Behind the Benches
Note and Disclaimer: Have to say this every time, but I don't own the storylines, plots and characters of M*A*S*H. I just like writing about its characters, like the rest of you do.
With all of the loud cheering and the screaming of obscenities from both teams, I can hardly hear myself think.
Yes, it is another football game, the 4077th against the 21st Evac Hospital and there's money involved. I am supposed to refereeing this game, but with everyone calling out the plays for me (and the wonderful nurses, as cheerleaders, blocking my view constantly), I can't seem to…well, referee this game. The other chaplain, from the 21st Evac, Father Hendrix, is equally frustrated, as he, too, is supposed to be helping me with the game. On the other side of the field, he stands there behind his own wall of nurses and wounded men, scratching his red head as his eyes barely glance over the wide pom-poms, crutches, plaster casts and the heads of hair.
And then, there's Colonel Blake with General Barker in another corner, both commenting on the game, with the latter criticizing the former. So far, according to them, we're only ahead by a touchdown and there's two minutes left in the game. Klinger (wearing a dress visibly under his gear), Spearchucker, Ugly John, Trapper, Hawkeye, Radar (without his teddy bear) and a few others are hurdled up in a corner, trying to figure out how to intercede the 21st Evac's last attempt at tying the game.
Much as I am not supposed to take sides, I do wish that the 4077th won this game, as they did with the last. Of course, the 21st Evac had…well, let's just say a little hindrance as a cloud of smoke enveloped them.
Oh, Lord, please help us. I know I'm not really expected to take sides, but I beseech Your help our team win this football game!
As I scan the men of our team in that circle, I noticed that someone was missing. Major Burns, who was elected to the team at the last minute (and also very grudgingly by Hawkeye, Trapper, Spearchucker and Ugly John), was somehow gone from the field and from the sidelines full of wounded men, enlisted personnel and nurses. Although he was not needed in the final minutes of the game, he was expected to at least be present with his teammates and the unit.
I looked around the circle of nurses around me and found out that Major Houlihan was also missing. This gave me a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Where could they be?
Colonel Blake seemed more enthusiastic than I was at the moment, not knowing what was going on. "Aaaannndddd they've off! It's the final two minutes of the game, folks, and boy, we sure are getting' riled up here and –"
"Blake, shut up and just commentate," General Barker interrupted as I headed around the women and towards the benches. "Your unit is up by a touchdown. The 21st has the ball for the final play. That's all we need to know."
"Yes, Sir," Colonel Blake replied quietly as I saw both of the Majors missing from the benches as well.
Where could they have gone to? Well, if I was Major Burns, with a wife I didn't like, and in love with somebody else and she was missing as well, where would I be? Could they have gone out for a quick moment alone?
I rounded around the stair-like seats, seeing nothing and nobody, but stood there in the back of the benches, scratching my head once more. I was about to turn around, to go back to the game and see what happened, when a woman's pink bra suddenly hit me in the head, rounding its straps around my neck in a fragrant embrace.
I was shocked, to say the least, and unwrapped the lavender coated bra from my neck as fast as I could. Like Moses smashing those pagan idols, I ran back quickly to the nurses, pushing them left and right gently before I finally saw Spearchucker, with Trapper and Klinger (tripping over his dress) behind him, pick the ball from the 21st and run for another touchdown.
Go, go, go!" I yelled along with the others, trying to show everyone that I didn't come across what they think I did (despite the smell). "Go, Spearchucker! Win it!"
Within seconds, Spearchucker was at the ten-yard line with Klinger and Trapper pushing players of the opposite team out of the way. And then, there it was. With Hawkeye, Ugly John and Radar running behind Trapper and Spearchucker (as if to prevent the 21st from mobbing them, which was what appeared to be happening), Colonel Blake announced another touchdown for the 4077th and the game to us.
Even amidst our cheers (and the winning jackpot being passed over to Colonel Blake by General Barker), I saw Father Hendrix wink at me before running off to separate the 21st players from ours. A mob was already starting and it was only the beginning of yet another fight between us and another unit, which would result in more than just wounded egos.
Out of the blue, before I could run to help Father Hendrix, Major Houlihan was next to me, blue and purple bite marks all over her neck. "Father, you have to help them!" she screamed in my ear. "Help them! It's against regulations to be fighting like this!"
What can I do? I smiled, running to cheer on the 4077th and to keep the 21st from killing us.
After through all this, though, I could still feel Major Houlihan's perfumed bra wrapped around my own neck, the smell of lavender filling my nose. However, I would never envy the man who has her.