'First, you think the worst is a broken heart
What's gonna kill you is the second part
And the third, Is when your world splits down the middle
And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself
Fifth, you see them out with someone else
And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have fucked up a little.'
She stands there. Beautiful as ever. In love as ever. Except it's with someone else. She's getting married. She beams proudly as she tells their friends that their nuptials will be after the competition that afternoon. Her beam diminishes as her eyes reach yours. You avert your gaze to the floor in an effort to show how little you really care, but you never were a great liar. You're doing it out of desperation. She can see right through you. Your efforts at stopping the wedding just weren't enough. She just told you not to attend and truth be told that's completely fine with you. How can you watch the one you love marry someone else?
There's always been something there whether either of you wants to admit it or not. The stolen glances in the corridor. The drawings of her on the bathroom stall. From the very beginning she knew it was you to blame. You were cruel because you couldn't accept how you truly felt for her. You blame your past and the way you were raised but somewhere deep down you know that's just another feeble excuse; you were just scared of being broken. She never stopped dreaming and she knew that she was always going to be bigger than this town. You've always known this too, in fact it was the biggest reason you told her not to get married. It would only hold her back.
She storms the stage that afternoon and there's nothing you can do. From the very beginning you've watched the shows and she always performs effortlessly. She hypnotises and mesmerises you. She always has. On some level you think she knows exactly what she does to you. She just can't help that she doesn't feel the same way you do. All you can do now is stand there broken hearted. Except she'll never know she broke your heart. She has no reason to. At least that's what you tell yourself.
After the show you know that you can't let her get married when she's this mad at you. Your friendship has really evolved this year and you'd regret it for the rest of your life if you missed your friend's wedding. Your best friend's wedding. You smile at how weird that still sounds. Rachel Berry is your best friend. She's been there for you through everything; she never once turned her back. Unlike the others. She's been a constant, how could you have avoided falling in love with her?
She's walking down the hall ahead of you, unaware that you're stood there watching her strut away. The New Directions have just won Regionals and she's proud not just of her efforts but the efforts of her team. You smile again, thinking about how much she's grown since you all came together in sophomore year. She's a real team player now.
You cough gently and draw her attention to you. She turns around on her heel and her smile diminishes when she sees you standing there. You're wearing the uniform you once wore daily and it brings back painful memories of the years of anguish and torment for her. Politely you ask her whether she likes it and she slowly nods. You don't know whether she's telling the truth or just being polite in return, but this is the most the two of you have spoken in days. The episode at the bridal shop is still at the front of both of your minds. You discuss the competition and you can't avoid the smile she gives when she says she was singing to Finn and only Finn. Of course she was, he was the love of her life. They were getting married and you just want to make her happy, this might be your only shot at doing that. You say you want to support them both. You'll go. Your heart breaks that little bit more but seeing how happy she is reminds you why you're doing it.
There's nothing you can do to stop her. Immediately after saying you'll be there, her arms spring around your neck and she holds you in the tightest embrace you've ever known. You lied to yourself, this is the hardest thing you're going to have to do today. You know letting go mentally is going to be difficult but letting go of her physically now you know how well she fits in your arms is going to be much more of a challenge. You sigh when she releases you knowing that was the one chance you'll ever get of holding Rachel Berry. Sure she'll hug you again in the future, but one will never be as poignant as that one.
You bid her quick farewell and tell her you'll see her in less than an hour. She'd dropped off a bridesmaid's dress at your home earlier that day, she had a feeling you'd change your mind. Your mind races as you contemplate what she would have done had you not changed your mind. Would your friendship have been broken beyond repair? You know in yourself that you couldn't bear to return to torment her, not now you've finally admitted that you love her.
