NOTE: Lyrics to Tracey Thorn's "Tinsel and Lights" are incorporated into this fic.
"Oh, and that was a New York Christmas, baby
Oh, that was the way it should be done
Oh, we saw the sights, the tinsel and lights
Looking down the barrel of a gun"
2004
Will could dress it up as much as he wanted, but Grace knew exactly what this was: a pity party covered in tinsel and twinkling lights. And she hated that she was the guest of honor. It was her first holiday season since the divorce, and as much as she wanted to just let it pass her by without so much as a word from anyone around her, she knew that was not how her makeshift family operated. It wasn't like she didn't appreciate some of the perks of her friends rallying around her in her time of need. But it was one thing to have Will cook her favorite comfort foods before she even realized she was hungry for them. It was another thing completely to have Will tell her that she needed to get out of the apartment and actually do something. Something festive, something fun, something that could distract her from everything Leo had put her through. As though a round of Christmas carols could truly erase her husband's infidelity from her mind.
She thought he had known her long enough to know that doing things wasn't exactly her thing. But clearly, she overestimated her best friend's intuition. Because the next thing she knew, he had gathered Jack and Karen up for a trip to Rockefeller Center for the tree and the skating rink.
Grace thought he was joking at first. He had to be; if he wasn't, then what was the point of watching the tree lighting on TV if he was just going to make her see it in person? She already saw it on screen; she didn't need to be there, squished in between a bunch of midwesterners who didn't know how to work their cameras and ended up with photos of a giant, colorfully bright blur. Not to mention they were New Yorkers, and had been for decades. Why on earth would Will think the obvious solution to whatever problem he assumed Grace had would be one of the most painfully touristy activities in existence?
She didn't have the answer to that. Just like she didn't understand how Will and Jack could be excited enough about skating to end up walking so far ahead of her to get to the rink. Will had to have been putting on a show for her benefit-there could be no other explanation-but to see the way Jack's face glowed as he turned towards her, to hear the excitement in his voice like this was the first time he spent the holiday in this city, was completely baffling. "Christmas in New York, can you believe?!" he shouted, twirling around to take in all of the lights and decorations. "Kare! Come be my skating partner!"
Grace couldn't help but smile at the sound of her name. That was it. That was the key to finding sanctuary among the noise and the bustle of Midtown. Because she knew that, at the very least, she would be in the company of someone who was just as clueless to the appeal of all of this as she was.
"Cripes." Grace turned around at the sound of Karen muttering under her breath. "It's freezing out here."
"Welcome to December, Karen," Grace said as she saw her wobbling through the snow and slush in her heels, and stopped to let her catch up. When Karen reached her, she rolled her eyes and sighed.
"What are we doing here, anyway?" the dark haired woman asked. "No self-respecting New Yorker in their right mind would be anywhere near this mess."
"Don't ask me," Grace responded, folding her arms around herself in a hopeless attempt to keep warm against the falling snow, basking in the satisfaction of knowing she wasn't the only one thinking this whole thing was nuts. "This is the last thing I want to be doing right now."
Karen stopped in her tracks, much to the dismay of the couple behind her who nearly ran into her. "But honey, this is supposed to be for you," she said, letting her confusion break through.
"I know. But honestly, I think it's mainly for Will to say that he tried to get me to feel better about things. It's like he thinks I'm going to fall apart over the divorce if I don't distract myself with angels and reindeer and trees." She scrunched up her face as she kept thinking about it. "Which doesn't even make any sense, this isn't my holiday!"
"Well, if this isn't what you want to do, then what is?"
Grace scoffed. "Aside from going home?" she asked before she gave it some thought. "I don't know...I guess I could use a drink."
The speed at which Karen's grin spread across her face was incredible. "Now you're talking," she said brightly. She coaxed Grace's hand away from her body and grabbed onto it. "Come on, let's get the hell out of here," she said, her eyes darting around as she tried to find a way around the mass of tourists surrounding them.
"Karen, we can't just bail on Will and Jack."
"Sure we can! Honey, the only reason I'm even here is you. So if you want to back out, we're backing out. You know," she said, stunned that they were still trapped in their place by the swarms of people coming from every direction, "as soon as we can actually find a way out. Got it?"
