Cabin Pressure – Thailand
Written by
Olivia Scott
SCENE 1
MARTIN
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard the star ship enterprise this morning. I am Captain Kirk and this is my first officer Mr Spock.
ARTHUR
Good morning sirs and madams, your royal highnesses, I am Mr Spock, I will be your Mr Spock for today, our expected arrival is in 100 light years.
MARTIN
That is not actually so far off the truth, especially if first officer Richardson doesn't get here soon.
(OPENING CREDITS)
SCENE 2 - COCKPIT
ARTHUR
Thanks skip that was brilliant.
MARTIN
That's alright, but Arthur are you sure you don't want to do something else on your birthday?
ARTHUR
Why would I, flying is my favourite thing to do especially when I flying to a land of ties. And mum has said she'll buy me something from duty free and I've already decided what I want.
MARTIN
A giant toblerone?
ARTHUR
(Amazed) How did you guess
MARTIN
I've been here too long.
(CAROLINE enters)
CAROLINE
Good morning driv… (confused) Martin
MARTIN
I wouldn't have thought it would be that much of a surprise, I do work here
CAROLINE
Work in the loosest sense of the word. Where's Douglas?
MARTIN
Don't know he's not normally this late. But I can fly by myself. I am the captain
CAROLINE
Martin I have tried to explain this to you many times before and I hope never to have to explain this again, you are the captain but you are not the better pilot. And anyway Mr Moloey has paid for two pilots.
ARTHUR
Mum, mum I can help fly
CAROLINE
Arthur dear, I'm going to be mean to you because it's your birthday, but in the nicest way, get lost.
ARTHUR
(Cheerily) Ok
(Arthur leaves)
CAROLINE
What am I going to do? I can't cancel this flight.
(Phone rings)
MARTIN
Douglas?
DOUGLAS
Bonjour misour, listen I don't think I can be bothered coming in.
MARTIN
Um Douglas.
DOUGLAS
So I need you to tell Caroline I'm ill, tell her I have scurvy or something.
CAROLINE
(Shouting) Douglas
DOUGLAS
(Surprised) Caroline, I thought you would be picking up Mr Moloey.
CAROLINE
He may have hired a charter plane but, as you may have guessed because he's picked us, he's tight so he's driving himself here so we can't charge him for the car. But unless you get here before he does I'm going to charge you for the plane and the car I'm going to use to run you over with!
DOUGLAS
(exasperated) I'm on my way.
SCENCE 3 - COCKPIT
(CAROLINE enters)
CAROLINE
See Martin that is exactly why I need Douglas because of flying like that.
MARTIN
(Smugly) Actually Douglas did take off.
CAROLINE
What really? Are you actually ill Douglas?
DOUGLAS
I was doing an impression.
MARTIN
Of a blind man?
DOUGLAS
(Coolley) No, of you.
CAROLINE
I am a patient woman but all my patients is being used up on Arthur today so if you don't start doing your job properly ill…
DOUGLAS
Fire me?
CAROLINE
Yes and worse.
(CAROLINE exists)
DOUGLAS
(Sarcastically) Oh I'm scared.
SCENE 4 - KITCHEN
CAROLINE
How is the birthday boy?
ARTHUR
Is it Mr Moloey's birthday?
CAROLINE
No Arthur I was asking how you were because it's your birthday.
ARTHUR
Oh right then, well I feel brilliant. Mr Moloey is asleep and I've made a new friend.
CAROLINE
Who else is… wait Arthur please tell me you don't mean the parrot?
ARTHUR
Snoop a doop is your friend is your friend so why can't Polly be mine?
CAROLINE
No that's absolutely fine I'm glad you have finally found a friend with the same IQ as you.
ARTHUR
Ok do you want a drink.
CAROLINE
No I'll do it; you go and talk to your friend.
SCENE 5 - COCKPIT
MARTIN
Do you want to play a game?
DOUGLAS
Ok how about Simon says again?
MARTIN
Ok
DOUGLAS
Simon says shut up.
(Pause)
MARTIN
Douglas?
DOUGLAS
Given up so soon, shame, I rather enjoyed that
MARTIN
(Tentatively) How's Helena?
DOUGLAS
(Matter a fact tone) Don't know I don't see her anymore, we are getting a divorce and I'm dating my lawyer
MARTIN
I'm sorry, are you ok?
DOUGLAS
Me, well in the words of the great Arthur (Crude impersonation of Arthur) I'm brilliant!
MARTIN
If you want someone to talk to or go for a drink sometime, I'm always here.
