Chapter 1: How on Earth Did You Become a Chem Teacher?
The class sat soundly at their desks, apprehension and anticipation building into a chorus of uncertainty.
Everyone had been talking about him; he'd been the center of gossip and discussions alike for the entire summer, perhaps even before then.
Now, with the first day of school minutes away from arrival, the lucky, or perhaps unlucky, few within Pre-AP Chemistry anxiously waited. They waited because after the longest time, the school had finally replaced the old chemistry teacher, and such a large change within the school ecosystem had everyone on edge.
The previous chem teacher, Mr. Bernard, was a short and stubby old man with grey hair and wrinkles galore, and he had recently retired. No one held any ill will towards him. However, no one really liked him particularly much, either. He was just a teacher, and a slightly grumpy one at that, but he got the job done, so that was good enough. Nothing special, nothing spectacular, but in no way unpleasant.
No one knew what to expect. Apparently, this new teacher was only about to enter his second year of teaching, which made everyone feel nervous. The newer teachers were always a fifty-fifty gamble between classroom bliss or a hodgepodge of inexperience and stick-in-the mud rule-following, and everyone hoped for the former scenario.
Seconds turned to minutes, and as time seemed to both slow to a snail's crawl and melt away too quickly for anyone to remember, a squeaking of shoes echoed outside the science room. Everyone jolted at the sound of the door being slammed open, and in slid a man. Well, maybe. Everyone would soon figure out that while he had the body of an adult, he had the demeanor and attention-span of an excitable five-year-old.
The bell rang, and there the new teacher stood, frazzled and sleepy-looking yet with a gleeful expression on his face. Countless eyes stared him down, and the students could only hope that he was at least half-decent at lecturing.
The teacher in question wore a formal, albeit rumbled, light blue dress shirt and a pair of black dress pants, which also could've used a single iron in, like, ever. That didn't seem so bad, but when the class got a good look of the rest of him, jaws went flying as eyes widened to golf-balls.
His skin was pale, almost blindingly so, and as time went on, no one would ever be able to agree whether his hair was blonde, silver, or platinum, with the topic of his hair color eventually being relegated to the basement where all the school's unsolved mysteries sat, and there they stayed. Forever. Never to be solved or even looked at again.
He also appeared to be quite muscular underneath his clothing, which heavily contradicted the stereotype of the shy and nerdy science teacher, and a smug, somewhat douchey grin plastered itself onto his face. For the rest of the school year, rarely did this grin leave him, but when it did, you knew that things were serious and shit was about to hit the fan.
And, to add to the oddness of it all, for some reason, a small yellow bird hovered around his shoulder. Weren't pets not allowed at school?
Everyone's stares then moved onto the new teacher's eyes. His eyes were red, with a slight chance of being demonic, and some thought in their heads whether they should pull out the rosary beads and holy water and perform an exorcism. However, upon noticing the cross he wore as a pin on his shirt, those students were convinced that he wasn't the devil, despite his eerily red irises, because crosses hurt demons.
Silence. For two seconds. Two seconds was all it took for this new teacher to flip everyone's mind around and make them dizzy at the stream of words that continuously flew out of his mouth. Everyone thought he was German based off his accent, but he would constantly insist that Prussian blood ran through his veins, even though that country no longer existed. Five seconds in, and everyone came to the conclusion that the school year ahead of them would be a glorious cluster-fuck.
"Hello! I am the awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt, but I guess you can call me Mr. Beilschmidt, and for the rest of the year, I will be your AWESOME CHEM TEACHER!" the teacher all but screamed at the top of his lungs, and his smile became inhuman. Okay, so perhaps he was a demon. It also only made logical sense for Mr. Beilschmidt to kick one leg up on a vacant chair while his small bird continued to hover above him, but despite all that, the animal didn't even flinch. That bird was probably used to Mr. Beilschmidt's obnoxious awesomeness, and upon such a realization, the particularly religious among the class shot up a quick prayer for the little bird and his mental state.