Well. Grace couldn't argue with that logic.
Just as Karen found an opening, Will realized the girls were missing and turned to find them. "Hey," he called out into the crowd when he finally spotted them. "Are you coming or what?"
Grace froze, caught trying to make her escape. She looked to Karen for a second before she tried to come up with a response that wasn't soaked in guilt. He may have been off the mark on this one, but he was trying to do something nice for her. "I…" she started, not knowing what to say next, when the dark haired woman came in with the save.
"You go ahead, Wilma. We'll catch up." Karen waved them off as she called out to them. Will shrugged before he picked up his pace to fall back in step with Jack, the two of them heading to the rink while the girls rushed out of the plaza, narrowly avoiding being trapped by the latest wave of tourists. Her hand still had a firm grasp on Grace's as they weaved through the slow-moving foot traffic, and the redhead marveled at just how steady she was on her feet now that the promise of gin was on the table. It wasn't until they had been speeding through the crowds for a few blocks that Karen finally found a bar that seemed to be up to her standards, only letting go of Grace's hand when they made their way inside and the warmth started to envelope them.
Grace was surprised to realize she missed Karen's touch as soon as it was gone.
"I don't know about you, honey, but I'm starting to feel much better," Karen said as they reached their table. Grace watched the way she shrugged off her coat and tried to shake the melting snowflakes out of her hair and wondered how she was able to make everything look so effortless. Sure, she appreciated the way the boys were checking in on her after her divorce, but it was almost as if they had forgotten that Karen was in the same boat. The dark haired woman always played it like nothing affected her, and Grace knew her marriage to Lyle didn't even last through the reception. But that didn't mean that she wasn't going through it just like Grace was.
It didn't mean that Karen didn't need a moment away from it all, too. And it didn't mean that Grace didn't want to be there for her when she did.
"I'm getting there," the redhead eventually conceded as she settled into her seat and watched Karen flag down a waiter. "I just feel bad about lying to the guys."
"Gracie, we didn't lie to them," Karen said in between giving their drink order to the waiter who came around their table. "We are going to catch up with them eventually. Just not right away. Would you really rather be on the ice, falling on your ass every ten seconds to the tune of 'Jingle Bells' right now?"
"God, no." Grace said it so firmly, it made the dark haired woman laugh. "Look, I love Will, and I love that he's trying to help. But I just wish he'd recognize that sometimes the only thing that helps the problem is to throw some alcohol at it."
"Well, that's what you've got me for, honey. I'll always be here when you need to drink about something." As if on cue, the waiter came back with two martinis, and Karen clinked her glass with Grace's before they both took a sip.
"Thank you, by the way," Grace murmured after she let the gin settle into her body.
Karen furrowed her brow as she swirled her olives around in her glass. "For what? Stealing you away?"
"For giving me what I really needed today. And for being the only one who doesn't treat me like I'm going to break at any minute."
"Yeah, well...you're a big girl, Gracie. You can take care of yourself. Hell, you were taking care of yourself even when you were married." She let her gaze shift back to her glass. "Going through everything he put you through...you're not fragile. You're one of the strongest people I know."
Grace couldn't help it; it made her blush to hear what Karen really thought of her. Through all of the jokes and the judgment, she always thought there was a part of her assistant that genuinely cared for her; it was a part that only grew bigger and bigger as the years went on. But there were definitely times when Grace second guessed it, thought it was only her mind jumping to the conclusions she always loved being caught by. This, though...this only felt like confirmation. This felt like Karen cared with her whole heart. And it stole her speech. But if she was being honest, she was glad she couldn't find the right words. She wouldn't freak Karen out with the first thing that landed on her tongue.
She wouldn't ruin the moment that way.
During the lull in conversation, Grace let her gaze wander across the room as she sipped her martini, and landed on a husband and wife at the bar completely absorbed in one another. It was almost as if their shine reflected off the tinsel garland that lined the bar and made them glow even more than they already were. She couldn't believe how much this woman was smiling at her husband; she didn't even think she smiled like that for Leo during the happier times. And you could tell how much this guy adored his wife; she had never seen anything like that before. "Come take a look at this," Grace said, grabbing Karen's hand and leading her to her side of the table. She pointed across the room and sighed. "Look at them. Look at how happy they are just to be around each other. Why can't I find that?"
