A/N vaguely inspired by the episode 'Mr. Greg' and can be seen as taking place after it, though 90% of it was written before I'd seen the episode.
*Trigger warning*: Mention of Suicide Attempt (twice), display of OCD behaviour and Anxiety attack
It's late at night, a thick blanket of darkness has enveloped Beach City, grey clouds covering the moon which normally would be lighting up the small city.
I've been out on a road trip with Steven and Greg for the day, and now I finally came home. Inside the house, Steven is sleeping soundly, while I'm standing out on the porch and breathing in the cold night air. I'd been hoping I'd be able to look at the stars tonight.
In the sand down below, parked just meters away from the stairs that led up to your little beach house, Greg was preparing to take his leave in his rusty old van. I smile slightly as I recall all the times I'd had to fix it for him. An alien who knew mechanics better than a human.
Taking one last breath in the frigid air, I turn to walk back into the house, maybe make some tea, and then proceed to my own room. I hadn't reorganised my swords in almost a week, so it was more than time for me to do it by now. I could already feel the itching in my fingers, the unstoppable need to touch them, move them and fix the faulty organising.
It was always faulty in my eyes
"Pearl! Wait!" Gregs all to familiar voice called for me, and of course I turned around to face him, because, as I constantly reminded myself, we had reconciled. Steven thought we were friends now.
Me and Greg, we were friends now.
"Yes Greg?" I tried to sound sweet, open, happy, all the ways you expect a friend to sound, but instead it ended up sounding more like I was belittling him, and I blushed. "Sorry"
"It's, ah, alright, I promise." Greg answered, his voice sounding the way I had wanted mine to sound, huffing a bit as he was finally reaching the end of the staircase and joined me on the balcony. "I kind of wanted to talk to you. Can we sit down?"
He pointed over to the shaking, by glue and rusty nails barely held together bench, that he and Steven had built once as a father-son project, and though I had my doubts about whether or not I was going to end up with my ass on the ground, I still complied with Greg's wishes and sit down.
"So, what do you want to talk about?" I ask quietly, sighing in relief when Greg sit down beside me, and the bench still hold. "I know I was a little...off today, and I'm sorry for that but…"
I stopped talking as Greg sign for me to do so, allowing him to say what he wish to say instead.
"I know, Pearl, and believe me when I say this: it's okay. Really. I'm just glad that… that you accept me now." He smile softly, shyly, blushing and probably hoping I didn't see it in the darkness of the night. I did.
It made me feel bad for shutting him out for all of these many years. Steven was all of fourteen years already, I had ignored his father for fourteen years. Nothing for a gem like me, but half a lifetime for a human like him…
"Don't mention it. What was it you wanted to talk with me about? This?" I tried to keep my voice clear of emotion, but there was a lump in my throat and it was hard to keep it neutral.
"Oh yes right...talking." Suddenly he's looking so much more serious, his expression grim and determined. "Well, it's like this, many years ago Garnet told me something, about you, and I've always wanted to ask if… " He trailed off, and I wouldn't know how to finish his sentence, because I didn't know what he discussed with Garnet.
"Greg, with all due respect, get on with it. Ask me, if you want to ask. Please." I was feeling worried and tired and wishing Greg would be less of a knight in shining armour because the wanting to get onto my swords and organising returned to my fingers and there was only so much I could do to not snap at Greg and ask him to leave.
"Did you attempt your life when Rose died?"
I had been rubbing my hands against each other in an attempt to stop the nervous twitching, but now they froze in mid motion, held centimeters apart as my entire body stopped.
The question was like a cold shower and an impossibility hard smack to the face at the same time, throwing me down into an impossibly deep hole filled with dark memories of a day I spent years trying to forget.
Your feet, bare after you dropped your shoes somewhere you can't remember, hitting hard against the sand with every step while you run along the beach. The weight of a jagged rock in your palm, digging into your hand the way you want it to dig into your head. Garnet's voice, going hoarse from the strain as she keep calling for you. Garnets hand coming for you at an impossible speed, destroying everything you worked for. The jagged rock hitting something, finally. Not what you wanted, but something.
The feeling of Garnets hand and arm, which she made taller than usual, wrapped tightly around my waist and increasing the pain from the self-inflicted wound, was a feeling that my body never really forgot.
Right now I could feel it so clearly that I swore I was back in that moment, when it all happened.
"Pearl? Are you okay? "
Of course I'm are not, I realise now. I'm sitting on a rotten old bench on the front porch to the house I built for Steven after Rose died. Greg, the man I've always despised more than everything but now consider my friend, is sitting beside me, and he's waiting for my answer to an impossibly hard question.
"Yes. I did. I attempted my life because I didn't see any point in living if Rose was dead. A Pearl is only meant to exist as long as their owner." This time I don't even have to fight off the emotions, because there is none. It's just something I'm saying, not different from anything else. The meaning of what I was saying had been separated from the words themselves and therefore it doesn't hurt to say them. "Garnet saw the possibility and stopped it, thus resulting in a mere regeneration instead of…"
I didn't finish. I didn't need to. He knew what I was referring to.