Holy fuck was Beilschmidt loud. And obnoxious. And annoying. And downright hyperactive, with the worse case of ADHD anyone had ever witnessed.
And awesome. Don't you ever forget the awesomeness.
With his leg still on the chair, Mr. Beilschmidt pointed to the bird above him and exclaimed, "And this is Gilbird, MY AWESOME BIRD!"
Wait, holdup, why did he name his bird after himself? And why was seemingly half of his dialogue typed in all caps? And why did he give off the vibe of being an over-the-top anime character in a past life? Questions upon questions floated through everyone's head, but even as they spent more time with Mr. Beilschmidt, none of those questions ever got answered. In fact, the amount of questions everyone had about him just continued to snowball into an asymptote as the year went on.
"Okay, I'm about to call roll, make sure everyone's here and all that cheese," Mr. Beilschmidt announced as he reached for his roll call clipboard, and after a quick glance, he said aloud, "I'm not too picky over if you say 'present,' 'here,' or if you light a smoke signal. Just signify in some way that you're here, and correct me if I make a pronunciation error."
Everyone hoped that Mr. Beilschmidt had been kidding about the smoke signal, because within this school existed people who would eagerly take advantage of the very suggestion of lighting a fire during roll call.
"Andrew Neil?" Mr. Beilschmidt, a bit louder than socially acceptable, called out.
"Present!"
"Antonio Vargas?"
"Here!"
"Brain Williams?"
Before Brian Williams even had a chance to speak, Mr. Beilschmidt interrupted in apparent realization and elation. "Hey! Williams is Birdie's last name!"
"Birdie?" someone questioned. "As in Gilbird?"
"No, that's just what I call my partner," Mr. Beilschmidt replied. "It's a nickname that stuck."
"Oh, so your girlfriend?" that same student asked, but Mr. Beilschmidt didn't reply. "Or wife?"
. . .
"Boyfriend."
. . .
The class froze.
"I'm gay," Mr. Beilschmidt clarified.
The class froze again, but Mr. Beilschmidt seemed unfazed.
"In terms of coming out of the closet, this ain't my first rodeo, alright? And, in all fairness, this isn't the worst reaction I've gotten," Mr. Beilschmidt told them, his tone casual, disinterested, and nonchalant. Judging by how easily he disclosed the fact of him having a boyfriend, the class assessed that Mr. Beilschmidt was quite acquainted with the prospect of coming out, and at this point was even bored of it.
"HERE!" Brian Williams broke through awkward, awkward silence, and Mr. Beilscmidt continued.
"Cindy Roy?"
"Present!"
"Carter Gagnon?"
Carter gave Beilschmidt a thumbs up.
"Dennis Lee?"
"I'm here!"
And so roll call continued in relative peace, the class still surprised but not uncomfortable at their teacher's willingness to discuss his sexuality, and then the real party began.
When Mr. Beilschmidt finished attendance, he brought his leg down from the chair and slammed his clipboard onto the lab bench that stood next to the whiteboard. Then, he swiped a stack of papers off said lab bench.
"I don't think you'll be too surprised, but there're some forms you guys have to bring home and sign, including a safety agreement, as this is a science class. If either you or your parents refuse to sign the weaver, legal mumbo jumbo, blah, blah, blah, you won't be able to participate in labs. Also, there'll be a list of safety rules on the back you'll have to go over for a quiz this Friday. If you fail, you'll have to either keep retaking until you do pass or sit out during labs, which is something that I doubt any of you want, but," Mr. Beilschmidt turned to the class, his ever-present smirk growing, "I don't think that some common sense questions will be too difficult for you guys."
So Mr. Beilschmidt was cocky in both his and other people's abilities, which, the class would learn, isn't always a bad thing when you need someone to believe in you.
Mr. Beilschmidt counted enough papers for each row, and he handed the person at the front of each row a counted mini-stack. Then, he instructed them to pass the papers down for efficiency, explaining that the aforementioned mini-stack method would be policy for the rest of the year.