Karen studied the scene in front of them. She watched as the man pulled out a camera and motioned for his wife to pose, as the woman leaned against the bar and put on a bigger smile than she had before (if that was even possible), as he took the picture, as she pulled him in for a kiss once she was assured he had gotten a good shot. It was all so saccharine, and it pulled Karen's face like it was giving her a headache. "Oh, honey, you don't want that. It's got to be a front. No one is ever that happy with their spouse."
Grace tilted her head as she faced Karen. "When did you get to be so cynical?" she smirked.
"Somewhere around the second and third divorce," Karen said, trying to pass it off as a joke but knowing it was heavier than that. "Are you telling me that there was a time when you really felt that with Leon?" She motioned to the couple at the bar before downing the rest of her martini.
"Leo," the redhead corrected, "and…" She paused for a minute, racking her brain trying to come up with some moment from her marriage that could even come close to the scene they were witnessing now. But she just couldn't do it. "You know what? No. I honestly can't think of anything."
"Of course you can't. Just like I can't think of anything with Lyle or Stan or anyone else who told me they loved me. It's been my experience that you can never fully rely on the person you supposedly love. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you spare yourself the heartache."
Grace was stunned by her honesty. "But you need someone you can trust, Karen."
"Please, I know that. Why do you think I hang around the office all the time?"
"Because...you work there?"
The dark haired woman let out a short burst of laughter. "Oh, honey," she said as she tried to collect herself. "You crack me up sometimes."
Grace started to feel herself warm up from more than just the drink. To know that she had so much of Karen's trust was a brilliant feeling. It felt as though she had been given a gift, one that Karen was sure she could handle, even if she wasn't sometimes. She knew how close Karen was to Jack, and always assumed that he was the one who got to carry all of her secrets (even though his hold on secrets was loose at best). But the more she thought about it, the more she remembered all of the times Karen spoke in a hushed voice, letting Grace in on something she wouldn't dare speak out loud to anyone else. The more she thought about it, the more she realized she turned to Karen when she wanted to hear the truth, and Will when her ego wanted to hear the stock best friend response. The more she thought about it, the more she realized she wouldn't know what to do if she didn't have that. "You're the one I trust, too," she murmured, low enough to be uncertain if Karen heard her at all.
Karen pulled the redhead into her and smiled as she rested her head against her shoulder. "Please," she whispered. "I know that. Why do you think I stole you away?"
They ordered another round and let their drinks make the conversation turn lighter and spill easier than it had earlier. Grace felt Karen's eyes on her as she became more and more animated, as her voice became brighter and brighter. She kept leaning into Karen, brushing her hand along her arm and falling into her as she laughed and was waiting for Karen to pull away, but she never did. For a moment, she could swear her smile was as big as that woman's across the bar. And by the time they were three martinis deep (she saw the look on Karen's face that let her know her assistant was impressed that she was able to keep up, and it filled her with the most delicious satisfaction), Grace's eyes gleamed against the dim light of the room. "I think I'm starting to feel a little more festive," she smirked. "Maybe we should get out of here."
Karen drained the last of her drink and signaled for the check. "You want to meet back up with the boys?"
Grace furrowed her brow. "I'm not ready to share you with them yet," she said, liking the way it sounded against the din of the crowd.
She watched Karen's eyes light up. "Alright, honey," she said as she settled their tab. "I've got an idea."
When they left the bar, Grace wrapped her arm around Karen's as the snow continued to fall and walked in step with her, huddling as close as she could without tripping over her. She felt the martinis swimming in her and let Karen lead the way as they looked for the store windows with elaborate Christmas displays, slowing to a stop every time they passed something promising. They stood in front of North Poles and Santa's Workshops and armies of nutcrackers, Grace critiquing the design of each one while Karen smiled through every single bit of the redhead's commentary. It wasn't until they stopped in front of a display of a giant, elaborate gingerbread house that the silence was finally broken.
"Yours was better."
It was so soft, Grace thought she imagined it; when she turned her head to Karen, there was no trace of her words on the dark haired woman's lips. "What are you talking about?"
"That Barneys window you did a few years ago. Or, I'm sorry, Jack did a few years ago. It was better. Than all of the ones we've seen, actually."
