Originally written for the orderoftheloutus community over at livejournal. It was a secret trade and one of my first real attempts at humor. It amused me, so I decided to share it with the world. Enjoy.

Iroh's Advice Column

Smiling, everyone was smiling. It was such a peaceful scene, no tension in the air for the first time in nearly forever. Everyone was laughing and joking and chasing each other.
Except for two.

One, the retired General Iroh who deemed himself too old for games. He'd do just fine on the sidelines with a nice cup of tea, thank you very much.

The other, Miss Toph Bei Fong who had been banned from the current game of Hide and Find by the other players for chronic "cheating". To which she replied with a snort and "it's not my fault you all hide like hippo-bears." before stomping off to join Iroh at the table.

Yes, it was a truly beautiful day. Except Iroh couldn't help but notice a particularly dark aura hanging around the normally cheerful earthbender. He broached the subject carefully, sliding a warm cup of tea her direction and inquiring if all was well.

Toph, for her part, downed the contents of the cup in one gulp before slamming it back on the table. "I'm fine." she growled.

Iroh smiled indulgently. "Ah, of course. My mistake then." and continued to enjoy the environment.

Minutes stretched by, the laughter of the others floating farther away. Toph fidgeted, visibly uncomfortable about something. She toyed with the rim of her tea cup, cracked her toes a few times, and finally sighed loudly. "Hey, Uncle?" she asked quietly, her voice void of the normal bravado.

"Yes Miss Toph?" came his pleasant reply.

"Is there something wrong with me?"

Iroh pretended to consider this for a moment. "Nothing more than any other person, we all have flaws Miss Toph; it is what makes us who we are. Do you believe there is something particular wrong with you?"

Toph snorted, "No, I know I'm perfect, I was just wondering if people recognized my perfection for what it was." She laughed, a loud boarish noise as she stretched her arms over her head. "I mean, it's clear that I'm the brains of the outfit around here, the wittiest one, and the strongest bender. What more could you want?"

The older man smiled, an act lost on the blind girl. "If you were anything else you would not be our Toph."

"Only," she trailed off for a moment, partially hoping the old general would show some psychic abilities and pick up on her thoughts without making her voice them.

He didn't, instead he sat benignly across the table from her, his nice smile firmly in place as he waited for her to continue.

So she tried again, "lately I've been wondering if, maybe there's something...unappealing about me. Like, do I do something that boys would be turned away by?" Toph finished on a slightly hopeful note.

Iroh, who had not been expecting the conversation to turn this direction at all had to take a moment to silently gather his bearings. "Miss Toph, are you asking this old man for dating advice?"

Toph's face turned slightly pink. "If you have to put it in as many words, yes." Then she began babbling slightly as to how she couldn't go to Katara who would inevitably squeal and go on a tangent about how 'just be yourself and it'll work out!' or some other nonsense; and how Mai was still too scary to approach and Ty Lee...well Toph shuddered at the very thought of the pink clad girl.

"Why not Miss Suki?" Iroh inquired gently.

A strange look crossed Toph's face, some expression between happy and I-want-to-stab-you-now "I think a guy's insight would be better?" she offered weakly.

"Do you happen to have a specific young man in mind with these questions?"

Now her face bloomed crimson as she laughed the laugh of someone with something to hide. "Oh Uncle! You are such a riot. Really, you could add a stand up act to your tea shop!"

It was moments like this that endeared the girl to Iroh so much. "Well then, if we are speaking in future tense." Here he paused to allow Toph to fess up to anything that might be causing her face to turn such different colors, "then you would have to take the specific young man into question, what kind of young woman is he drawn to?"

Her face crumpled slightly. She mumbled something darkly to herself and suddenly the conversation seemed to be closed.

*******

The next day found the two sitting at the same table, Iroh drinking the same tea; staring at the same distant tree where his young charges were running amok. Toph was in the same spot on the opposite side of the table, but there were several extremely wrong things with her person. The fact that she had attempted to apply make-up without assistance was painfully obvious. She had a long, faded red streak half way across her face in the rough position of her mouth for beginners. It was apparent that someone had attempted to help her scrub the paints off, giving up when they were a mere shade of their former brightness.

"Boys like mature girls," she said quietly to the table.

"Some do," Iroh conceded.

"Mature girls paint their faces, and walk elegantly and laugh like little birds." she sounded extremely crestfallen.

Deciding this was no longer the time to play politely oblivious, Iroh ventured "did he say anything?"

Toph sighed, resting her head against her hands. "He asked me if it was festival time already. Then offered to help me paint a better demon mask."

He winced. "Perhaps the best course of action would be a direct confrontation; he isn't exactly the sharpest dagger when it comes to emotions." Iroh offered.

His pearl of wisdom was met with a heavy thud; the sound of Toph's head hitting the table. "I know I'm the one that came to you for help, but sometimes I hate it when you're right."

********

Two days passed by uneventfully. Toph had finally been allowed back into the games when they tired of Hide and Find and Iroh had been left in peace to enjoy his tea.

"Um, Iroh...sir..um. General?" came Sokka's voice from the other side of the table.

Iroh smiled warmly, "please call me Uncle. What can I do for you?"

Sokka sat down heavily, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. "You see, Suki and I broke up."

Once again, Iroh found himself in an unexpected conversation. "My sympathies, a lost love is never easy to deal with."

The younger man waved him off, "no, I mean. It's not easy, but it was my choice. You see, I really like Suki a lot and everything but lately, I think I've been having feelings for someone else." Here he looked away, a light blush staining his cheeks.

"Oh? And who would this lucky young woman be?"

Sokka stared down at the table for a long moment, before mumbling; "Toph. But I don't know how to go about this. I mean, she's Toph, definitely not your normal girl."

"So you came to me for dating advice?"

The water tribe boy smiled sheepishly, "if you want to put it in as many words, yes?"