A single suitcase. It was hard to believe that three years ago he had run away from this house with only a suitcase, his id card, and a stack of bills. It had only been three years, and yet it felt like an eternity ago.
But Ye Qiu was back now. He was ready to come back. Staring up at this big house, the window of his old bedroom facing the street, the large yard where they had played as children, his mother's favorite flower garden, he felt both a rush of nostalgia and anxiety wash over him. He was glad, relieved even, to be back, but it had been so long since he had seen his family. He couldn't help but wonder what his father would say, whether his mother would still love him, whether his brother would forgive him. But he was glad to be back. This was his home.
He rang the buzzer at the front door. He waited awkwardly on the front step, shifting his weight from foot to foot, waiting for someone to answer. The one who showed up on the screen was his old nanny. Big sister Lu, they had always called her. He peered in the camera and she gasped.
"Big sister Lu, I'm back."
"Young master! You're back! Oh, quick, quick, someone get the master and madam and second young master! The young master is back!"
The screen buzzed off and the door opened. He stepped through the threshold, slightly confused. Wasn't he the second young master?
He was greeted in the foyer by his old nanny and he found himself enveloped in her bosom, as if he were a small child. "Welcome back, young master!"
"Thank you, Big sister Lu."
She fussed around him and took his coat and scarf to put in the coat room. It felt slightly strange to be back to all this decorum. He was used to doing everything for himself now.
Another figure dashed into the hall, panting and out of breath. A set of amber eyes met its matching pair, and his brother embraced him in a tight hug.
"You're back."
"I'm back." He agreed softly. It was surprising. He was unused to such outward displays of affection from his brother, but he felt such a sense of relief that he seemed to welcomed back. He patted Ye Xiu on the back. "You missed me this much?"
"I-"
Ye Qiu pulled apart when he heard footsteps clattering down the stairs. Their parents. His heart started thumping in his chest, and his breath quickened.
Ye Xiu took his hand and squeezed it. "Don't say anything. Just go along with it," he whispered.
The Ye parents came to stand in front of the twins.
Their mother had tears in her eyes. "Xiu-er, you're back."
Wait, what?
"You insolent brat. Don't make your mother worry like that ever again or you'll be grounded for the rest of your life, heir to the family be damned," their father said gruffly.
He looked uneasily to his elder brother.
Just go with it, he nodded.
Their mother wrapped her arms around Ye Qiu. He looked at Ye Xiu helplessly. "Mother, father, I'm home."
"You are in for the scolding of your life. Have you realized what you've done?"
"Ai, husband, scoldings can come later. We are glad that Xiu-er came home safe, are we not?"
"...Fine. But I will smack some sense into him later."
Their mother took him by the shoulders and led him further into the house. "We haven't had dinner yet. I'll tell the cook to make your favorites, Xiu-er."
He glanced back to his brother as he was led away. Go with it, he mouthed again.
The cook went all out in preparing a feast. Ye Qiu had to check his watch for the date. Are you sure it wasn't New Years?
His mother kept asking him questions, like where had he been? What had he been doing? Who did he meet on his travels? It almost felt like he had simply been on a long vacation. His father was not as forgiving in his gaze, but he could tell from his subtle nodding that he was listening to his every word.
His mother gave him more and more servings of food. "You're so skinny now, eat more!" She served a couple of sweet sticky buns onto his plate. "Xiu-er, your favorite."
Ye Qiu plastered on a smile and accepted the buns. He was not really one for sweet things. It was his brother who had the sweet tooth. But he was supposed to be pretending to be Ye Xiu for some strange reason, so he chewed and swallowed with gusto. He noticed his brother glance at the sticky buns with a longing look.
"Qiu-er, some more vegetables for you."
"Thank you, mother," his brother said demurely, accepting the boiled greens.
Was that supposed to be Xiu-ge's impression of him?
Dinner could not end fast enough. He just wanted his brother to explain what was going on.
"Xiu-er, come to my study and we'll talk," said their father just as he was about to escape.
"Father, Xiu-ge is probably tired. We should first let him unpack and sleep."
Mother Ye agreed with her other son. "You're right, Qiu-er. Didn't we raise such a good child? Why don't you help your brother unpack the things in his room? Husband! Don't you care about your firstborn?! Talk to him in the morning!"
The Ye patriarch grumbled, but acceded to his wife. "We're not done here. We'll resume in the morning."
It was not until they were in the safety of Ye Xiu's room that he asked what was on his mind.
"What was that all about?"
In the darkness of the room with the only light coming through the doorway, Ye Xiu just looked tired.