Okay, okay, so far, not too terrible. Mr. Beilschmidt looked and acted a bit unusual, but as of this point, his methods and policies seemed reasonable enough.
Then, something happened. Something happened that surprised everyone. It surprised every single student within the room, but not in a bad way.
The change in the room's mood was instant.
"As these are our very first moments together, I want to make something very, very clear," Beilschmidt said, the sudden increase in volume startling everyone for not the last time. Suddenly, the atmosphere grew serious. The students could've sworn that the temperature had dropped ten degrees, and when all eyes returned to their teacher, there flickered a glint in his red irises, a glint that told everyone that he meant business.
This would be the first, but definitely not the final, time everyone would see him like this. In fact, when it came to the matters Mr. Beischmidt was about to yell at everyone about, he would, every time, become uncharacteristically serious, and it was a seriousness that could scare the daylights out of anyone, especially out of those who knew him well, as such a tense mood proved to be highly, highly unusual for the hyperactive and happy-go-lucky teacher.
His voice started out as a low rumble, but as he continued, he gained volume, intensity, attention, and, surprisingly, people's respect, for what he was about to say carried great relevance to a crowd of insecure and unsure teenagers.
"I want you all to listen and listen closely, alright?"
Silence. By the way, silence would become a rare phenomenon within these four walls that had been plastered with Einstein posters and periodic tables, if that hadn't been obvious enough, and such a silence would only befall in Mr. Beilschmidt's presence if he allowed for it.
"Everyone nod," Mr. Beilschmidt said.
So, everyone nodded.
"Okay, good," Mr. Beilschmist continued, just as intense, if not more, than before.
"This classroom, this very classroom, will be a comfortable and SAFE place for EVERYONE. No if's, and's, but's, NOTHING, and I DO NOT CARE if you think I'm some sensitive snowflake who says everyone's special, because I am SERIOUS in regards to what I'm about to say.
There will be NO HOMOPHOBIA.
There will be NO TRANS-PHOBIA.
There will be NO RACISM.
There will be NO XENOPHOBIA.
There will be NO MAKING FUN OF OTHER PEOPLE'S, OR OTHER PEOPLE'S LACK THEREOF, RELIGION,
There will be NO SEXISM.
There will be NO BULLYING.
There will be NO SLURS of ANY kind.
There will be NO DISRESPECT from and to ANYONE, including ME.
Pranks are funny; HATE CRIMES are NOT.
There will be NO HARASSMENT, EVER. That means no VERBAL or PHYSICAL attacks, because TRUST ME, you DON'T want to know what it's like to be cursed out just because you KISS your PARTNER of the SAME GENDER in PUBLIC.
People dare say 'How DARE they" when I hug my BOYFRIEND while we're minding our own business on a lunch date of all things, and then my poor MATTHEW BIRDIE WILLIAMS is trying not to cry because he's been made to feel ASHAMED of LOVING. And then, the stupid homophobes will HAVE the AUDACITY to tell him to man up when they're the ones being CHILDISH, IMMATURE, and PLAIN HATEFUL. Plus those same people will probably turn around to the poor witness behind them and scream at them to go back to their own country even though that person they're screaming at RIGHTFULLY lives in THIS COUNTRY.
If I see someone be so NASTY and MEAN and just plain DISRESPECTFUL to someone else, I will do ANYTHING within my power to stop any sort of hate crime, hate comment, or ANYTHING that makes ANYONE feel physically or emotionally UNSAFE, because NO ONE deserves to be harassed over which gender they LOVE, which gender they feel the most COMFORTABLE as, what skin color they're BORN WITH, where they're FROM, what RELIGION they follow, if any AT ALL, or ANYTHING and EVERYTHING about them as a person, because as long as you aren't hurting other people or yourself, you should be able to be ANYTHING you WANT TO BE.