DOUGLAS
Thanks Martin but I should explain my lawyers a woman.
MARTIN
No, no, no, I just meant, I, I'm not gay. I went on a date with a woman.
DOUGLAS
Really, you went on a date that has cheered me up.
MARTIN
Well she went to the toilet at the break and didn't come back.
DOUGLAS
You took her to the theatre, you old romantic.
MARTIN
An air show actually.
DOUGLAS
Oh dear maybe you should try men, you aren't having much luck with women.
SCENE 6 - KITCHEN
ARTHUR
Who's a pretty Polly then?
PARROT
Arwk
ARTHUR
Arwk, arwk, arwk, arwk
CAROLINE
What are you doing?
ARTHUR
I'm talking to her, she doesn't speak English.
CAROLINE
And you don't speak parrot but you can do what you like, I'm going to waste the rest of the flight reading.
(CAROLINE exits)
ARTHUR
Does pretty Polly want a biscuit?
PARROT
Arwk
ARTHUR
Good girl, here you are.
PARROT
(Makes chocking noise)
ARTHUR
Uh oh
SCENE 6 – COCKPIT
DOUGLAS
Anyway it doesn't matter, I was bored anyway.
MARTIN
Douglas?
DOUGLAS
Umm
MARTIN
What are you talking about?
DOUGLAS
Nothing. Just thinking about how much better my life is than your pathetic excuse for an existence.
MARTIN
Just because you're upset doesn't mean that you can bully me.
DOUGLAS
I'm sorry… Martin, look at me.
MARTIN
Douglas it might have escaped your notice but I am actually flying an aeroplane and its probably best if I keep my eyes on the road, well sky.
DOUGLAS
Fine, you don't have to look.
MARTIN
Douglas what are you d…
(Kissing noise)
MARTIN
Well, erm, that was, err, hm
DOUGLAS
Sorry, I've been a bit lonely.
MARTIN
Don't apologise it was…
DOUGLAS
Good?
MARTIN
Interesting
DOUGALS
Want to try again?
MARTIN
Hell yes!
(Kissing noise)
(CAROLINE enters)
CAROLINE
Well I've just left Arthur ta…
(Kissing stops)
MARTIN
Caroline, it's not what it looks like.
DOUGLAS
Martin has been bit by a snake and I was sucking the poison out.
CAROLINE
(Slowly) A snake bit Martin.
MARTIN
Yer on my leg, look I've got a scare.
CAROLINE
Why was Douglas sucking the poison out of your mouth then?
DOUGLAS
It bit him in the mouth as well.
CAROLINE
It went from your ankle to your mouth before you manage to stop it .
MARTIN
There were two snakes.
CAROLINE
So there were in fact snakes on a plane, more specifically snakes on this plane?
MARTIN DOUGLAS
Yes No
CAROLINE
Whatever you do in your spare time is none of my business just don't do it on my plane, when I am paying you.
MARTIN
But
CAROLINE
Or even when I'm not paying you Martin.
(CAROLINE exits)
MARTIN
Well I think she bought that.
SCENE 7 – KITCHEN
ARTHUR
(Slightly breathless) Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty. Breath
(CAROLINE enters)
CAROLINE
Oh for heaven sake. What is wrong with everyone today?
ARTHUR
Mum, you have to help me I'm trying to do CPR.
CAROLINE
On a parrot? Arthur its dead, its cold. How long have you been doing this for?
ARTHUR
About forty minutes.
CAROLINE
CPR doesn't work on parrots.
ARTHUR
My tongue tastes funny.
CAROLINE
Even when you do it properly you don't put your tongue in you idiot boy! You've been snogging a parrot for the past forty minutes!
SCENE 8 – COCKPIT
DOUGLAS
Post landing checks completed captain.
MARTIN
Thank you Douglas.
(CAROLINE enters)
CAROLINE
Well I've managed to convince Mr Moloey not to sue us for killing his parrot and Arthur is enjoying his toblerone. You two alright?
DOUGLAS
Fine, why wouldn't we be?
CAROLINE
Was just thinking about earlier
DOUGLAS
I have no idea what you are talking about
CAROLINE
Fine
(CAROLINE leaves)
MARTIN
So we're ok then?
DOUGLAS
What happens in the air stays in the air, Martin
MARTIN
That offer of a non-alcoholic drink is still on offer
DOUGLAS
I have a girl friend
MARTIN
(Confused) Hum
DOUGALS
My lawyer, remember
MARTIN
Oh yer
DOUGLAS
But I'll think about it, thanks
(CLOSING CREDITS)