Grace quickly recalled that night, Karen trying to bribe her to save Jack's ass by replacing his terrible design in the eleventh hour, Grace refusing to at first. "How did you know it was me? I told you I wasn't going to do it."
"Oh, come on, honey, I know your work. I can spot your talent from a mile away." Grace felt her heart swell at that, as Karen kept going. "You know I adore Jack, but he never would have been able to create something like that. It's incredible, what you can put together at the last minute." She paused for a minute like she wasn't sure if she should continue. "Although, all of your work is incredible, Gracie. I don't tell you that often enough."
The redhead shifted her gaze from the window to the dark haired woman. The way Karen kept surprising her like this was almost too much to bear. She honestly couldn't remember Leo ever saying something like that about her designs. She couldn't remember Leo ever showing an interest in her work. Or any of her boyfriends, for that matter. But there was Karen, putting on airs at work like she couldn't care less what goes on around the office, only to come around and blindside Grace with the fact that she had been paying attention this whole time. There was Karen, putting all the men who at one point claimed to have loved her to shame, showing up for her in ways they never could.
She couldn't believe her strongest relationship wasn't even one that she counted in that way (although, she'd be lying if she wasn't curious). But the more she thought about it, the more she realized how much sense it made that Karen was the one she could rely on, that Karen was the one who would never leave. It was strangely comforting, feeling so safe with someone like her.
But Grace had to admit, she loved the feeling.
"Maybe we should head back," she said softly, although she didn't want to; she just didn't know what else to say. "They're probably going to start wondering where we are soon."
"Yeah," Karen sighed, "I guess you're right." Was it Grace's imagination, or did she sound just as disappointed as the redhead felt?
Karen took Grace's hand as they made their way silently back to Rockefeller Center. Their timing was perfect, finding a spot to look down on the rink just as Will and Jack were coming back from skating, the girls making it look like they never left the plaza. Will furrowed his brow when he saw them. "Where were you two?" he asked when he and Jack caught up with them. "I thought you were right behind us."
"Oh…" Grace started, her mind fumbling for something. "We decided we weren't in the mood for skating." Not untrue. But definitely not the whole story. She knew she had just opened the door for Will to ask more questions, for him to eventually get her to give up her time with Karen when all she wanted to do was keep it close to her chest. And she was mentally kicking herself for doing it, until she heard the dark haired woman speak up to give her a little support.
"But we were watching the whole time!" Karen exclaimed, ready to jump in with a lie that would keep their time together special, just for the two of them. "We took bets on who would fall more often. Naturally, I won," she declared, sliding her hand along the small of the redhead's back.
Jack's mouth dropped open in offense. "Karen! You bet against me?!"
The dark haired woman shrugged, silently thanking the powers that be that Jack fell right into her scheme. "Sorry, Poodle," she said as she watched her best friend throw a pout in her direction.
"Nice one," Grace muttered under her breath. She felt Karen softly scratch at her back in response and couldn't help but smile. "So we're ready to go now, right?" she asked, a little louder and a little more enthusiastic than she wanted to sound.
"Just one more thing, and then I promise we can leave." Will started digging into his pocket for his camera and tried to get the attention of the closest tourist gazing at the sights. "I'm sorry, would you mind taking our picture in front of the tree?" he asked, ignoring the exasperated sighs coming from the girls.
"Will, we don't need to…" Grace started before realizing it was too late.
"Bet you wish we never left the bar," Karen murmured under her breath.
Grace laughed. "We should have just left without them," she murmured back, not realizing how much of that wasn't a joke.
Will handed off the camera to the tourist and rushed back to Jack's side to pose for their picture. Grace plastered on a smile before she felt Karen's arm wrap around her waist, pulling her in close. She relaxed against the dark haired woman's body, watching as the guy Will gave his camera to tried to set up the shot. She heard him count down from three and braced herself for the flash, when at the last second, she felt Karen's lips pressed against her cheek.
And Grace hoped to god whatever look she ended up sporting in the picture would hide the way Karen had just completely rattled her.
