I couldn't fight it, no matter how hard I tried. Each time I tried to deny it the pain worsened until finally, when I felt like I might die, I had to give in. Call it weakness, if you will, but it gave me strength unlike I had ever known and a rush of adrenaline that I had never before felt, and there was something twisted in me that took pleasure in that.
Looking back on it now I realize how messed up it was. I guess I knew it then, too, but I just wouldn't admit it to myself. Monsters drink blood, and I suppose that admitting that to yourself that you're no longer human, or maybe that you never were, is a painful thing to do.
The first time I gave in to it, I had felt dirty and ashamed of myself, but Ruby soothed me. "Sam, it's perfectly normal to give in to your impulses," she assured me. "This is what will make you stronger."
She was right, it did, but the more I let it happen the more I wanted it. Like a druggie or an alcoholic, more was never enough. I wanted - no, needed - to build up my powers and I couldn't do that unless I upped my intake.
By this point I was so blinded by my lust for the precious red flow that I couldn't think of anything else. I swear I could hear it pumping through Ruby's veins every time I was near her. It about killed me being that close to my temptation. I won't like, there were a few times that I had rolled around the thought of just drinking her but she was to essential to me for that. When I couldn't take it any longer though, she would cut her skin to tide me over until we found another demon to bleed.
There was one time in particular when it was really bad and I was near the point of black outs even with Ruby's generous donations. It just wasn't enough for me. I needed more, so much more. So we tracked a demon to the house of a family out in the country. The thing had taken hold of a ten year old girl and wouldn't let her go. Seeing the opportunity, Ruby and I jumped at it, but it wasn't as easy as in the past.
The difference between adult and child possession is that adults are more likely to be alone at some point in time than a child would be. With children the family feels the need to hide them away and take care of them, and that is what this family did. There was no getting to her without going through the family first.
But, damn it, I needed my demon blood, so we waited until the middle of the night when the family was sleeping to sneak in and douse the girl with holy water and salt before we tied her up and took her away.
As we were trying to exit the house her father tried to attack me and out of reflex I fought back. Blinded by my need to drink, my knife was in his stomach before I knew what I had done. I watched in horror as he collapsed to the ground and spit up blood. I heard his wife shriek and stopped cold, staring at him.
"Sam, let's go!" Ruby barked.
I swallowed hard. "I - I'm so sorry," and then I ran from the house.
When we reached our safe haven we put the demon in the Devil's Trap and begin our torture. We both wanted information and I wanted my high, and we were going to get the two things one way or another.
I won't go into detail about that session because I can't stand to think about it. I know I'm a monster. I really do. That doesn't mean that I like to think about it though.
When we finished, the poor girl drooped over lifeless in the chair. We hadn't intended to kill her but as Ruby had said to me, "accidents do happen."
I couldn't look at her or the girl, so I just hid my crimson stained face in my bloody hands and tried to avoid thinking at all. What was becoming of me?
The smell of the blood on my palms made me hunger for it more, and I silenced it by licking them clean, like an animal after a meal.
After I was done with my deeds, I lifted my face from my hands, and the heat shimmered in my dark eyes. The heat engulfed me, and in the back of my mind I heard that single phrase that had been bugging me for the past few days.
"Some men really do want to watch the world burn."