Qynn Shepard had never been so lost in her life.
No, scratch that.
The slaver attack on Mindoir that had turned her life upside down; leaving friends and family dead or taken to parts unknown had been the worst thing she had ever gone through, her present situation ran a close second.
Why could nothing in her life be easy? The chaos she unintentionally kicked up hovered around her like a proverbial raincloud. She was starting to wonder if she enjoyed it on a subconscious level. Everything eventually turned into a tangled mess despite her best efforts to keep it together each and every time.
Her Thessian Sunfish swam in a tight group around the tank, oblivious and unconcerned with events that transpired on the other side of the glass. She watched on, envious that she did not have that luxury.
Things were just beginning to fall into place. She had the Council and, potentially, the Alliance on her side, but now she was on the verge of losing what mattered most to her; her crew.
How could she let it come to this?
She and her team had just scraped by with a victory; the Collectors' base had been reduced to crumbling rubble orbiting a dying star, and they had made it safely back through the Omega 4 relay. They'd put a stop to the human abductions for the time being and there were no casualties to speak of, unless you counted the Normandy.
The last-minute upgrades had saved their asses, but the ship had suffered some critical damage. It was barely able to limp its way back to the Citadel with a breached hull and one of the engines was out of commission. The trip would take them twice as long to reach the station as it had to leave it, but she wasn't complaining. She was merely grateful that they'd all survived.
Now came the hard part: What did they do next?
Telling the Illusive Man to take a walk had seemed like a good idea at the time, but hindsight was 20-20. Without his funds and information, they were as good as dead. She wasn't even sure they had enough resources to get the ship repaired, let alone rally any forces towards their cause. Anxiety gnawed at her mind as their objective seemed to slip further from their collective grasp. There was no way they could save humanity with one severely broken ship.
Miranda, ever forward thinking and dutiful, insisted that she had everything well in hand. The only thing the Commander needed to worry herself with was being ready when the time came, but that was easier said than done.
Under any other circumstances, that would have been a good deal. Qynn hated all the bureaucratic crap that came with trying to get things in order and usually, she would have been more than happy to let Miranda handle it, but she found herself was reluctant to become so complacent. That was when you ran into problems.
Despite her Executive Officer's assurances, the Spectre decided to take matters into her own hands. For the last hour, she'd been sending out feelers, looking for anyone of rank who might still hold her in some regard and would give her the time of day.
Humans were the Reapers' primary target now, due in no small part to her, and the Alliance needed to take action. It came as no surprise that the top brass would be more inclined to listen to someone with tenure than someone who'd been flagged as working with Cerberus. A few names sprung to mind, but pursuing them would be fruitless. Most of them had been teachers at the academy, others she's served under before she worked with Anderson; she had no way to contact them, no way to find out what ships they were on or if they were still serving at all.
She only had one concrete lead that she knew would yield results. He was her best lead and the person she least wanted to contact; Kaidan Alenko.
Qynn wasn't upset that they were no longer together; on the contrary, she understood it perfectly.
There hadn't been much holding them together from the start other than them being in a confined space for extended periods of time. They had been attracted to each other, that much was obvious, but it wasn't enough to build something that would last.
They were two very different people, from different backgrounds and different sets of ideals. There were times when she thought she knew him, but he'd showed her just how wrong she was back on Horizon.
If the tables had been turned, she would have believed him. She would have listened to what he had to say and reserved judgment instead of flying off the handle and being angry with him for things that were not in his control. That was the difference between them; he was too hot-tempered. The man she'd thought she'd known when they took on Saren was gone, jaded by the world he'd seen in her absence. She didn't begrudge him that. Two years was a long time, and time changes people. It would have never worked between them, she'd realized, though the knowledge did nothing to ease her temper.
Her tired gaze fell on the clock displayed on the bottom of her terminal that she'd been sitting in front of for the last hour. She'd been trying to think of what to say to him, but there had been no progress to speak of. She'd hunted through her read messages until she came across his, taking his extranet address from it.