"You were gone a lot that year...I barely saw you at all. Not Garnet either, for that part. I just never knew what happened." Greg commented, breaking a moment of grave silence.
I suck in a deep breath, the air almost burning in my throat, and for once, I noticed the increasing cold outside. Though I was constantly warm due to being a gem, I worried about Greg. Steven would be devastated if his father got sick.
Plus, going inside would be distraction enough that I would have the necessary time to figure out what I was going to tell him of all the details that he didn't seem to know.
"Greg, it's obviously we need to talk about this, but… can we do this inside? It's cold, you should be freezing by now." I tried to be nice, but there was a slight feeling of command in my voice.
Greg blushed, ducking and looking away. "I'm fine. Besides, I should get going. Sorry that...Sorry that I asked." He got up to leave, to get in his car and drive away, but I stopped him by grabbing his arm.
"No, it's fine. It's...we should have talked it out long ago. Come" I didn't know if it was for mine or Greg's sake that I was insisting, but insisting I was. Somehow I didn't want to just drop it. "We can be in my room"
Quietly, me and Greg sneaked into the house, I taking a detour to check that Steven's still sleeping and safe, before moving on to the temple door which I opened in order to let my guest in.
"I know it's not much but...it fits our purposes. It's all the privacy and warmth we need to have a proper conversation. " I said, smiling even though my emotions and thoughts were less than happy at the moment
I still can't understand he asked… and that Garnet told him!
Taking a deep breath, I closed the door behind Greg, who had entered hesitantly and sat down as close to the door as possibly, flinching when I lit up my gem to close it behind him.
I wondered how many nightmares he had about this specific situation, about me luring him into the temple and trying to kill him.
Yet tonight, he could have asked anything. If I still hated him, if I ever wanted to kill him, anything. But he didn't. He asked if I had attempted to kill myself when Rose died, something that wasn't even related to him. Something he shouldn't care about, even if Garnet told him.
The ghost pain in my stomach returned with full force as I thought of the fact that it had been Garnet that had told him, that she had betrayed me even though I couldn't motivate why it was a betrayal.
"Uh, Pearl? Are we… can we talk now? Please? It's...it's getting late." Greg stammered, trying not to sound too firm, lest he'd scare me.
"Ah, yes, of course" The imaginary pain doesn't ease one bit as Greg ask me to talk to him, but I know it's my own fault. Greg tried to go and give me a chance to forget again, but I had insisted. "What do you want to know?"
"Please tell me about it. The first year after Rose." He said as much , but didn't elaborate. He just looked me in the eyes and gave me his request.
I didn't know where to start. So much had happened in that year, that it felt like it was going to take a human life-time to tell it all.
"I spent four months regenerating. A personal record to this day. After that, well...I wasn't left alone for the rest of the year. I spent most of my free time in Garnet's room because mine was too dangerous…" I stepped up to the nearest water as I spoke, summoning one of my many stashes of swords that I kept in the room. At least this way I could do some of what I originally intended to while having this highly uncomfortable talk and fighting off ghost-like memories of pain ones inflicted on me.
As I took out my early medieval Spatha and my oldest Estoc, two of my favourite swords in my collection, I noticed that Greg had somehow ended up even closer to the door, practically pressing him against the door in an attempt to, most likely, get away from me. "Greg, is everything alright?"
"Yes, ah, I appreciate that you're willing to tell me all this, because I've wondering for a long time, but...last time you showed me those" At this, he gestured at vaguely at the swords. Though he appeared calm, speaking slowly and in a mild voice to me, I could read in his body language he was nervous. "You had every intention of making me battle you until one of us died!"
I blushed at the memory. The ghost-like pain resurfaced for the fourth time this evening, and I tried to keep in a gasp as it attacked me, making me stumble and fight to keep on my feet. But I couldn't let Greg see me fall, couldn't expose myself as weak even in my weakest moment. This entire conversation was a battlefield and I wasn't planning to lose.
Greg looked at me worriedly but said nothing.
"That Christmas...Steven was almost one and we were planning his birthday...the others were doing fine, but you...you disappeared halfway through. Garnet went to look for you, but she came back without you." Greg told, and I can tell he's asking me to fill in the blanks. Because I've thought so badly of him, he's never had the chance to ask all the questions he wanted to, and now he did.
"I couldn't stay… all I could think of was the weight of the jagged rock in my hand, the pain…" I sat down, no longer able to stand up straight as the imaginary pain in my stomach just kept increasing, paining me with its memory. "I can still hear Garnet calling for me… I know she wanted to seperate, but she kept it together for me...because she cared if I... she cared so much for me and it still hurt!