In an instant, the flash went off, Karen pulled away, Will grabbed the camera back from their photographer to get a glimpse of what he captured, and everyone around her acted as though the earth hadn't just split open. Grace had no idea why this time felt different; hadn't they done this so many times before? But this time, when she looked at Karen, she felt like she was looking at someone who had already changed her world so much before this moment and decided she was in no way finished shaking things up. And in that moment, she would have given anything for Karen to keep shaking her like that.
"What did you do that for?" Grace finally asked, trying to contain the way her heart swelled in the aftermath.
Karen shrugged. "I don't know, honey. It just felt right."
She said it so simply that it highlighted how right it felt for Grace as well, how right their entire evening alone together felt to her. Grace warmed herself by the look in Karen's eyes, that look of honest affection that refused to dim, and it made her want to reach out to the dark haired woman, to pull her in, to…
Before she knew what she was doing, she softly brushed her lips against Karen's, letting them linger for a moment. She felt herself shiver slightly, and it took her a second to realize that it wasn't from the chill; it was from the way Karen slid her arms around her waist as she kissed back. She couldn't remember the last time a kiss made her feel like this. Maybe this is what it was like to be that couple in the bar, to have such a genuine moment with someone who actually cared that everything else around you started to fall into a clichéd haziness, until the only thing that mattered was the way her lips felt against yours. Grace could swear they were the only people in Rockefeller Center, the music and hum of the crowd fading away so she could truly hear the gorgeous way Karen sighed to the touch.
"God, get a room," Jack scoffed, making the girls pull away from each other in a jump. Grace was wide-eyed, watching as he whisked Karen away from her. She pursed her lips as they left her behind, taking the lead towards Sixth Avenue to begin their likely futile attempt to hail a cab in the middle of this rush, and felt herself blush as she fell into step with Will. Her best friend didn't seem to catch her intimate moment with Karen, and if he did, he didn't say anything. She kept telling herself that if he saw the blush in her cheeks, she could just pass it off as the cold air biting at them. She wasn't entirely sure why it made her blush like that, to be caught doing something she and Karen had done so many times in their friendship. But this time felt different. This time, it reached the butterflies in her core. This time, instead of brushing it off like they always did, Karen looked over her shoulder, smiling back at Grace for as long as she possibly could before Jack tugged on her hand. Grace let her smile spread all the way across her face when she realized Will was oblivious, feeling a touch of heat in spite of the December chill.
Okay. So maybe this outing wasn't the worst thing in the world.
When they got back to 9C, Grace conceded to actually enjoying herself, feeling Karen's smiling eyes on her the whole time. She knew it was probably the first and last time they would ever make that trip as a foursome. Which is why the following year, they wouldn't tell the boys that they went back to Rockefeller Center to recreate the Christmas they shared. They wouldn't tell the boys every other year they went back, keeping up a tradition they never meant to start, but quickly realized they needed. They would never tell them about the yearly trip to the same bar they took refuge in, somehow seeing the same saccharine couple across the room every time and marveling at how the joy never seemed to leave her face in the slightest as she posed for her annual picture, how he never seemed to adore her any less as he aimed the camera her way. They would never tell them how they always seemed to take the same path to look at the same stores' Christmas windows, how Karen would always mention that Grace's one design was better than anything they'd seen on their walk, how Grace always felt it in her heart like it was the first time she heard it. They wouldn't tell them about the growing collection of photos taken in front of the Rockefeller Center tree, how one of them always had their kiss against the other's cheek, how it always felt right.
They would never tell them that it was the one thing they both looked forward to all year. It would have spoiled it somehow.
That New York Christmas was special. Just for the two of them.
2018
She knew Grace would swear that it wasn't what she had in mind, but Karen could sense what this truly was: a pity party covered in tinsel and twinkling lights. And she hated that she was the guest of honor. She could feel Grace's eyes on her from across the office earlier this afternoon and just knew the look that filled them was one of concern. And she knew it was valid; being neck deep in divorce proceedings wasn't necessarily the best thing for her sanity, but she thought she was putting on a decent front for the most part. At the very least, she didn't think she was freaking Grace out to the point where the redhead decided to dust off an old holiday tradition that Karen thought she would have forgotten about by now.
But that was Grace, always one to surprise her.