"It's exactly how it looked. I pretended to be you while you were gone."
Ye Qiu could only look at him incredulously. "You pretended to be me? For three whole years?"
"Yeah. That's how long you were gone for, after all." He shrugged. "It's fine. We can switch back now."
"Why would you do that?" They had tried switching places before, it was just something that all mischievous identical twins tried to do. But they were always found out not long into it. How had he fooled everyone for three whole years? But more importantly, why?
The elder paused, making a shadowy silhouette among the dark shapes of the furnishings.
"Because I wanted you to be welcomed back."
"...What?"
Ye Xiu sighed and went to flick on the lights. "It's fine if the truant elder son goes off on some grand adventure and builds character, but what if it was the younger son? The well-behaved, pampered, younger twin who left? What would that say about the family? Would father ever forgive you? Would mother ever stop worrying about you? Would you be allowed back into the family? No. The answer is no. Better then, to have the older twin leave, because if anything else, he would still be heir to the family."
"I-" He stopped, not knowing what to say. He hadn't thought of it like that. He had just wanted to be free, to escape from the crushing expectations and pressures.
The light flickered on. Ye Xiu's room was not at all how he remembered it. The room was barren, the skeletal remains of how it once was. All of Ye Xiu's personal items were stored away in cold, uncaring boxes, leaving behind only a bare mattress and an empty desk. It seemed lonely.
"Once we unpack this stuff, you can stop pretending to be me. I'll lend you a pair of pajamas." His fingers lingered on the switch. "Or I guess, they're your pajamas anyway."
Ye Xiu left to go get some cleaning supplies for the dust while he started unpacking the boxes. He started with the clothes, taking out his brother's old soft sweaters and tees and putting them into the closet. He stopped after a while though, realizing that these clothes were all years old, and most likely wouldn't fit anymore. It seemed that they had both had a growth spurt in the past few years, shooting up a good few inches.
He moved onto some of the other boxes. He picked a random one full of miscellaneous objects and went to unload it onto the mattress. He opened the box and took out the first item he saw inside. A dusty PSP.
His brother re-entered his room.
"Xiu-ge..."
His brother was looking at the console, but his gaze remained dull.
"Xiu-ge, your games..."
"Yeah."
"But you loved these games."
His elder brother had on a blank face. "...You didn't."
Ye Qiu laid the system gently on the bed, and began taking out the collection of games. They were all covered with a thin layer of dust. He traced the title on the case using his thumb. "You couldn't even play them secretly?"
"I was too busy studying and working out. You were always the more studious one. I had to spend a lot of time catching up to where you left off." He took the rest of the game cases and stacked them into a pile. "And you were in sports clubs. I was able to feign illness and distress the first few months while I trained and strengthened my body." Ye Xiu began to wipe down the desk with the cleaning supplies.
"You did that? For me?" His brother had always hated exercise, always cutting gym to play games in the library.
The smile on his brother's face was small, much smaller than the huge grins he remembered when his brother had always teased him.
"You're my younger brother. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you."
They continued unpacking with a heavy silence. Ye Xiu put the games away in his desk. Ye Qiu couldn't get rid of this heavy feeling in his chest. He had enjoyed his time away. Living together with the Su siblings was different than what he had been used to, but every day was fun. At times he had been consumed by homesickness. When he met a dog on the street, he would be reminded of Little Dot. When he passed by a sports field, he would remember his old soccer and baseball teammates. When the seasons changed, he missed the crispness of fall and the joy of spring after a long winter. But had he ever spared a thought to the brother he had abandoned?
Ye Xiu had always been sparkling, as if he had been blessed by the gods. Even though he never studied, the teachers loved his quick witted arguments. Even though he was a mischievous troublemaker, their parents always forgave him. Even though he was shameless, he was always genuine to himself.
When Ye Qiu left, of course he felt guilty for leaving his elder brother alone with their rigid family lifestyle, but he had always assumed that Ye Xiu would be fine. That Ye Xiu wouldn't miss him at all because he had the good life. He was the one everyone favored.
By the time they finished, it was pretty late. Ye Xiu's room looked a little more like how he remembered it from three years ago. It still lacked the more personal items and the mess cluttered around the floor, but at least there was a bed to sleep in and the boxes had been put away or recycled.
Ye Xiu led them out and across the hall to Ye Qiu's old bedroom. This room looked almost entirely the same as he had left it. As if he had been living there this whole time. He spared a glance to Ye Xiu. His brother was pulling out two pairs of flannel pajamas from the bottom dresser drawer. He handed one to him.