She didn't know why she read it again and again. It just stirred up more bad feelings. Four messages had been written and deleted, too riddled with profanities to send.
Hate was far too strong a word to describe her attitude towards Alenko; resent implied she still harbored feelings for him -albeit negative ones- which wasn't quite right, either. The discourtesy of the whole thing was what got to her.
Where did he get off treating her like that? Hadn't they been friends before they'd become lovers? Did he consider her feelings at all before he'd thrown those disparaging remarks at her?
If he were there now she would have slapped the crap out of him and told him to get his head out of his ass and open his eyes. Fortunately, for him, millions of miles separated them at the moment so a message would have to suffice.
She sipped at her tumbler of warm tequila and grimaced as it burned its was down her throat. It tasted awful but she forced it down, the bolstering side effects worth the pain. As she looked over the rim of her glass, her gaze fell upon the prone form of the sleeping drell in her bed.
He'd tried to stay awake with her in a show of moral support, if she needed it, but he'd succumbed to fatigue soon after he arrived. The last few weeks hadn't been easy for anyone aboard the Normandy and the worst was yet to come. They all needed to find solace where they could find it.
A broad grin crossed her features as she watched him breathe tranquilly. The sporadic naps he'd grown accustomed to in his line of work were replaced with a deep, restful sleep. She was glad that he was finally able to relax enough to let himself truly rest, even more so that he'd found that peace with her.
He'd come into her life at a time when she wasn't looking for love, but she was far from inconvenienced, she grateful for him just the same.
Through hours of conversation, they'd found that they truly complimented each other; both understood and regretted the need for people like themselves, but it was a sacrifice they both made willingly; she because she resolved to try to prevent the events of Mindoir from happening somewhere else in the galaxy, and he because that's what he'd been raised to do.
He understood her soft heart and she did not have to hide it in front of him. Instead, he cared for her because of it, and she felt the same for him.
A pang of guilt jolted her as her thoughts wandered and she considered who else might have been laying there if not for the odd twist of fate.
You're tired and thinking about stupid things. Get this done and go to bed!
She set down her glass and set to work, attacking the task at hand.
Kaidan,
Before you get all up in arms, let me say that this is not an attempt to visit the past. I just have something I need to say and I need you to take me seriously.
No matter what your feelings are towards Cerberus or me, we have bigger problems. I need you for this fight. The Collectors were working under the influence of the Reapers. They were taking colonist and performing experiments on them, changing them into something not human.
You were with me on Ilos. You saw what happened to the Protheans there, how they were changed, mutated. I've attached some footage taken on the Collector's base so you can see for yourself.
There's more where that came from if you need further convincing.
I know you're ultimately going to make your own choice, but as someone who served with you, as a friend, I'm telling you not to just take what you're told.
Think for yourself, you'll see that I'm right.
You know how to reach me.
Qynn
It was far from eloquent, but it would have to be good enough. She just hoped she didn't sound like a lunatic. She jammed the Enter key and sent the message on its way before she lost her nerve and deleted it like all the rest.
The screen went dark again as she sat in silence, evaluating what she'd just done. Assuming Kaidan would have someone he could go to was a long shot, if he read her message at all. If he didn't, there were still other avenues to explore. They might be sparse in number, but a slim chance was better than no chance at all.
Satisfied that she'd accomplished what she set out to do, she drained the rest of her glass and crept into bed, taking care not to wake the sleeping assassin.
As she drew the sheets up to her chest, Thane's arms curled around her waist as he pulled her body against his. He murmured something into the crook her neck, too far gone to be coherent. All of the bitterness that had built up over the last hour slipped away, as she felt his warmth enveloping her.
It all seemed like a waste of time now, when she could have been lying here with him instead of brooding.
It wasn't a mistake she'd make again.
There were only so many things she could do in an evening. Anything else would keep until morning.