The worst time of night is when you are wandering hopelessly, wondering if anything can save you. That is how Hazel was feeling that night. She had slipped out of the dorms that night, and somehow snuck past everyone else to the forest on the edge of camp. Her mind, swirling at a thousand miles a minute, needed silence, and she had a hunch that she would find it somewhere deep in the shadowy trees.
Her dark hair brushed behind her shoulder as she avoided trunks rising in the mist. The moon cast dapples through the leaves onto the forest floor. Pine needles crunched under her steps, and a creature moved in the darkness. She was not afraid of monsters for some reason. In fact, she would have welcomed the distraction, but none came. Most of them had probably been killed off in last night's capture the flag.
She wore a light coat, and capris. She shivered in the cold night air, but the breeze against her skin was nothing against the metaphorical ice slowly freezing her heart over. Her teeth chattered, and her fingers brushed against the rough bark of the trees. The moon gazed down at her, washing her shoulders with its milky silverness, and reflecting on her gleaming gold eyes. As Hazel walked, bits of silver popped from the surface of the Earth, like footprints of the celestial stars.
She was far from camp when her thoughts finally began to take shape. The knot of sadness and unbelonging she had carried began to dissolve into sadness: seeping into her and poisoning her limbs. She suddenly felt weak, and lost in her own mind. Her feet picked their own path through the forest, as she wondered.
Wondered why she was still alive, how she was still alive. Was she meant to still be living and breathing? Of course not. She belonged under the ground, deep in the Underworld, most likely being punished for her heinous sin of bringing a giant from the Earth. But she had cheated death. And the grief of that weighed on her like a gladiator's trapping net. She was still here, enjoying life while others who had died too soon had to endure death. Alone.
The moon caught the sparkle of her tears as they traced lines down her face.
Dying does horrible things to people, especially when you are a confused 13 year old. Teenager years are supposed to be crazy enough, without waking up each day and wondering why you are still alive. Hazel had thought some pretty dark things at night, when all the lights were out. Things that would mar her friend's innocent view of her forever. But she couldn't stop the shadows and spiders that were making a home in her thoughts. Whenever she opened her mouth to speak her worries, only flies and cobwebs came out.
She found it easier to stay in her own mind, but it was so cold there. Every mention of death hit her heart hard. Death was personal. Death was like an old enemy who had moved in next door, and she could not decide if it had changed its ways to good, or if it was simply hiding its evilness.
And for some reason, death wasn't as scary as before. She almost felt like approaching it.
Like a thousand eerie voices, the wind whistled against the trees. Hazel's golden eyes flashed with a light of her own as she peered cautiously around the forest. She pulled her light jacket closer around her shoulders.
Turning, she followed a familiar path that led to her favorite hideaway. As she followed it uphill, the stars appeared to glow brighter and brighter, until they were swirling just above her head, unmarred by city lights. The rest of the world was asleep, or so she thought.
The grass, damp with dew, spread in front of her feet as she waded through it. Finally, the trees parted before her and she was standing at the edge of the top of a hill. It was a glade, open to the swirling night sky, and ringed by majestic pine trees, pointing their heads skyward, as if they longed to rip up their roots and escape the ground. Hazel could relate to them.
The moon was low in the sky, full and bright. The grass was green, and as Hazel made her way to the center of the circle, she looked out over the forest. It spread on for miles, hundreds of dark trees touched silver with the rays of the moon. It was like a blanket over the earth, warm and safe, while Hazel was exposed to the heavens.
The demigod had always loved the concept of space. Perhaps because she felt it was the one place she was farthest from the ground, and her evil curse. It also made her feel so small, and unimportant. For some reason, that was a very comforting thought. That even though she had cheated death, the stars would still continue to rotate and shine. They didn't care about her, and that made her care about them.
She walked to the center of the glade, where the ground was the most exposed to the sky. Folding her legs, she sat down, arms slack at her sides. She tilted her face up the sky, the stars reflecting on her dark skin and golden eyes. She began to fall in love with the stars.
But of course, her mind returned to the question.
Should I be alive?
And suddenly, it all felt too much. Lowering her head, she buried it in her arms. Silver tears escaped the corners of her eyes and wet her hands. Gentle sobs shook her shoulders, and her cinnamon curls fell gracefully over her neck.
The stars continued to shine over the forest, the ground, and the broken girl waging a war behind her mind.