what do *you* call it?" Lex looked him in the eye and realized that he had gone too far. This time, Bray was really pissed.
And in the same second, he knew he wouldn't give up. So he had provoked a fight? Then there would be fighting.
"There are some fancy words out there. Like 'dictatorship'. Or what do you think is that, what you, your princess and the eso-girl are building up here? When only three people have the absolute power of, and let's not underestimate here, the *world* then I think we can come up with some new stuff, huh?"
He grinned evilly.
"But that's not true!" Salene called out. "They are just our leaders. Like you, Lex."
Lex faced her and knew his plan was working. They were all already nervous and unsure about what he had said.
You think that's the right thing to do? Zandra asked. No.
"Sure, but I'm just the fixer-upper for them. Or do *I* know the formula? Do *I* make the new rules for the 'new' society together with our 'new' king and queen?" He gestured at Bray and Danni. "No! And why? I thought we had that thing called separation of powers. But that seems to be gone, as soon as Bray thinks it'd help him to be the only ruler."
That's not fair, Lex. It's not fair, not fair, not… Stoppit!
Everyone stared at him, shock and disbelief spread over their faces, and for a moment Lex wondered if he had spoken the last word out loud.
But, no. He catched himself on the edge of saying something, gave the other members of the tribe only one of his deadly looks and stormed off.
Bray sighed with frustration and was about to follow him when Ebony stopped him.
"Leave it." She said almost understandingly, but quite categorically, as always. "I'll go."
Bray tried to reply to that, but she cut him of. "I can handle him *way* better than you, believe me."
He pressed his lips together, then nodded.
She smiled as if she'd won a battle, though she knew that the real one lay ahead of her.
But Ebony wouldn't just follow Lex because she wanted to show Bray her good intentions. She also had a personal interest in speaking with Lex alone, and now.
"Hey!" She called after him, forcing him to turn and stop.
"What d'you want?" He was still quite worked up, his voice dripping with sarcasm where none should be.
"I've some questions, you know." She played it cool. "Like: What the hell is wrong with you?
Are you complete brain-dead, has every little bit of rational thinking left your mind?"
She watched his face fall and thought 'Score!'.
Lex was hard to talk to, he always avoided direct questions and hid behind a wall of sharp humour, but the truth was that once you understood his manners, he was really easy to trick. The best way to bother him was to surprise and attack him, without small talk, straight to the subject.
"What do you mean exactly by that?" Also one of his defence tactics, Ebony thought and added it to her mental list. Answer questions with questions.
"Oh, come *on*. If you only *slightly* remember what we talked about the other day, you know you just acted like a complete idiot. You attack Bray and Danni in front of everyone and play out that one last joker you have. Instead of planning and waiting till you can defeat them, you make them your enemy *now*." She blinked at him.
"Really, Lex, I'm disappointed. And I'm angry at myself."
That had the desired effect on him. "Why are *you* angry at yourself?" He asked, surprise swinging within.
"I did trust you. And mostly, I trusted my instinct that you wouldn't mess it up. I thought you were a lot of smarter than you actually are." She eyed him up and down, trying to lay every bit of disdain she felt for him into it.
"I hope you are happy now." She threw him a last dirty look and walked away.
As she made her way, Ebony had to grin to herself, thinking about the face he had made.
"And?" Bray appeared around the corner.
"He's down. Smashed. Lyin' at the ground." She answered, satisfied.
Bray looked at her unsurely. "I don't know what to say to that. Shall I go 'Oh, great', or tell you that it's not fair, not even to Lex?"
"You're better off with saying nothing, Bray. Save your moral predict, just one time." She gave him a winning smile, which left him with some unease, and disappeared into the direction of the kitchen.
***
You can't go. Not now! Well, I can. You'll see.
He stuffed his belongings into one big bag, as if to convince her, or rather, himself.
He would go, yes, he should've done that long ago. There was no space for him here, there had never been, and he wondered why it had bothered him so little back then, and why it did now so much more.
"You're leaving." It was a statement, not a question. Lex recognized Ryan's voice and turned around.
"As you see." No aggression in that, really. He had no reason for that, not anymore.
Ryan nodded, like he was accepting something that he knew was about to happen. "When?"
Lex was surprised, and at the same time somewhat disappointed, that there wasn't anything else coming. No questions why he was going, when or if he was returning, nothing.
But why should they care anyway, you damned fool, he said to himself, as you never cared about them. You get what you give, that's just fair.
"Now." He replied shortly.
"I, y'know, wish you luck, Lex." Ryan said clumsily, but completely honest.
Lex looked at him, suddenly seeing him as a real friend, not as the one he had always put down.
"Thank you." He said, meaning it the first time, the last time.
He shouldered his rucksack and walked out of his room and past Ryan, forcing himself not to look back. He wouldn't miss that place, and why should he.
It's your home, you know that. Now I know and it's too late, kinda ironic, huh?
"Bye." Ryan said silently. At least a goodbye. He turned his head to look at him one last time and nodded slowly.
"Bye."
***
The morning was clear, no smoke hang over the city. Lex walked out of the mall and breathed the air in and out.