I don't care whether someone identifies as a FLIPPING SPATULA. They're not hurting anyone? SO BE IT. I WILL NOT JUDGE, and they, TOO, SHOULD BE TREATED WITH RESPECT.
DOES EVERYONE UNDERSTAND?
DOES EVERYONE GET THAT THIS CLASSROOM WILL BE A PLACE WHERE EVERYONE RESPECTS EACH OTHER, INCLUDING ME RESPECTING YOU GUYS AS STUDENTS AND AS PEOPLE?
If I catch anyone bullying anyone, which includes students and even TEACHERS outside of my classroom range, and I am very serious about this. If I catch someone harassing another, I WILL write them up, and there WILL be consequences. I DID NOT move HALFWAY across the WORLD to escape my crazy, nutty, religiously-fundamental parents who DON'T accept their own son for the way they ARE, to witness the same thing happen in CANADA of all places.
IS EVERYONE, ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE, CLEAR?"
. . .
And, just as suddenly as Mr. Beilschmidt started his very clear and very tense speech, he stopped, leaving everyone's neck hairs standing. The class may have felt a little scared, but also, a wave of relief washed over a boy named Joseph, who, unbeknownst to the rest of the class, was gay and in the closet and unable to come out due to fear of retaliation from his parents - foreshadowing for later -.
The confidant grin returned. Terrifying red eyes grew light and humorous again. Mr. Beilschmidt returned to normal so quickly that it pushed some students to do a double-take, but there he was, as overly-energetic as ever, and he continued as if he hadn't just gone off spouting the most intense defense of human dignity and respect anyone had ever seen.
"NOW THEN!" Mr. Beilschmidt walked - no, jumped - in front of the whiteboard, startling everyone with his sudden outburst in the process. They'd grow accustomed to it, though. Mr. Beilschmidt rarely yelled or did anything out of malice or anger; he was just really, really loud.
"Since today is only the first day, I believe that it would be rude to not introduce myself, because you'll be stuck with me for the next nine months!" Mr. Beilschmidt strode over to his computer, inserted a flash drive, connected said computer to the projector, and pulled up an introductory PowerPoint, as well as, interestingly enough, a quite long, quite thin tree branch.
At least he didn't fumble with the technology like some of the newer teachers often did.
"So, as you all know," Mr. Beilschmidt said as he used his tree branch to point to the projected PowerPoint, "my name is Gilbert Beilschmidt. I would've had you guys just call me Gilbert because it's easier for the author to spell, but Birdie told me that it's kind of weird to call teachers by their first name, so you're stuck with spelling out Beilschmidt on your test forms."
He pulled out a slide entirely dedicated to the spelling of his name, and, while using his stick to point out each individual letter, he exclaimed, "It's B-E-I-L-S-C-H-M-I-D-T, Beilschmidt. It might take a while to learn the spelling, but I have 180 names I have to remember, so I think you guys got it easy. Also, before anyone says anything, I am Prussian, NOT German, and you can't tell me otherwise!"
"But Prussia no longer exists!" someone dared to say. Everyone else in the class either slammed their heads onto their desks with exasperation or did so in their head.
Mr. Beilschmidt's smile dropped for half a second, and that same person immediately shut up. The dissolution of Prussia was obviously a sore topic for Mr. Beilschmidt.
Out of nowhere, Mr. Beilschmidt chuckled, and the rest of the class, in a half-amused, half-uncomfortable manner, did the same. Mr. Beilschmidt laughed and laughed and laughed, each cackle growing louder than the last, and a terrifying kesesese sound thundered from his lips, a sound that sent shivers down everyone's spine. Was that supposed to be a laugh? Because all of this pointed towards Mr. Beilschmidt being the actual devil in disguise.
To everyone's relief, Beilschmidt's god-awful laugh eventually stopped, which gave the space a moment of silence and a much-appreciated chance to breathe.
"Alas!" Mr. Beilschmidt exclaimed in both a dramatic and exaggerated manner, breaking the very brief moment of silence. "I must move on from my awesome name!"