Ye Qiu pointed to the slightly crumpled pajamas underneath the pillow. "Aren't you going to wear those ones?"
Ye Xiu dug them out and threw them in the laundry hamper. "Of course not. If I'm going to be me, I'm not going to wear pajamas that you wore yesterday." He started changing the sheets on the bed as well and waved Ye Qiu off to go change and brush his teeth.
He grabbed a new toothbrush from where he knew it would be in the hallway closet. It was weird being back in his childhood home. It gave him a weird dreamlike feeling of deja vu, as if he could fall easily like a puzzle piece into old habits. Had Ye Xiu not done what he did, would it be so easy?
He laid in his old bed, staring up at his ceiling. It was quiet, having his own room again. He was used to hearing the quiet rhythm of Mucheng's soft breaths and Muqiu's snores. He turned onto his side. It had been hard leaving them, but he felt like it was time. He was 18 now, an adult, and he felt like he was independent enough now to not bend over to his parents expectations. If it weren't for his homesickness and sense of parental obligation, he probably would have stayed with them for another 10 years. It was nice being home, but he was unused to the quiet, the softness of his blankets, the positions of the doors and windows. It was his old room, but not what he was used to.
He heard the door creak open and close softly and felt someone crawl into his bed and snuggle into his covers.
"Forgive me," his brother mumbled against his back, hand grasping the fabric of his flannel pajamas. "I'm not used to sleeping in there again. Just one more night, then I'll go back."
"It's fine," he murmured softly, and he heard his brother sigh in relief.
"I missed you. And not only for my own benefit."
"I'm sorry," he said softly. He tried to turn over to face his twin, but the grip on his clothes tightened. He felt Ye Xiu's head shake from against his back.
"Let's just stay like this."
The bed was warm with Ye Xiu pressed up against his back, and Ye Qiu laid awake listening to his brother's breath slow. How long had it been since his twin had allowed himself to be vulnerable like this? How long would he have gone on for? Anything could have happened to him in the time he had been away. He could have been away for much longer. Did Ye Xiu have faith that he would come back? Or had he merely resigned himself to this kind of life?
The next morning, Ye Xiu was gone from his bed. He rose from under the covers and picked out a random set of clothes to wear. They all fit rather well and were all to his style.
He padded down the stairs. The sun was already high in the sky, shining down brightly from the windows. Ye Qiu looked down at his watch. Why hadn't his brother wakened him earlier?
He came down to the breakfast table. The rest of his family was already there.
"Good morning, mother, father, Xiu-ge."
"Morning, Qiu-di."
Ye Qiu stared. Ye Xiu had his elbow on the table, leaning with his palm on his cheek, looking casual and relaxed, but with a distinct hand-print shaped red mark blooming from underneath his fingers.
'We're not done here. We'll resume in the morning.'
"No... you didn't," he breathed.
"Hmm? Aren't you going to eat Qiu-di?"
He stalked up to his brother's side and tried to wrench away his hand. Ye Xiu resisted. He was stronger than Ye Qiu remembered. They ended up tussling on the floor of the dining room, with Ye Qiu on top trying to grab his brother's hand, and Ye Xiu struggling on the ground trying to keep it in place.
"Boys? Boys!" Their mother frantically shouted, trying to break up the struggle.
Finally, he wrested away the hand. The mark was already starting to turn blue in some places.
They were both breathing hard at this point.
"I didn't ask for this! I didn't ask you to do this!"
"You-," Ye Xiu panted, "didn't need to."
'You're my younger brother. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you.' The unsaid words rang out in crystal clarity.
"Stop it!" He was crying now, ugly tears dripping down his face. "I was stupid, okay?! You didn't need... to do this for me..."
"Boys!" The sharp voice of their father barked out. "What is this all about?!"
Ye Qiu was suddenly angry. He narrowed his tear-stricken eyes.
"Xiu-ge didn't run away. It was me who-"
Ye Xiu suddenly clamped a hand over his mouth. "Hahaha," he gave a strained laugh, "Qiu-di, you must be really tired. Were the boxes last night too heavy for you?"
He jerked his head away, escaping his brother's hold. "I was the one who ran away! Xiu-ge pretended to be me this whole time."
""What?""
Ye Xiu's hand was shaking now. "Qiu-di is lying. He's just upset that I was punished."
"I am upset that Xiu-ge was punished! Because he wasn't the one who left."
Their mother was trembling. Their father was speechless.
"Xiu-er, Qiu-er, is this true?"
"It's not true," his brother whispered.
"It is true, mother," he said, chin raised defiantly.
"Xiu-er, explain." The Ye patriarch was harsh in his tone, direct and demanding answers.