It had been years since they made their yearly trip to Rockefeller Center; once Leo wormed his way back into the picture, there suddenly was no more room for secret holiday traditions, especially ones that ended with them kissing by a gigantic holiday tourist trap and trying to play off the feelings she knew they both felt for the sake of continued harmony within their circle of friends. And even though they had always talked about picking it up again, about revisiting the bar and the store windows and the rink and the tree, something came up that made them push it back another year. Something like Grace's second divorce from Leo. Like rallying around Will when Vince left. Like Stan getting someone else to hand Karen divorce papers. Except Stan getting someone else to hand her divorce papers ended up being the spark that recharged their old routine. And when Karen finally met Grace's concerned gaze, the redhead told her that they were closing the office early to take a little trip, making some joke about how if Karen didn't go along with it, she'd be fired (a joke that Karen laughed at in spite of herself; out of everything she's done-and everything she hasn't done-over the last two decades, the thought of not going along with this little excursion being Grace's breaking point was laughable). So she reluctantly grabbed her coat and let Grace lead her out into the snow.
The next thing she knew, they were inside their old bar, making their way to their old table (how they were able to snag it, she would never understand), shaking the snowflakes out of their hair the way they always used to do before they sat down to a strong martini and even stronger company.
The dark haired woman watched as the redhead rattled off their usual drink order and took a breath once the waiter left them alone. "Gracie," she started, hoping to get straight to the point, "I get what you're trying to do. And I've missed this, I really have. But let's face it, honey, we're just not the same people we were when we started doing this. This is the tradition of people who weren't so jaded. Too much has happened to both of us over the years."
"Karen, we started this tradition right after I got divorced the first time. You had just left Lyle too, by the way. The day you first brought me here was the day you made the darkness a little brighter. This isn't a tradition for people who aren't jaded. It's a tradition for people who needed to find a little solace." The redhead slid her hand across the table and started hooking her fingers with the dark haired woman's. "I know Stan's been putting you through hell lately. But you're still you. I know you are."
Karen wanted to argue that. She wanted to tell Grace that there was no way anyone could jump through the hoops Stanley Walker continued to make her jump through and still be the same person when all was said and done. She wanted to tell her that you could only chip away at a surface for so long until there was nothing left. But the look in Grace's eyes was just so full of inexplicable hope-she also had a couple divorces under her belt, after all; how did that not jade her?-that Karen just couldn't do it. In spite of everything, it made her feel pretty good to know that Grace saw something in her that she had been blinded to a long time ago. So she brought her martini to her lips and used it to drown her dissent, letting the din of the bar accompany their silence until Grace decided to break it.
"Oh my god." Grace's eyes grew wide as she looked over Karen's shoulder. She grabbed the dark haired woman's hand and tried to pull her over to her side of the table. "Oh my god, Karen, you have to see this." Karen sighed as she got up and circled the table to sit down next to Grace. "Isn't that the couple that always used to be here?"
When Karen looked over to where Grace was pointing, she felt like she was looking through a window to the past. Across the room, in the same spot they always were, a couple was playing out the same scene they did every year. The woman was posing against the tinsel-laden bar in what looked like the same position she always took, smiling for her husband while he studied her in adoration for a moment before taking her picture. He no longer had his camera with him, opting instead for his phone and leaving Karen to wonder what year was the year he finally made the switch. But everything else about the scene was exactly the way she remembered it. "It is," she breathed in surprise. "God. How are they still here?"
Grace moved in a little closer to Karen. "It's tradition," she said simply. "But that's exactly what I mean. Everybody goes through stuff. I'm sure they've gone through some stuff over the years. You even thought they were covering up some stuff when we first saw them, remember? But they're still the same people we've seen every Christmas. So what makes you think that, deep down, you're not?"
Karen looked over to Grace, and the genuine look in the redhead's eyes made her feel nervous without knowing exactly why. The way that Grace was challenging her made her think back to the years they used to do this, the years she didn't feel like she was constantly trying to shrug the weight of the world off of her shoulders. Back then, it had always been their tradition to have their picture taken by the tree, and it had always been their tradition for one of them to sneak in a kiss at the last second, immortalized by the camera flash. It had always been their tradition to skate around the butterflies and the possibility and what they actually meant to each other, instead of skating around the ice rink Will had tried to get them on fourteen years ago. And usually, they could always shake it off. Usually, someone would come along-whether it was Stan coming back, or one of Grace's dates sticking around for a few weeks before sneaking out the back door-to allow them to push all of that to the dark corners of their minds.
