They didn't understand that he was broken.
Then again, of course, he never let them see that he was. He played a happy façade, but inside, everything was so wrong. He didn't feel things anymore. He should have felt righteousness When in battle, but he didn't. He should have felt happy to see his friends, but he wasn't. He didn't feel. He was numb. Constantly, constantly numb. Because, in reality, he left his heart in 1945.
His heart was with Bucky and Peggy, the Howling Commandoes and Howard.
He didn't deserve this second chance. Most of the time, he wondered why he'd even gotten it in the first place. Perhaps God had a plan for him- one that was so vast and deep that he couldn't even fathom it. But for now, he was in darkness.
Because he couldn't save Bucky.
Because he couldn't save Peggy.
Because he couldn't save himself.
They all saw Captain America, not Steve Rogers. They were two completely separate people that existed in one body. While Captain America was strong and infallible, Steve Rogers could still break just as easily as he could before the serum.
The day he got the call, Steve Rogers had broken.
They'd all been up in Stark Tower when he'd gotten the call.
The cell phone in his pocket rang. He excused himself to the other side of the room.
"Hello?" He said into the receiver.
"Is this Steve Rogers?" Asked a feminine voice.
"Yes..." He said hesitantly. Strangers never called him.
"Sir, my name is Angela Lowe, I'm calling from Westbrook Waters Nursing Home. I am sorry to inform you that Peggy Carter passed away this morning."
The world stopped. He inhaled sharply.
"She passed away at 10:30 this morning. You were the only number she had on file for notification of her passing. I'm very sorry for your loss."
"B-but..." The words were lodged in his throat as he stammered. He couldn't breathe.
"I apologize, sir." The line went dead, and the phone dropped to the floor and shattered on impact.
"Steve?" Bruce asked, "Are you alright?"
But he couldn't hear anything but her voice saying that he wouldn't dare be late to their dance at the Stork Club. His breathing hitched, and he ran out the door and leapt onto his motorcycle. His eyes blurred with unshed tears, and he couldn't stop seeing her face everywhere he looked. Her face, her voice, her chocolate curls were gone. He'd never get to see her smile again, or hear her laugh. She was gone.
He wanted to say it was all a dream, but it was unbearably real. Reality was smacking him in the face mercilessly, and it hurt. Because he'd never get to tell her he loved her. He'd never get to hold her in his arms. He'd never get a family with her. It was all over. He was over. The story had ended, and his fate had been sealed.
Somehow, he'd gotten to the cemetery.
He parked his bike and went to the two familiar plots At the edge of the field.
Joseph Rogers
November 1, 1878- May 8, 1918
Beloved Husband, proud father, brave soldier
Sarah Rogers
April 3, 1881- October 15, 1936
Loving wife, devoted mother, dear friend
He collapsed in front of he headstones, weak in the knees, and placed his hands on top of them, running his hands over the rough stone and smooth plaques.
"She's gone." He whispered.
The tears he'd been holding in streamed down his face without warning. Sobs ripped from his chest, and for the first time in seventy nine years, he cried.
He cried for the Mother he'd lost all too soon.
He cried for the Father he'd never known.
He cried for the death of Bucky that he hadn't been able to stop.
He cried for Peggy, and the love he hadn't gotten to give her.
He collapsed onto the dirt and wept with the weight of the world flooding his shoulders and breaking down the walls he'd so meticulously built up. He couldn't be strong any longer. His body shook with the anger and fear that he'd repressed for years and he lashed out at God. How could he do this?! How could he let her die? How could he cut off the only connection he had to his past? It was gone. Just like all of them. He gripped the stones for support, and remembered his Mother telling him that the angels were watching over him. Perhaps she was one now- a concrete angel. Perhaps Peggy had joined her.
Time slipped away as he laid between the two headstones and wept. He didn't know that the other Avengers had followed him there, although he could have guessed something of the sort would happen. It disturbed them to see him so broken and hurt. It was all too easy to forget that not only was Steve the youngest member of the team, but that he was more than just a super soldier. He was still human. They took a step closer, not wanting to intrude, but unable to stand seeing him so hurt. He knew they were there now- he could feel their stares boring into him. He felt like a fish in a glass bowl- trapped and being watched. It made him uneasy.
Finally, Bruce stepped forward and put a hand on his shoulder. Steve didn't look up. The others came forward, Natasha rubbing his back, Clint and Tony holding him up, and Thor setting him upright. His head never lifted, but his sobs had eased slightly. They stayed there like that for hours, in silent comfort, and slowly but surely, Steve cried himself to sleep.
As he slept, he dreamed.
Momma, Bucky, Peggy, and Daddy were all there, standing around him.
"Sweetheart," Said Momma, "We aren't gone." She said in her soothing tone.
"We're still here backing you, alive or not." Bucky continued.
"You've made us all very proud." Said Joseph.
"But now it's time for you to move on." Finished Peggy.
"But how?" He asked helplessly.
"Carry us with you. Remember the past, but enjoy your present. God has a plan for you, darling." Said Momma.
He nodded shakily.
Momma and Daddy came and hugged him tight.
"You've made us very proud, dear." Said Momma. He nodded, burying his face in their shoulders. "We love you very much."
They left. Bucky was next. They embraced.
"You still got 'em on the ropes, Steve. Keep fighting."
Bucky vanished. There was only Peggy left.
He kissed her tenderly on the lips and whispered "I love you" into her ear. She stroked his face and nodded.
"I love you too. Go and be happy." She kissed him, and then faded away.
He woke up in his bed, no longer a broken man, but now a warrior. He was stronger than ever.