Give me that blasted Ocarina!

A Zelda fanfic by RebelX

Chapter 1: It begins

Author's note: I'm baaa-ack! And this time, I've done it in story format, so they can't delete it! Muahaha! So…yeah…I'll be getting the other chapters redone eventually as well, but it'll take me awhile to do all- what was I at, 15? 16? Chapters redone. Argh…so anyway, for those of you who didn't read the original script version of this, it's basically an alternate ending to Ocarina of Time. A reeeeeeeeeeally long alternate ending. This is set just after the final battle with Ganon, after Ganondorf has been sealed in the sacred realm. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, go play the game.

Disclaimer: Zelda and all related indicia belong to Nintendo. I own nothing. Nothing!

"Link, please give me the ocarina. As a sage, I can return you to your original time with it." Zelda said quietly, her pleading blue eyes rising to meet his.

"But...but I don't want to go back! I like being an adult!" Link protested.

"But you must regain the years you lost when your spirit was imprisoned in the sacred realm!"

"No!! I hate being a kid!"

"I don't care! Just give me the ocarina!"

"No!"

"Give it to me!"

"NO!" he shouted, and, to Zelda's great surprise, turned and ran away.

"Dammit!" she cursed, pulling up her skirts and chasing after the fleeing elf, "Give me the ocarina!"

"Never!!" he called over his shoulder.

"Grr! I'll tell Ruto where you live!" she threatened.

"What!? Dammit...I'll uh, I'll move away! Far away!"

"I can sense you through your triforce piece! I'll send Ruto to get you, no matter where you go!"

Link thought about that for a second. He wasn't sure if she really could sense his whereabouts, but supposing she could, was life on the run really better than life as a child? A brief flashback of Mido's gang chasing him down and beating him up flashed through his mind. Yes, life on the run was definitely better. "Then I'll never stop running!" he answered finally.

Zelda gritted her teeth. She was getting really annoyed now. "Dammit Link!" she snapped in a most un-princess-like fashion, "Just give me the ocarina!"

"NO!"

"Fine!" having had enough of this, Zelda angrily snapped her fingers, dismissing the spell that held them aloft in the sky.

"Gyaaaaaaaaa!!!" Link screamed as he fell through the sky. He soon landed flat on his face somewhere in Hyrule field.

"Owie…" he moaned.

"There you are Linky-poo!" Link stiffened at the shout. He knew that voice…he knew it far, far too well.

"NOOOO!" he cried as he looked up to have his worst fear realized. Ruto, princess of the fish-people- er, I mean Zoras, was barreling towards him opened armed and with frightening speed. Link promptly recovered from his fear, jumped to his feet, and ran like hell.

"I just want to hug you!" she called as she chased after him.

Link shuddered at the thought of even touching her slimy body. "NOOO!"

At that moment Zelda appeared out of thin air and hovered alongside Link as he ran, keeping perfect pace with him. "Give me the ocarina!" she ordered.

"Never!"

Zelda pursed her lips as she tried to think of another way to persuade him, then her eyes lit up as she thought up a new threat. "I'll make a dozen clones of Navi and they'll all follow you shrieking 'Hey! Listen!' "

Link winced at the thought of the fairies, but his mind was made up. "I don't care! I'm never going back, do ya hear me? Never going back!"

"Fine!" She snapped and disappeared.

Link reached the entrance to Lon Lon ranch and skidded to a stop as he saw a squadron of Navis fly out of it. He looked around desperately for an escape. Ruto was running up behind him, and the Navies were in front of him. As he looked to his left he spotted Malon. To his right he saw Zelda. With his characteristic quick thinking and quicker acting, our hero grabbed Malon and threw her to the side of the entrance. The Navies immediately flew to her, lighting up in dozens of little blue arrows. His path now clear, Link raced inside the Ranch. Once safely inside, he found his faithful steed Epona and mounted her (No, not THAT way). He then rode back out of the ranch, trampling Ruto in the process.

"It's ok, Linky-poo! I forgive you for not seeing me and accidentally running me over with your horse!" she called somewhat dazedly.