You're driving as quickly as the law allows. You're constantly checking your phone, the minutes are going by faster than you are. You're stuck behind a tractor and you don't want to risk overtaking. Your phone buzzes and for the briefest of seconds your eyes leave the road. It's Rachel. She's panicking again, thinking you aren't going to turn up. You don't want her to think that or even start without you. You remind her where you've gone. Instantly as soon as you press send your eyes return to the road. You exhale a sigh of relief, that's the first time you've ever sent a text whilst driving. You usually pull in to answer the phone or send a text. It was one of the things you'd promised your Mom the day you got your driver's permit.
The tractor takes the next exit and you have a long stretch of open road. You don't know why they couldn't have their service at the community hall near to where they all lived. That would be too simple, it had to be in the rural area of Lima. Rachel wasn't one for the simple of weddings, whether this was a spur of the moment decision or not. She had to have something a little bit different. Your phone buzzes again, you're about ten minutes away and because the road is clear you know it's okay to go past the speed limit just a little bit. You don't answer the first text because you know how close you are to her. Your phone buzzes again and you know she needs reassurance that you're on your way. You glance to the road and to your phone, you decide to chance it again. You quickly tap out 'On my way' and before you hit the send button your world splits down the middle.
Your Mom tells you that you missed the stop sign and a truck ran right into your car. You were at the direct point of impact and you've suffered spinal cord damage. With any luck you'll walk again, you try and perk up but your mind rushes to her. You wonder if word got to the wedding of your accident, and whether they got married or not. That shouldn't be your biggest concern right now but you really didn't want to let her down.
You later learn that she stayed by your bedside all the time you were unconscious. She didn't get married. You can't help but feel that aids your recovery. You're confined to a wheelchair and have to endure the stares of the other students. You have to convince her that it wasn't her fault. You were the one texting her and no matter how much she thinks she was the one to blame, she really isn't. You get her to come over to you and you hug her. The warmth you feel when she touches you is indescribable and you just wish you could feel it spreading right through your body, but you can't. You stay holding her hand for as long as possible, you just want to be close to her again.
Throughout the rest of the year you're forced to recover and you find someone else to take your mind off her. Except that never really works. When did it ever? At prom you convince Santana that in order to really make your mark and a difference at the school then she needs to win prom queen because when she came through those doors as a freshman she stood no chance and had no hope.
You and Santana sing your duet. You know Santana is singing to Brittany, how couldn't she? They were soulmates. You? Your eyes are permanently fixed on Rachel and the crown that has been placed on her head. You smile and look at how far the two of you have come in a year. Last year you were slapping her in an attempt to quash how you really felt for her. That never really worked.
At graduation, you look towards all of your classmates and smile. You're so proud how grown up and mature each and everyone has come. Even Puckerman. You can't help but frown when you see Finn and Rachel kiss knowing what the man is about to do. He's about to do what you've been trying to do from the very beginning: set her free.
He's booked her train to New York City so she can go and prepare for NYADA, she got in and you can't help but feel sorry for Kurt. He deserved it too. You're going to Yale, which is coincidentally only seventy nine point two miles away from her. You've already surprised her with the train passes and again she caught you off guard and hugged you tightly. You've both worked hard at being friends and you want that to remain, so when she turns up at the train station later that afternoon you place your hand gently on her shoulder to let her know that everything is going to be okay.
Along with all your friends you watch her leave. Rachel Berry, the star who lived on earth. You smile because this is the start of something new not just for her, but for you too. You're leaving soon. You're moving somewhere that is void of Beth, the accident and of Rachel. The three things that broke you the most. You smile because regardless of how you got there, you really did fix yourself...
Summer passed you by in the blink of an eye. Rachel was too busy to see you but she did come and bid you farewell the night she left for New York permanently. She didn't mention Finn but you knew that he was in Georgia. He'd gone the day after graduation. You wished you could be the one to pick up the pieces of her broken heart but that just isn't possible. It's not what she needs right now. She needs independence and the chance to be her own person. The past three years she's been attached to or hung up on Finn Hudson; she never really explored who she is when she's single. New York is going to be the best place for her to do that. She doesn't need an emblem from her past haunting new memories she's making up there.
