"Say it Dougie, please" and that catches him off guard, it's not angry or forceful, it's vulnerable, it's desperate and it's pleading, it's so not Harry.
He shivers, when did it get cold? He looks up to the sky as raindrops begin to fall, each cold drop stings like a needle, but at least they hide the tears. He focuses on counting the stars trying to poke their way through the thick cloud smothering London; he doesn't want to do this, not here not now. He's never been good with talking, Harry of all people should know that, he wants time to think, to prepare, to defer, but Harry's not going to wait forever, he owes him an explanation.
"It's just..." Dougie started unsurely, but Harry cut him off impatiently,
"Fuck you Dougie, don't lie to me anymore" and finally Dougie looks down as he hears Harry's voice break, finally he allows himself to see what he'd done to his best friend. He was hunched, tears unashamedly flowing from his eyes, he looked vulnerable and broken; when had it become this bad?
"Don't try and say everything's alright, because it's not and we both know it, hasn't been for a long time. Take just now, you avoided my kiss, you flinched at my touch, what have I done? Just tell me! After all these years, after everything, surely I at least deserve the truth?" His voice cracks again, in time with Dougie's heart and he can't take it anymore. He reaches out to cradle Harry's face in his hands, his thumbs tenderly swiping away tears. He can't take this anymore,
"It's not that I don't love you Haz, cause fuck knows I love you so much it fucking hurts, so don't you dare tell me I don't love you, it's just I can't... I can't love you anymore"
Harry pulled away angrily from his embrace, "That's the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard, don't give me that crap." But Dougie was insistent reaching out to Harry, his hand reaching to stroke Harry's face. He couldn't help but notice he still leaned into his touch.
"Listen, please" The tables had been turned, it was Dougie who was begging, "Do you know how many times I've lain awake wishing it was really that simple, that my life could be that simple? But let's face it, it's not, it never has been and it never fucking will be" Dougie's falling apart in front of Harry's eyes, tears are streaming down his face, his eyes puffy, his voice hoarse, "Never! Think of who we are, what we do, what's at stake. We've pretended and lied to ourselves for too long. We can't carry on like this forever... you're married for Pete's sake!"
"Why now Dougie?" Harry countered and finally Dougie can hear the anger in his voice beneath all the hurt "Why here, why now? It's never bothered you before, why let it now?"
"But it has Harry, you just don't realise it, it hasn't come like a bolt from the blue, all these doubts, all this worry, this guilt, I've been hiding it and burying it and it's just been growing inside me for so long now, you must have the same, and if not why not!?"
"Because Dougie, no matter how wrong it should be, it just feels so right, so perfect. You can't say you don't feel it too, no-one gets me like you, no-one makes me feel like you do, we fit so perfectly, me and you. You're like a fucking drug Dougs, hell yeah, I've felt the guilt, sometimes I know it's not right, hell I've tried to quit you more times than I'd care to count, but every time you suck me right back in again without even trying"
Dougie looks away again, unable to look at the hurt in Harry's eyes, his words taking him by surprise; he gazes out across the garden, trying to take it all in.
"So don't tell me what we can and can't do, 'cause you have a choice Dougie, it's all your fucking choice. 'Cause God knows I've made mine, I just didn't know you hadn't done the same. You have no idea what sacrifices I've made so we could have what we have, so think about it Dougie, think about what you really want; because it's all or fucking nothing mate. You can't change your mind with the wind, once you've wreaked your path of destruction, you can't go back and fix it"
And with that Harry furiously wiped at his eyes, before getting up, he considered going back into the party, but he decided against it, no one should see him in this state. Instead he took one last look at Dougie and gave him the ultimatum, "Now or never Dougie, make your choice" before slipping out via the side gate.
Alone again, Dougie took a cigarette from the packet Harry had left behind and as he heard his car start up and drive off in to the night, he sighed and lit up. How the fuck did it ever come to this?