Writing prompt – begin with this line: "You make me feel like I'm not good enough."
"You make me feel like I'm not good enough."
A head in his hands on the kitchen table, a muffled sob. Mustn't cry. He mustn't cry.
"Hey, hey," A warm hand across his cold one. Skin on metal, "What are you talking about?"
"I'm a monster Steve," Bucky whispered, "You saved people while I killed them."
And he had killed them. He knew nothing else. Not then. There had been only pain, and the dark. He was the perfect soldier. He knew better than to question his orders.
Hydra had taken him – taken what it meant to be James Buchanan Barnes – and replaced it with The Winter Soldier. Now, there was only the Winter Soldier, with a tiny piece of Bucky, a sliver that had crept in when they weren't looking. And that piece? That piece was Steve.
"The things that were done," Steve said, that All-American Boy righteousness on his face, "were done to you, not by you."
Bucky shook his head, "I killed," he whispered, head still nestled in his hands, "I stabbed, I pulled the trigger, I threw grenades...and...when I was told to...when I was told to...I...I raped."
Steve nearly pulled back his hand. Nearly, but not quite. To pull away from contact now would have confirmed to Bucky what he thought he knew – that he was something vile, untouchable, perverted. None of which was true.
"Bucky," Steve said gently, pulling his friend into an embrace, "when you...when you...did what you did, did anyone ever ask you for your opinion?"
Bucky shook his head.
"Did anyone ever ask if you consented to...intimacy?"
Bucky shook his head again. Slower this time.
"Did you ever...force yourself on someone...when you weren't ordered to?"
"No!" Bucky wept.
"And Bucky," Steve took a deep breath, "I know this is hard buddy, but I think it's important we talk this out. Bucky, how explicit were the orders? What would happen if you refused?"
Bucky took in deep, raspy lungfuls of air, "I did," he whispered, "more than once."
"And?" Steve asked, "What happened?"
Bucky clenched and unclenched his metal fist, pulling himself away from Steve's embrace, so that he was facing away from his old friend, "Pain," Bucky whispered, "If I didn't obey, there was...I would do whatever they asked Steve. They told me it was right. Hurt me if I disobeyed – tortured me. If I was told to go and...to rape someone, they forced me to comply. If someone had to be 'taught a lesson' then I had to...oh God, Steve! What have I done!"
Steve held Bucky as his body rocked with sobbing, "Shhh," he said, "We're going to work this out Buck, I promise. Firstly, you should have been treated as a prisoner of war Buck, that means being treated right. That means no torture. That means no using you for their own ends," Steve struggled to keep his voice in check, not wanting Bucky to think he was angry with him, "and then there's the...intimate stuff. Buck, you may not believe me, but what was done wasn't done by you..."
Bucky looked up and opened his mouth to interrupt, but Steve stopped him with a hand gesture, "No," he said, "please listen. Hydra raped those women - " a look at Bucky's ashamed face convinced him to correct himself, "Hydra raped those people. You were an instrument to them Buck." he took a breath, "you were being raped too Buck," he whispered, "even though it wasn't you being..."
He trailed off as Bucky fell into another fit of sobs, flesh and bone shoulder moving in time with the metal one.
"Except it was," Steve sighed, terrible realisation smacking into his chest, "it wasn't just making you commit...acts...under duress...it was you being...whenever you told them no. Oh, Buck."
He held Bucky as his friend cried out the pain. He made a silent resolution to track down every single person who had known the truth about The Winter Soldier and make them pay. But not tonight; tonight he had another sliver of Bucky Barnes to put back.