Doing as he said he would, he - hesitantly - clicked to the next slide.
"So as you all know, you are in Pre-AP Chemistry. Now, this is by no means the easiest class in the world, and it's potentially a huge jump from last year, but I hope that if we work together well enough and don't yell at each other every five minutes like my brother and I, we can make this work. Speaking of my brother, though, there's a picture of him."
Mr. Beilschmidt, just for a second, looked nostalgic, and he clicked to the slide which apparently contained a picture of his brother. When the image popped up, he spoke, or rather, he performed a hybrid screech-laugh that somehow produced coherent words.
"This handsome fella is Ludwig. He's a bit of a control freak, but I'm stuck with loving him since we grew up together." Mr. Beilschmidt then pulled up yet another image, "And this is Feliciano. He's about as smart as a carton of pasta, but still a good friend of mine and Ludwig's, and I feel as if," Mr. Beilschmidt paused for a moment before giving his class a suggestive wink, "he and Ludwig are, so speak, a bit more than friends."
The students went silent for a moment, half of their faces turning red out of the sheer awkwardness of what Mr. Beilschmidt had suggested, and for a few skin-curdling moments, the only sound anyone could hear was that 'kesesese.'
After wiping off the tear of laughter from his eye, a tear that came about due to everyone's collective expression of shock, Mr. Beilschmidt thankfully quieted down and continued pulling up images for him to narrate.
"You guys already know about him, but this is Gilbird, my awesome bird! Birdie and I adopted him from a shelter, and now he's pretty attached to both of us. We've had him since we started dating three years ago, and last, but certainly not least."
Beilschmidt's face went red as the biggest, goofiest, most love-struck smile ever spread across his face, and everyone could've sworn that they saw hearts and butterflies flutter around him. His expression grew wistful and loving, and when he clicked to the next picture, his expression was that of complete and utter adoration. "It was hard to pick which picture of Birdie to include because he's so adorable in all of them, but after three hours of deliberation, I decided on seven!"
On the PowerPoint, there were, indeed, seven pictures of a blonde-haired, violet-eyed man who had a curl near the top of his head, and the class had to admit that Gilbert's Birdie looked quite adorable. They also wondered how Beilschmidt had managed to score such a precious-looking cinnamon-roll.
Mr. Beilschmidt resumed chattering almost immediately, him being able to talk about his precious Birdie even more than he talked about himself.
"EVERYONE, I present to you my beautiful boyfriend, MATTHEW WILLIAMS, a.k.a. BIRDIE. Look at him! Look. At. This. Man. AND TELL ME HE IS NOT THE MOST ADORABLE PERSON ON PLANET EARTH, NO, THE UNIVERSE, NO, THE MULTIPVERSE! JUST LOOK AT HIM! HE'S SO CUTE! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH! HE'S EVEN MORE AWESOME THAN I AM!"
He was screaming at the top of his lungs as his face turned into a tomato, steam pouring out of his skull not unlike how someone would in an anime.
Mr. Beilschmidt clasped his hands together, and as if he was the most lovesick person in the world - he probably was -, he stumbled back dramatically, then fainted, for the rest of class.
Well, this was going to be quite the year. And Mr. Beilschmidt had definitely existed as an anime character in a past life, that much being certain. Everything else, though, remained up in the air.
I hope that you enjoyed the first chapter of Our Obnoxiously Awesome Chem Teacher! I had a lot of fun writing this, and with luck, the next chapter should be coming out soon!
Hopefully, I will be able to make you laugh, cry, get angry, and everything in between because even though this story is under the humor category most of the time, get ready for an eventual good punch of the feels directly into your heart. Keep your eyes especially peeled for the chapter that was foreshadowed about Joseph, because I plan on that being one of the most, if not the most, intense chapters in the story.
Please review, favorite, and follow if you're interested, because I'd really like to see what you think, and other than that, have a nice day. :)