Title: Holiday Sorrows

Author: Andromeda-Rayne

Summary: So this is obviously an AU lol and it's well frankly a depressing Yule fic. BUT if I can get my creative juices flowing in time it will have a good steamy sequel. This is my first update or fic in over a year. In April of 2005 was my last update. It was before I had my 2nd child LOL so needless to say I'm rusty. If it sucks...well just don't tell me LOL. There's a special footnote after this story.

It was during that impressive instant—that glitch in time between the two complete strangers—that things began to change. My mother used to tell me that. I never believed it, until I met you.

I tried to get you to notice me. I had to be subtle though so I didn't hurt anyone or raise suspicions. But that is over. I have no one now. Tifa got married, did you know? Well you probably did. She and Rude announced it out of nowhere. I admit it was a relief for me. I couldn't play the role she wanted me to. Never would I be able to be a father and a husband.

It's not your fault you know, her death. It's not YOUR sin. You are free and I think she wouldn't have wanted you to take on as much pain as you do. I know it's not easy just to cast it aside, it's damn near impossible. I hold so many deaths in my heart. So many that was my fault. So perhaps we're both damned?

I saw something that reminded me of you the other day. Our of the corner of my eye I saw someone dressed in black and red and my mind immediately jumped to you. It also brought with the memories a lot of heartache.

I think it may be worse in some way to know that after all the crap I've gone through, all the loved ones I've lost, I still have one out there alive but I can't have them. It's as if I ALMOST had happiness and then it slips through my fingers. Maybe it was for the best also. You see I know my heart wouldn't survive another blow. It would be the final straw and I would never recover. So maybe it's best for me to have kept silent until this letter. The good thing about this letter is that I won't have to be there to see the look on your face and face the rejection when I tell you... I love you.

I do you know. Love you, so very, very much. It took me forever to really actually accept the fact too. You are so damned beautiful. It hurt me sometimes to look at you and know I couldn't measure up. There were times when your hair would fall across your face and I wanted nothing more then to push it aside and kiss you. And your eyes. I admit Vincent that I was afraid to look at you at times. Terrified you'd know about me.

Anyway, I've written more in this entire letter then I've ever talked to you probably. I wonder though if I'm already too far-gone. And as I wrote this out I wasn't even positive I'd send it. So if you ever get this, even if you just rip it up and pity me. I love you...

Cloud

The letter was clutched in a super tight grip as the reader stared shocked at the words. Rereading them repeatedly. The owner of the hands hadn't thought anything of the letter at first, thinking it was just an attempt to check on him. How wrong he was.

Vincent sighed and let the letter fall to the desk, he needed time to think. In an instant and a swirl of red cloak, he was gone. The letter rusted gently in the wind as it tumbled off the desk.

Cloud sighed and tipped back another drink. Glancing around his dark, chilly, and not so well furnished flat. Yule, in his opinion one of the stupidest holidays ever made. Just what people like him needed a holiday to show them just how alone they really were. Just what he needed another reminder of all the people who died because of him.

He still couldn't believe he'd gotten up the nerve and really written to Vincent. Sometimes he wondered where the crackpot ideas that went through his head came from. He sighed and stumbled to his feet and out the door, barely pausing to put on his coat.

The Temperature had dropped quickly and the wind had a freezing bite to it as it whipped around his face. Cloud shivered and climbed onto Fenrir revving her engine as he took off away from his flat. He wasn't sure where he was going he just kept driving.

Cloud frowned; it had started snowing rather heavily. He skidded to a stop and looked out.

Northern Crater... when it was covered with snow looked deceptively innocent and beautiful. But he knew the truth, he knew what lay beneath and he knew the memories that accompanied it. He sat down in the snow, ignoring the cold that seemed to be slowly seeping into his body.

He was lost in thoughts, thoughts of those he'd lost those he'd hurt. Also of those who'd hurt him. He had looked up to Sephiroth. Idolized him and look where it had gotten him. Aeris he'd loved her, she'd trusted him, and yet she was dead. Because of him, because he loved her. Zack, oh Zack had been one of his best friends and he had loved him like a brother. But he was another one stolen from life because he had loved them. He wondered why he'd never thought of it before, why did he keep falling in love? Letting people get close to him when each time it ended up the same.

He didn't feel it as his body temperature dropped. He was hardly aware when he got so cold his body was beginning to cease functioning. All he knew was that his heart felt like it was breaking all over and he was becoming slowly numb to all the sensations. He also didn't realize what was happening as he tipped onto his side in the snow, curling up into fetal position. His breathing was getting shallower but he was somewhere warm as death closed in on him.

and THAT is the end of this one!! Yes I'm evil but I'll be posting the second story tomorrow so don't fret too bad. Ok now the BIG BIG Footnote I have to add. As I said before I haven't felt like writing for AGES. I have one person to thank for getting my juices flowing Jamaica and her story Street Signs found here: The opening of cloud's letter was taken (with permission) from the last line of chapter one. It was just pure inspiration. Also, thank you to AngelicDemon20 (Mara!!) for editing for me. :D