Sirius wants to scream.
His knees are pressed so tightly together that he cannot remember a time when they were apart. He can't remember when they were not stuck to each other, so much like his thoughts-jumbled up and sticky and clumped like syrupy fingers.
He looks at his watch.
tick-tock, it says.
His deep shaky breaths are slow and contrast with his rapidly beating heart. It doesn't feel like thud thud thud but more like, BOOM BOOM BOOM, and Sirius is sure that it's going to burst out of his chest and leave a gaping black hole. But his heart remains in his chest, thumping painfully fast.
tick-tock.
Sirius still wants to scream.
"You're in love," says someone hiding in the back of his mind. He closes his eyes and sees bright colored spots and blobs and shapes that look like hearts and exes and blood leaking from his thoughts. The rest is darkness. The little person in the back of his mind decides to stampede on his brain, making it pound and pound and pound. Sirius clutches his hair and wills back the tears.
"You're in love with a boy," whispers the little person.
tick-tock.
Sirius presses his face into his still-stuck-together knees. He remembers James' utterly loving words of shining fiery hair and sparkling emerald eyes and she said yes Sirius she said yes. He sounded so...happy to be in love. Sirius had selfishly wanted it too. He witnessed the love pouring from James' bright hazel eyes, the color of pink like Valentine's Day and hearts and flowers, and Sirius wanted to swallow it and keep it for himself. But Sirius' love was a dark red, the color of suffering and blood and heartbreak.
tick-tock.
"You're in love with Reeemus," said the little voice again, mocking him, taunting him and Sirius thinks stop it stop it stop it please stop it.
"Sirius?" there is a soft voice coming up from the steps; Sirius would know that beautiful voice anywhere, "Sirius? Are you okay up there? Breakfast is going to be over soon."
tick-tock, the clock says, re-mus-is-wai-ting-for-you.
Sirius wipes one tear away.
"Yeah, Remus," he yells down the stair case in a surprisingly steady voice, "Yeah, I'll be down in a minute."
re-mus-will-ne-ver-love-you, ticks the clock.
Sirius gets off the bed and walks to the door; he'll go to breakfast, even if he can't eat. Remus is waiting for him. He can't keep Remus waiting.
tick-tock.
He rips the watch off his wrist and hurls it to the ground.
The glass shatters.
So does Sirius.
--