*Disclaimer* I do not own bleach or any of its characters.
This is a little short from Ichigo's perspective. He is at a bar drinking and is thinking about someone special to him. In this he contemplates the "what if" question and the more he drinks the more he delves deeper into his own feelings. I found my own frustrations of the ending creep into Ichigo's inner thoughts too haha. I hope you enjoy it. Takes place after Chapter 686.
I closed my eyes and drank the scotch. The burning sensation helped me dull my senses. This is what I needed. The dim lights of the bar kept the mood even and the yellow glow gave the room warmth. A jazz trio played in the background; sultry, smooth jazz, which was my only companion for the night. Yes I am drinking alone, and that's how I want it to be. There are people all around me, couples, friends, everyone is with someone. I have someone as well. She's at home with our son. I'm happy, truly but it took that moment when I saw her again I was reminded where the strongest sense of my happiness lied in. Don't get me wrong, my wife is a wonderful person; she loved me longer than I realized and within the span of 10 years I was married with a child.
But my friend, our friend returned one day with her husband and child. It was the first time where I felt my heart swell at the sight of her. I couldn't help but feel happy. How long had it been since we've seen each other? Everything we went through, all we fought for together it was those moments that shaped me, changed me. It was written so nicely, our story. Then it ended abruptly. I never realized how much I would miss her until she returned again in front of my house.
No I am not cheating on my wife. However, a small part of me couldn't help but wonder what if? I wonder if she felt the same way I did. Did she see me the way I saw her that day?
I shook my head , maybe I should take it easy on the drinking.
But I couldn't get off this tangent. She occupies my mind far too much than I will admit. I am married though, something I seem to remind myself a lot recently.
A small voice in my head chided then where is your wife? I twirled the liquid in the glass for a moment.
I do love my wife and son. I am happy, it's just, when I saw her it was different. I took another drink. I wonder if she thinks of me from time to time. We are so far apart, even to have her in my life is difficult. And yet she changed my life in ways no one could do.
I rubbed my eyes and tapped the counter. The bartender brought me another scotch. I took a swing of the drink.
Perhaps I am just over thinking this. What makes me think that we are not content? Our entire realm is at peace and she's finally in a high position with a family by her side.
But are you content? I drank some more.
Is it possible that I missed something along the way?
I looked outside the window and saw the moon. It was just as bright as it was big. So beautiful, it stood by itself in its enormity surrounded by the twinkling of stars. Yet it was so inviting. I felt like it knew all my troubles and was able to cleanse them with just one look.
I took a deep breath. Nothing is going to happen now.
Reality struck me a little too harshly.
I finished my third glass and had a fourth. I moved the scotch back and forth in the glass. Is it stupid that I hope she thinks about us? About me? I wonder if she misses what we used to be when we were younger. It was easier back then for us.
I took a drink and looked down at the counter running my hand through my hair. Am I crazy? Here I am a married man thinking about a woman that I was close with. I wondered if I was really cheating on my wife for a moment. It really isn't like my life is terrible, but I can't help but think with her it would be different, more perhaps. Did I actually have feelings for her other than a strong friendship? Was it even a friendship to begin with?
I think... I think you've always been something more to me
Stop
That was enough. I finished my glass and set the money on the counter. Grabbing my jacket I got up. As I put it on I stopped for a moment still facing the counter
"This is fucked up." I muttered.
This is just the alcohol playing with your thoughts
No, the sad part was that it wasn't. I can't go on like this. I made my promise to someone else and so did she. We have to live our lives right now. Even if I wanted to talk to her, see her or to just be with her for a few more minutes, I can't.
As I walked out of the bar I couldn't help when a weak smile appeared on my face as one last thought crept in my mind that night.
We could have been happy together, right Rukia?