Title: I've Been Here Before
Fandom: The O.C.
Author: Femslashqueen
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Kirsten/Sandy
Archive: If you ask me first
Spoilers: The Ties That Bind
Written for: kandyshippers challenge #1 - Hallelujah
A/N: Song is Jeff Buckley's, I don't own i The O.C. /i , this is the first O.C. piece I've written and while I'm not that fond of it, it is a start, I liove Kandy but I abuse them in this story, this is an exploration of alcoholic!Kirsten and Sandy's helplessness
And baby I've been here before,
I seen this room and I've walked this floor.
She buries her head into his chest and sobs, inconsolable, he runs one hand through her messy blonde hair, wraps the other firlmy around her waist and feels utterly helpless, knowing what will follow.
He thinks for a second that he hates Ryan and Seth for doing this to her.
It is rare that she shows any real emotion, her genuine smiles, those of pure unadulterated joy are few and far between, to see her cry is even rarer.
The last time was the night after her mother's funeral, then just like now he held her tight, let her cry, let her drink a whole bottle of vodka the next day and the day after that.
He knows, has know for years that she is an alcoholic, a functioning alcoholic (most of the time) but that small distinction makes little difference to him.
He feels guilty, he has no idea how to help her, the few times he has tried she has shutdown completely, she can go for weeks without talking to anyone, she can shut the world off and get lost in her own grief and pain, he knows that is what is happening now.
He can't stop it, he is powerless.
I happened after her mother's funeral, it's happening now and he is helpless.
He knows how it will go, she'll wake up tomorrow morning, she will push him away when he tries to give her a good morning kiss, she'll say nothing, she will then pour herself a mug of coffee and hope he dosen't notice the shot of whisky she'll add, he will of course but he'll say nothing, then he'll leave. She won't go to work, won't call in sick either, just won't show up, then she'll open the bottle of vodka pour herself a shot. It won't even be 10am.
Over the course of the day she'll stop bothering to pour the vodka inro a glass, instead she'll take long swigs straight from the bottle, she'll start to cry at some point, the crying will give way to anger at some point she'll probably throw what is left of the bottle of vodka against a wall, she'll be asleep before he gets home and he'll stay up all night watching her, because he is worried she'll quit breathing.
The cycle will repeat, day after day for weeks, eventually she will drink less, he wonders how she does it, why she does it, why she picks herself up and brushes herself off and continues on with her life before anyone really notices the extent of her problem, she after this will still be an alcoholic, just functioning again.
Probably because if someone other than him noticed they would force her to get help, he dosen't and he can't understand why, all he can understand is that each time this happens she pushes him a little further away from her, the distance between them grows and he is helpless to stop it or help her.
He wishes as he holds her in his arms, listens to her cry, that someone other than him would notice, and that maybe he could have the woman he married back.