A similarly disoriented Malon crawled out from under the Navies and eyed the Zora. "Uh...Ruto? Did you not notice how he went out of his way to trample you?"

"...shut up farm girl."

"Hey Ruto! Your boyfriend's getting away!" Zelda called.

"What?! Nooo!!" she shrieked, a most unpleasant sound not unlike fingernails running down a chalkboard, before jumping up and chasing after Link and Epona.

"Vuahaha!" Link laughed triumphantly, "You'll never catch me now, you deranged- OOF!"

He cried as he suddenly hit the ground. They had reached the stone steps leading up to Kakariko village and Epona (who didn't like stairs) had reared, flinging the distracted hero from his perch on her back.

"Blast it all!" he cursed.

"Oh no! Are you ok, Linky-poo?" Ruto called.

"I would be if I could just get rid of you!" he snarled. Suddenly, a light bulb appeared above his head. "Wait! I have an idea!" And with that he grabbed the light bulb and flung it in Ruto's general direction. A satisfying 'crash' sound, followed by the tinkle of broken glass and Ruto's subsequent scream, brought a smile to his face. With another "Vuahaha," he took out the ocarina of time and prepared to play it. Before he could do so, however, Zelda again appeared out of nowhere and lunged for it.

"A-HA! Mine!"

"Ack!"

Naturally, a tug of war over the ocarina ensued.

"Let go, Link!"

"Never!"

"Give me the ocarina, or else I'll intertwine your fate with HIS" She nodded to her left, where Tingle appeared in a puff of smoke, "meaning you and all your descendants will have to put up with him because he'll be an integral part of your quests!"

Link looked over at Tingle. He didn't look so bad… but then that was before he started dancing disturbingly and sang "Tingle Tingle Kooloh Limpah!" while tossing confetti into the air.

"...You can do that?"

"Yup!"

Link stared at Zelda. Either she was a really big liar or a lot more powerful than he realized. "Damn...well...I don't care! Take-" He lifted his right foot and planted it on her stomach- "THIS!" and kicked her in the gut with all his might (my, how un-chivalrous!)

"Oof!" She gasped as she lost her grip on the ocarina and fell to the ground.

Now that he had the chance, Link quickly played the Bolero of Fire, then laughed as he vanished in a flash of red light.

"Follow me if you dare, oh princess of sushi!" his taunting voice echoed from the pinpoints of light that danced away towards the village

"Aww! He finally came up with a pet name for me! I'm coming, Linky-poo!" Ruto cooed.

"Wait! He's gone to Death Mountain crater! You won't be able to survive the intense heat-" Zelda began, before Ruto cut her off with an ear-piercing wail of despair.

"NOOOOO!!" she moaned, falling to her knees with a sob.

"Which is why I'm gonna do THIS!" Zelda finished, casting a spell on Ruto to protect her from the heat. "But be careful!" she warned, "Just like Link's Goron tunic, it can't help you if you fall in the lava!"

"Ok!"

And thus Ruto used her sagely powers to warp to Death Mountain crater, much to the dismay of Link, who had thought himself finally out of danger.

"Oh Linky-poo! I found you!"

Link, who was not at all pleased to see her again so soon, screamed "AGGH!" and jumped down entrance to the fire temple. (It's a big hole, remember?) "Oh wait...this is a really long drop, isn't it?" he realized aloud, directly before landing very painfully on the stone floor below. "Urk...that hurt...that REALLY really hurt..."

Ruto, who like the intelligent fish she was (/sarcasm) had already jumped down after him, called out "Teehee! Here I come!" as she sailed down the shaft.

Link looked up and saw what was about to happen. "Aw shit."

Ruto landed very ungracefully on our hero, who was thrown face down by the impact of her long fall. Ruto then proceeded to strangle him in a mammoth hug.

"Linky!" she giggled.

"Urk!...can't...breathe..." he wheezed.

Zelda then appeared out of nowhere...again... "I can get rid of her for you if you give me the-" she had not even finished her offer before an ocarina-shaped object hit her smack in the face. "Yes!" she exclaimed, picking the object up, "I finally got the...wait a sec...this is your old fairy ocarina! Wh-"

Zelda looked down to find that she was talking to empty floor. Both Link and Ruto were gone.