But what happens when you finally run out of excuses?
"Excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt your evening." She snapped back into reality at the sound of another voice, and they both looked up to find the woman that was always across the bar, the one getting her picture taken every year by the same man, the one who always seemed so smitten with him year after year after year. "I just wanted to tell you how happy I am to see you two here again. We make a point every year to take in all the sights around here before coming in from the cold for a drink," she said, taking the hand of her husband behind her, pulling him in closer, "and it always warmed my heart to see you at your table; you always looked so happy together. It was almost like you were part of our tradition. When we hadn't seen you in a few years, I was afraid you two might have split up."
Karen tried to swallow her laugh. Did they really look like a couple? It sounded crazy. But when the thought actually settled in, it didn't seem so impossible. She couldn't pretend like her relationship with Grace wasn't the most stable one she had ever been in, platonic or not. And she couldn't pretend like she never thought about it before, acting on the feelings she got every Christmas, during those rare times when they were both single and lonely and leaning on each other for comfort. Still, it wasn't fair to let this woman go on thinking something that wasn't true, even if she was a stranger; Karen oddly felt like they knew her after all of the years they've seen her pose for her love. She opened her mouth to speak, but didn't get the chance to say a word.
"Nope," Grace spoke up, smiling as she slid her hand over Karen's. "We're still together. Can you believe it's been twenty years?" She gave Karen a little squeeze. "You know how it is. Things come up sometimes that make all the fun stuff fall to the wayside for a bit. But we really wanted to get this tradition back on track this year. Didn't we, Kare?"
The redhead's energy was contagious, and Karen knew it was pointless to try to fight it. She knew that she didn't want to fight it. She brought Grace's palm to her lips for a second before she spoke. "We sure did, honey," she said, her words full of warmth. "It was about time."
"I'm so glad to hear that," the woman smiled before shrugging her coat on. "It wasn't the same looking over this way and seeing someone else in your spot. I hope we see you next year." And with that, a little piece of Grace and Karen's holiday tradition walked back out into the cold of the Manhattan winter.
"You were pretty quick to respond to her," Karen smirked after a moment. "I can't believe you let her think we were a couple."
"Hey, I didn't say anything that wasn't true," Grace replied brightly. "It's not my fault if she thought that's what I meant." Karen couldn't help but notice that Grace still hadn't let go of her hand; she could have sworn she felt the redhead hold on tighter. "Besides...it kind of felt right to let her think that."
Karen couldn't respond, even though she wanted to. She couldn't tell if Grace meant the way that sounded, if she even realized what she was saying in the first place. But that smile, that blinding one that wouldn't leave the redhead's lips, made her think that Grace knew exactly what she was doing. She wanted so badly to dive into this, to figure out if Grace had been feeling the same things she had, if Grace had also spent years brushing it off, if they could have changed the course of their friendship at any point during the fourteen years that had passed since their first holiday outing (or, if she was being completely honest with herself, at any point during the twenty years they had known each other). But before she had the chance to find her voice, the redhead seemed to have closed the window.
"Come on," Grace said softly. "Let's get out of here. We've got some sights to see."
Grace led her out into the chill of Midtown, the snowflakes getting tangled in her hair looking like diamonds as she traced the same path to all of the stores they used to pass by, stopping at each one with a Christmas display. It was incredible how she still remembered the exact route after they had taken the last few years off. Karen could hear the redhead pass her usual judgment, give her usual critiques, and walk her through how she would have done it instead, but none of it registered in her mind. She couldn't stop thinking about Grace's interaction with the woman at the bar. The way she was so quick to pile onto the misunderstanding. The way it was so effortless for her to let the words spill from her lips. The way it really did feel right to hear her say all of those things. This wasn't like any of the other years they've made this trip, when she could blame her marriage or Grace's relationship of the hour on why she never acted on what she felt. Stan was taking great measures to make sure she could never use him as an excuse again. And now that there was nothing holding her back, she was finding it impossible to keep herself from moving. Because every time she thought about what it would be like with Grace, it was the only thing she wanted.