You're continuously writing essay after essay now. You knew Yale was going to be this much work, this was why you wanted to come here. You needed the academic challenge. You and Rachel trade weekly emails in which she talks about everything she's done and asks you questions. You keep your responses brief trying not to read too much into the fact she keeps in touch with you this frequently. You know she lives with Kurt and she's interested in a new guy called Brody. She told you all about Cassandra July, her 'evil' dance teacher. You think she's probably not that evil, but Rachel's been too comfortable with teachers like Will Schuester who can only envy the talent she has. Her new teachers have a talent to rival hers. Rachel never did like being second best.
Your heart breaks a little bit more when she tells you that Finn turned up and you can sense in her words how happy she is. She tells you how she took him to NYADA and tried to include him in the new life she has going on. You know in your heart that it isn't going to work. Finn's a country boy. You're proven right when she tells you how her return to Lima wasn't what she expected. She loved seeing her Dad but she's finally beginning to understand that perhaps Finn isn't the one she needs or wants to spend her life with. You really want to tell her how you feel but you know it's the one confession that could truly end your friendship. You tell her that you'll come and see her that weekend, you have no work to do and you could do with leaving New Haven.
The weekend is a blast. You forgot how much fun she could be. The two of you laugh from start to finish and you find it refreshing that she has a solid smile on her face. A tear never falls from her eyes. You watch a lot of movies on the Friday night and don't go to sleep until five in the morning. Regardless she's up by ten insisting the two of you spend the day exploring the city. She knows the area like it's written on the palm of her hand and effortlessly guides you around.
You take the ferry from Battery Park and visit the Statue of Liberty. She looks like a local whilst you dart from corner to corner taking as many pictures as your camera would allow. She taps the arm of a stranger and asks them to take a photograph of the two of you. They oblige and your heart warms as she puts her arm around you, you mimic her and you feel her relax into you. The two of you smile the broadest of smiles truly happy and relaxed in the other's company. She thanks the stranger and you both look at the photograph. You aren't silly enough to believe it looks at all like the two of you are a couple on a date, but part of you then returns to that area of your mind and the opportunities to explore a relationship, you feel, are endless.
The weekend draws to a close too quickly for either of your likings. She promises to visit you in a couple of weeks, which gives you time to plan her visit. You're not sure what the two of you can do, but you know there's a play performed by the upperclassmen coming up that you could take her to. You return to Yale happy and secure in your friendship.
The two of you talk a lot more frequently and your filled with a lot of hope. She's flirty and coy when she's talking to you. When she's with you, she's touchy and you often wake up spooning her. She never says anything about it, in fact, you think she's the one who instigates the majority of it. You know you aren't innocent but if she can flirt with you, you think you have the right to flirt back.
Never once when you visit does she mention Brody. Kurt never mentions him either. You hope that her infatuation she had when she first moved to the city has gone. You hope you're the one that's taken his place, except you know that's probably not true. You tell yourself that you need to remain cautious around her. You can't build up a relationship that isn't there.
Thanksgiving you return back to Lima, you'd promised all of your friends that you'd all meet up during this holiday. You smile when you see Santana, despite her break up with Brittany she's surprisingly upbeat. During dinner at Breadstix you tell Finn how sorry you are it didn't work out with Rachel. Funnily enough, Rachel was the only one who could tell when you're lying, so you're fortunate enough to lie to them and only tell them that Rachel is constantly asking you when you're going to visit her. Once the attention deflects from you, you sigh a sigh of relief. You aren't a fan of lying, but you suspect that Santana is aware of your feelings towards the brunette.
Returning to Yale means returning to reality. It's exam season. It's also a week or so until the Christmas holidays. Rachel is busy preparing for the winter showcase which she's been invited to perform in. It's a massive honour and your heart swells with pride that she's been invited to perform. The showcase is on the Friday just hours after your last exam. If you pack before the exam, you could catch the late afternoon train and be there. To surprise her. You have a gift that you really want to give to her before you both return to Lima for the holidays. It's unknown if the two of you will even see each other during the holidays so this is your last chance. Screw it, you can't miss this opportunity. You've always been hypnotised when she performs. She can take your mind off anything. This isn't something you're doing out of desperation.