"Blast it!"

Meanwhile, in the chamber directly before the boss room, Link had finally managed to pry the amorous sage of water off him.

"Oh, Link! You're so romantic, carrying me past those evil flaming bats!" she sighed.

Link rolled his eyes, "The only reason I was carrying you was because I couldn't get you OFF of me!" that said, he slipped through the door and ran away without Ruto noticing.

Ruto, who was facing the opposite direction at the time, continued talking to the Link that was no longer there. "Well, maybe I am a bit clingy, but..."

"Wait a sec! Did you actually call him Link?! Not Linky-poo?!" Nabooru gasped in surprise.

"Well, yea- Nabooru?! Where'd you come from?"

"I'm a sage too, ya know!" the gerudo huffed, "I can warp wherever I want!"

"Oh yeah…"

"Ruto, you pitiful, jelly-brained excuse for a fish!" Zelda snapped as she materialized beside them, "He's getting away!"

"What!?" She raced through door, closely followed by Nabooru and Zelda.

Link, who was halfway back up the ladder by now, laughingly shouted down "Thanks Nabooru!"

"No problem, kid!"

As Ruto chased after her fleeing fiancé, an enraged princess Zelda turned on Nabooru.

"You...you...dope!" she vainly attempted to insult her, "Why are you helping him?!"

Nabooru rolled her eyes, "C'mon, give the kid a freaking break, Zelda! If he doesn't want to go back to being a kid, than let him stay as an adult! Besides, he's so cute when he's grown up..." she trailed off with a giggle.

Zelda pondered that last bit of information. "Hmm...maybe you're right. Sigh... I guess I'll go get Ruto off his back."

Meanwhile, Link had reached the top of the ladder and was now scurrying towards the bridge towards the secret entrance to Goron city, Ruto not far behind.

"Link! I'm getting tired of this game! C'mon, can't we just stop and snuggle for a little while?"

Link shuddered violently and screamed "Eww! No way!"

He scrambled across the bridge and, as he reached the large gap at the end, he whipped out his hookshot. Hurriedly he took aim and fired. After missing twice, he successfully hit the wooden post on the other side of the gap. His misses had taken much valuable time, however, and Ruto had caught up to him and grabbed him right when the hookshot chain began to retract and pulled him across the gap. This caught Ruto off guard so her grip was not firm enough for her to be carried across with Link and he was pulled out from under her. This made her loose her balance, and after a few seconds of dangerous teetering on the edge of the bridge, she fell headfirst into the sizzling lava pit below.

Link took two seconds to comprehend what had happened, then leapt in the air for joy and began singing: "Woo hoo! Ding-Dong the fish is dead! Which old fish? The wicked fish! Ding-dong the wicked fish is dead!!"

Nabooru and Zelda had made it to the bridge just in time to see Ruto fall. Zelda simply stood there with her mouth hanging open, but Nabooru continued to the edge of the bridge and looked down for any sign of the water sage. Sure enough, there was her charred corpse floating gently in the midst of the bubbling lava.

Nabooru glared up at the dancing elf. "Link, you idiot! Stop singing! Don't you realize that with one of the sages dead, the seal on Ganondorf will break?!"

Link immediately stopped dancing and yelled "D'oh!" (I do not own the Simpsons)

And then Zelda spoke. Her voice was very soft, very slow, and very dangerous. Something had begun to burn in her eyes, as if some inner fire had ignited. Link suddenly felt very, very scared. He was in deep shit.

"Link... Do...you...have...any...idea...what... you've...done?

Link gulped. It was never a good sign when someone used that many elipses in a single sentance. Their eyes met, and Link felt a shiver run down his spine

"Um...d-do you want the ocarina back now?" he said weakly, holding the item out to her.

And that was when Zelda's mind snapped.

RebelX: So what do you think? Should I bother rewriting the rest of it? This part was always good enough on its own…please Review and tell me! (Puppy dog eyes) Pweeze?