Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Neither do I own the song My December. I just love them both to a point of obsession.
For Monique.
Yeah, some Sirius/Remus fluffiness. Just because I'm dying a slow and painful death with absolutely no inspiration for writing. MY WRITER'S BLOCK IS KILLING ME!
Set to "My December" by Linkin Park. For no apparent reason.
If there is any OOC-ness at all, I apologize. I kind of forced this one out of myself, which is never good.And I haven't written HP in a while. I haven't written a songfic in a while, either.
Enjoy. Review. All that good stuff.
…………………
It was nearly Christmastime during Sirius Black's sixth year at Hogwarts, and he wasn't thrilled with the prospect of the holiday season. Remus, his secret love, was probably going home again to be with his family. As was James. And Peter.
This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
Sirius tried to be happy, he really tried. But it was impossible. Christmas was supposed to be a time of warmth. For him, however, Christmas only brought the icy sting of winter. Christmas was supposed to being happy families together. All he got was the pain of being alone.
This is my December
This is my snow-covered home
This is my December
This is me alone
While other students, including his three best mates, joyfully packed their bags and headed home for the holidays year after year, he remained cooped up in Gryffindor tower with no true home to turn to.
And I…
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
Sirius had been invited many a time to stay with the Potters for Christmas. And each time, he would refuse.
And I…
Take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that
Sirius wished he could have accepted these kind offers, but he couldn't bring himself to. Surrounded by a happy, loving family, Black would have been driven stark raving mad.
And I…
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
His friends could never understand the pain of having a family that didn't care. And they would never feel the agony of being abandoned by the only ones who did. Besides, not once had any of them offered to stay at Hogwarts with him. So did they even care?
And I…
Take back all the things
That I said to you
All these secret feelings and pent-up emotions made Sirius want to explode. And so, every time Remus, James, and Peter would attempt to persuade him to stay over the Potter's for Christmas, he'd become so upset that he'd say things he didn't mean.
And I'd…
Give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to
This year, however, the offer came from Remus. Sirius was appalled by the proposition that he and his love would spend Christmas break together.
This is my December
These are my snow-covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need
For six long years Sirius had hidden his emotions, denied them, pretended that being close to Remus was enough. And it was, as long as there were others around.
But when he and Remus were alone together, it was all he could do to keep from confessing everything. He and Remus being without the others for such a long period of time would surely bring disaster…if not, it would definitely be torture.
And I…
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
In a way, he wished he had been honest about it from the beginning. If it ended up that Remus returned his feelings, they would have wasted so much time by not telling each other. But on the other hand, Sirius was terrified of telling Remus. He feared that the close bond he'd worked so hard to build would be broken.
And I…
Take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that
When Remus asked Sirius to stay with him for the holidays, Black was caught completely off-guard.
"H-how dare you ask me that?" he exclaimed. "After six years of watching James plead with me to stay with his family, after arguing with my refusal, after getting on board the damn train to go be with your folks, leaving you best mate here absolutely alone…how dare you ask me to go with you and spend Christmas with your family?"
Hot tears were beginning to run down Black's cheeks. "It hurts, Remus! I care about you so much, but do you give a damn about me and how I feel? No! You just leave me here year after year to wallow in my own self-pity, knowing full well that I have no one, no one to go home to!"
Sirius became so caught up that he began to lose control of what he was saying. Everything came pouring out of him like a heavy rain, including the very thing that he'd tried so hard to keep concealed.
And I…
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
"How blind do you have to be to not see that I'm in love with you?" Sirius finally yelled. After a moment of shocked silence, he softly gasped in realization of what he'd just admitted.
Remus was dumbstruck. "…w-what did you just say?"
And I…
Take back all the things
That I said to you
Sirius looked at the floor and tried to say it, but he couldn't force it out of himself. Instead he replied, "Are you deaf now, too? You heard me, you lousy-"
By then, Remus had regained his composure. "Sirius, you've completely misunderstood this whole invitation," he interrupted. "When I asked about spending this Christmas together, I didn't mean going back home to be with my family."
This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
"Then what in the hell did you mean?" Sirius attempted to ask coldly.
Remus walked over to Sirius and said, "I meant staying here with you…because you're not the only one with those feelings."
Sirius' eyes widened. "What are y-"
Give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to
He was cut off when Remus pressed their lips together. Everything disappeared in that moment…the angry words, the tears, the distress. They were frozen in that moment until Remus ended it.
"I love you," Remus whispered upon breaking away. "I've wanted to tell you for so long, but I was afraid of ruining our friendship. That's why I never had the courage to stay here with you for the holidays."
"W-why is this year different?" Sirius stuttered, in shock from the kiss.
"I just couldn't stand to see you alone anymore," replied Remus, and kissed Black again. Sirius returned the favor hesitantly, but then dared to make it more passionate. Remus obliged, and soon they were on Sirius' bed tangled in each other's limbs.
Give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to
Sirius pulled away from another kiss and smiled. "This is the best Christmas of my entire life," he said softly.
"You'll always have me to come home to," Remus murmured, brushing his lips against Black's. "I'll never let you be alone again."
Sirius buried his tearstained face into the crook of Remus' neck and sighed contentedly. Christmas was his favorite time of year.