If it was that easy to say it, could it be that easy to give in?
It wasn't until they had the Rockefeller Center tree in their sights that she finally found the voice she needed to take that step. "Honey, did you mean what you said back there?" she asked, unable to look at the redhead. "That it felt right to…" She trailed off. Why was it so hard to say it out loud?
The pause was brief but unbearable. "You know I did," Grace said as she leaned in closer to Karen. The dark haired woman felt her nerves overtake her and loved the frenzy it started inside her. "Look, we spent so many years coming so close to that being our reality. And the more I thought about it, the crazier it felt that we never gave in when we had chance after chance after chance to be happy." She tugged on Karen's hand to make the dark haired woman turn to face her. "The way I see it, if I had just let myself dive in to everything I was feeling for you the first year we did this, it would have been you and me from then on out." She shifted her gaze down to her feet, as if she wasn't prepared for Karen's reaction. "You know...unless you didn't feel the same way."
"I did," Karen said softly, unable to contain her smile as the redhead whipped her head back up in surprise. "I still do."
"Really?" Grace smirked. "Didn't you once tell me that you could never fully rely on the person you loved?"
The dark haired woman shrugged. "Something in the last twenty years tells me you might be different."
"Well, I should hope so."
Karen laughed at the playful sternness of Grace's voice. She turned to face the redhead and saw the radiantly hopeful look in her eyes shine brighter than the lights on the tree behind her. She wanted nothing more in that moment than to bring Grace's lips to hers, gin against gin, skin against skin, holding onto her for as long as they could stand the cold. But the second she tried to grab onto her hand, Grace had shifted her gaze, rushing away from her.
What was this? There was no way in hell Karen read that exchange the wrong way. Didn't they just have a moment?
"Oh! Excuse me," Grace asked, trying to get the attention of the nearest tourist gazing up at the tree before waving Karen over. "Would you mind taking a picture of us?" She smiled as the tourist nodded and she handed off her phone, rushing to the perfect spot in front of the tree, Karen's hand in hers the entire time. The dark haired woman let out a sigh of relief. Of course. It wouldn't be their Christmas tradition without a picture by the tree to cement it in their memory (although it would be impossible to forget this day, even if she wanted to; it was impossible to forget any of the days they spent like this). The dark haired woman took in the way it felt when Grace wrapped her arm around her shoulders, when Grace nestled against her side as she slid her hand to the redhead's back. She watched as their photographer tried to get as much of the tree lights in the shot as possible, silently hoping the snowflakes falling wouldn't destroy the way her hair looked too much, when she heard Grace try to get her attention. "Hey, Kare?"
She turned to face the redhead. "Yeah, hon-" Her response was swallowed by Grace as her lips collided with Karen's. She felt herself shiver slightly, and it took her a second to realize that it wasn't from the chill; it was from the way Grace tightened her hold as her kiss grew deeper. She couldn't remember the last time a kiss made her feel like this. Suddenly, she was beginning to understand how the couple from the bar was able to make it through the years, if their moments together was anything like this one. She never believed in any of those old clichés, but right now, she felt like everything else around them began to get a little hazy. Karen could swear they were the only people in Rockefeller Center, until she heard the tourist with Grace's phone call out that he got the shot.
"Honey…" Karen managed as they pulled away, smiling and breathless.
"Come on," Grace murmured as she pressed herself against Karen. "Let's find someplace else to go. Suddenly, I'm not feeling much like being part of this massive crowd." She slid her hand into Karen's and started to lead her away from the tree, thanking the tourist as she grabbed her phone back, showing Karen how great their photo turned out. Karen didn't know where Grace was planning on taking her, and as she followed her out of the plaza, she realized she didn't really care. As long as the redhead kept her close, kept her warm. As long as she could brush her lips against Grace's and have it count for something. As long as Grace continued to make the case for being able to trust the one you love. She didn't need anything else. And she didn't need anyone else peeking in on their celebrations.
This New York Christmas was special. Just for the two of them.
"Yeah, that was a New York Christmas, baby
Yeah, that was the way it was back then
Oh, we saw the sights, the tinsel and lights
You kissed me in the snow, and that was when
I fell in love with Christmas once again"