The train is crammed. Students heading into the city for the weekend to get the last of their Christmas shopping you presume. It was difficult wangling a ticket to such a prestigious event but your donation to the school was greatly appreciated. It was Russell's money, he wouldn't miss it. Kurt doesn't know you're going to be there tonight, you couldn't risk anyone letting slip to Rachel.
As soon as you see the first lights of the city, you're out of your seat and at the train door. The station is packed more than normal so it's hard to fight your way through the crowd. You find what looks to be the cleanest set of public toilets you could find and quickly throw on the dress you packed. It was a high class event so your usual everyday dresses just wouldn't cut it. Leaving your heels until the very last moment, you begin to dash towards the school. Fortunately the subway was a little bit quieter and the time you lost in the rush of people at the station is made up.
You pause at the corner of the school building. She's in there. Soon she's going to wow everyone with her impeccable talent and you can't wait. Your heart flutters at the possibility that tonight is the start of the rest of your lives. For as long as you've been telling yourself that you two would never happen there's always been a voice inside you telling you that you won't know until you try. So you have to. Her gift is on the top of your travel bag, ready to hand to her at the very end. You hope that you're late enough that you can sneak in the back.
Slowly you walk up to the marble stairs and a man is stood there. He's dressed to the nines in the sharpest suit you've seen in a long while. Before you know it a girl is pressing her lips to his and you want the world to eat you up there and then. It's Rachel. That man you presume is Brody. You back away before she can notice you standing there.
Tears roll down your face. You remember that time your heart broke; it didn't feel as bad as this the last time. Pulling out your fake ID you head into the nearest bar and order tequila. You sink three before you finally erupt. The other patrons watch you with interest and you fake a smile and say you're alright. You're far from it, but you aren't nearly drunk enough to tell everyone about the girl who unknowingly broke your heart.
Time is standing still. You're still ordering tequila when the barman says you've finally had enough. This isn't what you wanted to hear. You shout and the truth comes out. You've been in love with Rachel for as long as you can remember. You wanted her to know that. You declare how your heart has been broken beyond repair when you saw her kissing someone that wasn't you. The barman looks at you bewildered and offers you tarot cards and gem stones. You know that that isn't going to work but you're that desperate you even give that a try.
The next day is worse. You wake up in a sleazy motel. The contents of your bag strewn across the room. You figured you were too drunk to carefully look for your pyjamas last night. On the pillow is a satin box. You pick it up and throw it at the wall. The images of her and Brody are still fresh in your mind. You've never been immune to jealousy and it was always going to feature in the friendship the two of you shared. You'll always be jealous of her suitors because the simple fact they're male automatically puts them ahead of you in her eyes.
The phone buzzes. It's Rachel. Gruffly you answer and you can tell in her voice that she's upset. She tells you that she just got your message. Your mind goes wild. What message? Her voice is shaking, as she recalls the things you said to her. You palm your face as not only your hangover kicks in but so do the flashbacks.
You had trashed your hotel room but that had already been made apparent to you. You remember picking up your phone and dialling her number. It went straight to voicemail. You remember being sharp and cruel in your words. You know it isn't even worth defending yourself anymore. You know for a fact that you've fucked up this time. You can't go back. You have to try and find some closure.
Closure. You've been looking for that for the past three years. It's always just that little bit out of your reach. Silently you forgive her, you don't have the right. You should be asking for forgiveness but you're too proud. Any chance you thought you might have had with her never existed. You've gone through the six degrees of separation. It's over.
Inspired by this: futue-te-ipsum DOT tumblr DOT com / post /41252280349 /six-degrees-of-separation
Remove the brackets and spaces... the song is 'Six Degrees of Separation' by The Script!