"He- I-" His brother looked between their mother and father's faces, both looking at him expectantly. He sighed, defeated. "...It was for the family," he said with a small pained voice. "When Qiu-di ran away, I pretended to be him for the past three years so that you wouldn't be shamed."
Their father's mouth opened in silent realization.
Their mother gasped and covered her face as she burst into tears. "I- I didn't even notice... I must seem like a horrible mother!"
"Mother... you're a wonderful mother. I was trying really hard so you wouldn't know." Ye Xiu hugged their crying mother, wrapping his long arms around her neck.
"Mother... I'm sorry too. It's my fault for running away." He joined the hug on her other side.
"Xiu-er, you took the punishment for your brother?" Their father gave a haunted look down at the hand he had slapped his eldest with.
Ye Xiu looked askance. "Yes, father..."
"Shit." Father Ye wiped his eyes with his sleeve. It was rare to hear their father curse, and even rarer to see him tear. "I'm sorry, Xiu-er." He went to awkwardly pat Ye Xiu and Mother Ye on their backs. He looked up toward Ye Qiu. "Qiu-er, I hope you realize what Xiu-er has done for you."
"I do," he said, anger flying away and leaving behind only exhaustion and sadness and guilt. He paused. "Xiu-ge, look at me."
The twins met eyes and Ye Qiu could still see on his brother's face the slight panic that everything he'd done for the past three years was falling apart. It broke his heart.
"Xiu-ge. Thank you for everything you've done for me. But please," he took his brother's hands, the hands he had seen nimbly fly across piano keys and computer keyboards alike, hands that were now calloused and rough from outdoor activities. "Please, you don't need to sacrifice yourself for me."
"It wasn't for you. It was my selfish decision to do this without telling anybody."
Ye Qiu shook his head. "I will gladly take any punishment I deserve if it means that my Xiu-ge will be the same Xiu-ge that was always smiling and teasing me."
Ye Xiu tried to plaster on a smile, but his face twitched and screwed up as he tried to blink back overwhelming feelings of panic, of exhaustion, of relief. "You- you better be careful of what you wish for."
He clasped their hands together. "I'm sorry, Xiu-ge, I'm sorry for leaving you."
In the end, their father didn't punish Ye Qiu any more. Because of what Ye Xiu had done, no shame had come upon the family, and their father couldn't bear to raise his hand after what he had done to his eldest. Ye Qiu had wanted it though, wanted the physical reminder of what he had put his brother through in his moment of thoughtlessness. But he supposed that seeing the healing bruise every time he faced his brother had nearly the same effect.
"I want to go to the same college as you." He expressed this thought a few weeks after he had returned. "I'll study to catch up to the material and take the entrance exams."
"Don't worry, it'll be easy enough," said Ye Xiu as he finished setting up the console on the TV.
Ye Qiu's eyebrows scrunched in confusion from where he was sitting on his brother's bed. "That's Beijing University though. It's ridiculously hard to get in."
Ye Xiu's lips twitched up in a smirk. He got up and traversed to the desk, where he grabbed a stack of papers from the drawer and frisbee-tossed them at Ye Qiu.
Ye Qiu caught the papers and leafed through them. "Congratulations Ye Qiu, you have been accepted to Beijing University?!"
"Rejoice little brother, you're already in. I just have to take the exams again and it'll be a piece of cake since I already know the questions. Mother and Father know a few people who can fudge the deadline for me."
"... Xiu-ge, that's illegal, you know?"
His brother shrugged. "So is impersonating you for three years."
Ye Xiu loaded in the game and plopped down on the floor. He tossed Ye Qiu a controller. "Do you want to go to the same college as me or not?"
"Of course I do." It wasn't even a question.
"Then let me do this one last thing for you, okay?"
He sighed. His older brother, always trying to do things for him. Come to think of it, hadn't he developed his infuriating personality to ease the pressure off of him too? Godammit.
"Fine. But I will pay you back somehow." He would make up those three years of freedom his stupid self-sacrificing brother had given him. Through gifts, care, or just spending time together, one game at a time.
"Think about it later. Right now I'm going to crush you, even three years rusty."
"Xiu-ge! Go easy on me please!"
"No way! I told you to be careful of what you wish for!"
His brother laughed teasingly, and Ye Qiu, despite his outward annoyance, felt warm affection bubble up in his chest. He would make it up to him. Somehow. Perhaps during one of their college breaks, he could bring Ye Xiu down to meet the Su siblings. A meeting between his dear friends and his dear brother. He had a feeling they'd get along famously.