It was all I had left in me, I couldn't do it any longer. Sobbing desperately, I fell to the floor, keeping myself upright even in sitting position being to much for me to handle. Still cradling the swords I picked up earlier in my arms, I curl into a ball on the floor, trying to forget the memory of that horrible Christmas, as well as the day which memory made that Christmas so horrible.
When I had been laying on the floor for I didn't know how far, I felt a pair of strong arms surround me, lifting me up and holding me close to their chest, so close I could here them whisper 'she's okay' to themselves. With my eyes closed, I couldn't tell who it was that was holding me, but the sensation was familiare. Strong and warm. It reminded me of people I cared for, people that made me feel safe and loved and giving me confidence. It reminded me of Garnet and Rose. Slowly, carefully, I opened my eyes. Once they were open, the first thing I saw was a Cherry patterned sweater. Though it seemed familiar, I couldn't place it, and thus I didn't know who was holding me, but I still smiled. It felt like comfort and smelled like Rose after a day in the human village. Tilting my head upwards ever so slightly, I suddenly saw a bearded face looking down at me.
Greg's face
Realising who was holding me, my happiness and calm disappeared as I felt sudden panic coursing through my body. I moved hurriedly in an attempt to flee from someone who's embrace I couldn't even tell how I ended up in. Still dizzy, however, I didn't get very far. Instead I ended up laying on my back on the floor and having the entire world spinning for my eyes, a feeling of nausea filling my gut and making me want to vomit though I didn't even eat. Everything was too familiar but I still couldn't remember what Greg was doing...wherever I was.
"Pearl!" I felt his hand on my arm, gripping it softly. Disgusted, I tried to pull away, but he only fastened his grip, determine to keep me trapped."Pearl, please. Relax. It's just me, nothing to fear. It's alright."
He spoke softly, like he was talking with Steven, explaining something the fourteen year old boy didn't know. It was sweet and calming, though a bit belittling, but my vision stopped swimming and I calmed down enough to understand where and with who I was, as well as what had been happening.
"Feeling better?" Greg finally released my arm, sensing that I calmed down, and I nodded silently."Do you want to sit up?" Another nod, and I attempted to push myself up into sitting position, only to immediately fall back when my arms failed to support me enough, even going as far as to letting out a yelp of pain when the back of my head collided with the ground.
"Here, let me help you." Greg's strong arm found its way in under my back, carefully guiding me into sitting position and keeping its hold around my waist until he was sure I wasn't going to fall back down. Just the kind gesture of helping me made tears gather in my eyes. It reminded me so much of Rose that I couldn't help but cry.
"T-thank you" I squeezed out, stammering and hiccuping in between sobs.
He looked at me with a kind face, his hand somehow finding its way to mine and landing on top of it. He was warm and though it was a bit sticky, it felt comforting after the shock like experience I had just gone through.
"Can you tell me what exactly happened?" The question taste familiar on your tongue, you had asked Rose this question so many times over and over every time you had this type of attack in the past. After the war it had been a lot, for all of you. All except Rose. She would always be there to explain, sounding happy and carefree though the worry never left her eyes.
The worry didn't leave Greg's eyes as he nodded, ready to comply. "I can't...I can't really know exactly what happened, but I guess I pushed you too far. After you explained about that Christmas you just...fell, and you were screaming like you were in pain for some time. Then you became quite and you were just crying instead. That's when I…" He trailed off, blushing, glancing slightly fearfully at my swords, both of which had ended up beside me.
"Picked me up?" I asked, taking his surprised and fearful expression as a yes. "Don't worry, I did notice someone picked me up...thought it was Garnet or...Rose" I finished the last part of the sentence blushing myself.
"She used to do that a lot? Pick you up bridal-style?" He asked, the worry still in his eyes, but on his lips there was a small smile playing. Probably he was thinking of how Rose always loved carrying anyone who smaller than her.
"Only when I got hurt or had an attack of some kind...mostly after the war. It wasn't a good time for any of us except maybe Amethyst." I admitted, blushing.
He nodded, seemingly out of words to tell, preferring to show silent agreement instead.
I was out of words, too, and realised just how long we must have been talking. Time wasn't much of a concept when I was in my room, but it was probably long after midnight, much too late for Greg to drive home if he was hoping to get any kind of sleep at all.
"How about you sleep on the couch tonight, Greg?" I asked, smiling and winking at his confused face. "We're supposed to be friends, remember?"
I opened the door with the help of my gem, offering him to exit. He gratefully took me up on the offer, walking through the door, only to turn around as it was about to close.
"Just so you know, Pearl, I understand why you tried to kill yourself. I did too. " He smiled at me. "But hey, it's over, isn't it?"
With those words, he made his exit. Leaving me to stand there, stumped, in front of a looked door. I couldn't believe what he had just told me. I couldn't believe Greg, the only one of us who had even been remotely close to what could be defined as 'Stable', had felt that way. Had done that.
But hey, it's over, isn't it?